I'm starting a new journal (I'll be keeping this one as well). The new one is going to be more anonymous, more for guiding me through writing my biography which I need to do asap as my health keeps steadily declining and I want to at least leave *something* behind to document how to get out of the Hell I grew up in. So, that said, If you'd like to know the new journal name so you can follow me there, just hit me up with a comment here or on fb or something and I can send you a link. :) I'll still use this one for just personal ramblings and such.
Peace and love.
I've obviously made a couple bad judgement calls and have gotten myself into a bit of a situation. It's head vs. heart but head has to win. Need to think logically and rationally and be more careful about who I help and why. My willingness to become a caretaker and extend my help to others so easily is still not where it needs to be to be considered "healthy." I have gotten much, much better but still need to work on setting healthy boundaries so that I don't get myself into situations which are uncomfortable when offering to help someone who is going through hard times.
Damn it, slap on the wrist and lesson learned, now I need to figure out a reasonable way out of this.
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- Current Location:US, Wisconsin, Marathon, Rib Mountain, Big Pine Ln, 6298
I'm not completely sure yet, but, the more time goes by, the more I'm feeling like I've been rejected.
I looked up and found a really old friend of mine that I've wanted to find for a long time. I sent him an email the other night, but, still haven't heard from him. I'm not sure if he uses the Internet much, it honestly doesn't seem like it, but, I think most people do so I'd like to think he would have checked his email at some point yesterday/today.
This isn't anything like my Ahmed/Devon drama from the past. I absolutely never want to go through anything like what I put myself through during those years ever again, and I'll do my best to avoid any such drama for the rest of my life.
That said, it's been a long time since this friend of mine and I have spoken or stayed in touch, so I can only speculate what he's like now, how he's changed, and what kind of family he has now.
I'd love to get in touch with him and catch up though. I think about him sometimes and have semi-frequently over the years.
So, the more time goes by, the more I'm preparing myself for the rejection it looks like I'm going to/have probably received. Obviously rejection itself is nothing new to me, but, this particular person rejecting me I think would make me fairly sad as I we were EXTREMELY close and had such a crazy strong bond with each other. I know that he will probably remember that, but, he may well be a completely different person now.
The crazy thing is, when I found listings for his previous addresses, he was in AZ shortly after I left, he was in CA while I was there, and, he was in Milwaukee for quite some time while I was living in WI and when I did go down to Milwaukee on occasion. In fact, I stayed at a hotel maybe ten miles away from where he lived while he lived there. And now, now he lives not far from my grandfather. It's such a small world.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but, definitely preparing myself for the possibility that I won't be able to reconnect with him because so much time has gone by.
The last time he and I spoke though, we were on really good terms, so, I hope that is still the case. :)
I'll keep hope in my heart but accept rejection in my mind... :(
Oh and, this has absolutely nothing to do with ANY romantic interest whatsoever, and I do not want nor would I ever to jeopardize my relationship, nor my friend's relationship. This is strictly wanting to re-connect with someone I was very good friends with at a point in my life when it meant so much to me.
Well, here's hoping...
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- Current Location:US, Wisconsin, Marathon, Schofield, Country Club Rd, 1299
I'm actually considering starting a public journal but keeping it anonymous. I'd like to chronicle my weight loss, health and fitness progress, as well as volunteer experiences and job searching/starting experiences. Obviously, it's a lot of change in a little time, so I'd like to go somewhere online that I can receive support, without anyone I know being able to link it back to me and use it against me (such as my family).
But, for now I can feel relatively safe here. I've cut drama out of my life, so I'm able to post whatever, without having fear of who will read this or what will happen as a result. It's taken me a long time to get to where I am emotionally and just in general, but therapy has really helped me to come full circle, and my own goals of a healthier and more active lifestyle have really changed my attitude, energy and how positive I am about most things in my life.
So, hard as it is to admit, I did let myself go really bad in terms of weight.
I've been very thin most of my life, and regardless of what I ate or drank, I always really stayed quite thin. This changed around 2008 when I started on my pain med, Oxycontin. I don't think that the weight gain was a specific side effect to the drug directly, however, it certainly was a side effect indirectly. It really changed me from being somewhat active (I've never been super active, but never really have needed to be) to being extremely lethargic and just lazy in general. So over the last few years, I just steadily climbed up in weight, although most of it was in 2008. I actually lost over 10 pounds the few weeks I was in AZ after my dad passed away, but of course I gained that right back.
Anyways, I just got sick of it. I couldn't fit into my size 12's. 12!!! I was a size 5 all though high school and college. So 12!!! No freaking way. So while technically I was the size of a 14, I refused to go that high. I wore gym pants and started hitting the gym, refusing to accept my new weight and size (I got up to just under 175!).
So for the past 6 weeks or so, I've been working out regularly, watching what I eat (I keep myself on a 1200 calorie diet now, and use an app called my fitness pal) and in general, trying to keep myself moving and mobile. I don't allow myself to just sit around all day, or especially not to eat a bunch of junk food. I still allow myself about 2 root beers/day, but that's my only treat. So I've done well. I didn't want to lose the weight too fast, because I don't want to have a bunch of excess skin. I want my body to be able to keep up with the weight loss, which so far it's doing. So today I weighed myself and I'm down to 163. So I'm pretty happy with that. My 12's fit very loose, so I'm willing to bet I could probably even squeeze back into my 10's (though I'm not going to try till I lose probably at least 5 more pounds, just in case, I don't want to be disappointed). I guess it's a good thing that I kept most of my smaller sized clothes (although I gave away a bunch to friends that were smaller, I still have closets upon closets full of clothing).
So anyways, this is my journey. Ideally, I'd love to get back into my 6/7's, but realistically, I'll take getting back into my size 8's. I just turned 31, and I don't expect to have the body of a teenager or of a young 20 year old. And honestly, I wouldn't want that. I had a friend that kept herself so thin (yet still thought she was fat, which was just sickening) that she didn't have periods anymore. She refused to accept that it was because she had like 0% body fat. I guess I'm lucky that although I have gained a ton of weight, I haven't developed any serious body image issues. I don't care what anyone thinks about how I look. I'm still confident and I still know that I'm pretty and that guys find me attractive. I don't have to have my ribs and spine sticking out to think that I look good. In fact, any guy I've known (besides maybe one, but he was a controlling weirdo with major issues himself) prefers a woman with a bit of "meat on her bones." Not one guy I've been with prefers a girl so thin that she looks like she just came out of a concentration camp. Gross.
Alright, well, don't want to get off topic.
My goal is 2 pounds a week, but I'm fine even with 1 a week (although so far, it's been more than that). I haven't had to go to the gym as much as I thought (though I still like to go 3-4 times a week, and push myself to muscle failure). I'm doing my cardio, swimming, dog walking, riding the stationary bike (for longer than I'm supposed to even) so I think I'm on the right track. I also have two friends that are doing the same as me, back in AZ. They're using the app, which really helps when it comes to encouraging each other and giving each other motivation. I really appreciate their feedback, and also enjoy cheering them on. We can lose this weight if we want, and so far, so good.
My inspiration to be able to do this was actually the show, Heavy. I watched enough episodes of the show to then tell myself, "If they can do this, and lose 100 pounds or more (sometimes several hundred pounds), then I can surely lose 40-50 pounds since I'm so much smaller and so much more able to get out and get active, and take control of my life again!
Another benefit is that I notice that working out completely changes my mood. I don't suffer from chronic depression because I'm actually getting out and making my body work, which feels fantastic. I don't have the bad moods or low moods that I pretty much always had, I'm much less temperamental, and in general I just feel so much better. I'm very happy that I chose to do something about this now, before I let it get even worse!
So, I'll come back maybe once a week and chronicle my progress, and see where I can get at a healthy, non-obsessive pace. So far, so good. :)
So, I'm in the middle of re-admittance to UWSP (the uni I graduated from with my BA). I am enrolling to get a BFA. I'm so excited!!! I'm going to have to come out of my element and do more than just the drawing and digital art, and photography that I want.
It's also going to be wood working, ceramics, welding, and all sorts of other stuff. 2D art. 3D art.
I look forward to expanding my horizons. I also very much look forward to focusing on school this time since, for the first time, I won't have Devon or Ahmed drama.
I think I'll really enjoy it and make the most of it. It'll also raise my GPA at the uni so if/when I do decide to work, I'll be able to brag about my GPA instead of leaving it off of my resume.
I think after this, I'm going to apply for my masters degree. Maybe I could be a teacher who teaches art at high school or something like that.
Anyways, figured it was a time for a happier post.
There's a certain someone that thought she was so much better than me while she stressed out about her own drama. I'm sure reading this will just make her even more jealous about how much better my life is than hers. Especially considering my husband is so amazing, my marriage is great, my house is coming along nicely, AND I was able to foreclose on my old house instead of living a life where we exist only to pay bills and slave away to survive.
I love my life.
I love my husband.
I love my beautiful niece who is now living with us.
I love working on and fixing up my house. It's coming along so well, even if we take our time.
Life is good. Nothing in my life is better than my amazing husband and my sweetheart niece who is here now. :)
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- Current Location:US, Wisconsin, Marathon, Rib Mountain, Pansy Ln, 1401
I have the urge to go on and rant about a few people, saying negative and degrading things (only certain people, not many). They are things I either know, or believe to be true.
However, in an effort to control my BPD, I'm going to avoid making such a post, and instead just say, life is good.
Ryan is amazing and I love him more and more every day that goes by.
My puppy, Luna, is doing very well, and is growing up to be a great dog (although quite energetic). I can't imagine not having her, she's just incredible.
Stormy is slowly adjusting to life here. She's resistant to the changes I wish to implement in her behavior or rules I wish to impose, but, at the end of the day, I am the adult charged with her care, and she is living in my home. She's here for a reason. Her life in Arizona wasn't working out, so she came here to make changes. That doesn't mean she gets to knit pick what changes and call the shots. She falls in line, or, she can go back home.
I've no intention or desire to raise an angry and defiant teenager. I hope she will turn out to be appreciative, respectful, understanding and motivated. It's her life. I can't drag her through it the way I want. She has to make good changes for herself. We'll see how things work out.
I love my friends, my WI family, and even a teeny tiny part of my biological family.
I'm looking forward to starting school for digital art and photography. It'll make me quite happy to improve my art.
I think that's it for now. :)
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- Current Location:US, Wisconsin, Marathon, Rib Mountain, Rib Mountain Dr, 5786
Mostly moved into Wausau house. A few small loads to move up from Madison plus our flowers and a couple more trees, then we should be set. Still tons of unpacking, but this house is much more cozy.
Super exuded because... My niece, Stormy (15) will be living with me as of June 22 for about two years. I toured the high school that she's going to be going to, and it's absolutely amazing. Their choir program is not only the best in the state, but also really high up there for the country too. And since she loves choir so much, I couldn't be more excited for her. It's going to be great. I absolutely cannot wait for her to get here so we can have an awesome summer together.
We have tons of gardening to do here (for me it's prep work, pulling out tons of old plants + weeds and such, then we're putting up the retaining wall that I bought ($800 in bricks, and that was on sale). So glad I have such a strong and handy husband.
I think this weekend will be full of work. We can finally get started on the major yard work (Ryan + our friendly neighbors managed to mow down the giant tick filled field we had growing here). It's been too hot and muggy (90 degrees plus a 70% dew point). It was completely miserable out there. Also, the basement was so entirely full that I couldn't get to or move anything. Ryan finally found some time to put my desk and DVD stand back together, so I'll finally be able to start making some decent progress unpacking and organizing (I also have lots of painting ahead of me). But it's all very rewarding since it's our house, not the banks. And we know everything we do adds value or just makes it much nicer to live here, seeing how we're stuck for at very least, 3 years after our foreclosure gets done.
Everything is great. Ryan isn't traveling nearly as much now so it's so nice to have him home during the weeks after almost two years solid of him travelling and only being home 2 days a week. I'm so much happier when I know I get to see him and actually live with him after all the time that's gone by. It's also been great for our relationship.
Kitties and doggies are doing well. Luna is coming along nicely. Main problems remain poddy training and the nipping/biting that teething puppies do. Hope that resolves soon. She's now officially 4 months old. I totally love her and can't wait to start taking her to the lake/river that's just a 5 minute walk from the house. :)
Plans for summer with Stormy include, water park in the Dells, horseback riding in the Dells, MoA shopping (but not too much), and maybe a trip to Chicago. Maybe for her spring break, we'll go to NYC and DC. I'm just so happy my baby niece is going to be here. :)
I'll for sure be writing much more soon, since my computer will be all hooked up again soon! Yay!
Oh yeah, and, current project I'm going to be doing; all of the Disney princesses in my style, in ninja, samurai, assassin, rogue, and geisha styles. I'm looking forward to it, though I'm sure it will be much harder than I currently am thinking.
But it'll be fun. If anyone has suggestions, please feel free to comment. I'll be starting on Jasmin, then Mulan, then Alice. Should be fun. :)
That's all for now, but more to come soon! :)
Peace, love and friendship (even though some people don't know the true meaning of friendship and should avoid my journal as such. :)
Oh yes and, today Luna is being puppy sit by Pam, and I'm going to the Madison VA to undergo fertility testing to find out what the deal is. Ryan's all clear, so now it's my turn. Yikes!
As promised, more to come soon!
Love most of you!!! Others, please get a life and go away. I said please. :)
(sorry for however many mispellings. I'm on my iPhone and van only see half my scree. I'll edit if neccessary when I get home later tonight).
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- Current Location:US, Wisconsin, Marathon, Rib Mountain, Pansy Ln, 1452
I know I haven't really written much, but I will be writing a lot more soon.
I hope that everyone is well and having a happy Christmas Eve, Eve. :)