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Erica

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[05 Apr 2006|02:32pm]
so this year definatly has taken many twists and turns.

The event that recently taken place i know i wasnt a part of and yes i am not proud of stopping it, but if you want to hate me anyone whos stopping you? 

I lost a good friend and i guess i should be alot more upset but at the moment i am not mainly because i have more important things to deal with. like all the issues at home that i have been ignoring by never being around. 

My mom has been on heart medication for the past couple of monthes, but they recently found out she stops breathing in her sleep. and when she gets stressed her throat closes up and cant breathe. i mean again i should be more worried than i am because of the circumstances and surgeys she will be soon undergoing. i dont want to loose my mom and i dont think i will, but for some reason i dont want to be close to her etheir. 

and school is pretty much a lost cause. 

Lauren asked me out last night, i said yes. which maybe i shouldnt have done because of everything thats going on. i really like her. alot. but i just hope because of everything i dont isolate and lose her. 

May is just around the corner, and i look at everything that took place in the course of a year. and i was thinking maybe i should put this memior on hold for a hot second and work on a shorter piece based on how everything changed after i overdosed may 15th 2005. how one thing can still eat away at me and how i still wish i hadnt been saved. Dont get me wrong i am not a suicidal lets kill myself kind of person but i feel like i wasted life and that i shouldnt waste anymore of everyones time. the only problem with writing this piece is that there are too many secrects not ready to be told. and fear is my life, and im not sure the world is ready for the truths involved in this, but then again i cant write it without those truths. 

i will most likly write one raw version and one slightly modifyed for public viewing at this time.
::Digging your grave::

[15 Mar 2006|10:52pm]

Does anyone want to destroy things with me and then cry. because i dont know im just so fucked. and i dont know what to do. 

and on top of that. 

Dear You,

       This is a letter that you will never even read. not even a letter more like a secret. I love you. and you will never find out. not until the day i die.

                                                                    Sincerly, Erica

1 ::look so pretty:: | ::Digging your grave::

[10 Mar 2006|10:48pm]
So today i hung out with my favorite russian in the world liz. 

we went to prinction record exchange and walked around by palmer square. then came home and ate lasanga and listened to ani. i miss her ooo sooo much.

<333

Oh and everyone else kinda sucks at the moment 
and my LITTLE BABY SISTER has a boyfriend so i sent him a nice myspace message reading: Just a friendly warning message.

fuck with my little sisters heart, you die =]
get her in to drugs and drinking same as above.

as much as we fight with each other i still love her. sooo yea.

have a nice day =]


<33
Stephanies big sister Erica 

::Digging your grave::

[07 Mar 2006|07:36pm]
My hair is black yet again, and my extensions go in on sunday yeesss i miss having hair haha. 

and things are still exactly the same as when i last wrote which is shit. i think im dropping out of school next week. its not even worth it with how much im absent. i have no clue what im doing with my life anymore. whatever i dont give a fuck.


:x: name = Erica
:x: shoe size = 8 1/2
:x: hair color = at the moment black
:x: siblings = Yes.
LAST..
:x: movie you rented = uhhh i dont even know thas how long ago it was
:x: song you listened to: all hail the heartbreaker by the spill canvas
:x: song that was stuck in your head: probably something from rent 
:x: cd you bought = The rent soundtrack yes i realize im lame thanks
:x: cd you listened to = The used
:x: person that's called you = my mom haha
:x: movie you bought = rent hahaha

DO...
:x: you have a crush on someone? Yes.
:x: you wish you could live somewhere else? yes.
:x: you believe in online dating? no i havent since i was 13 thanks haha 
:x: others find you attractive? probably not
:x: you want more piercings? yes
:x: you like cleaning? No
:x: you like roller coasters? fuck yea
:x: you write in cursive or print? Print

FOR OR AGAINST...

:x: long distance relationships? been there done that and it has made my opinion against
:x: suicide? its your life if you want it to end no one should stop you
:x: killing people? depends on how who and all that fun stuff
:x: teenage smoking? For and not because im some sort of rebel but because i believe that you should make your own choices good or bad
:x: driving drunk? AGAINST. and never will that fucking change
:x: soap operas? for. haha.

HAVE YOU...
:x: ever cried over a girl?too many times
:x: ever cried over a boy? Not really haha
:x: ever lied to someone? Yes
:x: ever been in a fist fight? yeah
:x: ever been arrested? No.
:x: what shampoo do you use? whatever my mom buys
:x: shoes do you wear? adidas and converse
:x: are you scared of? to many things

NUMBER...
:x: of times I have been in love? once where it was for real but im not sure if it was more than that emotions are tricky to pin a name too
:x: of times I have had my heart broken? twice.
:x: of people I could trust my life with? no one not even me actually 
:x: of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? umm i have no clue
:x: of scars on my body? too many
:x: of things I regret? i regret alot of things but then again i dont

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
:x: funny? sometimes.
:x: friendly? on ocassion
:x: amusing? ive heard i am when im fucked up
:x: loveable? depends
:x: caring? I can be.
:x: sweet? maybe
:x: dorky? Yes.

FAVORITE...
:x: word: cunt
.
:x: actor/actress: i dont believe i have one
:x: band: i dont have one favorite anymore but i am forever in love with kittie
:x: candy: at the moment kit kat
:x: cartoon: dont have one
:x: cereal: EW
:x: chewing gum: winterfresh thanks to bart haha
:x: color(s): purple!
:x: color nail polish: I don't paint my nails
:x: day of week: Friday
:x: jewelry: braclets made out of chunky colorful beads
:X: song: i have many
:x: summer/winter: ...spring.
:x: trampolines or swimming pools: pools.

|| Friendship/Love ||
:x: Do you believe in love at first site?? no.
:x: Do you want children one day & if so, how many? let me just say this i am not the bitch to be getting pregnant with whoever i settle down with thats her deal 
:x: How old do you look? I don't know.
:x: How old do you act? anywhere between 5 and 25 depending at what time of day or the circumstances
:x: get embarrassed: Duh.

|| Finish the sentence: ||
:x: I Love: someone who will never love me
:x: I Miss: back in the day
:x: I need: to get a new job
:x: I Wish: things could be differnet 
:x: I Am: a human being
:x: I Want to Be: thin.
:x: I Would Never: turn out like my mother
:x: I'd Rather be: with you.
:x: I Am Tired of: everything
:x: I Will Always be: Erica
|| Have you ever.. ||
:x: Thought you were going to die: yes
:x: Told someone you loved them and lied: sadly yes

DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE GUM WITH YOU? No

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE A GOOD KISSER? Next time i kiss myself ill let you know kay?

WOULD YOU SEVER YOUR OWN PINKY FINGER WITH A KNIFE FOR 10 MILLION DOLLARS? No.

DO YOU THINK MIDGETS ARE CREEPY? some

WHAT IS YOUR DRUG OF CHOICE? haha idk

BIG TRUCKS, LUXURY CARS, MOTOR CYCLES, OR FAST CARS? how about one that moves!

WHAT KIND OF SUNGLASSES DO YOU WEAR? I don't 

HAVE YOU EVER ENGAGED IN ANAL SEX? No.

DOES YOUR LOCAL WATER TASTE GOOD? ew.

IF YOU HIT A 50 MILLION LOTTO, WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU WOULD BUY? an apartment 

IF YOU COULD LIVE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE? north jersey

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A FLAT TIRE? hahaha something along those lines

ARE YOU HUNGRY RIGHT NOW? no

WHAT IS/WAS YOUR FAVORITE SCHOOL LUNCH? pizza?

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST FOOD? pancakes

WHAT IS THE OLDEST ITEM IN YOUR HOUSE? my mom hahaha i really dont know

HAVE YOU EVER UNDERGONE SURGERY? no

WHEN YOU STUB YOUR TOE OR BUMP YOUR HEAD, WHAT DO YOU USUALLY SAY? fuck.

WHO IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PERSON AT WORK/SCHOOL? school, lets not go there but at work my boss

WOULD YOU RATHER SKY DIVE OR BUNGEE JUMP? Sky dive.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ARRESTED? Again, no.

HOW OFTEN DO YOU SHAVE? when its needed

WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE SMELL? skunk

HAVE YOU EVER FLUSHED A DECEASED PET DOWN THE TOILET? Fishes, yes.

WHO ARE BETTER DRIVERS, MEN OR WOMEN? gender does not determine a bad driver

ARE YOU SEXIST? against men lol

DO YOU FORWARD CHAIN EMAILS THAT CLAIM TO BE GOOD/BAD LUCK? No.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING THIS VERY SECOND? fuck her.

DO YOU SLOW DOWN AT CAR ACCIDENTS ATTEMPTING TO CATCH A GLIMPSE? yes =]

WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DOING OTHER THAN CHECKING YOUR MYSPACE? cleaning maybe?

HAVE YOU EVER HAD JURY DUTY? No.

DO YOU KNOW YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD? yes actually
::Digging your grave::

[06 Mar 2006|12:08am]
so today i had a very good converstaion with Chelsea someone i never thought would be serious was. and it was nice i have been misreble for quiet some time and havent really had someone to express it too. and although that doesnt fix anything it made me feel a little better.

Latley i dont even know whats going on. and like everything seemed to all of a sudden get so comlicated when for awhile everything was so utterly simple. i like simplicity. i reallyy do to an extent. like i am very in the moment with most of my life but the small things like where i buy my gas or what time i take mey break at work i seem to like to always be the same. weird huh?

And i cant stand girls. and i sit here and bitch about having no one like a little 13 year old wanting her first relationship but my problem ive come to realize is i find something wrong with everyone whos interested in me. its almost like i have a love/hate feeling about commitment. maybe im scared about being hurt yet again. because i dont think i could handle that. and you know who said this to me to begin with, Kareem, that boy gives me the best advice and i never take him seriously. he told me i look for flaws in everyone just so i have an excus to not get involved. 

And just to clarify for a moment. Im not jealous of a former friend trying to get down my exs pants. not in the least. they can have fun. what hurts me the most is that here is someone i used to talk to day and night and was i guess what you could call a best friend, then differences made that change. and now she is hitting on the one person who i gave everything to the one person who hurt me the most and she watched every second of the after math. AND this is someone who visted me in the hospital after my overdose because i was so upset about that break up and she has the nerve to go ahead and say fuck you? its not even like we talk or get in fights we just dont talk anymore. shes gone low before but this by far is the lowest blow i have ever recived

and lastley i feel like im sitting still while everything is moving and changing in front of my eyes and i try to reach out and talk to these familar faces and they are not the same. not one bit. not at all. everyone who i used to know is no longer there. i am in a world of strangers. and theres no way out.



and one of these days i will write my memior and one of these days people will put the pieces together and learn all the secrets i keep and it will all make sense one day.
1 ::look so pretty:: | ::Digging your grave::

[26 Feb 2006|09:46pm]
who wants to run away with me and start a new life?

seriously when im 18 i want to save up a bunch of money take a train somewhere and restart everything and never look back.
::Digging your grave::

[21 Feb 2006|12:45am]
I am empty.
for real.
its real cool how no one gives a fuck and dont even say you do because you know thats a lie.

and i was listening to this song and parts are just so wow like yea.

I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways
My bad habits would be gone in a matter of days
I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes

To a whole new world that had since been in disguise

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
to everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taken everything in me
just to forget your sweater so far


I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world
But your undecisive mind shows me that
you are "just another girl"

I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real
What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams
maybe then you'd know how I feel


But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
to everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taken everything in me
just to forget your sweater so far

I can honestly say
that I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
that cause my comatose to begin

I can honestly say
that I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
that cause my comatose to begin

I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyway
What's the point when my dreams are infected
with words you used to say
I will breathe in a moment
As long as I keep my distance
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door


So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about this constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well

I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
I guess that's how this one's gonna go I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
"All hail the heartbreaker"


::Digging your grave::

[18 Jan 2006|09:36pm]

So i had a jolt of insiration.

 

So I realize and have known for a long time that i am text book styl "Self Destructive" and you would think that because i know the reason i am misreble is for this very reason i would do something about it right? Well i crave experince. I crave to do everything and anything i can to make my life more exciting even if it ends up biting me in the ass. because my nightmare nis to be completly boring and have nothing to share about to people when i am old.

And this right here is the artist in me talking. I have always known i was passinate about art since grade school where i looked forward to Mrs. Mc Guffins art class in Cambridge elementry school, because art class was the only way i could express myself at the age where you are limited to creativity because youre "so young." And as i grew older that love for art never changed. around the time i hit my freshman year i loved everything about art. Writing in all forms, photgraphy, painting, drawing, you name it i was very into it whether i was good at it or not.

But back to my point I love all this experince one more line that wont make people close my life story when i put it on paper. and i may sound like the biggest drama queen in the world and that might be true.

In a way i love every flaw about me, every bad habbit i have. I love it because it keeps me busy, yet at the same time i truley hate myself because of these things.

And i dont care what anyone says Life is amazing. It really is. Now you may wonder "If life is so amazing why do you complain so much?" because the answer to that is, sometimes life can be too amazing and too action packed for my liking.

And im sure as your reading this your thinking that its ridiclous for a fifth year senior in high school to be writing this because im not so bright and i dont know anything. Well i do know alot. not the kind of things written in text books, or the things you take tests on, But i have experince and i have many opinion and if you get me started and actually listen you might realize that i do have a point.

 

 

1 ::look so pretty:: | ::Digging your grave::

[26 Aug 2005|02:18pm]
http://www.peta2.com/OUTTHERE/o-gobettygo.asp?c=st26

check out the new go betty go interview at peta2.com!
::Digging your grave::

[04 Aug 2005|05:24pm]

Ever had your heart played with?

i bet you have. i know i have.

i thought once would be the end of it i thought i could pick the peices up and start over but i guess everyones an asshole. they take your heart, give false hope and crush you.

i swear to god i feel like the stupist fuck on earth i really do.

and even with all the pain and hate going through my body right now i still talk like nothings wrong. like nothing even happened.

this is the post where i vent all its about time i take someones advice instead of ignoring it everytime she goes outta her way to calm me down. its time i let everyone fucking know whats going on.

 

i am not okay. im not. that hospital still haunts me every time i pass it on the way to the mall and such. i still want to use drugs i am not hapy with myself. i am fat and worthless. i am still not over her STILL after all she put me trough still. then i find someone who measures up someone i like well that didnt work once again i was fucked over. everything seems to go wrong latley i fail everything from entire grade levels to drivers tests. i fail everything. i have no clue if i will live past the age of twenty i dont know if i want to. i still wish i didnt tell my dad that night. i still cry particlly everyday because i have no other outlet. i have about one person i can even talk to and i dont like bothering her. i have no life. i dont. oh and when i say im fine im normally lying. i ahve no clue why i am writing this all down and it wont be friends only because what good will that do.

i miss old friends. i still hate nicole for everything. i never let go of things that should be forgotten. i still feel guilty about the week before may 15th. i still feel horrible everytime i think about it. my good intentions never do anything. i have no clue what to do with myself and why i even bother.

i want to run away. to weehawken and stay with rita. but i cant.

so ill settle for anywhere right about now.

 

im done for the now the pointn of this is

im hurting. and i have no clue what to do or where to go or who to talk to anymore.

</3

3 ::look so pretty:: s| ::Digging your grave::

[17 Jul 2005|12:14am]

hey bitches.

i have a car now woo hoo my 1988 toyota corolla its awsome i love it soo fucking much its my new baby. so watch out world in 15 fucking days ill be driving.

 

and what can make the day where i buy a car even better. well Laura asked me out today so better watch out she lives in old bridge and will be with me like whoa. shes amazing.

::Digging your grave::

[12 Jul 2005|09:44pm]

well things have been alright.

i dont really know what to right other than my emotions are about to burst.

 

20 days until i drive 21 days till i have 60 days.

 

<333

::Digging your grave::

[28 Jun 2005|08:16pm]

school ended today...hello boring summer.

i am happy to report that even with the craziness of this year i loved it. i am so glad i came to votech and met some of the most amazing people i will ever meet in my life.

i will miss school over the summer, for real.

 

::Digging your grave::

[21 Jun 2005|05:01pm]

i dont like vicky very much shes a nice girl but shes no karen...

idk things could be better. latley iv been having the flirty attitude to everyone with a vagina lmao

so yea banquet on thursday should be fun

 

i hate emoions please remove them

 

2 ::look so pretty:: s| ::Digging your grave::

[16 Jun 2005|09:48pm]

alot has happened. but i dont remeber most.

me and karen are friends i guess.

me and vicky are going out for all the wrong reasons.

drama drama drama.

yea.

 

::Digging your grave::

[31 May 2005|10:08pm]

"She's back on drugs again even though she knows it ain't right, she can't even call up her friends and say 'HELP ME SAVE MY LIFE'"

well me and karen talked last night i duno last night kinda felt good but its ot like i can hope for a god damned thing because nothing good happens to me. =/

im kinda sick of all the lectures im getting about what i did, i did drugs i liked it. well not really. whatever i already relapsed why go back honestly i need a break from cleanness.

i hate emotions i really do.

anyway i just feel like shit latley and i feel myswelf falling but i just ant to fall because if i dont reach bottom ill never learn. and also mr. lj between u and me i kinda wish i had suceeded at what i did to get myself in the hosital =/ shits too hard.

::Digging your grave::

[30 May 2005|08:53pm]

i have determined the sound of karens voice makes me violently angry. to the point where all i wanna do is pick a fight to yell at her and make her hurt like i hurt ethir that or punch her in the face.

i just dont get it why did she have to hurt me this bad =/

 

well i messed up this weekend and smoked. and did a lil drinking but very little like almost none existant. i saw kristin and hung out with her saterday and sunday i fucking love her and i like never see her =[ 

tara my sponser is mad at me and i dont think she wants to sponser me. i think i mite tell her its not working out and live life like i did before just for a lil bit ya know and see if i can controll myself this time

i miss her...

and i care so much

::Digging your grave::

[22 Dec 2004|04:05pm]
[ mood | sick ]

Friends only. Please comment to be added.

=] Thank you.

23 ::look so pretty:: s| ::Digging your grave::

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