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selfless.

whatever you want. i'll give it to you. but you're gonna have to ask((me((

11/7/05 10:00 pm

i have a question:
why are penises so gross? they're like..spores. like fungi spores that mushrooms grow from. and they sit upon a pile of cow dung. ew. sporatic mushrooms. i'm grossing myself out.

10/16/05 05:04 pm

I attended a funeral today. Morelike a memorial service, actually. I woke up at 10, had french toast with Datura, who slept over, and got ready to walk down to the beach, where the service was going to be. And, again, sorry for falling asleep so early Datura, I really didn't feel well. Anyways, after showering and such, my mom, Billy [a close family friend] and I, walked through alley ways and on streets that Dennis, who's funeral we were going to, once lived and the streets that he'd grown up on. We had to rush there, me with the glass in my toe that has been stuck there for a week, and made it there promptly at 11, at the beach straight down from Paloma Drive.
My dad was standing there when we arrived, surrounded by friends of Dennis, of people that I hadn't seen since early childhood, but recognized and even remembered their names and memories of them. They all gasped at how much I'd grown, and made those hand gestures where they put their hands way down low, to signify how small I used to be, and then shot their hands up towards the sky, signifying how much I've grown. It was cute.
In the middle of everything, was a table with Dennis' ashes, his wallet that he carried around, and pictures of him, surrounded with flowers. We all sat and had a moment of silence, an extremely long moment, in which my mom and dad sat on either side of me, both of them crying. I tried not to cry, tried not to look at the flower pots that the flowers were in that Dennis made himself, trying not to believe that he really died. Then his brother got up and said a few words and my dad did also. They told stories of Dennis and their childhoods together and it was sweet. They both cried while doing so.
After a few others asked to stand up and say a few words, and did, my dad and Dennis' brother, along with a few other guys, took his ashes into the ocean, far, far out, and said a few words before scattering them about in the water. Then, the all paddled in and we went to a brunch thing, and my dad gave his friend a ride and not us so we had to walk all of the way there.. the food was pretty decent though..
After eating and hearing my dad and his friends talk about the crazy old days, my dad gave us a ride home and I immediately left to my aunts house. I needed to be around some real family because I was craving the comfort and closeness of family. Maybe because my parents were with me all day and that's so rare. Maybe..
My aunt and I talked about a lot of stuff.. one of the things religion.. and I asked her to clarify a few things for me, and just like everybody else, she couldn't really do so. After giving me some tupperware to give to my mom and an article about abstinance from my cousin amie [ha ha], she sent me on home, where I sat around and watched home videos of my grandparents.
Even though they died a while back, I've never missed anyone more. I honestly think about my grandparents everyday and when I make decisions and such, I think of what they would say about them. I honestly care about them so much and I just wish they were here so badly. But, seeing the videos where they're sitting on my uncles old couch singing "I'll Be Seeing You", "You're the Cream in my Coffee", "Button up your Overcoat", "The Best things in life are free", "Girl of my Dreams","Unforgetable",ect ect.. it just makes me feel so sentimental. Their old New Orleans charm, their sweet demeanor, everything they did.. and their love was so true.. it lasted for like 70 years, until they died, the way it should be. And I'll never forget them.
And... I'm so proud to have my grandma's name. Ludie. Everytime people call me by it, it brings so much feeling into me, it makes me feel like a part of her.. it has so much depth to it.
Well, that's my day. It has really made me think and made me feel like I was missing something.

10/15/05 08:55 pm - ive decid to name this livejournal "long-arms the 2nd"

brian forbis got me preggers and i gave birth to this livejournal.brian's nickname was long-arms on account of his long,long,chimp-like arms.i've named this blog long-arms the 2nd so that brian forbis's spirit will live on after he was brought down in the line of duty at the graphing calculator game testing center.

but now lets talk about me.yo.my name is ludie.first name kaela,last name whalen.yeah thats right.i eat rice cakes.i'm sorry if i ever forced you to watch drumline in the hopes of convincing you that nick cannon is a total hottie.i've grown up considerably and now consider him totally not hot.
i don't dig that whole organized religion hooey.i also don't dig labels but if you must label me please label me a hippy.maybe slash emo...maybe.
i love the whole world but i especially love GL.he used to sing songs about sex with the late BF.but yeah,GL is my knight in shining armor...or protective hockey garb,really.yes,he's quite the star on the ice with a puck.not only is he an athlete but he enjoys good,sophisticated cinema.woody allen is like his hero.

oops,i forgot we were supposed to be talking about me.i am politically involved despite my youth and republicans really get my blood boiling.they are so dumb.democrats are retarded too.in fact,fooey on capitalism!smart people like me realize that socialism is the only way to go.yeah,thats right,i am a darn commy.don't hate.

9/9/05 11:03 pm

i feel.. incredible.
i have accomplished %temporary% happiness.
i love.. laughing at inopportune moments.
.. having some really bad song choices on my ipod. and listening to them on a regular basis.
.. nerdcrushes [aka guys that i completely nerd and swoon over] - that make me smile for 3 hours after sitting behind them in class, just because they're too cool for life.
.. feelings more intense than nerdcrushes. but good ones.
.. not being depressed.
.. trying to ignore my dpdr but thinking about trying to fix it soon [if i can,if its possible].
.. suprises
the less i think about my problems, the less problems i have.
they just seem to be
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9/2/05 11:30 pm

thank you for believing me.



even if you wanted me, i wouldn't.

i cried so hard tonight. its been a while since that's happened. i feel a little better though, yet my stomach has lingering feelings of turning about, upset.

i've never felt something so..
real.
[yet i am in disbelief].

8/25/05 09:35 am

i'm questioning everything i can question, asking myself why i'm here and why we're here. and i don't crave friendship or material items and i don't know what i want anymore. i haven't seen most of my friends for a while now and the scary part is-- that i don't want to. will i ever? i don't know why.. i'm just going through a time where i want to be completely alone, but at the same time i'm missing something big. i remember every dream i've had this week, which is rare, and none of them are coming true like they usually do. things are changing and i don't know where to go. i want to get out of this town.

8/15/05 10:27 am

i've written paragraphs over and over and erased them again and again because i just can't seem to write an entry that describes how i feel without sounding like a completely mean person. so.. i've decided to make sure you all knew something that i really feel about you all

i really love every one of my friends soo much. i mean, so much. i'm offering all of nothing but unconditional love, as i've always offered, and even if you don't need me right now, even if you don't need to be reassured that someone's here for you, its always nice to hear. i am here for all of you no matter what. i'll never lie to you, i'll never talk badly about you, i'll be here for you to talk to, and whatever any of you becomes, i'll love you anyways.

and i don't expect anything in return.

8/10/05 11:28 pm

its getting harder to know that you do not know how i feel. i'm wishing i could tell you but knowing that i won't. how would you react? i wish i knew...

tonight was brilliant. i met some very cool people and saw the hottest person [ahem, datura, you know who i'm talking about and you're probably laughing right now].

i like malted milk balls. a lot. and chocolate with bubbles in it. and coffee crisp.

i officially don't know what to do with myself.

melrose, friday. that should be an adventure.

i've been staying up wayyy to late the past couple of days and i need some sleep.

i'm semi happy. but at the same time, i need a release. i have way too much anxiety problems. i'll further explain tomarrow.

8/1/05 07:25 pm

for a large portion of today, i craved saltly foods. all during my class periods, i sat feeling very ill to my stomach and having a sore throat [due to my weekend flu], and craving lemon juice with salt in it, salty chips and grapefruit smuthered in salt. what a very odd thing to crave.. so, when i got home i ran right to the store and bought salty chips and a grapefruit, after heating up lemon juice and drinking it with tons of salt. my craving is not nearly satisfied. its so very odd...
i met the lady who moved into my childhood house today, alex. i was in the neighborhood, with julianne. i knocked on the door and alex came out saying," why hello! kaela, right?" and she made me tell her a little about the house and things. she said that my mom told her i was an "anglophile" or something, which apparently means i'm obsessed with english culture,people,things..ect. um.. i wouldn't go as far as to say that but it was sort of funny that she thought so. we were conversing on the front porch and all of the sudden she goes, "you're tripping out on my accent, aren't you?" and laughed. i jut laughed. its like she thought i'd never seen a british person in my life. it was cute though. i really liked her and i plan to visit soon, as shes instructed me to do.
i have a feeling family life is about to get sort of.. different.

pleasant times with datura must come along soon. hang out with me.. tomarrow?

7/30/05 01:38 pm

i have butterflies in my chest. i wish i could cough them up so they would stop fluttering around. no, they're not heart palpatations, they're butterflies, and i don't like them.
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