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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
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|Tuesday, December 31st, 2013|
My car was totaled on Friday the 13 by an off duty police officer driving drunk. 2 days later my girlfriend broke up with my over text message. Yes we're 24...and she's even a social worker. I don't want to lose her from my life, I can't let go of her, I was texting her about care of my fish, and she said she couldn't talk she was out with someone. It sent my mind spinning. I've been talking to a new girl but it's so hard to not compare everything because I did so many things and basically lived with my ex. I'm trying, I think I am, but I'm having such an emotional breakdown right now knowing I will spend another New Year's Eve alone, none of my "friends" available or inviting me to go out with them. I took klonopin hoping to relax and its not helping. I'm holed up in my room crying, exhausted, wondering what the hell to do. And reverting back to cutting as some kind of fucked up method of coping. I feel like a failure for gaining weight, losing friends, for seeing my ex in everything every day, for being upset, for not letting go, for feeling so completely broken, but going through moodswings of feeling strong. It's eating me alive. And I have nobody to explain this too. I'm really depressed feeling like I don't have the same things I did before. But also lost and confused, and I can't even really grasp it or explain it. I'm tired of spending nights alone, of spending holidays alone. And when everyone updates on fb how great of a time they are having with friends and significant others, it drives me insane. I want my ex to be as broken up as I am about this, I want to know she is as emotionally crippled by this as I am. For all the times she said sorry I still feel none of it was meant. I just hate to feel like I'm the only one left suffering. Yet I still want her.
|Sunday, September 29th, 2013|
My girlfriend and I broke up on Tuesday. I never knew I could hurt like this. I never knew I could share a connection with someone the way we shared a connection. I hate what everyone tells me cause it's all different. I know right now shes confused and stressed and depressed and anxious, all I wish is that I could help her. I've never cared for someone this way.
|Sunday, July 28th, 2013|
I'm tired of traveling, I just want to be home in my girlfriends arms again pronto.
|Monday, December 31st, 2012|
So the first half of 2012 started off just like any other year, overweight, gaining, depression, OCD, but April changed my life.
- 150lb weight loss
- Size 28+/3XL to 12-14/L
- Learned a lot more about myself than ever before and starting to feel more comfortable being me.
- Can go out in public without being embarrassed of my size
- Can go out to movies etc and fit in the seats
- Found positive, healthy communities of people
- Lifted some heavy heavy weights (265 deadlift as my max but gone down since losing so much more weight, 120lb clean and jerk, 90lb snatch), deadlifted some friends at parties
- 5 mud runs
- 2 5ks
- 10:21 mile
- Closer to a pull up
- RX 20" box jumps
- Double unders
Before my weightloss, I played an Easter service with all professional musicians where the year before, the trumpet player was Frank Kaderabek who was former principal trumpet of the Philly Orchestra, and one of the violinists plays with the Trans-Siberian Orchestra (which if you know me, I was obsessed for years).
So 2013....you have a lot to live up to.
But I want
- Unassisted pull ups
- 8:00 miles
- 120lb snatch
- 145lb clean and jerk
- 10 mile run/half marathon
- Super Spartan
- Another 40-50lb weight loss
- A significant other who appreciates me and the journey I've been on
|Friday, August 24th, 2012|
I now understand why my trainer lives by the rule "thou shalt not shit where thou eats". Ok, so she didn't say it like that, she said "I don't shit where I eat." And now I can understand it. Probably not the same reason, but still. Ugh I'm so stressed out right now. I hate feeling like the bad guy, and I hate feeling like my emotions are wrong, and I hate not knowing what I actually feel, or second guessing my feelings because I don't know if it is OCD or not. It's after midnight and I just got back from working out for a 2nd time today because I just keep feeling so damn guilty, and my stress level is on the rise. I don't know how things can be going right and I still feel depressed. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
|Thursday, August 23rd, 2012|
I passed my personal training exam. I can now just, grab clients, annnnd train them. Haha. Crazy. Degree in music annnnd I can train people, because I passed a test haha.
|Wednesday, July 25th, 2012|
-Doing better than the last post (for the most part)
-Completed Warrior Dash!
-Lost 72 pounds!
-Gym named me one of their success stories and had me write a testimonial and get a picture with my trainer to use for the website and newsletter.
-Got a part time job at a gym (to afford my own gym habit and my trainer during the summer when I have no income)
-Began taking a course to become a certified personal trainer
-Signed up for MORE mud runs!
I think it is safe to say it has been a little bit crazy the past 4 months.
|Sunday, June 24th, 2012|
My brain is getting the best of me again, summer can be a dangerous place after college with few friends and no job. Exercise and nutrition was helping me (and I also have been reading articles/stories about how eating paleo has greatly helped people with anxiety and depression), but I guess my medicine was helping me more than I thought. Or maybe I get caught in my own head too much, but I don't know how to fix it, and I'm not sure what I want. This is making much less sense than when I was thinking in my head.
March 27 I started with my "lifestyle change", others would call it a diet, April 2 I started at a gym, mid April I started with a personal trainer. I've lost 52 pounds, gained muscle, completed my first year of teaching, signed up for a mud run (looking at more). Why am I more depressed and anxious than I should be?
|Tuesday, August 2nd, 2011|
Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
|Sunday, July 10th, 2011|
Fortune cookie from the other night: It is not your character to give up.
Thank you fortune cookie.
|Friday, April 22nd, 2011|
I hate that I've never been this unsure in my life...
|Saturday, April 2nd, 2011|
I find that I want everyone to be as angry as I am at the people I am angry at. It stresses me out. I don't know how to fix that. Or my jealousy issues.
|Monday, March 28th, 2011|
It has been a while since I updated. I have been ok in terms of OCD. about 2 weeks ago I was able to walk into my living room for the first time in over a year. I have not walked through the front door yet but I am not sure why because I have not been feeling the anxieties. In a way it is good to be free from the feelings but in a way I also felt like it empowered me and defined me. i guess I am a little confused but wanted to share my "success".
|Monday, March 7th, 2011|
I am afraid right now
I don't wanna let you down
And I am the one who can't be saved
The only thing I say
I am afraid right now
What if I can't get out?
What if I don't want to be saved?
This is me afraid
|Wednesday, November 24th, 2010|
"Fighting for my Free Spirit..."
|Wednesday, November 17th, 2010|
Something in me tells me I can't do this...
Something tells me it's not what I want
I don't know what I want
I don't know if I'm making this up
|Tuesday, October 12th, 2010|
Why are these stupid little steps I've taken to a sort of "recovery" so big to everybody but me. I feel like nothing has happened. And I'm still just whatever.
|Monday, September 27th, 2010|
I'm having trouble getting to sleep again, but once I am asleep, I literally could sleep all day, and I've wasted a lot of my days doing so.
Lately, I cannot stop over-analyzing things and breaking down life into exactly what it is made of; who we are physically; just a bunch of muscles, and neurons, and cells, and all that stuff. But I can't see the big picture, I just see all of the small things clumped together and it doesn't seem good enough. Just like I never feel good enough.
I can't stop thinking, but at the same time, it's like I'm not feeling what I'm thinking and I am so confused. I'm not sure if I'm confused.
Who I feel like on the inside, doesn't match what I perceive myself to look like on the outside.
It really feels like I have to decide everything about who I am and what I'm going to do with my life RIGHT NOW, but when I talked to my history of jazz professor, it seemed so easy for him to tell me that he thinks it is crazy that we think we have to decide everything about our lives right now. People change, opportunities change, situations change...I just often times feel like I can't even handle what I know now, and I continue to plan for changes that may or may not even happen and it drives me insane.
|Sunday, August 15th, 2010|
Tonight I'll lie awake
I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
|Friday, August 6th, 2010|
**Holds breath...and crosses fingers**