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i'm counting UFOs, i'm signa them with my lighter. [25 Apr 2009|04:50am]
so my dad is in the hospital. his blood pressure dropped to 65/30 which is really low. the doctors think he may have had a stroke. its scary because my dad's dad died at the age of like 50 and my dad is 43 and doesn't live a very healthy life. i can't go home to see him at all until maybe the summer (2nd week of may) but then i'm not sure because i'm working full time over summer up here.

sad shit yo.

its sad when i forget what makes me happy. i'm happy throughout the day almost ever day, but i haven't been really happy in such a long time. part of the reason is because of my antidepressants and the other part is because i don't feel like i where i should be. life's too confusing.

i miss my friends from oxford. :-/

i've felt really unloved for a long time. unloved in the fact of my "relationship" that's not really a relationship. my friends abandoning me because i got arrested. and because people can't really love you unless you love yourself. I don't love myself and the medication doesn't help that at all.

its 5 in the morning and i should go to bed. i have another long day tomorrow. its sad that its easier for me to sleep during the week when i have school.

i just want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be alright, things will get better, and its obvious that i'm trying my hardest. instead i get criticized about everything i do.


i'm really getting into a weird playlist of music:
jack johnson
incubus
lil wayne (thanks to work)
matisyahu
everclear
4 comments|post comment

No, I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now. [04 Apr 2009|08:26pm]
depression is a tricky thing to deal with. for no reason at all i just feel like the worst human ever. I have no self confidence and i think everyone hates me. There is no real reason for me thinking that, but i still do. My antidepressants aren't working, so i have no idea what i need to do anymore.

I've been trying to talk to justin about it, but he's right. I'm stressing out over dumb shit, and i need to learn to control my temperament. its hard when you feel like you're stuck on a boat thats slowly sinking and there is nothing and no one to help you. I've lost all motivation to leave my bed, let a lot want to go hang out with people.

I feel like shit all the time because i can't help being depressed, i've tried. and justin tries sooo hard to make me happy, and he gets frustrated with me because "i'm so hard on myself" whatever, you need to be hard in order to get shit done.

my job is kinda shitty but mostly because i work 10 p.m to 5 a.m and my manager is a huge dick head.
but i'll live.


i really havent talked to anyone but justin in over a month. its nice being able to hang out with someone and never get tired of them, but at the same time. I need friends. but i guess thats the price you pay when you get arrested. no one wants to talk to you anymore. once again, i'll live.

dear you,
I'm jealous of you. not for who you are, but because you have taken everything that i ever wanted and make it your idea. you are a horrible selfish person. Think of someone else, please.

i do have good things going on in my life. i got 6 months non reporting probation, i have a job and an apartment to live in next year. Me and justin are on great terms, and my family have been super cool with helping me and justin out over this arrest thing.


i guess i just need to get on more antidepressants.. better ones... i just hate taking the pills they make me not being able to think, they make me sleepy, they make me hate myself.
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[23 Apr 2008|02:18am]
ATTENTION:

if you ever want me to contact you in any way.... you need to give me your number.


i got a new phone, but no numbers :(


its your choice.
11 comments|post comment

[20 Apr 2008|06:57pm]
happy holiday.

i'm sober.

drug test wednesday
yay


i hate niacin


life is wonderful.


DON'T TEXT ME. I MAY HAVE SLAMMED MY PHONE INTO A WALL AND BROKE MY FRONT SCREEN.
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[20 Mar 2008|11:34am]
I hate how people insist on using other people all the time. Feelings get hurt when people get used, and i hate always being the person who gets hurt. I'll live. I have gotten smarter over the years, so i actually saw this one coming.

Central makes me happy. I just realized that i'm 100% comfortable with my two roommates for next year, so its going to be goood.

i need people to come visit. soon i'll have an extra bed. (over till summer) but hey come over!!!


i really can't wait for summer. i'm working 3 jobs, and going to go to school. YAY..


friends are retarded. when you need them they have shit to do, and when you are busy they always expect you to come to their call. its gay...



i want a tattoo
1 comment|post comment

[12 Feb 2008|02:04pm]
This past few months have been fucking insane. I have had a lot drama, a lot of homework, a lot of bills, but i also realized a shit ton about people who are now friends, and people who i thought were friends.

So last weekend was intense. Things happened that i'm not sure about. but i loved it. lol. shit happened that i hated, but its done with and over with. and i got to see nate, which made me super happy.


school is fine. i have no problems, i just get stressed out to easily because of money. I need to pay for everything and do everything myself, but its fucking hard as shit. (i know most of you guys know what its like to pay for school, gas, insurance, cell phone bill, and loan payment, every single month.)


i'm seriously getting sick and tired of all these fucking ignorant assholes, who have no idea whats its like to struggle and not have everything handed to you. i'm sorry that your parents feel like the need to spoil you, but that just means you have no real like experience, and you will be horribly shocked when they finally stop giving you fucking money all the time.
try working for once? please


i've been in a really really good mood since saturday.



i love my friends from up here. they are the nicest people i know.


i miss my friends from Oxford.

i don't miss assholes,bitches, cunts, hoes, and douchebags.
9 comments|post comment

[25 Jan 2008|02:58am]
life is never what it seems.




i just wanna be loved, without being used. is that so hard to ask?
2 comments|post comment

cause i'm super bored and i can't check out yet-- stolen from caitlin-- [12 Dec 2007|02:25pm]
MY 2007 AWARDS

1) DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR
A. Central - josh, nick, pete, justin, steve.
B. Home - lisa, nick roop, justin clasman, justin law

2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend)
Kelly, Nicki

3) NEWCOMER AWARD - COOLEST NEWEST FRIEND?
I have a lot of new friends, and they are all different in their own way.
A. Hippie Friend - Justin/ Chris
B. Gangster Friend - Big Josh
C. Stoner Friend - Steve
D. Most likely to light me on fire - Pete or Josh
E. Convict - Kyle, lol
F. Strangest - Sean
G. Frat boy Friend - Randy

3) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR?
New Friends at college

4) LOW POINT OF THE YEAR?
leaving all my friends :[

5) BEST HOLIDAY?
July 3rd!! (my birthday)

6) YOUR SONG FOR 2007
i have so many songs with different people:
A. Steve - feliz navidad.
B. Lisa - Party like a Rockstar, Juggalo Homies, Fabolous - make me better, Afroman, there's an ice box where my heart use to be, and a lot more.</b>
C. Justin Law - "its me smitches"
D. Sean - three little pigs, who dat is?
E. Pete - blueberry yumyum
F. Tyler - I wish you were born a girl

7) MOVIE FOR 2007?
SUPER BAD, SUPER BAD, SUPER BAD, SUPER BAD.

10) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH?
Myke? i think myke

11) BEST RELATIONSHIP?
the one i'm in right now

12) WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN?
a "hoe"

13) RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR?
tidbits, or the muncherie

14) KISS OF THE YEAR?
the last one i got.

15) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR?
living arrangements for next year,

16) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR?
Central. house with pete, justin, and josh. smoke weed, drink, smoke more weed, and have a 4.0

17) MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK?
donuts in the parking lot. lighting cigs the wrong way, getting nose cancer.

18) TV SHOW OF THE YEAR?
heros, house,

19) MOST LOYAL FRIEND?
oxford - justin law
central - steve

20) BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR?
college, GUYS ACTUALLY FUCKING LIKE ME NOW

21) BIGGEST douchbag AWARD?
tony cencullo is a fucking tool

22) NEW YEAR RESOLUTION?
quit smoking cigs, make money, lose weight
1 comment|post comment

cause i'm super bored and i can't check out yet-- stolen from caitlin-- [12 Dec 2007|02:25pm]
MY 2007 AWARDS

1) DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR
A. Central - josh, nick, pete, justin, steve.
B. Home - lisa, nick roop, justin clasman, justin law

2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend)
Kelly, Nicki

3) NEWCOMER AWARD - COOLEST NEWEST FRIEND?
I have a lot of new friends, and they are all different in their own way.
A. Hippie Friend - Justin/ Chris
B. Gangster Friend - Big Josh
C. Stoner Friend - Steve
D. Most likely to light me on fire - Pete or Josh
E. Convict - Kyle, lol
F. Strangest - Sean
G. Frat boy Friend - Randy

3) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR?
New Friends at college

4) LOW POINT OF THE YEAR?
leaving all my friends :[

5) BEST HOLIDAY?
July 3rd!! (my birthday)

6) YOUR SONG FOR 2007
i have so many songs with different people:
A. Steve - feliz navidad.
B. Lisa - Party like a Rockstar, Juggalo Homies, Fabolous - make me better, Afroman, there's an ice box where my heart use to be, and a lot more.

C. Justin Law - "its me smitches"
D. Sean - three little pigs, who dat is?
E. Pete - blueberry yumyum
F. Tyler - I wish you were born a girl

7) MOVIE FOR 2007?
SUPER BAD, SUPER BAD, SUPER BAD, SUPER BAD.

10) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH?
Myke? i think myke

11) BEST RELATIONSHIP?
the one i'm in right now

12) WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN?
a "hoe"

13) RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR?
tidbits, or the muncherie

14) KISS OF THE YEAR?
the last one i got.

15) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR?
living arrangements for next year,

16) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR?
Central. house with pete, justin, and josh. smoke weed, drink, smoke more weed, and have a 4.0

17) MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK?
donuts in the parking lot. lighting cigs the wrong way, getting nose cancer.

18) TV SHOW OF THE YEAR?
heros, house,

19) MOST LOYAL FRIEND?
oxford - justin law
central - steve

20) BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR?
college, GUYS ACTUALLY FUCKING LIKE ME NOW

21) BIGGEST douchbag AWARD?
tony cencullo is a fucking tool

22) NEW YEAR RESOLUTION?
quit smoking cigs, make money, lose weight
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cause i'm super bored and i can't check out yet-- stolen from caitlin-- [12 Dec 2007|02:25pm]
MY 2007 AWARDS

1) DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR
Becca at school and CP when Im at home

2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend)
Amy and Jess

3) NEWCOMER AWARD - COOLEST NEWEST FRIEND?
I dont know.. I've made so many :]

3) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR?
college

4) LOW POINT OF THE YEAR?
leaving all my friends :[

5) BEST HOLIDAY?
Im sure Christmas will be

6) YOUR SONG FOR 2007
hm... well our class song was "here's to the night"

7) MOVIE FOR 2007?
I dunno, there were alot of good ones

10) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH?
Tony

11) BEST RELATIONSHIP?
Tony, probably... I havent had any other real relationships this year

12) WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN?
a kitty... kind of haha I basically wore regular clothes and cat ears

13) RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR?
CJ's

14) KISS OF THE YEAR?
Matt. by far. wow.

15) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR?
coming to GV.

16) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR?
living with Becca, Mad and Danielle... planning my study abroad trip [if I can afford to go]

17) MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK?
walking hahahaha it's REALLY hard :]

18) TV SHOW OF THE YEAR?
gossip girl, real world, grey's anatomy, private practice, samantha who.

19) MOST LOYAL FRIEND?
CP

20) BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR?
collegeeee

21) BIGGEST douchbag AWARD?
hah. I shouldn't say who.

22) NEW YEAR RESOLUTION?
remake myself: go to the gym [lose weight], wear nicer clothes, care more about my appearance...

REPOST YOUR 2007 AWARDS
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[18 Nov 2007|01:18am]
so my last post kinda sucked, but thats okay because everyone goes throughs ups and down.

so lets hear about some of the good things about college up at Central...
People- i have made a great group of friends who i know i can trust and count on, and i'm meeting more and more everyday. hopefully i can get some pictures of the boys up pretty soon. Its amazing, just because i know i have these friends, but i still love the friends i have back at home, no matter where they are.

I'm suppose to be moving in with my friend Jen next year in a house, i'm pretty fucking excited. and if i still have the job up here then i can totally rent out the house we want to get. and i've been trying to talk Justin Law to come move in with us and go to MCC.

school is decent, the classes aren't that hard, but i just hate how some of the teachers teach. it seems like everytime a teacher is monotone, he always has to lecture for an hour in a half. its fucking stupid.

My job sucks. but there are a few cool people who i think i will be becoming friends with pretty soon. i'm getting paid a decent amount too, so that makes it a little bit better.

I wish more of you guys came and visited me. I try to come home a lot but its been super stressful so i've been trying to take a break. As you all kinda could tell by the last few posts, but i've been kinda super stressed and depressed, so it seemed like the world hated me. but its all good, its passed :-) thanks for not yelling at me when i'm bitching. lol.

happy birthday to everyones i missed, i know there is a lot: gail, nate, kallie, and nate


nate, did you get your card yet?

gail, lets hangout !!!!

NICKI: i have something to show you!!!
3 comments|post comment

[24 Oct 2007|04:14pm]
why do people friends always feel the need to use me?
2 comments|post comment

[02 Oct 2007|06:43pm]
This weekend was just what i needed. even though things didn't go exactly as planned, but what happened was even better.

weekend funCollapse )

classes are well...classes.
precalc is fun because its me and justin and my professor. Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

sexy isnt he? he's my pre calc guy and he talks like borat and he cant teach math. he makes everything sound like rocket science.

so me and justin talk, laugh, joke, and just have fun in that class.
then i go to speech, which sucks because my teacher is a blonde 24 year old bimbo. who wants to be a college student again
then its fye which is cool, i talk to vicki a lot and shes nice.
then sociology my teacher is the child of mr. sargent and mrs. chapman. only just as old and is open about talking about her doing acid!
then psycholgoy where i sleep every single time i have it, the teacher is monotone and loves making us watch movies.

thats how classes are.

anything else that needs to be known?


i think lisa, jeff and beth are coming up tomorrow. that should be interesting
1 comment|post comment

[19 Sep 2007|03:29pm]
college life is good, looking forward to the weekend though.

i'm learning new things

my resident hall is infested by bugs. we were told not to kill the HUGE fucking centipedes because they eat the spiders. its a good thing bugs dont bother me.

i want someone to come with me to get my tattoo. its going to get done very soon.
4 comments|post comment

[11 Sep 2007|12:30am]
There are times in peoples lives when they have to make a very tough decision. its not tough in the aspect that you dont know what to do, its tough because the thing to need to do is what you wanted to get away from ever since you were 13. there are two sides of the problem and neither are good. its just something that you have to do because you feel its the right thing.

i hate it here, but i think i hate it there even more.

i almost cut my fingers off today. they've been bleeding since 5:00p.m

i quit my job

i have never felt so alone as i do tonight. I have no idea why. i just am very depressed, so let me ramble.
i have no friends up here
i live alone, so i dont ever talk to people
i'm broke
my friends from oxford seem to be forgetting about me as the days go on
having family issues

my life is really going to shit, and it seems like no one is here to help.


why is it so hard for some people to open up to other people, and at the same time its so easy for other people to spill their guts.

I hate telling people things that are bothering me, but when i finally do, it hurts even more getting told they dont care, or that i'm just fucking my life up.
3 comments|post comment

[03 Sep 2007|08:02pm]
someone is playing bagpipes in the street.
2 comments|post comment

[25 Aug 2007|02:03pm]
Lost power the first night,
Tornado the next day,
thunderstorm yesterday, but that didnt stop welcome weekend.

met a few cool people: Jen (Hippie like me), Scott, Chris, Lauren, Jake, and Pat.

Miss my real friends

Address time:
Robinson rm. 131
1200 Washington st.
Mt. Pleasant, MI, 48858

(989) 774 4865

but you can still call the cell cause its not long distance.

Come visit me!!!!!!
1 comment|post comment

[21 Aug 2007|10:13pm]
so here i am sitting at my new desk with my new lap top in my new dorm, wishing i had old friends here with me.

I hate feeling alone, i seriously do. I hate when i have to be alone when i dont want to be. I dont have the comfort of being able to call my friends and hang out when i need// want to. Don't get me wrong, i am very excited to go out on my own, and have to deal with actual life problems, but at the same time, i wish i had people here who know me.

in other news: i got a job. I am a server at Applebees. Horray.

I almost cried when i left kalloways for the last time. I miss that place so fucking much. it was really like a second home to me. :-/


I want a lot of people to come up and visit. just call me and let me know when you want. i have an extra bed. and i will be getting a bunk bed futon (sp?) so thats three extra beds. plus mine (i dont mind sharing ;)

all in all, life is at a point where its time to change, and i'm not ready... just yet
1 comment|post comment

[02 Aug 2007|03:33am]
i've been trying to figure out whats going on for a while now, and the more i think about it the more i get confused. i just wish things were simpler. I'm excited for change but at the same time, i'm always afraid that i wont be able to handle it. i dont want to end up like my family, and i dont want to end up not happy and still living with my mom when i'm 20. i just want to be happy and have good friends.

I'm leaving in 19 days, and i dont think any of my friends will have the time/money to come visit me, i know we say things like "i'll visit every weekend" but we all know that never happens. i'll come back on breaks but i will be different. Going away to school changes people. Some for the good and others for the not so good. So its obvious that i will change, i just hope i become a better stronger person, who will make something out of my life.

people i missCollapse )


how do you tell a boy you like, that you like them. (pretend you are a GIANT pussy face)
13 comments|post comment

[10 Jul 2007|02:54pm]
hello, my name is sam, and i think everytime i find out what i want and need in life i fuck it up. i no longer have friends.
4 comments|post comment

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