"MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED"
...in being a royal fuck-up...
i've decided this is my senior year picture. i never had one taken. never got the yearbook, never went to prom, didn't bother to walk at graduation. i always hated yearbooks because you're supposed to have people sign them. not many people signed my yearbook. i tried to hide it from all the people i didn't like. which was most people. they were stupid, superficial, boring. there was always something wrong with anyone i met. except the boys. i had so many crushes. didn't really date much, though. all the boys i liked didn't seem to notice. most of my friends were boys. boys that had crushes on me that never told me but i knew and pretended not to notice because i wasn't interested but they made great friends. hung on every word i said. i loved being adored. still do.
after high school, one of the boys i'd had a crush on in high school told me he'd had a crush on me. i had no idea. he said he was afraid to tell me. that i was unapproachable. really i think i was just shy. proud? aloof? whatever. i named off a bunch of other boys he had been friends with that i'd had crushes on at some point. they'd all had crushes on me, too. how i'd suffered! so alone. and so needlessly. and have i learned from this? not hardly. i still find myself wrapped in a hundred teenage crushes that last for months and months and never go anywhere. my heart breaks a thousand times a day and no one ever notices.
school is almost over. finals next week. so much stress this quarter. over soon. two weeks' break. five classes to go. then what? already i've been trying to fill up my time off from school with "stuff" so i won't have to go through the shock of having so much time alone with my thoughts after being so busy.
i need to escape. leave the country for a while. i feel trapped. settled. i feel like i've become who i'm going to be and i'm just not ready for that. i don't even know who i am. i have a thousand lives yet to live. i want to be someone else. somewhere else. everyone, everywhere. there are so many things to do, places to go, things to see, to learn, thoughts that have not yet crossed my mind. i grow old, quietly in a small cottage in the middle of a colorful ghetto that's got character but it's smelly and dangerous. my potential wanes in the in this hell that slowly came to a boil and i didn't notice until it was too late. my skills atrophy with each day. skills? who am i kidding? i don't even have any hobbies. i know nothing about myself. i don't know what i like to do for fun, what kind of music i listen to, what my favorite movies are, or even my favorite color. i'd be useless in writing my own obituary. (even if i weren't dead.) i keep thinking that in the future, i'll figure out who i am. when? tomorrow? next year?
in high school, i thought i'd be dead by now. i wanted to be a shooting star. brilliant, streaking across the night sky for all to see, and suddenly disappearing. i wanted to be wildly successful, famous, an inspiration, and die before i watched myself fade. i'm the only person i've ever known that tossed pennies into the well at thunder mountain (disneyland) and wished to die young in a car accident. that wish never came true, and now i'm old, and i have to deal with it. my little sister wants to die. she is so young, she has so much potential, but she doesn't see that. i'm terrified she will grow old like me and have nothing to show for it because she never found her passion. where is my passion? how do i find it? is there a systematic research process for its discovery? will it find me? does it reveal itself when the time is right? does it come as an encoded message, a metaphor in a crumpled gum wrapper in the alley?
i'm really digging on the modelling hobby. it feels so wonderful to have my makeup all done up, to be transformed into someone else's vision. i get to be whoever they want me to be. and maybe i'll discover i like one of those people and that's who i'll become. regardless, it's exhausting and envigorating at the same time, which is an awesome feeling. being on this side of the fence has been nice for a change, but it's been renewing my passion for photography, which is a very good thing, but also a very expensive thing.
i got a digital slr, and those accessories you kind of need, like a drive to download the photos, and a bag to protect it, and a memory card, and a lens, and... *sigh* now i want a lighting kit so i can finally begin to understand that esoteric art that makes me love those people that really seem to get it. which reminds me, my "yearbook" photo was taken by marla rutherford, by far one of the most incredible photographers i've ever met. her stuff isn't the most flattering; i don't expect her to make me look like a flawless superstar like some other people seem to be capable of. but hot damn, woman creates whole worlds... the feeling you get from it... it's like you're spying on someone, getting a peek into their world when they aren't looking... she's gonna be an icon... if she chooses. and wow, she's gorgeous, friendly, energetic, wears fetishy stuffs, and doesn't have a crazy ego.
so lighting. yeah. i need to learn it. and the cool thing about digital, is the learning curve... i have learned as much in an hour... as i did in four years with my old camera. same camera, almost! just digital. and i get to see the stuff right away, which is exciting. and i don't even notice any less quality in the images. so yeah. technical stuff. gotta bite the bullet and learn that stuff. i was perusing one model place, and jeez, 99% of those "photographers" couldn't take a decent shot to save their life. i could put myself up there today, and generate at least as much interest as the worst 10% that do this professionally, or claim to so they look good, even if they only got $50 once five years ago to help with a kid's birthday party. but, whatever. i'll find people i can practice with. who knows? maybe i could even make a little extra money shooting kinky porn. show up in my latex, flirt a bit... ooh, and email cute boys and tell them i'm a "fetish photographer" so i can lure them back to my place and get them tied up and nekkid... lol, j/k. right now, i like to take pictures of just about anything and everything. i need to find out what i really really like and focus on getting really good at that. which means i need to get back to figuring out those little qualifiers, the composite of which might define who i am... *sigh*