you can't keep a secret if it never was a secret to start

save test results.

Mon, 12 May 2008 00:28:56 GMT

The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test
Your Score: 4- the Individualist
Thanks for taking the test !

you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR (aka "The Romantic")

"I am unique"

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

* Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.

* Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.

* Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.

* Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.

* Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a FOUR

* my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
* my ability to establish warm connections with people
* admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
* my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
* being unique and being seen as unique by others
* having aesthetic sensibilities
* being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a FOUR

* experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
* feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
* feeling guilty when I disappoint people
* feeling hurt or attacked when someone misunderstands me
* expecting too much from myself and life
* fearing being abandoned
* obsessing over resentments
* longing for what I don't have

FOURs as Children Often

* have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games
* are very sensitive
* feel that they don't fit in
* believe they are missing something that other people have
* attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
* become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
* feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

FOURs as Parents

* help their children become who they really are
* support their children's creativity and originality
* are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
* are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
* are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Sign this petition!

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 08:51:20 GMT

In 2007, the 'artist' Guillermo Vargas Habacuc, took
a dog from the street,
tied him to a rope in an art gallery, and starved
him to death.

For several days, the 'artist' and the visitors of
the exhibition have
watched emotionless the shameful 'masterpiece' based
on the dog's agony,
until eventually he died.

But this is not all... the prestigious Visual Arts
Biennial of the Central
American decided that the 'installation' was
actually art, so that
Guillermo Vargas Habacuc has been invited to repeat
his cruel action for the
biennial of 2008.

http://www.petitiononline.com/ea6gk/petition.html

i'm sitting here making my own rules.

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 23:30:14 GMT

always second best.
maybe it's because...
I tend to seek out people whose top spots are already filled.
I don't do this intentionally.
I feel like it's a test that I keep failing.

but it's the same with everyone.
even those who I am not in that situation with.
there is always someone else who comes first.
something else.

I miss what it feels like to be the single most important thing in someone's life.

it'll happen again... one day.

until then here I sit.

this was on myspace but I wanted to put it here too.

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 00:32:11 GMT

I want to see the world. I want to touch it with my fingertips.
I want to laugh in a new place next to new strangers with the same problems evident in their eyes.
I want to feel a different wind blow the bangs out of my eyes as I smile. I want to see the flaws in a city as much as I want to see it's beauty. I want to whisper in all the hidden spots and see with my own two eyes the ones everyone already talks about. I want to give a bum five dollars just because he's playing the guitar on the side of a new street in his old rags. I want to ask him his story and what steps led him to that city. I want to lie in the grass in a new place and stare up at the same sky and make silly guesses of what the clouds are, like "that one's a dog!" or "there is president bush... or is that a monkey?". I want to fall in love over and over again in a different city with the same person every time. I want to take my camera and capture it all so that I can keep it forever; so that you can see the world through my eyes if you're not given the same chance.

if only life were so carefree. =)

welcome to faux town.

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 03:32:28 GMT

friends always let me down.
but I continue to try to lift them up.
my life has been pretty calm.
and i'm not sure if i'm ready for it to be shaken up again just yet.
i've gotten by with the help of friends.
not sure which ones are real though.
I guess time will tell.

I just wanna partyyyyy.
drama free and smiles.
not all this bullshit that people put me in the middle of.
this used to be simpler.

girls are stupid.
we should stick together but we don't.
guys steal social lives.
and we let them.

no boy issues here though.
check back with me next week.
there is no keeping this heart in line.
i've just been lucky not to have met anyone recently that sped up it's beat in a romantic way.

♥

in west philadelphia born and raised...

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 06:58:16 GMT

Logic? Who needs that. That's for smart people! Pfh, logic.

I started Christmas shopping today. Yeah, that's right... I said started. Anyone reading this should know that I'm a procrastinator. I need to finish tomorrow. I'm also broke. I think I'll go play the one guitar chord that I know over and over again on the street and see if anyone will give me some change. Chyeah. My head really hurts but I don't think I want to sleep just yet. Cassandra went shopping with me. I picked her up and we drove to the mall with the windows down [well mine was down, hers was up because she didn't want to mess up her hair... pfh, girls] and dashboard confessional playing because we're true emo kids like that [haha]. I can't believe that Christmas is a couple of days away. On one hand I feel like this year has gone by so fast that it almost feels like it's only mid 2007. On the other hand this has been the longest fucking year in the history of ever and I feel like it should have been over a long time ago.

I just want to say that... I know some really amazing people. They more than make up for all the other zillion shitty people that I know.

Pain make your way to me and I'll always be just so inviting.

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 15:37:12 GMT

As humans most of us have an internal feeling that alerts us to danger. If you lose control of your vehicle and you're driving towards a body of water; naturally, you're gonna try to turn your wheel. If the stove is hot... we don't touch it, obviously to avoid being burned. If a car is coming... you don't walk out into the street. If something is poisonous we don't eat it. Anyway, you see what I'm saying. Why don't we apply this to ALL areas of our life? We constantly place ourselves in situations knowing that the chances of us getting hurt by it are very likely. We take risks... we hope... and there is only one thing in life that can make us do this. It turns us into idiots. If we applied the same [lack of] logic to other areas of our lives we'd be dead. Yellow lights are for speeding up right? Yeah, that's what I thought.

I'm always changing... and yet part of me is still the same.

if I ever start to think straight this heart will start a riot in me.

I know now this is who I really am inside.

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 08:03:35 GMT

Funny how things work out.
I don't know why I'm up so late after having done nothing all night.
I've been talking to this person who used to hate me for hours now.
Also, drunken I love you's from Stina before she went to bed.
Nate IMing me doesn't affect me a bit.
Double you tee eff...

2008, are you going to be as interesting as I think (and hope) you'll be? Give me something good please, would you?

♥

sighhhhhhhhh.

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 03:01:42 GMT

oh and some good freaking luck would be good in 2008 too, thanks! because I find that I've had none whatsoever all year long.

fail.

lifes no storybook.

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 04:53:49 GMT

Stina and I are singing bright eyes lyrics to each other via text messages, we're such emo kids. =)

Oh no, what will she write?

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 21:52:45 GMT

Someone redo my LJ for me. I've never worked with S2 before and this layout sucks big time. It makes me want to punch the screen really hard! okay not really, but I was going for dramatic.

flyleaf and then snow patrol. you should download.

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 05:15:15 GMT

I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head ’til I don’t want to sleep anymore.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have.
You always were the one to show me how.
Back then I couldn’t do the things that I can do now.
This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.
Come on tell me.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have.
In this place it seems like such a shame.
Though it all looks different now.
I know it’s still the same.
Everywhere I look you’re all I see.
Just a fading reminder of who I used to be.
something I can never have.

---------------

and it's beginning to get to me that I know more of the stars and sea than I do of what's in your head. barely touching in our cold bed. I tried to tell you before I left. but I was screaming under my breath. you are the only one thing that makes sense. just ignore all this present tense. we need to feel breathless with love. and not collapse under its weight. i'm gasping for the air to fill my lungs with everything i've lost.
it's beginning to get to me.

in memory.

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 05:43:29 GMT

this post is in memory of marc and I's dog Audrey who was hit by a car back in 2005. RIP. Also, the person she got her name from... Audrey Hepburn, who I impersonated one Halloween. Both were obviously gorgeous girls.

♥

it is better to be alone than in bad company.

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 18:50:40 GMT

Life has been good, not all that exciting I suppose. I've been attempting to enroll at Edison but everytime I go in there they come up with something else I need to bring them. I am technically enrolled but as a non-florida resident until I can produce something other than my drivers license to prove my residency. I also can't take my placement test or register for classes until June. Nobody there seems to know what they are talking about because they all tell me different things. Thomas Edison is probably rolling over in his grave knowing that such a unorganized crap college was named after him. I'm not even at Edison yet and I already can't wait to transfer to a University.

I bought myself a laptop. It makes me feel very grown up to buy expensive things. Amazingly, I still have enough money left over to survive on until I get paid on Tuesday. As long as I am able to stay at Chicos for the next four months until I start school then I should be okay with money. I should have a couple thousand saved and even be able to put money down on a car and pay off the majority of my credit card debt. Having money is nice, am I sure that I'm ready to give that up just to further my education and pursue my dreams? I suppose so. I really hope that I don't wind up regretting my decision. I just don't think that I could work full-time and also go to school.

The thought of learning to trust the largest animal in the world (a whale) not to eat me isn't even all that frightening. Most of all, I really am anxious to work with dolphins. They are such interesting creatures; they are very intelligent. I practice operant conditioning with my dogs. It would be even more fun to attempt to train a dolphin. Lots of people get into this profession even though it does not pay a lot due to how self-fulfilling it is.

I'm aware that today is Saturday and I am sitting at home on my computer. How sad. Sometimes I just can't make the effort to be friends with most people. Most of the time it does not seem worth it. I'm sick of being placed at the bottom of someone's priority list. I'm sick of hearing people talk shit about people and then seeing them act nice to their face. At times I do miss being socialble. I miss acting like nothing else mattered but the present.

It's all I've been thinking of and maybe I'm just sick of thinking of the future. Life used to be more fun.

and a love that when it was right could always see me through.

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 05:43:42 GMT

I hate the fact that I work all week and want to stay up late but can't, then when it comes to the weekends I am just too tired from the work week to stay up late. I feel like I came to this blogging space (blogging still sounds so foreign to me, by the way) with important things to say. All I can seem to think of is how angry I am that I will never have hair as good as Jennifer Love Hewitt's.

I want to be a marine mammal trainer. I want to be able to afford it. I want it all to work out. Meeting with a counselor at Edison on Monday. I think I will be going for the psych degree instead of biology. I've researched and either one would be acceptable. I've always been interested in psychology, so that might be the best option for me.

I thought I was going to relax tonight but I really don't know where the time has gone. Tomorrow Nate and I were going to go to the beach but it is cold now. Then at night Jaclyn is kidnapping me for 4wheeling with her and Roger. I might try not to almost lose my phone this time. I don't care what anyone says, that Razr is a trooper.

"I don't even like jelly."

peeeeeace.

Remember when?

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 00:52:03 GMT

I just miss the way my life used to be. When I had Xander. When I had a boyfriend who hadn't yet morphed into a crazy person.

I just love having to stand up for myself, because he isn't doing it, to a bunch of mexicans that are calling things at me and whistling. Saying "Hey baby we like you come here." What I love even more than that is being told I should consider it a compliment because they thought I was hot.

I just love being degraded, it makes me feel so hot!

The sad part is that isn't even the worst of it.

babysitting.

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 01:33:12 GMT

I babysit my cousins from time to time. Two boys (11 and 9) and a girl (7). They are way too grown up.

They are watching Maury, the woman's husband was sleeping with their babysitter. Well, their parent's let them watch these things so I will let it continue. Oh gee, now Maury is talking to a prostitute. She is describing the things she does. This is very educational television. You change her life Maury, you go.

Oh em gee, we must go play scrabble and life or their young lives will simply be over, supposedly.

I'd rather be sleeping.

Arctic says it all:

on the other side.

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 07:04:59 GMT

Remember the time before we were all in serious relationships? When life was more fun? When the future and every chance encounter made us eager and excited. At a time when we cared about our appearence and didn't live our lives in jeans and t-shirts. We spent over an hour getting ready, walking around each other's bedrooms in our underwear and trying on each other's clothes. When every touch from someone special sent electricity through our hands all the way to our hearts. When we spent endless amounts of time over-analyzing every little detail from a conversation with "the one". When we never knew what each day would bring.

The grass is always greener..

We pick the puppy up at the airport tomorrow.

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 21:45:14 GMT

He just wishes he would be able to meet his big brother Xander.

The breeder sent me an email last night to confirm his flight and she shared with me this cute little story.
*Hondo is the name he was given at the breeder, but we are naming him Arctic.*

"Do you remember telling me after seeing some of Hondo's pictures, you thought he looked like a trouble maker? Welllllll......Let me tell you what he did. I had him and his brothers and sisters in our front nursery room, they were playing on the floor while I was working. I do this a lot when the weather is bad and they can't go out to play. Keep in mind there is nothing on the floor for the puppies to get into other than their toy box full of toy. I stepped out of the room for just a minute to go to the back of the nursery to get another puppy. When I returned Hondo and his posse had managed to turn the trash over. Well that in itself would not be a problem, just a mess. There was an empty dog food can in the trash and when I re-entered the room your Hondo had managed to get his head in this can and had it stuck on his head. I can't begin to tell you what a funny sight this was. I only wish I had had my camera. All of the other puppies were playing with the toys, unconcerned with the trash on the floor. Hondo was having a terrible time with this can stuck on his head, bumping into things, you can just imagine. I had to work to get it off of the silly boy. Now for the bad part. Apparently as he stuck his head in the can a sharp edge on the can made a small puncture in his skin just below his eye on his cheek. I can't make this stuff up, Hondo really did this. My vet looked at it today and said it looks fine, it's draining and healing OK. It is a little puffy so once again I am including a picture for you to see. I'm sure by now you have figured out Hondo is a mischievous, ornery little boy. Other than this his pre-flight health screen went very well. I can't wait to see what he's done by morning. Let me know what you think. You may want to say forget it, send me a puppy that is not in self-destruct mode."

If you have a nintendo wii.

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 00:13:22 GMT

buy this game from me.

Ultimate Alliance

it's at a really low price right now ($11.15) considering it is $40 at the store.

Like a polar bear.

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 06:09:07 GMT

Rory is depressed.
We are depressed.
We are getting a new little one.
I still wish Xander would come home.

Here is the little one, we are naming him Arctic.

These were taken when he was about 4 weeks old, I'm thinking.

These are him now at 7 weeks.

He comes home next week on the 28th. He wishes he could have met his amazing big brother Xander.

=(

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 06:40:14 GMT

Date: Feb 15, 2007 7:14 PM
Subject How am I supposed to be okay?
Body: There are moments in life when you know that you'll never be the same. Never love anyone, any pet, the same. What is the point when we're all going to die? What is the point when there are people in the world that will hit your dog with a car and leave it to die? When there are people in the world who will throw your dog in a trash bag and let it get taken away as it were in fact trash? Don't tell me it's all those good memories you'll be left with. You mean the ones that won't let me stop crying, that remind me that I'll never see him again? Why does this have to happen to me again? I don't want to live in a world where two of my dogs have died because someone doesn't know how to swerve, because someone doesn't know how to get them to an ER VET immediately after the dog has been hit. You might have been able to save his life, there is an ER vet 10 minutes away. Instead you just drove on and went on with your life, I bet you're okay right now and you've already forgotten. Where was I? Walking around passing out flyers or waiting at the door for him to come home. He was so close, I bet he was on his way. I was two minutes from seeing my dog and having him home safe again. Two minutes from having him here right now begging me for food or to go out. Two minutes from having him here sleeping under the bed. I don't know who you are but you took him from me. Whoever opened that gate. Whoever hit him and didn't stop. He deserved so much more than to be left there in the middle of a busy road, dying. To that prick who drug him underneath his car all the way home because he "wasn't about to wreck his car to avoid some dog in the road." Who said he didn't bury him because it was just a dog, and not his dog. Why not just throw him in a trash bag and call it a night? After all he was "creeped out" by the whole situation. I'm sorry that it was so creepy for you that you had to desecrate the body of one of the only beings that I've ever allowed myself to love.

What am I supposed to? Watch tv like he was never here at all? Try to forget? Actually eat something today like he wasn't always there begging me for food?

You'll never know how much it hurts.

Date: Feb 16, 2007 1:38 AM
Subject Here is the story on Xander.
Body: I received a phone call today from a man claiming to have hit my dog on 41. He told my boyfriend that he wasn't sure if he had hit him or if someone else had and then he just ran him over. He said that he didn't know that the dog was underneath his car and being dragged along for the ride until he got home. I received a call from the people working at the store that he had been viewing the "missing dog flyer" at. They told me that they thought he was crazy and didn't think I should believe a word that he said. They said that everything he said made no sense and he was trying to give them all these gory details. They said he told them that he saw the dog ahead in the road and drove over it and it got stuck underneath his car and had to be scraped off. I called him back later so that I could attempt to find a way to verify that he had hit my dog. He said that he did not see a collar (though my dog was wearing one when he was taken from my backyard) and that it was so messy that he had thrown the dog's body in a garbage bag and it had been picked up by the trash men. He told me that he had not been the one to hit the dog, but had seen it laying in the middle of the road and "wasn't about to wreck his car" to swerve to avoid it. Were there no cars in front of him on a busy road like 41 that would have been avoiding it too? If there were no cars in front of him would he not have been able to see him if he was in fact laying in the middle of the road, still? I questioned him about the fact that he said he had not known the dog was underneath his car, but had just said that he saw it in the road and knowingly drove over it. He said that he looked back and didn't see the body and figured that it was "flung to the side of the road". He was irritated that I was asking him questions and basically said that since it wasn't his dog he wasn't about to bury it or "hang out with it" as he said.. so he just put him in a bag as if he were trash. This leaves me with no way to verify that this was my dog except for the mans words and descriptions (which were accurate.. but might have been known from the picture on the flyer), and upset at this man's actions. I believe him because I feel as though my dog would have turned up by now and I can't imagine someone lying about something so horrid. He did seem sincere enough until I started questioning him. Is there anything that I can do about this? Will animal control do anything? This man's actions were not okay. The dog deserved a burial if anything. I still don't understand his reasoning behind not swerving/braking or at least pulling over to check to see if the animal was under his car. Especially, if he was not sure if he was the one to originally hit it as he had told my boyfriend. He should have checked to see if he needed veterinary attention. I just don't understand.

Date: Feb 16, 2007 2:54 PM
Subject More info on Xander situation.
Body: Thank you for all your messages.
I did try to track down where the trash had gone, because yes trash in our area did get picked up yesterday like the jerk had said. They said that they don't go through the trash and that trash from yesterday would have already been sent to the incinerator.
I called animal control and there is nothing that they can do about this guy, but they did say that they thought he was a lunatic. We are unable to decide if he is the kind of crazy that would lie about something like this or the kind of crazy that would actually see a dog in the road and do what he had described. I want to look for the collar along the route that he described he took, but then part of me doesn't want to. If I find it, then I will know at least. If I don't, then that doesn't mean that he is lying. I keep expecting to get a phone call from someone saying that they found my dog, just so that I can stop hurting like this and imagining these horrific things. When he would get out, we'd spend hours driving around sometimes before we found him. My heart would sink a little each time until we found him and it was a relief and an amazing feeling to have him back, safe and sound. I miss that. Everyone says not to give up. Afterall, if I give up and he is still out there then I have failed. If I don't give up, it just makes it all the harder to be hanging lost dog flyers of a dog that I feel is no longer around to be found.
I keep thinking of all of the things that I could have done differently. Xander might still be here today if I had just taken the time and gotten him neutered. 80% of the dogs killed by cars are un-neutered males. I'm sure you know why. There are so many people that can be blamed in this situation, including myself, but blaming won't bring him back. That doesn't mean that I don't blame the people/person that may have hit him with their car. I would never do what those people did. If by some horrific accident I hit an animal, I would try to help it and if I couldn't I wouldn't just leave it there. No decent human being would. But how many decent human beings are there in the world? I feel that the laws for hitting people and for hitting animals should be the same. If you hit a child and leave it to die, you go to jail. If you hit an animal and leave it to die, nothing happens. The world doesn't make sense to me and probably never will.

Date: Feb 16, 2007 3:25 PM
Subject Another thing that douchebag said that didn't make sense.
Body: He told Roger at first that he had left the dog on the side of the road, then he told him that he threw him away.
He changes his story a lot. He is either lying or just an insane drunk or both.

You know I'm such a fool for you.

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 09:17:08 GMT

I feel really detached from everyone. I am pulling away, and I'm certainly not nursing the bonds that I have with anyone. I talk to few people anymore. I'm just sick of the way people are, and I'm sick of getting treated like shit or hurt. I hate how fake everyone is. I hate how I am hated for being honest, and not letting people walk all over me, those I care about and my home. I hate how everyone else can go on being treated nicely, when they are just saying the things that I said behind their back. I hate that I am bothered by any of it. I guess I am just feeling really alone. I used to be closer to people. I used to care. I used to be nicer. It all just gets to be too much in time. I know I am not the easiest person to deal with, I'm slightly abrasive at times. I just can't take it anymore, any of it. I'm so unhappy at all times, and that lack of desire to make me happy only pushes me further and further away. It only makes me harder to deal with. I'm sick of being hard to deal with.

I don't really have anyone to talk to anymore. I mean, share feelings with and tell secrets to. I talk to Jaclyn and Nate.. and not about everything. Nate views the things that I say from the wrong angle, he doesn't understand. Roger and Melissa sometimes too. I don't have the energy to try to talk to anyone new. I'm so burnt out. I think that if someone cares about you, they don't just drop you from their life and stop speaking to you for some idiotic reason. Everything I said was justified and had been building up over time. I won't apologise because I know that I am right. Three other people felt the exact same way.

I'm 19 and apparently i'm supposed to be thinking about parties, drinking, smoking pot and wreaking havoc.. only, I'm not interested in any of that. It makes it extremely hard to connect with anyone.

I feel so lost...

and i'm sick of complaining about it. At least I am alive and healthy, and that is what I am thankful for this thanksgiving. As well as some other things.

We looked like giants in the back of my grey subcompact fumbling to make contact.

Mon, 02 Oct 2006 08:06:29 GMT

I apologise about the fact that I only come here to complain and bitch.
I have other outlets for happy posts. I write here what very few will read.

Let's be happy for once. I went shopping today and also got my eyebrows waxed by a very peculiar gay man. I bought lingerie that matches my hair now that Melissa dyed and cut it. My nails are done as well. This is all very superficial. I'm aware.

Nate and I are really good. We're either really good or really bad.

I think I want AJ to win this season of America's Next Top Model.

It's 4am and I'm not making sense.

School.

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 13:55:40 GMT

I find myself disappointed lately that I'm not going to college. All those years I couldn't wait to get out of school and now I miss it. I should have worked harder in school instead of fucking up. I should have thought about how i'd need the scholarships because my family either wouldn't or couldn't afford to help with the schooling at all. I could have done it too. I'm very intelligent, just lazy. My SAT score alone probably would have helped me out a lot. I signed up for either the SAT or that other test they have, but I never went. I can't remember why.