||[Feb. 4th, 2006|12:02 am]
n i c o l e
Basically, these two things are what it all comes down to..it's just taken me a while to finally realize and accept them: 1) NEVER let people take advantage of you and 2) Don't trust easily.|
I am SO SICK of breaking my ass for others only to be stepped on the very next second.
I'm sick of having to be the one to call, instead of being who's called (Mind you, I'm not talking about everyone. Some people do actually have the decency to call me first, but there are a select few, a few that I really thought cared about me which is why it hurts so much, that are never to ones to call me first). Anyhow, half the time I call these people, they're busy anyway. Why is it that I can make time in my life for them, but they can't do the same for me? And if you think this entry is about you, it probably is.
Why am I feeling like I'm no longer accepted? What did I do to deserve this? I hate feeling left out and I hate feeling like who I am is no longer good enough.
I hate that I feel as if I'm cast out because of the relationship I'm in. Why am I being punished for being happy? Shouldn't you, if you are my "friends", be happy for me?
I'm sick of being the only girl.
I'm sick of having obnoxious friends who only do it for attention and because of it, drive people away. Again, this isn't about EVERYONE of you.
I feel like I have no girlfriends anymore. I feel like there are only about three or four people I can really trust, and about one person I can depend on no matter what. Now, I'm not complaining about this person, because I am SO GRATEFUL for him. My only point is that I don't understand what happened to everything else. What happened to me that made people fall away from me?
I don't know. This week's been an emotional one, and tonight was one of the worst ever. It was supposed to be great. I was looking forward to it all week. Matt and I were going out to dinner for our 2-year anniversary. Except, it was nothing like I thought it would be. A HUGE factor that caused that was me. And I know it. I got sick real bad tonight. I made it to dinner, I thought of staying home, but I'd been so amped about it that I went. The minute I came home, I threw up. And I know I was in a bad mood because of that. After that ordeal, came the ridiculous/has-no-idea-what-he's-talking-about conversation from my dad, which pissed me off even more. A) It was so far off the map because of ridiculous assumptions and B) It was inappropriate and could've been held later on when Matt wasn't there. It also felt like Matt was really mellow; I blame myself for that too. I just really dislike myself tonight A LOT. I wish I didn't have the problems that I do.
And I really am SO SICK of people(again, not everyone). But seriously, fuck yourselves because I'm done being nice. I'm so sick of doing things for people and then when I ask for the SAME favor, they just can't bring themselves to do it; it's such a goddamn chore.
I really hate that it's come to this. I hate when this part of me if brought out because I like being optimistic, I like doing things for people. But I've been pushed too far.
I feel so helpless.