Ok, so I figure if I'm going to look at this from a self help perspective, I might as well do so in here as well, instead of just citing problems without any solutions.
First I'm going to do with my focus, inspiration, and self image.
Dealing with my focus/inspiration, we have to look at the different things that are going on in my life.
First off is school. I really have been letting everything else in my life get in the way of school...which leads me to believe that I am underestimating its value again.
Why am I in school? (brainstorm)
1.) My Folks: No one in my immediate family (and many of my extended relations that I know as well) have graduated from College. My best example and inspirations are my Aunt Sandy and Uncle Karl, who both have graduated from college. While they are not living perfect lives, they do a lot of things that I myself would love to do and attain. They travel often, visiting relatives, vacationing, etc. They have jobs that they enjoy (or at least they find fulfilling) and they have a large range of experiences from their past which they can relate and cherish. I would also like to get through college so that one day I can hear how proud my parents are of me, since it would be a surpassment of them, and words of encouragement are few and far between in my family.
2.) For the knowledge: College gives you knowledge, from class, to student interaction, to your environment and experiences which will ultimately determine who you become and what you do in your life. I myself have learned a great deal from both my peers and my teachers about both the subjects I've been taken as well as the life that is out there for me. That knowledge is so valuable for me to accomplish my goals and dreams.
3.) For a brighter future: College is a necessity nowadays. The piece of paper that is a degree seems so minor to everyone, but in truth it shows you toiled, you struggled, and you learned...and in doing so you have an advantage over those people who left high school for the harshness of a "real world" education. Earning my degree will be a major accomplishment for myself, for it truly will be proof of my intelligence and my capabilities.
4.) For Insight and Direction: Being in college is a way to find yourself and to find out where you are going. Classes, teachers, peers-they are all sources for information that I feel will be absorbed like a sponge...the more I'm here, the more I will gather and the better my life will be in the future.
Hmmm...maybe I have been looking at a lot of this wrong after all...
Alright...how about these responsibilities and duties?
1.) They teach me how to be an adult...how to take care of myself for when I am on my own and on my own two feet. When I get out of college its all up to me...As such, I have to do all the things that I have had done for me-cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, working, basic maintenance.
2.) Responsibilities and duties provide purpose and goals...the more things you accomplish, the more you feel useful and the more influence you feel you have. Uniqueness and remembrance comes from the responsibilities and duties you perform when it is supposed to be done, not from the remarkable things you think up in the process.
3.) Responsibilities and duties keep us modest and humble...we are who we are because we work and achieve, not because anything and everything is handed to us. I want to know at the end of my life that everything I gained and lived was because of actions that I did, not because it was given to me on a silver platter.
Relationships...well, that's another matter, but still something to brainstorm...
1.) Everything that has happened to me-the good, the bad, the terrible-is a part of life, and thus is a part of me. I value it all, because it made me who I am. As much as the rejections hurt, the break ups hurt, the loneliness sucked, it still makes me who I am and who I will become.
2.) All those experiences will help me with my next experiences...because I will repeat the good, avoid (hopefully) the bad. Knowing how to be, who to be, and what to be is so helpful, especially in the most awkward moments of life...;)
3.) Relationships have sentimental value, feelings, emotions, bonds...which even if they are broken are still existentant in memory. I still smile at the thought of watching a movie with my first girlfriend...or gym classes in high school with my second. The many events of my ex-fiance will always be there...both fond and horrid alike, to serve as reminder that life is here. And last of all, all the different things that Deanna reminded me of, of the steps that I had forgotten with Ashley.
Lastly, I suppose we should talk about me...the guy in the mirror.
My self image is my lowest point in my life. I don't think there is a single thing about myself that I am comfortable with, from the hair on top of my head to the abnormalities of my toes.
My hair doesn't do what I want it to, so I'm constantly worrying about what its doing and what I can do with it. My face is a constant concern, from worrying about zits, unibrows and my glasses, to wondering about how my facial hair should be (to shave or not to shave).
My body is slim, seemingly weak...wiry, without weight. I constantly wish for my metabolism to die a horrible death so that I can put on some weight and look like I won't blow away in the wind.
I could go into more private details, but I'll leave them to myself and the thoughts that haunt me.
I do have a lot of body hair, and I debate shaving it constantly...but I have reached a decision on that. The hair that I have will stay and continue to grow...and then, on my wedding night (much like a female with her cherry) I will lose that hair to the girl that will become my wife. (I will shave it myself...not them, that's just sick and wrong) That is, if she wants me to.
My toes...well, they are long and gapped and with practice can pinch and pick up things...which is very odd to me...which is why I'm somewhat hesitant about them.
I have become more comfortable since high school...but I still have frequent moments of paranoia, and I seem to have more issues when I'm single than with someone (maybe its cuz I'm with someone and they are giving me positive attention, who knows?)
I would like to get to a point where I look in the mirror and see someone that I can say is nice and pleasant looking, instead of a paranoid wreck. I don't think I will ever think myself a Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt, simply because that's not the truth...there's nothing "handsome" or "studly" about me, but we are who we are.
Well, that's about all I can say in this therapy session...accept that I kinda wish I had a better smile too...my teeth aren't exactly great for open mouthed smiling, so I avoid them...but that's fixable, right? Get a job with a good dental plan and I'm set.
I dunno, I guess I really don't need to worry about it...
That's all I got