The Wired

Long watch, but well worth it. Certainly mind opening and inspiring...

2008-10-05T05:42:02Z

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7065205277695921912

_____lain @ 2008-09-23T07:05:00

2008-09-23T12:07:41Z

http://slackeruprising.com/download/

It's free, watch it, download it, burn it, copy it, play it for friends, fwd it, etc, etc.

We can't afford 4 or 8 more years of the same. Please, all of you, get out there, register to vote, vote for change, real change, and let's take our country back.

A River of Empathy

2008-09-01T17:10:32Z

I'm sick of seeing people hurt and suffer.

I'm sick of seeing people give up on themselves. If I can do it, anyone can. Get out there and live. Life is what you make of it, and it won't be anything if you don't let it.

Everyone these days is depressed, down on themselves, and afraid to live. Afraid to try. Afraid of change.

My life is good and I am happy, but my friends' sadness makes me sad. The emptiness that exists makes me feel empty.

I want so bad to help, but conclude there is nothing I can do for any of them, and that just make me sad and let down.

Well, I start my teacher certification in January. I'll be certified to teach and have a master's degree in less than 2 years. That at least makes Ryan and I happy.

Writer's Block: The Expendable Sense(s)

2008-09-01T14:13:55Z

If you had to give up one of your five senses, which could you live without?

Submitted by newbiepoet

View other answers

Probably sound. I get so sick of listening to everyone complain anyways. I can always read instead. :)

You know who you are...

2008-08-15T03:53:10Z

I feel like shit for not being able to talk with you more tonight. I know you needed it. I'm sorry.

I wish we all didn't have so much shit happening to us all at once.

I'm always so caught up in my own shit that I hardly get to listen to yours.

I will make time for you, I promise, and hopefully I'll be in a healthier state myself, as well. I'm in no condition to offer any kind of comfort of any sort right now, I'm probably as close to a mess as you.

I love you, you'll get through this. You're one of the strongest, smartest people I've ever known, and I know after you give yourself some time to cry your eyes out until they're all red and burn for days, you'll at least feel up for dinner.

/hug.

A Cry for Help

2008-08-11T06:35:28Z

"I pity you all. haha."
"lol. Virginia Woolf this shit."
"Hate Hate Hate."
"Haha"
"You won't find me this time haha."

That's tonight's messages from him. I didn't bother to put down the ones I wrote back, they don't matter. It's obviously another attempt at his life. It's obviously another attempt I can do nothing to stop.

I dropped what I was doing. Believe it or not, I was in the middle of observing a meteor shower with Ryan, talking romantically, spiritually, lovingly, when all of this started. And now, that moment is gone, forever.

I first called his mother, who practically dropped the phone. I then called the Portage County Sheriffs Department. I then was transferred to and spoke to the Steven's Point Police Department. I called Daniel's friend Dan, who then told me I am to blame. He called me evil and cruel, mean and heartless. He told me this is my fault.

He told me he believed Daniel was in his couch. He turned out to be wrong. I told him that I hope the cops bust him when he arrives home, for all of the drugs in his house. He was walking home drunk at the time. He's a real piece of shit. The same one that came and took Daniel out of my safe home, and to a concert where he took him drinking, encouraged him to drink, and drank around him. He defended these as good decisions. The same one that uses cocaine and thinks he doesn't have a problem, it's just for "fun."

But I'm the bad person, because I gave him a safe and healthy home. I made a simple request of Daniel. Either leave, or tell me how he intended to make changes in his life for the better. I didn't care how profound, or how simple, just SOMETHING, ANYTHING. I have my niece with me, I protect her like she is my own child. I didn't want drugs and drinking and suicide attempts and druggies around her. It is my job to protect her, I have been entrusted as her care taker, and I will be just that. I didn't kick Daniel out, he chose to leave. He chose to not want to get better, to make any progress, to do anything positive for himself at all, and that was not my fault. I gave up so much for him, went out of my way for him, did so much for him, and I don't even need to go into it. I tried with all of my heart to help him, to get him help, to help him see he needed regular treatment.

But now, he's off somewhere coming down off of Cocaine, probably trashed drunk, and ready to die, somehow. The Virginia Woolf reference was a clue. She put rocks in her pockets and drowned herself when she sensed she was on the verge of another major depressive episode. Perhaps that was what he meant when he mentioned her. I was suer to pass it on to the cops.

I can't stop him. I'm not going to try. I'm not going up there. I'm not going to second guess myself nor feel guilty. I honest to God did everything humanly possible to help him. You cannot help someone who will not help them self. He didn't want help. He wanted to live off of us, sponge off of us, and hurt us with snide remarks and comments whenever he could. He stole from us and lied about that, too.

I would have done anything to help him get better. He didn't want that. There was nothing more any of us could do. we did all we could.

So now I sit and wait for the phone call. It'll be one or the other. They found him and he's alive and in the hospital, or, the found him and he's gone, and we have a funeral to plan. Either way, we have a serious problem on our hands, and one we cannot fix.

What a horrible end to a wonderful day.

I love you Ryan. I'm always here for you and willing to do anything to help you.

My heart is shattered...

_____lain @ 2008-07-15T23:38:00

2008-07-16T04:38:45Z

My Mother and Father in law, and Why and How Much I Hate Them
Ryan and I fell in love, and were married. We've had a few hurdles to climb over, just like any other marriage would and does have. But, we've made it and gotten through.

Things have calmed down. I've mellowed out and have come to realize that there are things about his past I cannot change, namely his parents. So rather than fight that battle with them which in the end is pointless, I've given up. They never once have paid their bills on time, which wouldn't matter, except that those bills are in Ryan's name. They have at least $12,000 in debt in Ryan's name, because he was foolish enough to believe his parents pleas for help and promises that they'd pay him back. He was foolish enough to trust his own parents. Crazy isn't it, that the poor guy had to be betrayed by the very people that brought him into this world. The same ones that are supposed to be supportive of him and loving?

Every month I get the statement from American TV and Appliance. Every month they pay late, so a late fee is added on. On top of that, the interest. The account balance goes up by approximately $90, although that figure goes up each month since the balance goes up. Sure, they eventually make a payment, but it doesn't even cover the late fee and interest, let alone anything off of the principal. So, that's a ton of money on our credit reports, that is figured into our debt to income ratio. Never mind that one of the main purchases on that card was done so fraudulently. We should have had them busted for credit card fraud, and thrown the hell in prison, but he didn't want to hurt his siblings, which I was understanding of. I don't want Shayna or Kyle hurt either, which is the only reason I bite my tongue these days. Yeah, they shouldn't even be a part of this equation, but his mother constantly hides behind his sister, and pits his sister against him. It's a life of guilt, and he's always been guilt tripped every step of his life. This is why he sometimes feels inadequate, or like he's not good enough; because they've made him feel this way.

So why the rant today? I remember a few months back talking to my monster in law on the phone. I cried through a majority of that hour long phone call. I begged her to please take this debt off of our shoulders. She went on and on about how her credit was so bad, nobody would give her a loan. I told her I'd help her, I'd find her lenders. She told me she was unwilling to have the debt transferred from Ryan's name to hers. I realized then that it wasn't just about her having bad credit, but it was also her not wanting the responsibility of that debt. Their credit is trashed, they could afford to have this on their credit and even if they paid it late, who cares, their credit is already ruined. She doesn't see it that way though.

Instead, she leaves it on ours. We both have over 700 scores. In fact, Ryan's is in the high 700's and I'm in the 800's. That's not easy to do. I've worked hard for that.

The funny thing is though, they were able to spend the time to call around to get a car loan. Yeah, it's true, one of their cars broke down in the last couple of months because my father in law doesn't even know how to take a car in to get an oil change where they would then inspect and change the fluids in the car. He blew up his otherwise good car through pure negligence. But that doesn't matter, they've already shafted the grand mother, Mark's mother with paying for that car. So even though it sits in their driveway completely ruined, she gets to keep making the payments on it. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

SO what do they do? Well, they had promised us all that with their stimulus check they were going to take $1500 and buy a beater for Mark to get to work in. Because for some reason, Cheryl who makes a measly $800/month in disability felt like she needed the better car, so that you know, she could sit around the house all day and have a car.

But they didn't even keep that promise. Instead , they spent a lot of time shopping around to get a lender to give them a loan, and then they went and blew almost $20,000 on a new Dodge Charger. A car that 1. Will need a lot of repairs. 2. Is horrible on gas. 3. Is a sports car by definition. 4. Will have a higher rate for insurance, and 5. They did not need.

And, that loan they have in our name, they haven't touched it. Haven't tried to get a loan to get it out of our name. Haven't made extra payments on it. They don't give a FUCK.

And here is the best part. They tell Ryan and I we should not have gotten married so soon (they got married super young). They tell us we should not have gotten a house (they're in a house they cannot afford). They tell us we shouldn't have kids anytime soon (I'm almost 30 and they started having kids very early on, like 8 years younger than me). Hypocrites? Yeah, very much so. And it sucks. Anytime I try to talk to them or do anything about it, she gets defensive, she insults me, she pits the kids against Ryan and I as if we're horrible people, and they call Ryan a horrible person and bad brother. Why? Because he wants a life with his wife, not to be tied down by his parents for the next 5-10 years of his life.

Did they have to pay their in laws debts when they were married? No. Instead, they started early on milking everyone in the family for anything they could, and they have not stopped to this day. Everyone in the family doesn't speak to them anymore because all they ever do is cry about how bad their lives are and ask and beg for money. What do they ever give in return to anyone? I don't want anything from them, nothing. Not birthday gifts, not Christmas gifts, nothing. I just want those two god damned loans out of our names so that Ryan and I can get the loans we need, the refinances we need, and to move on with our lives, as a newly married couple, not tied down, shackled down, by his parents who refuse to be responsible adults.

They are bar non the most selfish people I've met in my life. They care for nobody other than themselves. It makes me physically ill every time I have to go through this with them. Of course it causes problems between my husband and I. We both have anxiety and panic attacks because of it. His parents blame that on that it runs in Mark's side of the family. Ironically, his mother refuses to take responsibility for ANY of it, EVER. Never mind that schizophrenia runs in her side of the family, it's all Mark's fault.

So now they're another 20k in the hole and have 2 cars for their heroin addicted son to abuse, while we continue to suffer and have their debt on our shoulders. Never mind the fact that I am disabled, and forced to work despite the fact that I have no debt and my disability covers all of my bills. I am burdened with their bills, it's now become my responsibility to pay, because they fail at life.

I am sickened that parents could do this to their own kids. They did it to Daniel too. They blame his recent suicide attempts on anything and everything that isn't them. I guess a kid graduating college with what, $30,000 or so in student loans he took out for his parents wouldn't weigh a kid down at all, would it? Nope, can't be their fault. But hey, as she says, she prays, that's all she can do.

News flash Cheryl. You can do more. You can call around, get approved for loans, and transfer this crap out of our names. We've begged you for a year, and all you've done is lie, deceive, manipulate, hide behind your daughter and even Kyle recently

You tell us we should not have gotten a home, when you yourself are in a home you cannot afford.

You told Ryan I would be a bad wife because of my disabilities, yet you yourself are you disabled that you refuse to work.

My disability is over twice yours, AND I work and double even that income, to pay bills I should not have to pay.

I don't need my husband to buy me and provide me with a car, because I have my own that I maintain, repair, and paid off within 5 months of having it.

You call Ryan and I selfish? You are the most selfish person I've ever met in my life. You hide behind lies and your facade of being some righteous Christian. Good Christians, good people, do not do this to their own child and put this much strain on their child's marriage. Not only are you not supportive, but you are incredibly mean, degrading and self serving. You think only of yourself and have no empathy for anyone else.

You are not a good Christian. Christians make sacrifices for the betterment of others. Christians forgive. You are a failure of a Christian. And the fact that you hide behind your youngest son and daughter and make them hate their older brother is sickening. They deserve to have their older brother, but YOU keep them from having him, because you plant lies in their heads and brainwash them into believing your lies. It makes me fully and completely sick.

I've had these small claims forms sitting on my desk at work for a couple of months. I thought somehow, some way you might actually do the right thing with this stimulus check; but once again I've been shown how downright selfish and heartless you are.

You write emails saying that Ryan works, as you put it, "tooooooo much." Never mind the fact that he works that much because of YOU. I pay most of the bills here just so you know, not him. He works hard to dig himself out of the hole you have dug, and shoved him into, with your lies and deceit. You are a horrible person and a horrible mother.

I cannot wait for the day, and this day will come, trust me on this, when this debt is finally gone, because I WILL pay it off, and once it is gone, I will remove you from our lives entirely. You will never see us, speak to us, come to our home, meet our children, nothing. And you will call me horrible and selfish, but I will then instruct you to look in the mirror and see who the truly selfish one is. You are the one that invaded his privacy, his trust, his faith in his parents. You are the one that used him and lied to him, manipulated him. You are the one that ruined any relationship you may have otherwise had. I've never met any other set of parents who made their children take out loans for them, and then made no effort to take those loans under their own names, or pay them off in a timely manner. This is in fact a first time, and it truly makes me sick.

And Shayna and Kyle. Your brother loves you both. I love you both. I'm so horribly sorry that your mother and father stick you in the middle of all of this, because you don't deserve it, and it should never happen. We've tried to offer to take you to Chicago, like when my nieces were out, but your mom ignored us and kept you away from us, because she knows she can use you to hurt Ryan and make him feel guilty.

Well no more will this happen. You can ruin your own life Cheryl, but I refuse to let you ruin mine. I will most certainly see you in court. I know the court system very well, being that I work there every single week, and I know without a shadow of a doubt, that we will win in court when we sue you. And believe me, we will sue you. First in small claims, then in the amount of the larger loan that you have. Not to mention the pain and suffering for the strain you have put on our marriage, and the medical appointments we've had to go to in order to deal with the anxiety and panic attacks that come from dealing with you.

You are not my mother, and I will never acknowledge you as such.

My mother was an alcoholic and a meth addict. Still, she was a better mother than you will ever be. She taught me some things. Never lie, cheat, or steal. She lived a life as a good person. Quite disabled and terminally ill, she devoted her life to helping people worst off than herself. She may have hurt me and neglected me as a child, but she never hurt me as you have hurt Ryan, and she certainly did not poison my future so that I had such a burden on my shoulder through the entire first 10 years of my adult life. She loved me, she showed it, and she wanted the best for me. She was happy for my accomplishments, and she never tried to make me feel guilty for anything I ever did, even if I did make mistakes and do things I should not have done. When she passed away, I knew she loved me, she was proud of me, and that I could live my life knowing that she would watch over me with a loving and compassionate heart. She never in a million years would have done to me what you have done to Ryan, and it breaks my heart to see the pain you put him through, and to have to sit and hold him while I am powerless to take the pain away that you cause him.

I hate you. You will never be a mother to me, and my ultimate goal in life right now is to work hard at my job, sue the ever living crap out of you, and get you out of mine and Ryan's life.

And isn't it ironic that through all of this, here I sit helping your second eldest son recover from a horrible depression without asking for a single thing in return. You wonder why your kids are so messed up. You're to blame. You. You did this to them. Maybe some day you will come out of that fictitious world you live in and realize that.

When you die, I assure you I will not shed a single tear. I'll be relieved that the largest source of pain and strife in mine, my husbands, and my marriage's life will be gone and can never hurt us again.

A fucking Dodge Charger. A Sports Car. A car horrible on Gas. A car Ryan would love to have, but cannot afford, and you have one. You have a house you cannot afford. You live on disability and refuse to work. You burden your husband with medical bills. You refuse to try to get better and get work to help with the bills. You do nothing positive for the family outside of "pray" because that's "all you can do." It's obviously doing a world of good, really.

And yet you have the audacity to ask me to come fix your computer and printer and to invite you to come stay in my home for a week or more, a home you tell me I should not have an do not deserve. You will never be welcome in my home again, and I never want anything to do with you again. Maybe some day when you can grow up and put he life of your child before you own, maybe then I'll change my mind; but what I've seen from you in the past year in a half leaves nothing but hate and anger in my heart, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

_____lain @ 2008-04-28T08:55:00

2008-04-28T13:56:10Z

LINKIN PARK LYRICS

"No More Sorrow"

Are you lost
In your lies
Do you tell yourself I don't realize

Your crusade's a disguise
Replace freedom with fear
You trade money for lives

I'm aware of what you've done

No more sorrow
I've paid for your mistakes
Your time is borrowed
Your time has come to be replaced

I see pain
I see need
I see liars and thieves
Abuse power with greed

I had hope
I believed
But I'm beginning to think that I've been deceived

You will pay for what you've done

Thieves and hypocrites
Thieves and hypocrites
Thieves and hypocrites

Your time has come to be replaced
Your time has come to be erased

Download it, it's sick. The guitar rips.

On the Upside...

2008-03-29T17:13:04Z

In the past year I have:
o Gotten divorced
o Left a very abusive and painful relationship
o Graduated college
o Moved to Madison
o Made new friends
o Traveled to Arizona twice
o Started grad school online
o Realized that that particular grad school was a scam and left it
o Bought a new house
o Had my disability increased
o Gotten my job with the USPS back
o Left the USPS job once I was entirely off of probation and made regular
o Gotten my relationship with my older brother back (he’s finally clean and off drugs!!!)
o Left a poisonous friendship
o Returned to my passions of art and writing
o Gotten married to an awesome guy
o Put Falk to sleep
o Gotten a new dog, Dino for Ryan
o Attended UW Madison
o Started to learn Japanese
o Gotten real health insurance with real doctors

I think that’s not too shabby given my circumstances.

A couple weeks ago I got very frustrated with our financial situation. Not because of any hole that Ryan or I dug, but because of the debt he has for his parents. They hardly pay the minimum payments. Matter of fact, they usually pay them late, which adds late fees, which their minimum payments don’t even cover. What I’m getting at is that their debt is actually going up, not down, and it’s in our name. It’s factored into our debt to income ratio for anything we try to finance. It hurts pretty bad.

I’ve spent a significant amount of time being angry and upset over this, frustrated. I’ve had my share of anxiety of panic attacks over it. None of that changes a thing though. His family is a mess, an absolute mess, and is only getting worse. His dad is on the verge of a mental breakdown, his mom is doped up on high doses of oxycotin and morphine, his brother is addicted to drugs and running up the family’s debt, his sister is a snobby bitch, and his other brother is quiet, shy and withdrawn. My point? That debt isn’t going anywhere.

So, I got an itch to do something about it. As it stands now, I make pretty good money from my VA disability. It pays my half of the bills, most of the time (when I don’t spend money I shouldn’t). We do okay. We struggle a bit, but in general we’re fine.

So, my theory is this. If I can get a job which would give me a little spending money, and at the same time, allow me to throw money at the ring payment Ryan has, and his parent’s debt, I ought to. I think I can get them both paid off in a year and a half. With that debt out of our way, his parents can make payments to me and we can actually start saving some money. This will also significantly help with my depression since I frequently feel like I am hurting or holding Ryan back. Feeling like I contribute would be a huge benefit.

So, I went ahead and submitted my resume to a bunch of companies locally. That same day I got return calls. That’s hardly ever happened. I now see that having a degree helps immensely. I interviewed at a staffing agency and was hired by them. I guess I type about 100wpm, which is even more than I thought I was generously exaggerating before. I did great on the tests for office procedures, Word, Windows, etc, but bombed Excel (I don’t care, I hate Excel). They are looking at putting me in a data entry position, which I wouldn’t mind since it’s so simple and the pay is alright. It’s not what I was making in Wausau, but it’s like zero stress so worth it.

Better yet though, is the other place I interviewed at yesterday. It’s a small office that works as a liaison between the court system, and alcohol and drug offenders. They provide alcohol and drug counseling and rehab, in addition to other things. This seems like such a perfect fit for me. Lucky for me, the director that interviewed me was from Arizona, which in and of itself gave me an advantage. “Oh, is this the one from Arizona?” she excitedly asked when I was brought in to meet her. She explained some problems they were having in the office, to which I was able to reply, “that’s not a problem, I can fix that.” Her eyes lit up. I guess their file system is a complete mess and disaster. Luckily for me, that was also the case with the recruiting battalion I worked at. I said to her, “Well I was in a situation like that before. I asked them to give me two days of being left alone, and they did. The result was that the entire file system was cleaned up, reorganized, and easy to use.” She was practically celebrating.

She noted that I have a secret security clearance, which she was pleased with. That my degree would help tremendously. My experience was perfect. She said she will be calling my references, who are all spectacular. Ed Kreiger at the Wausau Post Office, Ms. Nandrea from UWSP, and Mr. Arnold, from UWSP. All will make up lies about me and say I am stellar.

Because I already have health insurance through Ryan’s work, she said she can give me the difference in what I’ll save the company for not having to insure me in my pay, which is awesome. She also said that some days I’ll have to stay late to check in clients for a class, but that on Fridays I can go home early to make up for it. Awesome.

It really seemed like they were telling me about what I’ll be doing as if they had already decided to hire me. Like I’ve always said, if I can get the interview, I’ll get the job. I know this is true, so I can’t wait to start.

While in that happy state of knowing I will have a job I’ll enjoy soon, I decided to finally go check out that kung fu place I drive by frequently. It was great timing as they were doing training for a competition and I got to watch. It was awesome. They were also able to refer me to a Wing Chun school, which would be ideal for me. This is something I’ve been looking for since moving to WI.

I think that things are looking up. I just need to get medicated before I start my job so I don’t pull my typical “today sucked I’m going to quit” crap.

Simultaneously, Social Security is evaluating me for disability. The lady said they may put me as disabled all the way back to when I got out of the army. This would mean 8 years of back pay. She said I’d get about 770 a month. That means I’d get a settlement of 60k in back pay, at least. One can only hope.

In addition to that, the VA is also evaluating my employability because of my limitations. It is very much looking as though my disability will go from the $1200 a month it is now to about $3200 per month. I can’t say I’d complain about that.

So really, if any of this works out, things will be great. If it all works out, they’ll be even better. I can’t say I would have a hard time paying off some debt with 60-70k. That’d bail me out of my insane financial problems left over from my Ahmed relationship, pay off the ring Ryan bought me, and the debt Ryan’s parents have. We’d be sitting pretty at that point.

And on that note, it’s time to get ready to go check out the two kung fu schools while class is going on. I’m pretty happy about this, I’ve been wanting to get back into this for quite some time.

omg lol

2008-03-29T16:25:31Z

_____lain @ 2008-03-24T23:33:00

2008-03-25T04:36:22Z

Finally went to a "real" doctor. Well, the closest equivalent, urgent care. They took a solid 10 xrays.

I then heard the doctors talking to each other outside of my room where I impatiently waited.

"Is this normal for a 27 year old?"
"I've never seen this before."
"This is the worst I've seen."

Yeah, no shit. I said I was hurting really bad. I wasn't lying. Gah.

As usual, pain pills are the way to "fix" it.

Thanks mom! Your awesome choice to use cocaine and drink and smoke while preggers was a stellar decision!

I see my primary care doctor.. eventually...

They put in a note to "rush" my appointment.

It was nice that they actually took xrays, something the VA RARELY does. Hopefully now someone will help me.

_____lain @ 2008-03-24T01:15:00

2008-03-24T06:16:15Z

Male dogs around females in heat are worthy of being shot... Seriously.

_____lain @ 2008-03-22T12:44:00

2008-03-22T17:49:04Z

I am totally going to miss him.

We put Falk down today. It was a lot worse than I expected it to be. I didn't realize we'd have to pin him down while he squealed and squirmed around.

He was an amazing dog. He bonded with me instantly, and loved me till his last breath. I don't think anyone could ever ask for more.

I'm happy I was able to save him from the life he had in his earlier years. I know I didn't give him the worlds greatest life, but he was happy. I could have done more, but I know he was happy with what I did do. He didn't complain, all he wanted in the world was just to be with me all the time.

I'm going to miss him barking excitedly when I walk up to my front door. Him barking when he's ready to come in. His whining when another dog was being pet. His barking when I play Frisbee with Aura. I think Aura is really going to miss him too. I showed her his collar when we returned home, she seemed investigative, as if he should have followed behind me coming through the door.

It's so sad, just like losing a child. I don't think I'll ever get over it, but I know this was the best choice for him, he didn't get the life he deserved, especially with the neurological problem he developed.

I'll miss you Falk, I really will.

RIP.

Wedding pics

2007-10-16T20:35:29Z

Are located here:

http://web.mac.com/dawn.hanneman/iWeb/Site/Our%20Wedding.html

:)

Ill write tonight, promise! :)

_____lain @ 2007-08-26T14:48:00

2007-08-26T19:50:39Z

Ryan got me a snuggly polar bear to go with my room a/c he also got me, since I can't sleep in the heat. It's cute. I like it. So here he sits during the day while he waits for me to come home from work and sleep. Rawr.

lol

2007-07-27T23:38:54Z

The Maid of Honor
Deliberate Gentle Love Master (DGLM)

Appreciated for your kindness and envied for all your experience, you are The Maid of Honor.

Charismatic, affectionate, and terrific in relationships, you are what many guys would call a "perfect catch"--and you probably have many admirers, each wishing to capture your long-term love. You're careful, extra careful, because the last thing you want is to hurt anyone. Especially some poor boy whose only crime was liking you.

Your exact female opposite:
Half-Cocked

Random Brutal Sex Dreamer

We've deduced you're fully capable of a dirty fling, but you do feel that post-coital attachment after hooking up. So, conscientious person that you are, you do your best to reserve physical affection for those you respect...so you can respect yourself.

Your biggest negative is the byproduct of your careful nature: indecision. You're just as slow rejecting someone as you are accepting them.

ALWAYS AVOID: The False Messiah (DBLM), The 5-Night Stand (DBSM), The Vapor Trail (RBLM), The Bachelor (DGSM)

CONSIDER: The Gentleman (DGLM), someone just like you.

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test @ OkCupid - free online dating.

Dreams

2007-06-03T15:18:17Z

I was moving between living areas due to construction. I was fighting with where I would move depending on who had dogs or not. I got angry and moved (out back of moms house) and got myself set up there. I was dating Ryan.

At the time, my friend bb was making one of her goofy films down the road, where friends had to volunteer to attack her from afar. She was standing in the middle of the road, and she’d have small little statuettes. She would use these to combat anyone who came at her by turning them into what ever it was, but a life size statue.

Simultaneously, my old kung fu instructor, Frank showed up. I was very excited to see him. We had a lot of flirting talk, and kept hitting on each other. I did used to have a bit of a crush on him. He said something to the effect that he had tried to steal me away from my bf in the past. We talked about how all of our time together had been spent with me on the ground and his knee in my face.

We were excited to exchange emails and phone numbers to get in touch. He was writing down his number, but had problems because the pen wouldn’t work. He dropped a pencil, and it started to roll away. Somehow, I made it come back toward me. I told him I used my chi, but jokingly. He said he had taught me that, I giggled and told him that no, Jason had.

As he was writing down his info, I ran off, now wearing DCU bottoms and a new military top. I ran about a block and attacked BB, who was in the middle of the road, holding some sort of Sobe (drink) statue (weird). I attacked her, and then did he traditional fall to the ground move, she won. He friends all cheered. I whispered to her to make sure my nipples were not exposed for the shot. She said they were fine. After the shot, I ran back to where Frank was.

There Frank stood a little confused, and now Brian was there. I remember making the comment of, “I dunno if this is good timing, I have a really nice boyfriend and he’s really big Frank.” My loyalties to Ryan were conflicted, but I felt that I would flirt with Frank but stay with Ryan. I knew I would not call Frank, but might email. More than anything, I missed the Kung Fu.

There was also a point where I was working for the ICE Gallery again, and there was a lot of interoffice drama. I kept having to move my desk around, office space style. I was very disgruntled.

Inside the house, Jason had a little sack, and as I went in, he was watching it hatch flies. The flies flew in a very disoriented mater, being newborns. We opened the door and tried to guide them outside as we didn’t want them inside.

What I didn’t like is that I felt isolated by everyone. Ryan was not in my dream at all. I did question my loyalty to him, so he was at least known to me in my dream.

Last night’s dream equally stunning.

I was in a Sears department store. Cody approached me and told me that I had to hurry to the hospital portion. I was confused. I made my way through the appliance section, and the photo studio, customer service. Finally, I found this hospital portion of Sears. I was shocked at what I found.

There were 3 hospital beds. The furthest one had Susie’s daughter who passed away years ago in it. Susie was there with her intact body, crying and sad over her loss.

The middle bed had my mother. She was alive, but was expected to die. The room was not a traditional hospital room. There was a studio audience, and everything was being taped for a TV show of sorts. It was anticipated that my mother would die this show, which made for good TV apparently.

I remember sitting at my mother’s bed. I heard her voice again. Saw her eyes. She spoke to me. It’s been a long time since I had the reoccurring dreams about her. This was not like one of the old ones.

I remember the guilt I felt watching her in that bed. I felt like the whole world was watching, finding entertainment in my mother’s passing. It was very eerie to say the least, I feeling of helplessness came over me.

P.S.

2007-05-23T14:41:42Z

I'm really sick and keep throwing up... 24 hours down, 28 to go... Sleep deprivation, here I come!!!

Two Unlikely Paired

2007-05-23T13:39:43Z

I close my eyes
Only for a moment, then the momen't gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes, a curiosity
Dust in the wind
All they are is dust in the wind Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do
Crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see
Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind, ohh Now, don't hang on
Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away
And all your money won't another minute buy
Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind Dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind
The wind

No clouds in my storms
Let it rain, I hydroplane in the bank
Coming down with the Dow Jones
When the clouds come we gone, we Rocafella
She fly higher than weather
And G5’s are better, You know me,
an anticipation, for precipitation. Stacked chips for the rainy day
Jay, Rain Man is back with little Ms. Sunshine
Rihanna where you at?

[Rihanna]
You have my heart
And we'll never be worlds apart
May be in magazines
But you'll still be my star
Baby cause in the dark
You can't see shiny cars
And that's when you need me there
With you I'll always share
Because

[Chorus]
When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

These fancy things, will never come in between
You're part of my entity, here for Infinity
When the war has took it's part
When the world has dealt it's cards
If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart
Because

[Chorus]
When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

You can run into my arms
It's okay don't be alarmed
Come into me
There's no distance in between our love
So go on and let the rain pour
I'll be all you need and more
Because

[Chorus]
When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

It's raining
Ooh baby it's raining
Baby come into me
Come into me
It's raining
Oh baby it's raining

Graduation

2007-04-16T22:51:17Z

Well, a few of you have asked, so I figured I'd set this up. Everyone wants to know, "What can I get you for graduation?" I've made it easy. All I really want is a frame for my diploma from my school (which is ridiculously over priced) and a class ring (which is even more over priced).

This is the closest to the ring I can get a picture of, as it's customized in flash. Basically, I was forced to go with this design because it's the only one I can put both of my majors on. The center though will have a blue stone with a small diamond on it, as opposed to just being plain. It will have the year of graduation, both of my majors, and BA, which is the type of degree I am getting.

The frame is from the school, so it has the seal and is very good quality. I figure, the frame will be displayed in my office, wherever I end up, so I may as well get a nice one. It's something I'm proud to finally be getting so I may as well show it off proudly.

So, that said, they're super expensive. Much more than someone on my meager income can afford. The frame is about $116 and the ring is close to $700. So, anyone who would like to contribute, $1, $5, $10, whatever, any little bit will help. I'd be beyond thankful for any gifts to celebrate this wonderful occasion with me.

You can donate by setting up a paypal account at paypal.com, or logging into yours and sending any amount you'd like to dawn.hanneman@gmail.com
I should be able to see who sends what on there so that I can send out the appropriate "thank you's."

I love you all and wish you could be there to see me graduate, but I know it's my own stupid fault for running off to Wisconsin, so all of you in Arizona who would make it can't.

Hope this finds you in good health and happiness, look forward to hearing from you all! :)

Exodus

2007-03-29T01:33:11Z

I will be MIA for the next 7 weeks or so. I am super bogged down on homework, and to add to the complex issues I am handling, a massive bomb was dropped on me today. I have a LOT of work to do to get caught up and to be able to graduate on time, so I am ignoring anyone, everyone, and everything, until I am making above satisfactory progress and am in line to graduate. So please, pardon my rudeness and my business, I intend to offend no one, but what must be done, must be done. :)

Best wishes!

_____lain @ 2007-03-27T20:03:00

2007-03-28T01:04:42Z

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Anime Nerd If anyone is likely to dress up in a crazy outfit, you are! You enjoy the visual stimulants of intense art accompanied with deep plots of fantasy, science-fiction, real-life; or you are just obsessed with Japan and everyone and everything in it. They love to gather with people like themselves at conventions and act crazy! The anime nerds are often associated with the stereotype of being the "psychotic" nerd, because they tend to be obsessive over their characters and series. You psycho! I'm just kidding! But seriously, all forms of art should be appreciated, and anime is definitely one of them.
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Social Nerd
Literature Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Musician
Drama Nerd
Science/Math Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

Frozen toes

2007-02-03T17:19:13Z

THIS HAZARDOUS WEATHER OUTLOOK IS FOR NORTH CENTRAL AND NORTHEAST
WISCONSIN.

.DAY ONE...TODAY AND TONIGHT

SUBZERO TEMPERATURES ALONG WITH INCREASING WEST TO NORTHWEST WINDS AT 10
TO 20 MPH...WILL PRODUCE WIND CHILLS FROM 25 TO 30 BELOW TODAY INTO
TONIGHT. AS THE ARCTIC AIR CONTINUES TO PLUNGE INTO THE REGION...WIND
CHILLS ARE EXPECTED TO DROP TO DANGEROUS LEVELS OF 35 TO 45 BELOW OVER
NORTH CENTRAL WISCONSIN LATE TONIGHT INTO SUNDAY MORNING. A WIND CHILL
WARNING HAS BEEN POSTED FOR NORTH CENTRAL WISCONSIN STARTING LATER
TONIGHT.

.DAYS TWO THROUGH SEVEN...SUNDAY THROUGH NEXT FRIDAY

BITTERLY COLD CONDITIONS WILL CONTINUE INTO THE NEW WEEK. SUB
ZERO TEMPERATURES WITH WEST TO NORTHWEST WINDS OF 10 TO 15 MPH WILL
CONTINUE CREATE DANGEROUSLY LOW WIND CHILLS. A WIND CHILL WARNING WILL
REMAIN IN EFFECT THROUGH MONDAY MORNING OVER NORTH CENTRAL WISCONSIN...
WHILE A WIND CHILL ADVISORY IS IN EFFECT OVER THE REST OF THE REGION
THROUGH MONDAY MORNING. TEMPERATURES ARE EXPECTED TO REMAIN BELOW
NORMAL FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK.

_____lain @ 2007-01-31T20:12:00

2007-02-01T02:12:41Z

The Jealousy Test: Results

Most everyone experiences a visit from jealousy, the nasty green-eyed monster, at some point in their lives - whether it's over a best friend's career success or a gorgeous person flirting with their loved one. There isn't a clear-cut distinction between jealousy and envy but, in general, jealousy is experienced when something you have (e.g. a lover) is taken away or is threatened by someone else. Envy is when you do not measure up to someone else or you very much want something someone else has (e.g. an attractive lover, a sports car, success, a sexy build, etc.). Jealousy is the most intense, as it involves having something highly valued and either feeling the threat of losing it or actually losing it to the competition - and that hurts, angers, and shames us.

Your score = 41

Ruler
Jealousy Score 41 Your score

What does your score mean?

Most people who are involved in an important relationship carry a certain amount of fear and feel threatened by the possibility of being displaced and losing a partner to someone else. After all, these things happen, and when they do, it is usually very painful. Very few people display a blatant lack of jealousy. That is certainly not your case. You appear to be a person in whom jealousy can be evoked very easily and who tends to live in a permanent state of fear of losing the loved one, conscious or subconscious.

AOS

2007-01-13T03:42:29Z

History repeats itself
Coiling down into the future
When it's one second to twelve
The hands touch and follow deeper

History repeats itself
I didn't learn, I wouldn't listen
I couldn't see the books were on the shelf
For my good sense, I never missed 'em

Wish I was standing by the shore
Feel the wind blow in my face
See the waves roll in for an encore
They take a bow, they know their place

I do not want, I do not feel
I've turned away in myself
I can't find anything that's real
But history repeats itself