Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
- "Interview With Jesus", A Place for My Stuff (1981)

Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness? Name 6 ways we're better than chickens.
- "Abortion", Back in Town (1996)

"Happens to be." "He happens to be black." Like it's a fucking accident, you know. He happens to be black? Yes, he happens to be black. Ah, yes, yes, yes. He had two black parents? Oh, yes, that's right, two black parents. And they fucked? Oh, indeed they did. So where does the surprise part come in? I would think it would be more unusual if he just "happened" to be Scandinavian.
- "Minority Language", You Are All Diseased (1999)

Religion has actually conviced people that there's an invisible man. Living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day of your life. And he has a list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any, any, of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and ash and torture where he will send you to suffer and burn and scream and cry forever and ever until the end of time. ... But he loves you.
- "There Is No God", You Are All Diseased (1999)

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."
- "Parents of Honor Students", Complaints and Grievances (2001)