| I've been better. |
[16 Jun 2010|10:14pm] |
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At this. Whole... journal thing. It's only been two months since I last wrote in this. I know that no one reads this anymore, and that it's kind of just for me now. Which I like. I'm kinda okay with it.
At the moment, I'm currently in my hometown, but I've spent (roughly) the past nine months away at college. It's been a wonderful time. I can't say it was the happiest, because obviously, shit happens. But don't get me wrong; this isn't a negative post. It's been good. I've met a lot of good people. And I've discovered a lot of things about myself. Like,
1) I want to be with a man because I crave the affection (because, well... duh), and the neglect (something about wanting a man that doesn't want you back, if that makes any sense. At all.).
2) I need to learn how to respect myself. I am learning to look at myself in the mirror and see that I do think that I'm beautiful, and be able to admit that to anyone else. I think my opinion of myself has yet to catch up with what I truly look and feel like. I have days where I feel absolutely beautiful (rather than insecure for once), but then I worry about what everyone else thinks.
3) If I want to get better anything, I have to goddamn practice for once. Like singing.
4) I need to keep on finding happiness in simpler things in life. And I need to stop using constant transformation and materialism as a way to fill a void.
5) I want to get back to my literature roots. And my music roots.
6) And stop... worrying as much. It's killing me.
I probably have a bunch of other things too. But it's okay. Everything is okay. I'm going to go just enjoy some good music right now.
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[08 Apr 2010|02:33am] |
I wanted to write, but it's 2:30 in the morning and I've been trying out this new thing called sleep.
I'll have something soon, I promise. But life is okay. Life is good.
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| If you could see me |
[29 Jul 2009|02:08am] |
Wow, I haven't updated in... months? I don't know what is compelling me to write a blog entry right now.
Hm. Tons of things have... changed. Or rather, my environment is changing and I am changing right along with it. First of all, I'm going to COLLEGE. Holy shit, college. Not just any college, but a UC. Which used to be one of my biggest fears, not getting a UC education... and everything worked out. I'm ridiculously (like, TRULY ridiculously) excited to move to Santa Barbara (I'm going to UCSB, by the way, haha). I think it has what I need. Strong academics and competitive enough to make me work hard but balanced with wonderful people and chill-ness. Funny how I got all that from orientation.
But it's a good feeling, you know? It's making the whole facing-the-fact-that-I'm-not-going-to-be-officially-living-at-the-house-I've-been-living-in-for-10-years a lot easier to bear. Knowing that... I'm heading off to something good. I met a bunch of people at orientation, and a few of them I already feel close with, if not just super friendly. And I think the change... I should embrace it. I've always felt like I've been in a rut in Sacramento, with the same people who don't give a shit and with all of the unbearable limits to the point where I can't really... be myself. I'll get to pursue the education I want now and just... learn how to be an adult. I'm so terribly excited for it all!
And to post an entry on this old journal... it seems obligatory to talk about my love life, haha. I guess I.. have a boyfriend? I don't know. We haven't talked in nearly two weeks. It was just a series of disagreements/arguments/etc. and he just told me, "I'll call you some other day," as opposed to calling me every single night. The dynamics changed. I think this was my first relationship where I haven't really felt any enmity or stomach-churning awkwardness after things ending, where I just understood that he is a good person, he's just not right for me, and that's okay. Granted, we haven't spoken. It's been nearly two months out of dating, and he hasn't spoken to me in two weeks. Sounds pretty accurate to say we're not together, right? I know I'll more than likely have to confront him about this sometime soon, but as of now, I'm perfectly content just letting it fall apart.
On another note... I have no job (was gonna work for the City again but due to budget cuts, my promised job fell through) so I've just been keeping busy by hanging out (mainly with Kelly), sewingsewingsewing, and both mentally and physically preparing to leave for school in a month and a half. I've been sewing a lot mainly because I got absolutely fixated on the idea of selling at Second Saturday (a cultural fair of sorts in the downtown area of my city, with boutiques and galleries opening up their doors all at once to the general public, if you didn't know). It was mainly inspired when Kelly and I were approached by this guy who was selling DIY'ed/customized clothes with his girlfriend. I bought a hoodie, which I knocked him down to $25... and imo, it wasn't even worth that much. (But you just kind of develop that mentality when you DIY a lot yourself... you just think, Oh I can make that.) Anywho, I figured that I could do that myself and set up a table willy-nilly like they did. I've made only a few items so far... for the first three days, I sewed constantly (not exaggerating -- I only stopped to eat or use the restroom and went on for... 10+ hours at a time) and kind of burned myself out. Having no patterns and limited supplies makes for really tiring work. I'm pretty proud, though. Now I'm just wondering if I should sell, because I'm starting to question my full use of creativity... and if I'm really just doing this to make a quick buck. But then again, what's the harm in setting up a table for a couple hours and just networking, eh?
On a last bit, I'm turning 18 this coming Saturday. I wanted to go out of town with a couple of good friends, but my father doesn't trust me driving to big cities without him. Oh, little does he know... well, that's another story, haha. Anyhow, I just invited a bunch of friends to go out to dinner and movies this weekend, so it should be fun! Sushi, froyo, and HPinIMAX... can't really get any better. I'm pretty dang strapped for cash (and anytime I DO get some cash, I save it or invest towards college/dorm-related supplies) but I figure, might as well go out with my friends and enjoy myself. :)
I don't think anyone reads this anymore, but I kind of want to start blogging again. I'm on a bunch of other places (facebook, twitter, etc.) but I feel like I can't really talk about anything unless it's here. Hahah. Anyhow, my scant eljay friends -- how are you all? :D
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| Just so you know |
[22 Sep 2008|11:02pm] |
I'm not dead, haha. I have nothing to update with anymore...
My life lately just consists of Gossip Girl, Heroes, (soon!) The Office, band, and friends (though the last two are sometimes synonymous).
Dull, right? :/
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[12 Aug 2008|06:55pm] |
I fucking lost my chance. And I know it's my own damn fault, I know, I know...
But damn... what could have been, you know?
Gah.
><.
In other areas, I had a fucking amazing time last night! Rachel is the best.
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[30 Jul 2008|10:11pm] |
So I've gotten (real-life in-person and online?) comments that I only seem to post "depressing" (their words, not mine) entries. I guess this is true, but I don't feel like there's any real relevance to my words... and when there's.. I guess, upset? in my life, that's when I feel most inclined to write. Which is ridiculously depressing also.
This is another one of those... times.
Completely NOT meaning this to sound extremely dismal, but nothing ever really happens in my life anyway. I'm with my own thoughts and questions a lot.
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[27 Jul 2008|11:30am] |
The Dark Knight was hella tight.
Getting my car stuck overnight in a downtown parking garage was not.
Is it strange that I was/am still absurdly attracted to Heath Ledger during the movie?
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[15 Jul 2008|05:09pm] |
You would never expect someone close to you to betray you, to disregard any ounce of effort that you've put into a relationship, but it happens. And why the fuck does it? I have no idea. I'd like a real honest answer... not shit-talking behind my back when they KNOW it will eventually relay back to me. It just makes me so damn mad how people can be... how they never give a shit until others get fed up and leave. Then they resort to talking even more shit than before.
Pardon my unintentional venting-turned-typical-teenage-melodrama-ridden post, but goddamnit all, people certainly do make me mad. I guess that's how life turns out to be... certain people screw you over, you realize the unnecessary pain, and you move on. Then other people will be there for you, and be the friends you deserve.
Lesson fucking learned.
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[23 Jun 2008|10:01pm] |
Taken from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=91.7) leonesabesa!
The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed. Well let's see.
1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them ;-)
1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible (parts)
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
I'm ashamed.. I've put off my passion for reading far too long!
First day of work tomorrow.. eek.. nervous!
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[12 Jun 2008|11:22pm] |
MY JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL IS FINALLY OVER.
Today is epic, yet it does not feel like it.
I've been putting off updating for a while.. thinking every time that I'll have better stuff later.. but who cares.
These are my grades so far:
Orch - no idea. Better be an A.
PreCal - B! :D (We celebrated. Had a D like 80% of this year!)
APUSH - B!!!!!! (Shall have a B [from a C] last semester if I get a 3 on the AP test. And a B last semester and A this semester if I get a 4!)
Physics - B. Ughhhhh.
Marching Band - A, duh
Mandarin 3 - B(+) No comment. x____________________x
AP English - A
I can't really do anything about it.. but blah. Whatever.
I didn't get Drum Major.. just guard captain again.
I did get that job with Department of Utilities! :D 90-ish applicants.. 40 interviewees.. 10 hired! And I was one of those 10! Pwnage. I start work on the 24th.
I have gotten two new obsessions in the last week, and it is verging on unhealthy..
(Continuing from a later time)
Worst case scenario, I'm getting a 3.29 this semester. And a 3.43 for the entire year.. not counting those extra AP points. But fuck my life, really. Too much shit has gone to worrying about grades.
It is officially the start of my summer before senior year, and.. I've been talking about making it really wonderful, but so far it's been pretty.. whatever. I am determined to make the most of it.
I don't think I've anything else to say. I'm.. pretty tired. In almost every sense of the word.
I have to buy some absurdly-high-price gas soon.
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[27 Apr 2008|07:08pm] |
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I don't... want to go back. To this.. I want to go back to my darlings. I miss them.
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[23 Apr 2008|09:48pm] |
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I need to stop fooling myself. I probably won't get.. either. God.
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[11 Apr 2008|08:28pm] |
Attention Boys:
Do not like me, or I will eventually screw you over and leave you hating me.
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| A constellation of frustration driving her. |
[23 Mar 2008|11:51am] |
Speaking to no one in particular makes me feel a bit more empty like the space around me.
My life as of late:
Avoiding most work and celebrating the few accomplishments I have gained
Mad desires to create something (so much more) of myself
-Un-fulfillments of said desires
A slow descension from the pedestal I placed myself upon
Feelings of loneliness
And inadequacy.
A stagnant life.. that is what I have amounted to. Wallowing in this piece of shit.
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[16 Mar 2008|10:28pm] |
This is going to be another one of those really confusing entries that make no sense but merely only serve a purpose of being a niche for my random ramblings.
I think my mind tries a lot of denial. Denying that I'm probably extremely lonely. It hit me a little bit just a few ago. Even though he's always there for me, it's so hard to explain how my brain works. Even when I don't know how it works myself... like I told him, I think I'm fucked up in the head.
Music is even starting to make less and less sense nowadays. And that's when I can tell it's serious... the one constant, my only true passion, and it's turning blurry and grey... it scares me.
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[11 Feb 2008|08:54pm] |
I officially hate Amy Winehouse.
I got my license today. :) And I only missed ONE! Because some dumb firetruck in front of me made a left turn the same time as me and it freaked me the eff outtt.
Prom in less than two weeks.
I need to pick up the slack this week.
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[02 Feb 2008|09:08pm] |
I went to the AcaDeca SUPERQuiz today, and it was so amazing. Best school function I've ever been to. Kennedy got third place overall (out of.. 20 or so schools?) in the oral section, and I was so ecstatic. I'm inspired to join next year, but I'm increasingly hesitant due to not wanting to have a huge workload: five academic classes and two elective (music) classes.. not including all of the senior things to do like long long papers and Senior Projects. I'm just scared. The majority of the people I know (save for two or so) are taking five classes or less, while I am taking seven. But two teachers have told me I should join, because they think I'd be good at it. I don't know..
Also, I'm trying to cut down on saying common Terry filler words. Such as "like", "or something", "so", "so like"... You know. And swearing. I hate that I do these things.
Junior Prom is in three weeks. I should call a florist soon.
My last behind-the-wheel driving lesson is on the eighth (Friday).
My driving test is on the eleventh (Monday after).
My first winter drumline competition is in less than four weeks.
And a bunch of other stuff.
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[31 Jan 2008|11:22pm] |
This is going to be a blah, negative, no-good-in-my-life type of entry.
Today, I thought of something. I think the reason I do anything is because I'm lonely. I stick around people that are good for the moment coming, but overall don't even treat me the way I should be treated (well). I don't do anything about it because I'm lonely. Then I immerse myself in music and films and have it as solace. Then people that do (at least seem to) care about me, I reject because I'm.. not used to it.. or just can't stand that I'm not getting hurt for once. Then I try a quick fix by falling in "like" with someone, and somehow getting them to do the same with me also.. then I screw them over and I'm left self-deprecating again.
I don't know who I am anymore. Or rather, I had more of a vague idea years ago; now I'm completely lost.
And all I want to do anymore is cry and sleep and watch films that make me want to cry or completely forget about everything. I'm just so sick of school and working so hard -- whatever happened to "live each day to the fullest" and all that stuff? Why and when did being 16 mean working for everything and everyone else except for you?
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