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why hello [Apr. 25th, 2009|11:08 pm]
alex .
[Tags|]
[Current Location |room]
[mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]
[music |third eye blind - semi charmed life]

“Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.”
-The Wizard of Oz to The Tinman.

I am afraid of putting it into the wrong hands.
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(no subject) [Apr. 22nd, 2009|10:28 pm]
alex .
[mood |certainly not the best of]

Journals stimulate self absorption.

I hate this fucking journal. But the flip side to them is that they're recording your short and futile life.

I have to have my sleeping make me notice that something's seriously going on with me.. From when I was little and we didn't have a place to live and I got night terrors, wo when I would sleep walk when my parents separated, to when I had sleep paralyzation after my parents divorced.. to now, when I wake up in fight or flight mode, with my heart beating out of my chest. Andrew Jackson Jihad - People II The Reckoning

Nobody knows everything
We know this to be true
Everything is difficult
Except what's in front of you
But it's complicated even under your nose
Bullshit math equations
And your highs and your lows
And your manic depression
It comes and it goes
Your parasympathetic nervous system reacts
And you're in fight-or-flight mode


How's the world so small when the world is so large?
And what made the world, could I please speak to who's in charge?
Everything is real but it's also just as fake
From your daughter's birthday party to your grandmother's wake
And your bi-polar illness, it comes and it goes
You parasympathetic nervous system reacts
And you're in fight-or-flight mode
You're in fight-or-flight mode
You're in fight-or-flight mode

I've tried to know which words to sing so many times
And I've tried to know which chords to play
And I've tried to make it rhyme
And I've tried to find the key that all good songs are in
And I've tried to find the notes to make that great resounding din

But there's a bad man in everyone
No matter who we are
There's a rapist and a Nazi living in our tiny hearts
Child pornographers and cannibals, and politicians too
There's someone in your head waiting to fucking strangle you

So here's to you, Mrs. Robinson
People love you more, oh nevermind, oh nevermind
In fucking fact, Mrs. Robinson
The world won't care whether you live or die, live or die
In fucking fact, Mrs. Robinson,
They probably hate to see your stupid face, your stupid face
So here's to you, Mrs. Robinson,
You live in an unforgiving place.
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(no subject) [Jun. 2nd, 2005|10:51 pm]
alex .

what's new .

i read the book The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon and i liked it. It was simple and didnt make me depressed. it was a nice summer reading book. It's written by a man who had worked with autistic children and he writes this book in an autistic fifteen year olds point of view. I got too into it and I sort of think the way the book was written which is common... when one reads a book. I think to myself peoples mannerisms as if I'm writing a character study.


I'm seeing Bob Dylan & Willie Nelson the fifteenth ( first day of finals, ha)

Tomorrow night the boy and I are going to my brothers in brooklyn and we will get stoned and eat and go to sleep and maybe finish watching boogie nights because i believe my brother owns the dvd if im not mistaken because i'm not fastforwarding an hour of that film on demand because thats some tedious shit just because we got distracted and didnt finish it. I always pick the worst times , the high times to watch wonderful movies the boy hasnt seen. I'm an iiiiiiiiiiiddddddddddiooooooot wiiinndd, blowing through the buttons of our coatssssss, blowing through the letters that we wroteeee.....
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(no subject) [May. 20th, 2005|11:01 am]
alex .
[music |stina]

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."
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ericclaptonsondrelerchebenharperjoannanewsomtheshinsarcadefirenicojackjohnsonmoldypeachesspacebeard [May. 2nd, 2005|11:36 pm]
alex .
I wake up in the mornings of week days with hope that the day will bring something that can reassure me that everything will be alright . I try to sleep every bit I can in the mornings, when I can hardly fall asleep the nights before . I'm apparently very sensitive.. spending all of my time worrying about things that I don't have control over. I feel too deeply into these situations and it's hard for me to accept that some things are unchangeable. I just see people hurt every day around me . I see and hear people who like to hurt others, and ones that aren't even aware that they're doing it . It's all just ugliness. I can come home crying about some situation where someone was hurt . It fucking tears me up. Even when I relax now, without weed, time goes by too fast and I feel like I don't change enough. I miss the way sometimes you could notice the time, and so soon after, think times gone way by and it hasnt. And it's not because what youre doing is dull, but the opposite. I don't have time enough to conclude this or anything. I'll maybe make sense of it tomorrow. g'night then.
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(no subject) [Mar. 13th, 2005|08:02 pm]
alex .
link

(no subject) [Feb. 26th, 2005|01:42 pm]
alex .
Would toking up be a bad idea if you have a fever? and a slight cough and a head cold?
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(no subject) [Nov. 16th, 2004|01:46 pm]
alex .


jan saudek is talented

.

i'll probably have to drop out . i truely believe it's a waste for my not

to succeed, in my current issue, which is high school . How can you live by what

Mr. Whoever says when your deep seeded philosophy is of existentialism. &for you

stoners or ignoramuses.. we'll go over what that is, here is a well worded

definition.. a philosophy that emphasizes the uniqueness and

isolation of the individual experience in a hostile or indifferent

universe, regards human existence as unexplainable, and stresses

freedom of choice and responsibility for the consequences of one's acts.
a

school being responsible for me is ludicrous . i'm not this countries little

fucking science project . i've only just gotten used to being my mothers . i left

school early today though . had my 'emergency contact' sign me out . I would have

been on the verge of tears all day regardless . I'm bored of this . my eyes hurt

and sleep sounds fitting.
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(no subject) [Nov. 10th, 2004|08:16 pm]
alex .


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no clue why I'm writing in here. the blockage in my mind that made me never want to has ceased . at least for now . i don't remember how to write in here . as if someone you know is reading it- but it's really for yourself . i'm here to document thoughts . so . um.. i've been really happy . I express it to barely anyone . it's nice that way . I've gotten so tired of things . I can barely listen to my old friends voices anymore let alone their issues . Its expected though, why should the behavior ever change . I suppose this is just my way .. I like it too . I feel really free . I'm done with the hypocritical social dictator .. the follower .. the many followers of the follower . the last girl you'd ever think to be a socialite.. i wipe my hands clean . mmm happiness . I've been talking more to my brother and emily often and I have to go into brooklyn soon. some saturday after detention. emily says she wants us to cook together . they bought me a pipe from their honeymoon in jamaica . but I have to hide it from my mom . it apparently has 'jamaica' etched into it so I'm sure it'd be obvious who I got it from . they wouldve given it to me when they came over but I have to go there and get it so in case my mom finds it I can say I stole it . ah . i'm sick of looking at my current piece . fuck I can't understand why I get so sick of things so easily .. I think I feel a need to change because continuity is the worst aspect of life to me right now . in my youth at least. I don't think old age should be necessarily complex . i don't think people evolve in any ways i expect them to . i suck like that . not setting foot in slowdown or maninno's has definately helped me out . wow i'd rather get a tape recorder than type in here .

eh i worked at an organic store . bosses were old nazi german frau's . not worth it .. plus they all thought i was such an asshole . i can tell . heh everyone does . hey, what's more to do than shrug; i'm content .

saw wilco & had a bold time . not many of those in life . they played such an appropriate song for that night, sort of charming .
be not so fearful

Be not so nervous
Be not so frail
Someone watches you
You won't fail

Be not so nervous
Be not so frail
Be not so nervous
Be not so frail

Be not so sorry
For what you have done
You must forget them now
It's done

And when you wake up
You will find that you can run
Be not so sorry
For what you have done

Be not so fearful
Be not so pale
Someone watches you
You won't leave the rails

Be not so fearful
Be not so pale
Be not so fearful
Be not so pale

You must forget them now
It's done

And when you wake up
You will find that you can run
Be not so sorry
For what you have done

Be not so sorry
For what you have done

I stopped going to Dr. Fried. I think she drank before our sessions anyway . then again she always drank redbull, so probably not.. maybe the slur and lazy eye is natural .she's the second analyst Ive been to with a lazy eye . the other was an old tall jewish bald man . i forget his name . anyway with Fried [which she pronounces freid].. all we would talk about is education and freedom . she's so fucking rich . no more Princeton analysts for me . yeah so another thing I'm sick of ; Princeton . I miss Manhattan . theres no bad times there . or at least at joes . i can eat cocoa mix there .

I don't remember anything . alright heres the challenge . what have I done recently ---- got high with a bride&groom, a mexican, a guy named sheamus, and a kid with a tophat, in the Waldorf Astoria.
um I don't want to type the important memories. way too good for typing ..

do you ever want to keep everything you know and feel inside and not let anyone see ? take pleasure in having people underestimate you ? pity you ? I hope people do . I like to think that the people I hold in low regard and the people I, I guess, pity, are all faking me out . What great fun

um . I'm feeling a bit narcoleptic now .

postscript . i hate to fill this entry with lyrics where my own words could be . they're just too perfectly appropriate .
[rant concludes as she pops some melatonin, and .. most peacefully, passes out .]
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(no subject) [Apr. 13th, 2004|01:43 pm]
alex .
[music |heart spilt on the stairs]


I will let you down ,.


this is a celebration.
no more seeing renee .
i'm smiling .
joy for moving .
joy for my new room .
joy for reneeless weekdays .
I'm a take photos of my room t'night .
this'll be functional .
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