I've obviously made a couple bad judgement calls and have gotten myself into a bit of a situation. It's head vs. heart but head has to win. Need to think logically and rationally and be more careful about who I help and why. My willingness to become a caretaker and extend my help to others so easily is still not where it needs to be to be considered "healthy." I have gotten much, much better but still need to work on setting healthy boundaries so that I don't get myself into situations which are uncomfortable when offering to help someone who is going through hard times.
Damn it, slap on the wrist and lesson learned, now I need to figure out a reasonable way out of this.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

I'm not completely sure yet, but, the more time goes by, the more I'm feeling like I've been rejected.
I looked up and found a really old friend of mine that I've wanted to find for a long time. I sent him an email the other night, but, still haven't heard from him. I'm not sure if he uses the Internet much, it honestly doesn't seem like it, but, I think most people do so I'd like to think he would have checked his email at some point yesterday/today.
This isn't anything like my Ahmed/Devon drama from the past. I absolutely never want to go through anything like what I put myself through during those years ever again, and I'll do my best to avoid any such drama for the rest of my life.
That said, it's been a long time since this friend of mine and I have spoken or stayed in touch, so I can only speculate what he's like now, how he's changed, and what kind of family he has now.
I'd love to get in touch with him and catch up though. I think about him sometimes and have semi-frequently over the years.
So, the more time goes by, the more I'm preparing myself for the rejection it looks like I'm going to/have probably received. Obviously rejection itself is nothing new to me, but, this particular person rejecting me I think would make me fairly sad as I we were EXTREMELY close and had such a crazy strong bond with each other. I know that he will probably remember that, but, he may well be a completely different person now.

The crazy thing is, when I found listings for his previous addresses, he was in AZ shortly after I left, he was in CA while I was there, and, he was in Milwaukee for quite some time while I was living in WI and when I did go down to Milwaukee on occasion. In fact, I stayed at a hotel maybe ten miles away from where he lived while he lived there. And now, now he lives not far from my grandfather. It's such a small world.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but, definitely preparing myself for the possibility that I won't be able to reconnect with him because so much time has gone by.
The last time he and I spoke though, we were on really good terms, so, I hope that is still the case. :)
I'll keep hope in my heart but accept rejection in my mind... :(
Oh and, this has absolutely nothing to do with ANY romantic interest whatsoever, and I do not want nor would I ever to jeopardize my relationship, nor my friend's relationship. This is strictly wanting to re-connect with someone I was very good friends with at a point in my life when it meant so much to me.
Well, here's hoping...

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

So, I'm in the middle of re-admittance to UWSP (the uni I graduated from with my BA). I am enrolling to get a BFA. I'm so excited!!! I'm going to have to come out of my element and do more than just the drawing and digital art, and photography that I want.
It's also going to be wood working, ceramics, welding, and all sorts of other stuff. 2D art. 3D art.
I look forward to expanding my horizons. I also very much look forward to focusing on school this time since, for the first time, I won't have Devon or Ahmed drama.
I think I'll really enjoy it and make the most of it. It'll also raise my GPA at the uni so if/when I do decide to work, I'll be able to brag about my GPA instead of leaving it off of my resume.

I think after this, I'm going to apply for my masters degree. Maybe I could be a teacher who teaches art at high school or something like that.

Anyways, figured it was a time for a happier post.
There's a certain someone that thought she was so much better than me while she stressed out about her own drama. I'm sure reading this will just make her even more jealous about how much better my life is than hers. Especially considering my husband is so amazing, my marriage is great, my house is coming along nicely, AND I was able to foreclose on my old house instead of living a life where we exist only to pay bills and slave away to survive.

I love my life.
I love my husband.
I love my beautiful niece who is now living with us.
I love working on and fixing up my house. It's coming along so well, even if we take our time.

Life is good. Nothing in my life is better than my amazing husband and my sweetheart niece who is here now. :)

<3!!!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

I have the urge to go on and rant about a few people, saying negative and degrading things (only certain people, not many). They are things I either know, or believe to be true.
However, in an effort to control my BPD, I'm going to avoid making such a post, and instead just say, life is good.
Ryan is amazing and I love him more and more every day that goes by.
My puppy, Luna, is doing very well, and is growing up to be a great dog (although quite energetic). I can't imagine not having her, she's just incredible.
Stormy is slowly adjusting to life here. She's resistant to the changes I wish to implement in her behavior or rules I wish to impose, but, at the end of the day, I am the adult charged with her care, and she is living in my home. She's here for a reason. Her life in Arizona wasn't working out, so she came here to make changes. That doesn't mean she gets to knit pick what changes and call the shots. She falls in line, or, she can go back home.
I've no intention or desire to raise an angry and defiant teenager. I hope she will turn out to be appreciative, respectful, understanding and motivated. It's her life. I can't drag her through it the way I want. She has to make good changes for herself. We'll see how things work out.

I love my friends, my WI family, and even a teeny tiny part of my biological family.

I'm looking forward to starting school for digital art and photography. It'll make me quite happy to improve my art.

I think that's it for now. :)

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Question.

Anyone know if there is a way to import your old lj accounts entries to your current one?

Help? :)

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Quick update:

Mostly moved into Wausau house. A few small loads to move up from Madison plus our flowers and a couple more trees, then we should be set. Still tons of unpacking, but this house is much more cozy.

Super exuded because... My niece, Stormy (15) will be living with me as of June 22 for about two years. I toured the high school that she's going to be going to, and it's absolutely amazing. Their choir program is not only the best in the state, but also really high up there for the country too. And since she loves choir so much, I couldn't be more excited for her. It's going to be great. I absolutely cannot wait for her to get here so we can have an awesome summer together.

We have tons of gardening to do here (for me it's prep work, pulling out tons of old plants + weeds and such, then we're putting up the retaining wall that I bought ($800 in bricks, and that was on sale). So glad I have such a strong and handy husband.

I think this weekend will be full of work. We can finally get started on the major yard work (Ryan + our friendly neighbors managed to mow down the giant tick filled field we had growing here). It's been too hot and muggy (90 degrees plus a 70% dew point). It was completely miserable out there. Also, the basement was so entirely full that I couldn't get to or move anything. Ryan finally found some time to put my desk and DVD stand back together, so I'll finally be able to start making some decent progress unpacking and organizing (I also have lots of painting ahead of me). But it's all very rewarding since it's our house, not the banks. And we know everything we do adds value or just makes it much nicer to live here, seeing how we're stuck for at very least, 3 years after our foreclosure gets done.

Everything is great. Ryan isn't traveling nearly as much now so it's so nice to have him home during the weeks after almost two years solid of him travelling and only being home 2 days a week. I'm so much happier when I know I get to see him and actually live with him after all the time that's gone by. It's also been great for our relationship.

Kitties and doggies are doing well. Luna is coming along nicely. Main problems remain poddy training and the nipping/biting that teething puppies do. Hope that resolves soon. She's now officially 4 months old. I totally love her and can't wait to start taking her to the lake/river that's just a 5 minute walk from the house. :)

Plans for summer with Stormy include, water park in the Dells, horseback riding in the Dells, MoA shopping (but not too much), and maybe a trip to Chicago. Maybe for her spring break, we'll go to NYC and DC. I'm just so happy my baby niece is going to be here. :)

I'll for sure be writing much more soon, since my computer will be all hooked up again soon! Yay!

Oh yeah, and, current project I'm going to be doing; all of the Disney princesses in my style, in ninja, samurai, assassin, rogue, and geisha styles. I'm looking forward to it, though I'm sure it will be much harder than I currently am thinking.
But it'll be fun. If anyone has suggestions, please feel free to comment. I'll be starting on Jasmin, then Mulan, then Alice. Should be fun. :)

That's all for now, but more to come soon! :)

Peace, love and friendship (even though some people don't know the true meaning of friendship and should avoid my journal as such. :)

Oh yes and, today Luna is being puppy sit by Pam, and I'm going to the Madison VA to undergo fertility testing to find out what the deal is. Ryan's all clear, so now it's my turn. Yikes!

As promised, more to come soon!

Love most of you!!! Others, please get a life and go away. I said please. :)

(sorry for however many mispellings. I'm on my iPhone and van only see half my scree. I'll edit if neccessary when I get home later tonight).

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Life it seems will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself
But it's too late
Now I can't think
Think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though
It never existed
Death greets me warm
Now I will just say goodbye

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Goodbye dad. I'm finally ready to let go. It's hard, but of course it would be.
I love you and will miss you always.
If there is something after, I'll see you there!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

I'm making the hubby some beef stew this weekend (first time ever making it). Going to put in stew meat, potato, carrots, celery, corn, onion... Anything else? Also, what are good complimentary or side dishes?
Thanks in advance! <3!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

I can't let this control my life. Somehow, I have to try hard and find a way to take control. I have to.

This disorder leaves me living in constant fear. Fear of rejection, of abandonment, of being cast aside and being alone.

I selfishly hurt others when I should be strong and wise enough to know better.

It's so hard to fight this disorder. So, so hard.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.