I'm actually considering starting a public journal but keeping it anonymous. I'd like to chronicle my weight loss, health and fitness progress, as well as volunteer experiences and job searching/starting experiences. Obviously, it's a lot of change in a little time, so I'd like to go somewhere online that I can receive support, without anyone I know being able to link it back to me and use it against me (such as my family).
But, for now I can feel relatively safe here. I've cut drama out of my life, so I'm able to post whatever, without having fear of who will read this or what will happen as a result. It's taken me a long time to get to where I am emotionally and just in general, but therapy has really helped me to come full circle, and my own goals of a healthier and more active lifestyle have really changed my attitude, energy and how positive I am about most things in my life.
So, hard as it is to admit, I did let myself go really bad in terms of weight.
I've been very thin most of my life, and regardless of what I ate or drank, I always really stayed quite thin. This changed around 2008 when I started on my pain med, Oxycontin. I don't think that the weight gain was a specific side effect to the drug directly, however, it certainly was a side effect indirectly. It really changed me from being somewhat active (I've never been super active, but never really have needed to be) to being extremely lethargic and just lazy in general. So over the last few years, I just steadily climbed up in weight, although most of it was in 2008. I actually lost over 10 pounds the few weeks I was in AZ after my dad passed away, but of course I gained that right back.
Anyways, I just got sick of it. I couldn't fit into my size 12's. 12!!! I was a size 5 all though high school and college. So 12!!! No freaking way. So while technically I was the size of a 14, I refused to go that high. I wore gym pants and started hitting the gym, refusing to accept my new weight and size (I got up to just under 175!).
So for the past 6 weeks or so, I've been working out regularly, watching what I eat (I keep myself on a 1200 calorie diet now, and use an app called my fitness pal) and in general, trying to keep myself moving and mobile. I don't allow myself to just sit around all day, or especially not to eat a bunch of junk food. I still allow myself about 2 root beers/day, but that's my only treat. So I've done well. I didn't want to lose the weight too fast, because I don't want to have a bunch of excess skin. I want my body to be able to keep up with the weight loss, which so far it's doing. So today I weighed myself and I'm down to 163. So I'm pretty happy with that. My 12's fit very loose, so I'm willing to bet I could probably even squeeze back into my 10's (though I'm not going to try till I lose probably at least 5 more pounds, just in case, I don't want to be disappointed). I guess it's a good thing that I kept most of my smaller sized clothes (although I gave away a bunch to friends that were smaller, I still have closets upon closets full of clothing).
So anyways, this is my journey. Ideally, I'd love to get back into my 6/7's, but realistically, I'll take getting back into my size 8's. I just turned 31, and I don't expect to have the body of a teenager or of a young 20 year old. And honestly, I wouldn't want that. I had a friend that kept herself so thin (yet still thought she was fat, which was just sickening) that she didn't have periods anymore. She refused to accept that it was because she had like 0% body fat. I guess I'm lucky that although I have gained a ton of weight, I haven't developed any serious body image issues. I don't care what anyone thinks about how I look. I'm still confident and I still know that I'm pretty and that guys find me attractive. I don't have to have my ribs and spine sticking out to think that I look good. In fact, any guy I've known (besides maybe one, but he was a controlling weirdo with major issues himself) prefers a woman with a bit of "meat on her bones." Not one guy I've been with prefers a girl so thin that she looks like she just came out of a concentration camp. Gross.
Alright, well, don't want to get off topic.
My goal is 2 pounds a week, but I'm fine even with 1 a week (although so far, it's been more than that). I haven't had to go to the gym as much as I thought (though I still like to go 3-4 times a week, and push myself to muscle failure). I'm doing my cardio, swimming, dog walking, riding the stationary bike (for longer than I'm supposed to even) so I think I'm on the right track. I also have two friends that are doing the same as me, back in AZ. They're using the app, which really helps when it comes to encouraging each other and giving each other motivation. I really appreciate their feedback, and also enjoy cheering them on. We can lose this weight if we want, and so far, so good.
My inspiration to be able to do this was actually the show, Heavy. I watched enough episodes of the show to then tell myself, "If they can do this, and lose 100 pounds or more (sometimes several hundred pounds), then I can surely lose 40-50 pounds since I'm so much smaller and so much more able to get out and get active, and take control of my life again!
Another benefit is that I notice that working out completely changes my mood. I don't suffer from chronic depression because I'm actually getting out and making my body work, which feels fantastic. I don't have the bad moods or low moods that I pretty much always had, I'm much less temperamental, and in general I just feel so much better. I'm very happy that I chose to do something about this now, before I let it get even worse!
So, I'll come back maybe once a week and chronicle my progress, and see where I can get at a healthy, non-obsessive pace. So far, so good. :)
