A lot has happened. A lot has changed. And although some horrible things have happened (such as my dad passing, and all of the drama associated with his side of the family), the best parts of my life have happened too.
I married the best man I've ever known. I've seen what it's like to trust a man whole heartedly, and to be trusted. I've seen that not all guys have their hidden agenda's and games they play to manipulate me, and play on my weaknesses. That they won't all make me feel guilty, hurt me, and worst of all, excuse this behavior off of some mistake I've made. I've realized that mistakes are just that, and that they're okay to make, as long as neither party takes advantage of them.
These may seem small and meaningless to some, but they're not to me. To me, they're huge. Now, of course, Jason is exempt from these ramblings from my past. Jason was nothing but good to me. I'm the one that messed that up. Aside from that though, I dated some douche bags. Warren, Ahmed, Devon... None of which are prime examples of what the male species should be. Those men should look at my husband, and take notes. They should strive to be like him. But, I know as well as anyone, they won't, because they're stuck in their ways and don't even see their own problems.
And that's another change... Well, 5 years now... I've been in non-stop therapy. I've worked through some pretty serious and major shit. I'm not fixed, far from it, but I'm working on it. I am a long term work in progress. But I AM working on it. None of those for mentioned guys are working on their issues. They're continuing to excuse their horrible behaviors and ways that they treat women, and worst, blaming women for it. They're hurting people to continue to be bastards to other people. I won't do that. I won't hurt someone in an attempt to allow myself to stay fucked up. I won't use my fucked up life to excuse me treating someone like shit, and hurting them over and over. Never. I would never hurt Ryan, ever, and where I may make mistakes and fuck up, I'll NEVER intentionally hurt him, ever. Nobody will take me from him. Nobody will come between he and I. Never.
These guys, they're vultures. They make their rounds, and pretend to be out of the picture. They pretend to have moved on, and be these awesome guys that have "learned from their mistakes," or worst, they blame their "mistakes" on their "crazy ex." Cool, except that you're still doing fucked up shit. All of you fuckers. Ahmed is fucking around on his wife, still stringing along his ex girlfriend of the last 2 years plus, and stringing Kally along, and that is just what I happen to know about. I'm sure there is more.
Devon isn't much better. He drops off the face of the earth, and treats me like I'm some sort of plague. He intentionally puts me down and makes me feel like shit on his way out, leaving me feel like I did something wrong for months, years at a time. He's fine with that. He doesn't mind me hurting all that time, because it's all part of his plan. Control. That's what he thinks he has. But he didn't gamble on the fact that I would be strong enough to change.
So the vulture circles, and waits for any sign of weakness, then pounces. He thinks that there is a weakness in my relationship with my husband, and regardless of the fact that I am still legally married, which he knows, he thinks he can just jump in and suddenly be there after all that time has passed. Why now? Easy, because the me that he knew was weak, and easily controlled. I was even that way for a long time after we broke up. I was too afraid to let go of the relationship. Not the romantic one, the personal one. The fact that I have so few people in my life, and I thought he was a "friend," that he cared. He knew me, he was one of the few, so I needed to keep him in my life. I was wrong.
Who needs vultures in their life? People who come around when you're hurt, with no problem whatsoever hurting you. Taking advantage of your pain? Causing pain to those you love? Those are "friends?" Those are good Christians? Sure they are.
I always protected Devon up until now. I excused his behavior as childlike, and thought to myself that he was too naive to know the harm that he was doing. I pretended that he wasn't aware of the games he was playing. Or worse yet, I was so stuck in the game myself, I didn't even see it, I was too blind. Not anymore.
I used to see so much potential in him, always under some "if he could only get through these few things" gist. I don't anymore. He is who he is, not the person I hoped he would be.
The people who I see potential in are people like Ryan. He busts his ass every day of his life. He does anything and everything he can to make me happy, to make my life better, to show me unconditional love, no matter what. And that is the key, no matter what. The other guys didn't do that. They did it based on what they were getting in return, what they'd get as a result. Not Ryan. He doesn't need a single thing in return. It's not about that to him. It's just about me.
So what happens as a result? I do the same to him. I love him in the same way. Not what I can get out of him, not how I can take advantage of him or get back at him, none of that, no games. I just love him, no matter what, pure love. I always will. We can make mistakes without the fear of how the other will hurt them in return. We can go to each other and say, "hey, I screwed up, I did x," and not fear the retaliation of what the other will do to get back to make it an even slate. What they'll take away (as Ahmed took away) or what they'll do to cause equal pain (as Devon did).
Ryan is not like either of those guys. He cannot be compared to them in any way. Not in any single way. Neither of those guys are even real men, Ryan is. Ryan is the definition of how husband's should be. The thing is, Ryan isn't perfect. He makes mistakes. He's not some Jesus like person who can walk on water. He screws up the laundry, never manages to get the dishes done right, he knocks stuff over and breaks it... But, he is perfect to me. He treats me so well. And I have to do the same to him. He deserves it. I don't care if he makes mistakes, because at the end of the day, he doesn't make his mistakes at my expense, like the others did. His mistakes are innocent. He doesn't go through the mental checklist of, "Will this hurt my wife? Yes? Well, I'll do it anyways." Ryan knows the difference between right and wrong, and he puts me first. The others, not so much. I owe him that same respect.
So, a friendship with ex's? Why? What would be the point? Well, with Jason, I can have that friendship. Why is it different? Because it's a real, genuine friendship. He has nothing to gain, other than friendship. He has no agenda, he has nothing to take advantage of, and, most importantly, he is not threatened or threatening to Ryan, either. In fact, he is close friends with him too.
The other ones, not so much. I cannot justify a friendship with someone that would so callously hurt my husband, and me for that matter. Someone that would disregard and disrespect the fact that I am married.
Honestly, they deserve to be cheated on. They deserve to get married to the woman of their dreams, to think they finally have everything figured out, to have everything they want, and then have the rug ripped out from under them. That is what they cause, therefor, that is what they deserve. It's that simple.
But I won't be there to take any part in that. I just want out of the vicious cycle that they have pulled me into time and time again. These men have gotten to know my weaknesses, and they have exploited them. Thankfully, I have very good people in my life that give me the support that I genuinely need. People that actually do care about me, and do protect me; even if I don't realize that I need to be protected. That is worth more than I could ever say.
So, now, I finally allow things to change. It's time to write a new chapter in my life. It's time to start a family with the man that I love. Time to leave those people from my past where they belong, in my past. It's that easy. And if they don't want to stay there, if they want to try to take advantage of me, then they will be forced to.
So there you bastards go. I know you're still around here. I know you still poke for what you can find. Well, you found this, here it is. You've read it. Go the fuck away, and never come around again. I have no use for you in my life, and you have no use for me in yours. Leave it at that, learn some fucking respect, and move on with your lives. You should probably follow my lead, and get yourselves in some pretty hefty therapy, because I am certain both of you guy's need it. The fact that you would do, have done, and continue to do the things that you do, proves that to me. You can justify it all you want, blame me all you want, but at the end of the day, you're still the one's doing it. And even if you're not doing it to me, you've moved on to the next person, and you're doing the same shit to them. And that is right to you somehow? Well, you'll just blame that new person the same way you blamed me, because that is how you function, with control, power, and guilt.
Not me anymore. I won't be the victim to either of you ever again. You've given me enough trauma without still lingering in my now very happy life.
