||[Aug. 5th, 2006|07:40 pm]
She lied. She lied to me. The first person I had allowed myself to have feelings for, the fist woman I had dared myself to love after…Tara.
She lied to me and then went out of her way to forget all about me.
What did I ever do to her? Why is she acting like this? Has she learned *nothing* at all from my past? Doesn’t she know what horrible things grieve can do, I told her about what I did. About how I killed a man and then tried to destroy the world.
I suppose I should be kinda happy that she didn’t kill anyone. Yet. And at least she’s not trying to destroy the world.
Aside from, y’know…mine.
I guess it’s all that Karma business and stuff. I guess I should’ve learned from Angel and Faith and their big mistakes to mankind. How you can never kinda escape them no matter how hard you try to atone. No matter how hard you try to be all goody good and help those who need help.
Whether they kinda want it or not. I put a soul into Fred, I damned her for all eternity. I guess Kennedy pulling away from me and hurting me like this is my punishment for that. But I really didn’t have much of a choice with the way Connor was pushing.
What was I suppose to do? Let some witchy wanna be from Wolfram and Hart do it? Yeah, that’d be so not of the good. They probably end up with a bigger monster then she already was.
So, I lost a friend, two others kinda totally died, my girlfriend hates me for a reason I don’t know about and my best friend is in the hospital after my girlfriend beat the…psht out of her.
Dawnie is upset, Buffy’s still not much with the waking up and Giles is frantic and ready for, as he calls it, ‘bloody murder’.
God, he was so angry at me and then so sad and then all with the huggy and now he’s just worried, hovering near Buffy. Dawn and me have to like pry him away from the room just so others can come visit her.
I just want things to be back to normal. Y’know? I want Kennedy to love me again, and Buffy and me to be laughing over some Bollywood moving again, and-and eating lost of chocolate chip cookies with Dawn.
But that’s not gonna happen, and it’s all my fault.
Love. I’m totally done with it. No more for me. Nothing but a lie anyway and who needs love? You only end up with the hurt and totally alone. Might as well stay alone then. Right? Yeah.