Trying a new format today. This seemed like fun, to categorize the headlines, but took over 9,000 times longer to put together :/
Anywizzy, enjoy.
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Cops:
Man arrested for biting police car.
Cop insists he had no choice but to Taser a brain damaged woman with a hula-hoop.
After a handcuffed man was accidentally shot by BART police, Oakland is apparently rioting.
Man at airport jokes about shoe bombs; gets arrested.
Religion:
Woman suspected of witchcraft burned alive.
An author who wrote a book titled "Conversations With God" has been accused of stealing his heartwarming anecdotes.
Church official paid for vasectomy with stolen church money.
Bad Parenting:
Another woman who didn't know she was pregnant right up until a baby popped out of her.
Authorities sifted through 60 tons of garbage to find the body of a dumped newborn baby.
Mom arrested for shoplifting book entitled "101 Ways to Be a Great Mom" while with her two kids.
The family of a 14-year-old Afghan rape victim face prosecution, accused of removing her foetus using a razor without anaesthetic.
Celebrities:
Seven utterly retarded things celebrities actually said about the environment.
Henry Rollins writes a love letter to Ann Coulter.
Paris Hilton claims she's "only slept with a couple of men."
Sex:
Romanian woman ends up in the emergency room with a large can of hairspray stuck up her ass. But she refused to tell surgeons how the can came to be lodged in her rear even after a successful operation dislodged the canister. "This was not just a little can of deodorant, this was a massive can of hairspray," said one hospital worker. With awesome pic of X-Ray.
US Porn industry to ask Congress for a bailout too. [Larry] Flynt and "Girls Gone Wild" video series creator Joe Francis asked the newly convened 111th Congress "to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America" in a bailout move similar to the one set aside for US auto manufacturers.
An Australian man broke into three adult shops, had sex with blow up dolls and then dumped his plastic conquests in a nearby alley, local media reported Wednesday.
Drugs:
Anti-drug charity director and her two sons apparently ran 24-hour cocaine delivery service that worked as slick as a pizza delivery business. FTA: On one occasion, the 49-year-old went into a school to educate pupils about the danger of drugs the day after she had supplied cocaine to an undercover police officer.
Animals and Nature:
Cat wanders into TV studio, interrupts weather forecast.
Bizarre squid sex techniques revealed. A new investigation into the tangled sex lives of deep-sea squid has uncovered a range of bizarre mating techniques. The cephalopods' intimate encounters include cutting holes into their partners for sex, swapping genders, and deploying flesh-burrowing sperm.
Man climbs into zoo enclosure containing panda with history of aggression. What could go wrong?
Massive mysterious radio frequency boom detected by astronomers, and nobody can figure out what caused it.
After Toyota has put their Prius plant on hold and GM stopped construction of the Volt, Aptera has announced they're pushing back vehicle production dates of their 2e (pictured) to October 2009.
A gallery of transparent creatures on National Geographic.
The Environment:
Pelicans have been falling out of the sky in the thousands from Mexico to Oregon, even hundreds of miles inland, for no damn reason. Pelicans suffering from a mysterious malady are crashing into cars and boats, wandering along roadways and turning up dead by the hundreds across the West Coast, from southern Oregon to Baja California, Mexico, bird-rescue workers say.... "These birds are on the freeway, getting run over," said Jay Holcomb, executive director of the rescue center in San Pedro. "A bunch we've seen have been hit. They've been landing on yards five miles inland. When some of the people have captured them in parking lots, they just sit in the corner. They just go pick them up."
Sea ice at 1979 levels.
Seas literally frozen in British cold wave. inb4 snarky global warming joke in the comments.
Octopus shaped lightning UFO destroys wind turbine.
Mosquitoes apparently make love to music by beating their wings together in harmony, and somehow this means scientists may be able to beat diseases like dengue and malaria.
Love:
A Malaysian man is suing his ex-fiancee in an Islamic court after her father broke off their engagement via cellphone text messages, a report said Tuesday.
Man throws girlfriend off bridge to settle argument.
Public Nudity:
Man arrested for dancing naked in front of cops. Technically he wasn't completely naked; he had on nothing but a strategically placed sock.
Naked man arrested for walking about Wal-Mart looking for someone to fight with him in mixed Martial arts.
Sports:
Chinese speed skater banned for one year for giving a jeering crowd the finger.
Yachtsman gets rescued twice in under two days. Less than 36 hours after a dramatic rescue after capsizing in treacherous waters off Cape Horn, French round-the-world yachtsman Jean Le Cam had to be rescued again.
The Military:
The Department of Defense is working on a computer program that would pretend to be troops serving abroad during phone cals and video conferences with their family members, and for some reason people think this is a bad idea.
The US Army has apologised for mistakenly sending letters to 7000 families of soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan with the salutation "Dear John Doe".
And the usual WTFery that simply can't be categorized:
An eccentric loner died of thirst after becoming trapped in a bizarre and intricate network of tunnels that he had built himself out of garbage in his home.
The [British] Government is running a £500-a-journey "ghost bus", which never carries passengers, to prevent it from having to admit to closing rail services, it has emerged.
Six year old misses the bus, so he drove the family car to school instead.
Man who ran over a mobster's son ended up dumped in a vat of acid.
Macrumors' liveblogging coverage of Macworld 2009 gets pwned by 4channers.
The latest "study" reveals that exercise won't cure obesity. Fuck it, let's just all wait till liposuctions become super cheap and we can get them done every other month.
Student creates beer-flavored popcorn.
Cracked: Six classic movies that narrowly avoided disaster, and how.
Actual headline: Man shoots pond, vomits, feels better. Florida.
Anywizzy, enjoy.
-
_53Cops:
Man arrested for biting police car.
Cop insists he had no choice but to Taser a brain damaged woman with a hula-hoop.
After a handcuffed man was accidentally shot by BART police, Oakland is apparently rioting.
Man at airport jokes about shoe bombs; gets arrested.
Religion:
Woman suspected of witchcraft burned alive.
An author who wrote a book titled "Conversations With God" has been accused of stealing his heartwarming anecdotes.
Church official paid for vasectomy with stolen church money.
Bad Parenting:
Another woman who didn't know she was pregnant right up until a baby popped out of her.
Authorities sifted through 60 tons of garbage to find the body of a dumped newborn baby.
Mom arrested for shoplifting book entitled "101 Ways to Be a Great Mom" while with her two kids.
The family of a 14-year-old Afghan rape victim face prosecution, accused of removing her foetus using a razor without anaesthetic.
Celebrities:
Seven utterly retarded things celebrities actually said about the environment.
Henry Rollins writes a love letter to Ann Coulter.
Paris Hilton claims she's "only slept with a couple of men."
Sex:
Romanian woman ends up in the emergency room with a large can of hairspray stuck up her ass. But she refused to tell surgeons how the can came to be lodged in her rear even after a successful operation dislodged the canister. "This was not just a little can of deodorant, this was a massive can of hairspray," said one hospital worker. With awesome pic of X-Ray.
US Porn industry to ask Congress for a bailout too. [Larry] Flynt and "Girls Gone Wild" video series creator Joe Francis asked the newly convened 111th Congress "to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America" in a bailout move similar to the one set aside for US auto manufacturers.
An Australian man broke into three adult shops, had sex with blow up dolls and then dumped his plastic conquests in a nearby alley, local media reported Wednesday.
Drugs:
Anti-drug charity director and her two sons apparently ran 24-hour cocaine delivery service that worked as slick as a pizza delivery business. FTA: On one occasion, the 49-year-old went into a school to educate pupils about the danger of drugs the day after she had supplied cocaine to an undercover police officer.
Animals and Nature:
Cat wanders into TV studio, interrupts weather forecast.
Bizarre squid sex techniques revealed. A new investigation into the tangled sex lives of deep-sea squid has uncovered a range of bizarre mating techniques. The cephalopods' intimate encounters include cutting holes into their partners for sex, swapping genders, and deploying flesh-burrowing sperm.
Man climbs into zoo enclosure containing panda with history of aggression. What could go wrong?
Massive mysterious radio frequency boom detected by astronomers, and nobody can figure out what caused it.
After Toyota has put their Prius plant on hold and GM stopped construction of the Volt, Aptera has announced they're pushing back vehicle production dates of their 2e (pictured) to October 2009.
A gallery of transparent creatures on National Geographic.
The Environment:
Pelicans have been falling out of the sky in the thousands from Mexico to Oregon, even hundreds of miles inland, for no damn reason. Pelicans suffering from a mysterious malady are crashing into cars and boats, wandering along roadways and turning up dead by the hundreds across the West Coast, from southern Oregon to Baja California, Mexico, bird-rescue workers say.... "These birds are on the freeway, getting run over," said Jay Holcomb, executive director of the rescue center in San Pedro. "A bunch we've seen have been hit. They've been landing on yards five miles inland. When some of the people have captured them in parking lots, they just sit in the corner. They just go pick them up."
Sea ice at 1979 levels.
Seas literally frozen in British cold wave. inb4 snarky global warming joke in the comments.
Octopus shaped lightning UFO destroys wind turbine.
Mosquitoes apparently make love to music by beating their wings together in harmony, and somehow this means scientists may be able to beat diseases like dengue and malaria.
Love:
A Malaysian man is suing his ex-fiancee in an Islamic court after her father broke off their engagement via cellphone text messages, a report said Tuesday.
Man throws girlfriend off bridge to settle argument.
Public Nudity:
Man arrested for dancing naked in front of cops. Technically he wasn't completely naked; he had on nothing but a strategically placed sock.
Naked man arrested for walking about Wal-Mart looking for someone to fight with him in mixed Martial arts.
Sports:
Chinese speed skater banned for one year for giving a jeering crowd the finger.
Yachtsman gets rescued twice in under two days. Less than 36 hours after a dramatic rescue after capsizing in treacherous waters off Cape Horn, French round-the-world yachtsman Jean Le Cam had to be rescued again.
The Military:
The Department of Defense is working on a computer program that would pretend to be troops serving abroad during phone cals and video conferences with their family members, and for some reason people think this is a bad idea.
The US Army has apologised for mistakenly sending letters to 7000 families of soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan with the salutation "Dear John Doe".
And the usual WTFery that simply can't be categorized:
An eccentric loner died of thirst after becoming trapped in a bizarre and intricate network of tunnels that he had built himself out of garbage in his home.
The [British] Government is running a £500-a-journey "ghost bus", which never carries passengers, to prevent it from having to admit to closing rail services, it has emerged.
Six year old misses the bus, so he drove the family car to school instead.
Man who ran over a mobster's son ended up dumped in a vat of acid.
Macrumors' liveblogging coverage of Macworld 2009 gets pwned by 4channers.
The latest "study" reveals that exercise won't cure obesity. Fuck it, let's just all wait till liposuctions become super cheap and we can get them done every other month.
Student creates beer-flavored popcorn.
Cracked: Six classic movies that narrowly avoided disaster, and how.
Actual headline: Man shoots pond, vomits, feels better. Florida.
Current Location: at home, greater kailash one, new delhi
Current Mood: cranky
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