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Essay 2: Behind the Facade   
11:25pm 26/11/2013
  Essay #2: Behind the FacadeCollapse )  
How do you solve a problem like fandom?   
06:24pm 28/10/2013
  So between making hot chocolate and long bus rides where I should be studying Japanese or some other such... I instead get deep thinky thoughts about fandom. Especially shows I once loved and now am wondering where they went wrong.

AKA. Lexi has unpopular fandom thoughts. And instead of posting this on tumblr where I will be ripped apart because HOW DARE I NOT WORSHIP AT THE CULT OF DOUCHEBAGGERY AND PRETTY BOYS, I'm writing it here. Where... all of one person will read it unless I link them to it.....

In a word, the problem is oversaturationCollapse )
07:35pm 19/04/2012
  Title: Endgame
Author: Flying Toe Shoes
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, drama
Pairing: Anatoly/Svetlana, Anatoly/Florence
Disclaimer: Still poor with medical bills, don't sue. Based off of characterizations and history from War Is Coming on Insanejournal. What happened in Bangkok via Svetlana. Pulled from another rendition of Deal No Deal for a later conversation.

Nothing you have said is revelation, take my blues as redsCollapse )
     Read 6 - Post
11:45pm 11/03/2012
  Title: I've Just Seen a Face
Author: Flying Toe Shoes
Rating: PG
Genre: General
Pairing: No actual pairing as it's the first meeting of Anatoly and Svetlana.
Disclaimer: So incredibly poor, it's not even funny. So don't sue, I own nothing. Based off of characterizations and history from War Is Coming on Insanejournal. Pre-Chess!

Had it been another day, I might have looked the other way, and I'd have never been aware but as it is I'll dream of her tonightCollapse )
     Read 6 - Post
02:07pm 23/01/2012
  Title: The Political Game
Author: Flying Toe Shoes
Rating: PG
Genre: General
Pairing: Just a random friendship that shouldn't work but does between Freddie and Svetlana
Disclaimer: I still own nothing. Based off of characterizations and history from War Is Coming on Insanejournal. Post-Chess! References Back Where We Started.

Everybody's playing the game, but nobody's rules are the sameCollapse )
07:20pm 24/11/2011
  Title: One Normal Night
Author: Flying Toe Shoes
Rating: PG
Genre: General
Pairing: Anatoly/Svetlana
Disclaimer: Ha, as if I own anything or have money. Based off of characterizations and history from War Is Coming on Insanejournal. Pre-Chess!

One normal night, that's all I want, that's all I need from youCollapse )
11:04pm 12/08/2011
  Title: Back Where We Started
Author: Flying Toe Shoes
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Drama/Angst
Pairing: Anatoly/Svetlana
Disclaimer: I own nothing and work minimum wage. Based off of characterizations and history from War Is Coming on Insanejournal. Chess in Concert canon.

When that crazy wheel slows down, where will you be? Back where you startedCollapse )
12:48pm 21/06/2010
  Go and buy! Or if not, pimp out as well. The money goes to helping an amazing person with medical bills.

Anime goods and wigs and fabric found HERE
06:57pm 10/05/2010
  What do I do
When opposing views both make sense
I don't know what's the best for me
I don't know anything right now
I'm sorry
I miss you
But is it you?
Or just the memory?

What do I trust
When everything is screaming at me
Everything is a lie
No one is to be trusted
There are a select few I trust
But it doesn't help
Because everything you say
Seems to be a lie
I want to believe you
Even if it means you were hurt
Because I don't want to think that you'd stoop so low
As to manipulate me

So what do I do?
Should I contact you?
Risk pain to both of us?
Even though it could be good for us?
Or do I pretend not to know
All the while knowing it's hurting us both?
Vampire Diaries one shot   
08:32pm 16/04/2010
  Title Untitled
Author: Flying Toe Shoes aka _will_i
Rating: PG
Category: General
Spoilers: Vague reference to 1x19 promo scenes
Warnings: None I can think of, let me know if I'm wrong
Show/Bookverse: Show
Summary: Stefan leaves Mystic Falls to 'protect' Elena, but what about Damon? Does he follow his brother for his personal amusement, or does something or one hold him there?

Probably a stand alone unless I get more comfortable with the charactersCollapse )
The Death of Dreams   
08:30am 23/02/2010
  She sits
Watching the world go by
All of her dreams died
Lost in the real world

She longs to run away
To escape responsibility
Focus on something else
Anything other than reality

The planes in the air
The trains on the tracks
Taking people to their dreams
All the while she sits
Shackled by expectations
Tied down
By the ones who were supposed to help her.
06:19pm 27/01/2010
  Who am I?Collapse )  
Marguerite St.Just Poem   
04:46pm 25/01/2010
  The double standard of life
Men who sleep around are players
Women whores
So I masked my life
All for him

Him who saw behind the actress' mask
Him who lit my heart ablaze
Him who I betrayed
All so he wouldn't think me a slut

And now he's changed
Grown cold and distant
So I too must be cold
I must be distant as I long for his arms
The greatest actress in all Europe
Funny how it's become my life

I long to be wild
I long to be free
Free of the restraints of society
Oh, it could be worse
I could live in a time far distant from now
Where women had few options
Be a wife and mother
Or be nothing but trash in society's eyes

But most of all
In the lonely nights
I long for his arms holding me
And the sweet whispers of our summer romance
Chaotic Silence   
10:19pm 03/09/2009
mood: overwhelmed
Scrambling and falling
Ever twisting and seeping away
What is real
What is false
Where are the screams for help

No one can hear her screams
For they're all in her head
No one can see the despair
Locked away behind a mask

Strong for others
It's all she knows
But what about herself?

'Let me out' her mind screams
'Save me from myself'
She can't ask for help
Her words come out in jumbled messes

They'd lock her away
If they knew
And that is just not an option
To lose her voice
To lose any sense she has
Sense of reality
Sense of any sort of human connection

So it's drowning in her thoughts
The uncertainties of her own mind
Screaming in silence
Not wanting to worry anyone
Because to utter a sound
Condemns her to another hell
09:05am 16/07/2009
  Tick tock tick tock
Hear the ticking of the clock
Sounds and words of yesterday
Reverberating all around
Old and new
It doesn't matter
Music won't drown it out

Breathing hitched
Skin crawling
Always in the summer
Get away
Leave me alone
Stay in the past
I think I'm going mad

Over and over
I hear the words
Words that anger
Words that break my heart
I just want to sleep
Shut up
Shut up
Shut up

Tick tock tick tock
Ever ticking is the clock
The madness grows
The memories ever present
Always in summer
It was always in the heat of summer
Cracked Pedestal   
07:37pm 09/05/2009
  The foundation on which I stand
Has always been crakced
The mars on my skin ever deepening

I'm no better or worse than anyone else
I'm just a girl trying to fix herself
Her heart, her mind
Trying to find truth
When all she sees are lies
With fragmented thoughts and memories
Worse than they ever were before

My heart and mind are at war
From one extreme to another
It's maddening

To do what I've always done
Means the foundation would shatter completely
But I've silenced my screams for so long
That they come out nonsensical

To fix the foundation though
Means I'm not there
For this is something I must do on my own
I've been spread too thin for too long
I don't even know which way is up
Even as the chipping happens faster and faster
Childhood Memories   
11:04am 27/04/2009
  She sits there
With her hair all up
Her make up all done
And she recalls a story

It's the story of a precocious girl
With wide blue eyes
A mess of blond hair
She wanted to save the whales
She would read up on sharks
Always questioning

Or how about the clock
And Mr.Mistoffelees
The days she'd hide and talk to him
All because she was mad at her friend

Childhood memories
Cute and innocent
And all someone else's memory
She knows they happened
But only because she's heard it repeatedly
Oh how many memories are from that or things in her own writing

Not all memories are from the words of others
Oh no
There's the moving green in the middle of the freeway
A goldfish named Josh
Safety in music

The tension
Mommy calling to say she wasn't coming home
Displacement and nothing stable

The coldness of the bathroom
Fear and uncertainty
The doorknob turning
Pain and fighting
Not knowing what or why
Never grasping

The first suicide attempt
The familiarity of saying she was fine
Just to keep from losing someone else
And always the safety of music

The memories she can recall
Without the aide of written or spoken word
The memories of her childhood
Lest likely to be spoken of
Well, maybe except Josh and music

There she sits once again
Smiling as she recalls a story
The story of a girl
Running to the shoe store
Knowing what she wants
And she knows it must have happened
She had heard the story countless times
So it must have

But the gentle turning of a music box
And real nostalgia returns
For she remembers on her own
For that was where she was safe
Self Sabotage   
10:02pm 19/04/2009
  Are we ever who we say we are
Are we ever who we want
Do we even know who we are?

I'm not as strong as I want to be
I'm not as strong as you need
Otherwise it would be so easy
Why can't it be that easy?
Other people have done it
So why can't I?

Self sabotage at it's finest
Falling into silence
Silence is safe
No it's not.
It's deafening and maddening

My mind is blank
It always does that when stressed
The proverbial 'deer caught in the headlights'
And it's not enough
Why should it be?
Perhaps that's why I'm alone in this

But I wish I could express myself
Explain why it's so hard

Don't worry, though
I'll always miss you
And I'll always feel guilty
Though I guess the guilt has always been a constant
Better to have an actual reason
As opposed to reflex with no reason at all

I know it's my fault
I accept that fact
After all...it should be so damn fucking easy
But if I can't explain the workings of my mind to myself
How can I explain it to someone else
Even when it matters the most?

The irony of life
I thought I was doing so well
But I'm just a coward
And it will never be the same
How just is that?
In trying to protect my heart
I sabotage myself
And just break it even more
10:44am 24/03/2009
  To each their own
If it doesn't affect me
Why should I judge
When it's obviously not my place to do so

Who truly means these words?
They're impressive, at least in theory
But what about practice?
Would they ring so true
If it were one of your own?

Your words betray you
Such judgments spoken so easily
It's fine to have an opinion
But when did opinion and judgment become one?
Where did I miss the memo?

Are there levels?
Levels where judgment is fine
What is okay to judge
Where is that line drawn?

What if its your own
No longer a nameless face
But your own flesh and blood
Would you accept that difference
Or shun them for not being what you perceive as 'normal'

Would you sell them down river
All for someone else?
To find happiness at last
Would you deny your family
If they would not approve?

Where do your words end
Where do your actions begin
Do you practice what you preach
Or are you another hypocrite?
THe Things Left Unsaid   
04:57pm 27/02/2009
  Over and over they play
The words that never got out
The things I wanted to say
The things I should have said
The things you said
The conversations that might have happened
Yet didn't from my fears or paranoia

They're poison
You're the poison
When did that happen?
When you were the one to go to...
How did it come to this?

I was a fool
A silly girl constantly seeking approval
Censor and lie to myself
All to avoid stepping on toes
Yet it still didn't work
What a silly girl I was

The words that were left unspoken
Screaming in my head
They're the poison
So let this be the cure