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I basically hit rock bottom, i went into the crisis center on the 24th. It was probably the worst experience of my life. I walk in they make me get into these paper scrubs things basically SCREAMING that im crazy. They sat me in a room for hours and hours to where i started shaking getting so angry i was going to punch a hole through the wall. Then they brought me into a room in the crisis center which made me cry my eyes out even more it was nothing but a dirty bed a table and a camera in the corner. A guy named theo came into the room asked me some questions and we decided i would go into an outpatient program. My first appointment is on wednsday. I took a leave of absence from school for 90 days so i can get my mind straight and go back actually motivated and wanting to be there.

Pretty much what put me into the crisis center was everything building up so much to where my mom yelled at me for leavin a cup on the ledge and i started screaming then started balling in my room punching my wall then i left and just sat in my car on a side street in runnemede with no where to go no one to call and feeling completely hopeless not wanting to be alive. I eventually go home after my mom begging me to and her and i talk for a little in my room. She wanted us to go downstairs but i didnt want to, nor did i want to be alone. I didnt know what to do. I wanted to go to bed after going downstairs for a little and asked my mom to hold my pills because i didnt know what id do. So i slept and got up for school feeling like a truck hit me. I was there for 10 minutes before i started balling again not wanting to live so i decided i really needed to go to crisis. I came home, kelly came over and we drove to the crisis center.

Before all of this i was hanging out with an asshole pot dealer that played me non stop and just treated me like shit and used me. He was definitely not the reason for this breakdown just a little boost to get me there.

I hungout with ani recently and found out she was doing coke. I told her i thought she was disgusting and that she was not the same person i used to be friends with. I also said that i was never first on her list, there was always someone more important, stacey, paul, matt, kujo, kate, sharon...basically anyone. I told her to call me when she is a changed person.

Nicole is still in rehab a year ago we were in mexico and i wish i had her back. I miss her so much because i know that she is a true friend unlike everyone else, and shes beeen in crisis many times so i know she could help me out and understand but shes not around.

I dont talk to anyone anymore really, i need a job while im on my leave of absence and during school or else ill go back to where i was partying all night sleeping all day and over again.

You need to hit rock bottom before you start the climb, hopefully ill get there.
Im so fucking sick and tired of being treated like a whore. I put myself into these situations but its always in the hope of something more. Every guy ive ever dated, talked to, have been friends with have all tried to have sex with me and im so tired of it. Do i have a fucking sign on me that says fuck me? Exs are always tryna talk to me to fuck and i dont understand it, why cant people just put emotions and love first and sex second. Ill be waiting a long fucking time for that to happen.

Feb. 15th, 2010

im in that mood where you just want to scream. Im in a relationship i really dont want to be in and i dont know how to get out, or if its what i 100% want. all i know is that im not happy like how i should be when youre "in love". i feel like kissing him or having sex is a chore and it should never be that way. i love him as a person but im not in love with him, he has everything i want in how to be treated but in who he is is not what i want. I need mental stimulation at all times and he doesnt give me that. Im never interested in what he has to say and he doesnt engage in what i say. Its been 7 months and 2 break ups that i did both and now i feel like 3rd times enough, i just hate when i get lonely and go back even though i know its not what i want or am looking for. I really want a girlfriend right now, like baddd. I miss being with girls so bad but i feel like there are none out there. Idk i know what i have to do i feel like shit about it though, fml

Jan. 12th, 2010

I feel like i should update this, Holidays were okay, evan i were together until christmas day but we're talking again. Still in school but realllllly getting tired of all the bitches and drama every fucking day. I had a job at things remembered but seasons over and so is my job. My aunt and cousin have been living here for about a week and they are driving me insane, i want my house back. Katlynns also been staying with me though she doesnt bother anyone cause she just sleeps goes to work and occasionally we go out, i just hate waking that girl up its such a pain in the ass. My new years resolution is to not be around any negative people, only people that are good for my mental health, its been working pretty well though i cant get away from it at school. Ive just been doing my own thing, im no longer on anti-depressants which i think im better off without them, i was fucking insane on them but i was also insane before them so idk lol. I suppose thats it, hope everyone is well.
I recently started cosmetology school and thats been monday through friday 9 to 4 so by the time i get home i just lay around all night and smoke with my parents haha. Ive been with the same boy for 3 months and i loveee him =)

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lifes pretty awesome right now

So whats been going on in the past, forever.

I no longer drink every night or even close to it. I think i was in just a shitty place and didnt know how to deal besides drink but as of right now things are pretty perfect.

I am on antidepressants now and they are helping a lot, the first week i took them i was in such a weird over happy mood and didnt sleep compared to sleeping all the time but now im more chill. I definitely need something for my anxiety though, im realizing more and more things that make me feel super un-easy that used to never bother me that i loved before, for example roller coasters. I went to wildwood for 2 days with my aunt and cousin and we went on rides and such and i kept getting this horrible un-easy feeling while going on all of them.

I have a job now, working security for the susquehanna bank center concerts. I went to west virginia to a festival called "all good" and it was basically a huge hippie fest. I tripped on shrooms for the first time and ate weed rice crispy treats the day before. I never saw so many dreads in my life and so many hot ass girls/boys. But yeah shrooms are pretty amazing hahaa i was listening to kings of leon alone in my tent completely content after my adventures of walking around and seeing flashy lights and glowsticks and music.

I still need another job cause after this paycheck there is like 2 shows i can work and thats definitely not enough.

I have a boyfriend now. After 3 fuck and chucks and or fuck buddys im finally in a relationship. Fucked up thing about it is i met him off a dating/find someone to fuck website lol. But i waited to have sex with him until we were dating which is awesome. Hes 20 and lives about 45 minutes away in fort washington PA but he drives so its awesome. Hes a mechanic, has tattoos, skinny as fuck, almost the same height as me and is super fucking sweet. I love sleeping next to him most nights and cuddling and such. He always says the right things and kisses me all the time. Im falling fast and im okay with it.

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im looking up AA meetings and im sick to my stomach, i cant believe i really let myself fall this far down...

id appreciate no hate mail of how shitty a person i am

Jun. 2nd, 2009

I did a goth type photoshoot a few weeks ago with my friend amanda, it was really fun i think they turned out super cute =)
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May. 26th, 2009

so im crying right now for the first time in a while. Ani just called me and was bitchin about everything and talking about how important kujo is to her and how she cant lose him as a friend and she always talks about how kates her best friend and they hangout like everyday and all this other shit and i feel so fucking alone its ridiculous. the only people i talk to are my ex boyfriends who are trying to fuck me and other dudes that are trying to fuck me. my other best friend is in rehab and ive been trying to get in contact with her mom to meet up for a long ass time now and i wanna find out if i can write her or go to see her but her mom never gets back to me. I have no one anymore, yeah there a few people i hangout with on occasion but no one to call and talk to when i need them, no one to hangout with most days, no one at all

my life consists of going online, talking to a million dudes/girls, going out getting high or drunk, going to the club getting drunk or finding random places to go to until 6am
I got a new tattoo a few days ago. It was a random 230 in the morning tattoo at my friends shop. I decided on getting my Buddha Ive been wanting on my foot. The pain sucked sooo bad it was kind of ridiculous, and it was also my first time being tattooed by a male. I cant really compare women vs men artists because different spots hurt worse, the only thing i didn't like about the male artist was he yelled at me for whining which i thought i did really well with considering the pain. After he finished the outline though he said i was a trooper. I twitched a lot which isn't good especially while getting tattooed. Im going back in about a week to get the color =). I have a tattoo on my upper thigh, upper back, and my sternum and the foot definitely hurt the most but it wasn't anything unbearable.

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We're not falling in love we're falling apart

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March 2010


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