|yes, this is public
August 21st, 2005 at 1:28am]
From here on i'll be open and public
but only with things i think people wont care about,
nobody reads this journal anyway.... thats the point anyways... i think
im just sorta gonna babble and ramble like i always do, im gonna be really
metaphorical and without focus ill just spill words out to this keyboard ok?
simple enough,here goes..
Summer was really dull, i was really excited for it cause no school and in school i had a
tight group of friends to talk to, but hey vthats highschool drama ya know, ya got friends
ya got it all, youre having fun then shit hits the fan and then youre back on the road
thats neverending looking for your own personal reason for living, then you realize you live for love,
and to love, and then theres the point of "wow, too good to be true" then jealousy kicks in, but
im not one to be jealous so thats doesnt really go for me, but anywho, just rambling, ok
so school is coming soon, im really apathetic as to what will happen this year, i really dont fucking care, hah, i dont even care who i havent seen since june, sorry if youre one of them, its just if i havent seen you since then, then you werent my friend to begin with so hey, cant complain..
the big deal is, who i wont be seeing when school starts, orr, who i never wanted to see again when school starts, and yea studio in september i dontthink i wanna go to school, ill just go record music, and whatever hits my way. and no, im not going to drop out, sounds like it but no...
ok now about music i write songs alone.. iwrite songs about personal shit, and stuff during the few days i get inspiration. i guess you can say im somewhat of an artist, and well you get the idea..
shit happens, i dunno why, but i never really listened to something corporate, i respected them as good musicians and such, but never really had the interest, but lately ive been feeling all emotional to listen to them, and the whole fact that cancer is getting around to everyone, and everyoens getting sick, and im sick of my feelings, and my personality... things have been geting me really sensitive, so i get these constant ramblings going on its fuckings stupid, and thats part of the drama, i mean ive always had my sensitive side, but i always kept it in and it kinda jsut gets stirred up in my blender and turns into anger and insomnia, but...... when i ramble and whatever i do, i get tired... its like if i just let go i have no worry, then im happy, sometimes too happy, then i get annoying, but yeah, i watched fight club enough times to realize that the whole intro matches my life almost too well, "when you have insomnia, nothing is real, everything is a copy of a copy.. of a copy.." and ya know what its so true, cause when youre up thinking really hard for a really lonnnnnng time, you realize the simple thngs you dont normally see, and you turn into some fucking psycho who figures outthe world and finally figures humans have no point of being here, "we are the all singing, all dancing, crap of the world"....... god, the further i go into this entry the more stupid i sound, huh.. thats what you think, but in my head its coming out pretty sound and calm, and honestly i have no idea what i was talking about 10 lines ago, i dont even know if i have ten lines of words, im jsut typing, rambling, mumbling to myself, words that may make sense when someone wants to listen and stop to thnk, "hey, maybe this guy actually knows what hes talking about" said the man behind the keyboard who remains anonymous, because not even himself knows who he really is....
Is he ?HAPPY? who knows, another "fabrication" to make it seem as if someone has no problems in their life, HAHA id like to see the day someone pulls that off, id shake whoever-they-are's hand and at that moment ill give them a nice handful of problems, wouldnt that make a terrible person like me "happy", i bet it would for a moment, in empty space,........................................... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . If youve read this far, you prolly really care about me or you really have nothing better to do, but rea the lowest things one person can say alone, THIS MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE, please take my hand, walk me to the entrance, call the police, have them cuff me, so you can have your way.... with a smurk on your face, cold sweat on your neck, heart beating hard, and a splintered baseball bat... its jsut what i need about this time, because everyone around me sorta wants me gone, cause once i come around i overstay my welcome... and the only way to get rid of me is to break my solid heart, and/or bash my skull in, id prefer to live surprisingly, cause all i live for is the next waking moment i may have to see wide open eyes and a nervous bite to the lip a sigh of unsure thoughts, a conversation through grins, silent whispers, and whatever else anyone can think of that may be clever and actually enjoyable to read..... i havent had one of those moments in a while tho so once again, doesnt pretain to me.... nothin usually does....... seems that way dont it. i should write a book, cause peopel love reading books about other people, but the other people cant be the author, so why not I, MYSELF, write a book trying to write about myself, and uhh itll work out good, cause im....... a complete loser, anyway new topic, unless you wanna know more about me.. not much to know, but i have an idea, Im gonna talk about myself and you be the judge as to if im telling the truth...
ok here goes, Im a loser, a complete dork.. i speak of empty theories that make slight sense, and i also come up with a ridiculous philosophy on life.. im a sucker sometimes, i fall for "dumb blonde" jokes and laugh at plain Dumb ones, i have a hardcore loud laugh that is very annoying and im embarassed everytime it comes out, Im 5 foot something, i have really light blue eyes, and unruly hair... an awkward body.. in the words of a friend im "stumpy" .... haha i guess thats a good explanation, I'm friendly, but many people hate me for that, gender doesnt matter to me, and to the world thats politically incorrect, You can never be "just friends" which is retarded, but one cant complain, ill just forget that idea i guess, nah i dont guess, i will forget... because like i said im a sucker, and a slave to whats right, a slave to politics if you wanna be a techinical asshole like me... I'm not greedy.... but i want a lot of shit.. that last line takes some thinking but it does make sense.... lets say, I want to be able to sleep whenever... thats nt being greedy cause I CAN NEVER SLEEP unless i breakdown and send all my worries out into text or words blowing in the wind for others to hear and have one more thing to HATE me for. oh yeah, did i mention i think everyone hates me, but i dont care, cause i know eventually theyll forget about me, and ill eventually be the one hating cause i cant stop thinking of how much that person hated me.. now tell me, is that rich or what?!. it is pretty rich, but im not, im a broke mother fucker, but i work my ass off when i dont have to, my job i can jsut stand around all day staring at a dirty unmopped floor, clean windexed windows and teller machines, and collect money like a bank robber.. but noo im a complication, im "the scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal, only if you could stop tonguing it".... I annoy my manager/boss, whatever you wanna call him, by asking him "what can i do?" maybe he thinks im saying "im bored" but im not... im one of the few people who work there that feel that i dont deserve my paycheck if i dont work... so i sweep, dust, windex windows, collect garbage and throw it away, basically, break my back for minimum wage.... sad....... but true..... Im not appreciated, im just here.... im the guy whos always around, and always there to talk to.... but nobody ever does.. its awesome, i get an occasional conversation sparked but then, as it starts its dead, once every other year i get a nice long convo about random shit, and after that its a mystery why im ignored.... heh, actually it doesnt take scooby doo to figure out why im ignored... just look at me adn read my description, its stamped "LOSER" oorrrrrrr "FUCKING MORON WITH STUPID HAIR" haha im good at this game...
well, i can go on forever but unfortunately im on someone elses computer, and im apparently not allowed to use it when hes around... "off limits"
well hope you enjoyed my shitty rambling..
one more quote
"i am jacks____" at this moment id like to have the reader fill that blank in for me anonymously if you want, i dont care... just describe what you think of my shitty life and relate it to some disease or disorder you think i may have... think of me as jack....