So I opened this entry page so that I could tell the world about how much I love my life. How much I love me as a person and the things I do for myself and my impact on other people. I wanted to make it free to the public, or at least friends only, but behind an lj cut, you know, because I wanted the world to know but I wasn't trying to seem lame or as if I'm just another low self esteemed bitch trying to make herself feel better.

I wanted to say how much I love my classes and how excited I am about school. About how everyone thinks I look alot better & how it really feels like everyone loves me, like the whole world is right on my side. About how in love I am with everything, but Caleb and I more so than other things. About how I'd like to walk around with a smile on my face greeting everyone I know. About how great it is to just be.

Then I got interrupted by a few phone calls, Liz M. came over with her friend Austin (a girl) and we talked for about ten minutes about various things. I like her visits, they're unexpected, friendly & short. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather hang out with her longer, but it's nice that she still makes the time to hang out with me even when it's short.

& Brian is too come over soon also, but that's not what I was getting to.

Caleb called.

----edited out so I could make this public, but it said bad things----


!!!!!:D. So, anyways, this further prooves that everything in my life is ending up so great. I really think that karma has just given me the biggest award ever, bnow I'm really starting to cry for other reasons. Earlier today I was listening to my Kanye CD and I just started crying. I don't even know what I was thinking, I think I was just thinking about how great it is that everything is really coming together, I don't even know. I really love Kanye West though. Literally. I've really been listening to the words & they are so fucking powerful, I really think I want to rap. about real shit, like Kanye. You can learn how to rap just like you learn anything, color & gender don't matter, the only reason it seems this way is because it has to do with the culture. All it is is poems. I just think this shit is so beautiful.

Like this shit makes me fucking get away to a whole other world. Like its not even like I'm not loving this world but it's just such real shit man, I can't explain it. I know it's not really that normal to get so emotional about rap but I mean a fucking good song is a good song. I love it when songs just fucking grab you buy your whole soul and take over. When you really lsiten and you get shivers. I'm not even really that into music, I don't get crazy in to music or a scene and jam like that. But this shit is so real to me.

I just want the whole fucking world to know that nothing could get me down at this point. not even Caleb or any other nigga trying to hold me down. Because sometimes the world is just so fucking beautiful that you have to cry. It's not even about the fact that life is gonna stop one day, its just so much. Man you don't even know. Like theres tears pouring down my face, but I'm smiling and I'm getting that feeling when I roll when I wish that I could smile bigger to fully express my emotions.

Like I just used to be so unhappy man. I used to be so fucked up. On the real. I went fucking insane because of drugs before I even got into high school. I fucking had cancer when I was a fucking little girl. I never had a fucking dad. There was so many times where I've wanted to just let go of everything. I used to cut, I used to be so destructive, I used to be so fucking destructive.

God I hope some people are reading this because I just think It's worth reading. If you want to read my journal at all then this is the entry to read because this is me, real. This is with out letting all the fucking petty shit get in my way. This is fucking pure. This is kelsie.

I wonder where the fuck Brian is. He's supposed to come over, god I so badly want to get my ring from Caleb. SO BAD. But it'll happen. It has to, oh please god. If not, That's fine because --edited out to make public--

I just wanna thank god and Karma and everything for this. I'm so comfortable with my life. My probably so much easier when I was younger, but I've been fucking depressed since I was really little. Maybe I was just dramatic, what the fuck ever. Even If this can't last too long (which I doubt. This isn't about what's going on, this is about my fram of mind) I'm just happy I can feel this way with out drugs.

I forgot to thank the most important person. Myself. I hated me for so long. I used to bawl into my mirror and just tell myself I hated myself. I'd cry so hard, I know that it seems like alot of people went through the whole cutting phase, it sure did become trendy, but I used to do that once for every tear I let fall. I hated that I let myself be weak. I stopped being able to cry eventually, and when Caleb taught me how again (Summer '03 sure was great) I would want to teach myself not to again. But I didn't-

I'm just happy. Overall. I wish I had someone to hug and I wish so bad that Caleb was The One for me but it seems now as if he's not(even if it's not true). And thats so sad but it's okay. Because I really deserve someone amazing who's mind and words fucking amaze me and just leave me in astonishment. I've thought other people were beautiful before. Maybe not as beautiful as I think he is but as we age things progress, ect. This may sound cocky, but in all honosty the man who marries me is gonna be really lucky. Caleb has stayed with me for this long because I ride or die, but he doesn't even realize half of how great I am to him. He really doesn't. I don't need that. I don't need games, I don't need drama.


(This is when I left to go hang out with brian. We had interesting conversation {mostly about Caleb})& By the way you won't really get that last paragraph to the full effect because of what I edited out.

Ps:Today, I had the art teacher that I was scared of because of when I had her freshman year for homeroom. When I went up to her desk to get my schedule, she asked if I had been in her class before. I told her that I was in her homerrom two years ago and she replied, "You look so great. That's what it is. You're beautiful".

I think I'm just fucking glowing.






I was gonna make this private, & then I was gonna make it So that the only people who could see it are the people on my friend's list who I don't know. But you know what? I'm gonna be real and just say it for everyone to read. & This is long but it says alot.