Lately, things have been pretty good. They really have. I have the perfect job: a 9 to 5 (well... 8:30 to 4:30 but you know what I mean), with two AWESOME bosses, and decent pay. I know my job well, and I am so grateful to even be employed right now, especially in today's economy. On top of working full time, I am taking classes full time. My schedule is packed to the brim. I don't have time for anything or anyone. I barely have time for myself. And if you thought I was a bitch before... you'd really hate me now.
So I guess that's why the only social interaction with friends that I get is when they call me... but I'm sad to say that not many people even do that. In fact, Tasha is one of the only friends of mine that I've actually been able to spend time with, besides Joseph of course... but I live with him. The difference between her and everyone else is that she makes the time to call me, text me, and ask what I'm doing. And if not, she just makes sure I'm home and she comes over... regardless of what I'm doing. In the past week, she's watched me do loads of laundry; unpack from vacation, various other things. She even drove up to the Cape for a day to hang out and enjoy life! She's awesome and I'm glad that she's there for me. It's hard being a 21 year old "adult". You want to say screw everything and go to the beach or go out and party... but there's no possible way for you to do so without getting behind on your bills. I'm a pretty responsible kid I'd say. Yeah I did some crazy shit growing up... but am I hooked on drugs? No. Am I pregnant by a random guy with no support? No. Am I locked up? No. Quite the contrary, I'm a City employee at the age of 21 and I'm making a way for myself. Tasha is one of the few people in my life who can relate to this fast paced, adult lifestyle.. and she's a year younger than I am!
It's also hard to sit back and watch friends throw their own lives away. I guess they don't realize they're doing it. Why? I constantly wonder that. Is it because I grew up too fast? Am I cursed with an overabundance of common sense and is that why I think the way I think? I can't seem to agree with anything anyone has done in recent months. Things that are supposed to be happy, festive occasions just have turned into disasters in my mind. People who were once accepted, some that were very close to me, now have no place in my life whatsoever... and most of these people did not make that decision. I did. I made that decision because I've just been fed up with everything and everyone. Every little thing annoys me. It's odd... It's not that I think I'm better than everyone, and my decisions are superior, and my opinion is the only one that matters. It's just that... some of their decisions are common sense errors. Some of their decisions just SCREAM bad news, but they don't see it that way. It's the hardest thing in the world to watch people you care about go down that path, without screaming "YOU'RE CLEARLY MAKING A BAD CHOICE". And sometimes you do scream it. Not only do you scream it, but you scream it off of a mountaintop, for the whole world to hear. And it doesn't end pretty, because you can never stop a rant after one sentence. Your monologue continues with every little tiny thing that has pissed you off lately, and eventually, the whole bloody truth comes out and now, everyone hates you because you've spoken your mind. All truths, but truths that NO ONE ever wants to hear about themselves, or others. This has been happening to me my entire life. I'm beginning to think I have a "Foot in Mouth Phobia". I can never seem to just let things slide. I've always been the type of person to help people, even just acquaintances of mine, if they needed help. I give my advice, opinions, and sometimes my personal experience to anyone that asks for it. But what I should have been saying to myself this whole time... and I've come to realize it over the past few months, is "WHO THE HELL CARES?!" because it's not me! It's their problem, their decision, their LIFE. Why do I care so much about other people?! I have issues of my own! I don't need to be Dear Abby; I don't need to be on the other side of the confessional wall, listening to everyone’s faults and sins. I don't need to be the peanut gallery. And most of all, I'm NOT A THERAPIST.
What I've learned over the years, is that being a good friend is not just being a shoulder to lean on, and the all-knowing advice machine. In my opinion, being a good friend means that you have to master the art of timing your actions. You have to learn when it's time for silence, which I obviously lack the skill for. And then, there is the time when it's okay to speak your mind, which I clearly do too much of. And of course... there is the time when you should just let go and allow your friends to hurl themselves face first into a future filled with hurt and struggle... when there's something that SOMEONE could have done to prevent it! And don't forget the most important part of it all: when it's time to pick up the pieces of their shattered hearts, dreams, minds, lives and whatever else when it's all over.
With that said, I'm trying a new way of thinking. I'm trying to be more positive. I'm determined to master the art of silence, and I'm determined to forget the art of speaking my mind, even though it goes against everything I was brought up with, and everything I've stood for my entire life. To be honest, I just don't have the strength to bother. You tell someone how it is, they get upset, your friendship ends, they call you names on Facebook. Who needs that crap? Not I. Regardless, I always end up hurting someone's feelings, because my brain seems to lack the censor button. And then I'm accused of being a "bad friend". When in reality, I was trying to be a "good friend".
This is why I tell Joey, and others who inquire, that the reason I don't have a big huge group of people to hang out with at all times, is that it's too much of a pain in my ass! The fewer friends I have, the more time I get for myself. If I choose to use my personal time to spend time with you, I consider you someone very special. And that's not because I'm conceited, or because I don't care about people... because I do. It's just because I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off all week, and I really should be doing "me" things, not "you" things. This is also a curse, because on days like this... when I actually HAVE time to spend with someone, no one answers my texts and phonecalls! So I have now wasted two hours, sitting at home, trying to stay cool, alone. I accommodate too many, and push those that matter aside.
For example, I spent the past two years of my life helping a "friend" in need. I helped her start a business. I helped her get a job interning. I helped her plan her "wedding" as her "maid of honor" that I never agreed to be, especially because she technically already had one. I planned a beautiful surprise party to raise money to help her, and spent $800 of my own money just to see her and her fiancé have enough money to do something decent for their wedding. I did all of this because she said her future in-laws weren't going to help... and she bad mouthed them constantly at that. I helped her buy her wedding dress, which no one knew she bought... not even her in-laws and "maid of honor", and acted as her part time therapist. Not to mention, I barely charged her for her hair because she could barely afford to eat and feed her child, according to her. I've spent a ridiculous amount of money for her birthday, and got nothing for mine. And then one day, I spoke my mind and told her how I felt about her entire situation, and her future "husband". And now I'm referred to as a bad friend. A "fake" friend.
In conclusion, I give up. I can't be a one sided friend anymore, to anyone. I apologize that I care enough to say these things out loud, unlike others who just talk about people behind their backs but pretend everything is fine to their face. I'm also sick of immaturity, and people that don't have enough class to return my calls and texts. And I'm sick of being blamed for shit that I don't do, and have never done. I'm sick of defending myself in general.
This is it. My last public rant. So please, don't ask my opinion anymore.