My final paper for English class is due in 12 hours, and I'm angry at myself that I procrastinated so much. I've been trying to clear my head without actually talking about the things that are bothering me, or actually articulating my thoughts. I have not spoken to Brandon since that last post. About a week ago he had started harassing me again, half of the voicemails started out with "I won, and I always will win" he also said that the calls and voicemails won't stop until I change my number, and when I do, he will find that number and harass me again. I did change my number finally, it was a lot easier than anticipated. Another one of his voicemails started out with "I don't understand how I could love somebody so much, but hate them so much that I want to impale them." I went to the Scranton Police last Monday night to get some advice at least, upon Julie's suggestion. When he "officer" came out to speak with me I could tell from the look on his face that he felt inconvenienced by two twentysomething girls that showed up in the middle of the night to start shit at the police station. I gave him a brief synopsis of the situation, and Julie told him that I'm worried that a PFA will make him come after me, I asked him if he could at least give me advice, he said, "About what?" So I walked outside and sat in the car and lit a cigarette, Julie came out shortly after me flipping off the cameras which seemed counter-productive. She wasn't even in there 2 minutes longer than I was, and in that time he told her that just because he threatened to kill me in the past but he's not now doesn't mean that he will. She told him that it's sad that this is how the police treat situations like this as she stood up, and he put his hand on his taser and the other in front of him like he was warning her to calm down. She wanted to go back inside, but I told her that it was in our best interests to leave, so after some coaxing, we did.
The next day I changed my number before he had a chance to call me for the first time of the day. I called Women's Resource Center a few hours later, and the lady that I spoke to wasn't exactly helpful. She asked me "Hasn't he found a new girlfriend yet?" I told her that I don't care and that's not the issue. She said at another point "He sounds like an angry guy" and advised me to look for somebody else who will treat me right. I'm really not concerned with any of that, I asked her specifics about things, which seemed go go in one ear and out the other. She gave me the number to legal aid though... I explained to her what happened at the police station and told her that it's so fucking stupid that I have to prove that I did nothing wrong or that I'm not provoking him, blah blah.. but she asked me why I felt that way like she had no concept of that. She works for a women's shelter, how would she not understand this?
It's hard for me to not slip back into paranoia. I finally decide to do something after all of this time of keeping contact but keeping it copacetic for my benefit, except this is not benefiting me at all, and I will not let the fucker "win" like hge thinks he is. I shouldn't have to live my life in fear of when he will catch up with me, or do some insane spiteful shit. I realized the other day that I have become such an angry person. It bothers me so much that I can't relax or even clear my head. Things started changing when Brandon got out, and slowly led into me being angry and afraid. It seemed like things were actually going to be different. It seemed like he was really struggling to live in the real world as a sober person and that he really did want better things in his life for the right reasons. He kept using, and he would tell me to help him, so I started telling him that I knew that there was a part of himself left that hadn't been taken over by his addiction, because that's how it was with me. He engaged me with this concept just long enough for me to get sucked back into his stupidity. I told him one day "I know that I said I want to be two people in a relationship and not two halves of a whole, but I can't lose you again. I need you." and that's when things started going downhill again. I see now that since I had called him on so many of his maniupaltion tactics that he figured out a new and different way to get into my head. I told my mother how stupid I feel about this, but she told me not to feel stupid because I was being a good person and giving him another chance even though he didn't deserve it,and that he exploited that opportunity. It gets so tiring because I am on guard all of the time, and when I did let my guard down, this happened. I'm surprised that I haven't gotten any whacko mail from him yet, maybe I should be expecting a human head in the mail. I have so little energy anymore, and I don't want to expend the energy necessary to effectively handle this situation. I'm working on getting my body back to the way that it was functioning prior to his release, but I don't want to get out of bed, and I don't want to face anything. I feel sometimes as if he broke me, except I had enough diginity and self-respect to stay cautious with a lot of things, and part of the reason that he left me so many of those very angry voicemails is because he was trying to break me. When I told him that he didn't control my life is when he fucking lost it. I didn't say much to the people in my life about him when I did mention him for a while because when I wanted to say something I realized that I was justifying his idiocy. But it's not just that he's an idiot or a douche, or makes decisions that only hurt him, or that he's an addict. His goal in life is to be the alpha male at all costs, he wants to hurt people when the slightest thing does not go his way. That time that he chased me through the house and threatened me vividly in front of his grandmother was because I smoked a cigarette in his room. His tactic is to scare people into submission, because he equates that with respect. he doesn't have the ability to even feel empathy.
And I do realize that all of the experiences in my life have led me up to this point. And sometimes when I get stressed I remember that at least I have my own apartment and my own things, and pets that I can take care of, I'm sober, finally, an I love and respect myself. At least I'm not sleeping in the woods next to him at the end of winter with only a hoodie and a blanket because he made us homeless. But sometimes putting things into perspective like that doesn't allow me to feel the very valid emotions that I'm experiencing. I have a hard time not being angry with just myself. And it's not fair because he has ingrained this new concept of guilt within me after 5 years. I do my best to fight that, but sometimes it still sneaks up on me and makes it so difficult to even want to stick up for myself with him. I have conquered myself and my past and those that useless shame, except he slid those feelings back into my brain without me noticing until it got to the point that now I don't want to get up, I want to sleep all day, I don't want to eat, I don't want to be productive, I don't want to do anything except exist. I'm not sure how to feel these feelings healthily. I spent so many months locked in my room having very little human interaction, working on myself and becoming the person that I've known that I can be. But it feels pointless sometimes now. I feel like no matter what I do with my life, good or bad that he broke me. But if I continue to live my life this way then he really will win.
The thing that sucks the most is that I have to feel these feelings to be able to get through to the other side because they are there all the time whether I want to acknowledge them or not. But when I think about him, the situation, and myself within the situation, it is so unbearable that I don't want to go any further into the thought. I have been thinking about getting high so much lately, and I had barely thought about it until this. I firmly believe that a slip doe not necessarily equate a relapse, that you have the choice of whether or not to keep using after that, but the way that I have been feeling, I know that I will pick up where I left off and lose maybe not necessarily my worldly posessions, but myself. I can't lose myself again. This is what he wants.
I'm also not especially happy that the few friends that I have, the few people that I speak to don't put as much effort into our relationship as I do. I understand that people have their own lives, but I make a point of being a good friend, but very few times have these people checked on me to see how I'm doing, or what's up with my life, or anything of the sort. Sometimes I really feel alone. And not in the sense of personal physical solitude, but as a concept of being the only person invested in me. I need to be my own motivation and inspiration, but I need support, and I need help sometimes. I can't get myself out of this alone as much as I wish that I could.
And I want so badly to either go to sleep right now, or talk to somebody for a while, or otherwise take my mind out of reality as I comprehend it at the moment. But now my paper is due in 11 hours due to wanting to relax and get my mind off of things. I have such a hard time staying focused anymore, and if I procrastinate more than I will fail this class. This is what he wants. But at the same time, I need to take a short break. I just don't like how this day is turning out so far.
My English teacher thinks that it's a good idea to start journaling again to help me start writing regularly again.
So Brandon got out of jail, again, about a month ago. Every day I become more uninterested in his dilluted opinions and viewpoints. When he says that he wants to talk to me, he means that he wants to talk at me. I should have no part in this unless I agree with him. So tody we actually talked for about 2 hours, which we haven't done in maybe 2 weeks. I finally get him to not talk while I'm telling him something, except them it turns out that he wasn't on the other line for most of what I was saying. Hard to tell if he hung up though, since the reception sucks. When we get back on the phone, I reiterate what I'm saying, which he keeps trying to interrupt since his opinion of how I should feel is more important. I tell him that I listened to him talk. My point was that I'm very tired of his blatant disrespect for me. Like I tell him about so many other things, he's trying to convince himself. I called him out on things that he probably didn't know that I saw through, and honestly, I haven't kept talking to him about because he's do even crazier manipulative shit. I told him that he can have his own opinions about the things that I am doing to improve my life, but they don't matter to me because they don't change my opinion of myself. He then told me that he does acknowledge that I'm a totally different person, and most of the things are positive, but that some of it is much worse. So, I tell him to elaborate. We're both completely calm at this point. He tells me that I'm "constantly flipping out" and telling him that he's not listening to me. I'm not constantely flipping out, surprisingly enough, and that is not the same thing as intolerance for his bullshit. There was an incident yesterday where he told me that I should be going to a different school, which I legitimately did spazz over. I told him that I know I handled that wrong, but that I'm tired of him trying to dictate how I live my life. He interjects, and I tell him to listen to me because I listened to him, and he tells me to shut the fuck up. I tell him to shut the fuck up. Then he yells at me not to call him and hangs up. HE gets mad at me for being reasonable, and tells me to never talk to him again. Then I don't for a while. I have had it so that his number goes straight to voicemail for a few weeks, plus it's on silent, just in case. I see that I have a voicemail, and seriously, nobody else leaves me voicemails, I knew it was from him. Before I can check it, he calls back, and it actually comes through, so I pick up. He tells me that we're "officially through" like the last hissy fit he had, and tells me that I am not to contact him, or his family, or anybody that he knows because he is dead to me. And if he calls me, I am to not answer, or even check my voicemails. Once again, he decides that he wants to not talk to me, but on his terms, and I am to respect that, even though I have told him repeatedly to leave me alone, but he send me mail that he says he has no recollection of writing, will call me 48 times within two hours, but it's only final if he says it is. He told me the other day that we can't be together, but that he doesn't really want anything to change, and that if neither of us fuck anybody else, that maybe we can get back together. I explained to him that I don't know why he thinks that he's hurting my feelings by trying to dictate the terms of our relationship because I don't want to be with him.
I checked the voicemail after that. It was a long message about how I'm a terrible person and that I will never be anything other than that. He figured out every personal attack that he thought would work to make me feel bad about myself, just a few minutes after I called him out about doing this exact thing. The beginning of his message says "I do take responsibility for what I do, but I don't give a fuck, or something" then he tells me, once again, about how everything is my fault. I have no illusions about the type of person that I am now, or that I was then. He has this persecution complex, and thinks that I used him and ruined his life. I told him that if it were a contest, that I wouldn't win based on doucheitude, though I know I'm done some things that weren't very good. It's all black and white to him though.
He gets really angry when I attempt to dissuade his insanity with logic. I've thought for a while that he's not really crazy when he's sober but that keeping that persona helps him for when he is fucked up. It's hard to tell now since he was only sober for a few days since he's been out, but he may just really be a sociopath. He realizes that I can see through some of his shit, but when I call him out on something that he doesn't realize I know then he goes bananas. I told him not to send me more crazy mail, and he asked how his handwriting was. He knows he sent the fucking thing, he didn't put a return address. He's asking me how his handwriting is to make sure that it's not easily identifiable as his if this continues. And it will. I'm documenting things as they are happening, and I'm letting other people know, just in case. However, I refuse to live in fear because of him, because that's what he wants. He operates by trying to scare people into submission.
But I'm responsible for his bad decisions, and I'm responsible for making sure that we have no contact, even if he contacts me. He will most likely do something really stupid out of spite and his hatred towards me for whatever reason. Even with that in mind, there is not point in living my life worried about his childishness. I kind of feel bad for him, he's pretty pathetic.
Some some some i some i some i murder, some i some i let go
I still can't figure out if I love Neil Young or not.
I stayed home yesterday because I was exhausted from Tuesday. Last night, I went to A Better Today, and I was told that I'm not allowed to go to the adolescent group anymore. And I think that it's because I told them that I have Hep.
I spent the night making this:
It's called "Modern Chernobyl in Blue."
I'm starting to think again that my family hates me. Like, really hates me. I mean, why wouldn't they? Bob was the only person that I was sure of, and now he's not even there for me. I really am alone now.
Anthony is really flakey. I know his mother died, but like does that give him license to lead me on? Either he's interested or not, but I'm not sure which one it is.
Here is a picture of him:
Squid IM'ed me the other day, and said "Driving through Germany blasting Skrewdriver feels amazing." Did I forget to mention? Squid AND Alli
and Gabe all moved to Germany because he's stationed in Rammstein, which if I remember correctly, is the base that he grew up in.
I think that I maybe need to go back to another hospital. I am not feeling better at all. But I don't want to be hospitalized for my birthday. But I keep thinking that I don't want to turn 20, that I want to end it before then.
I'm tired of feeling this way. At some point, I knew that I was worth more than this. I don't know what happened.
- Music:"Tear Out My Eyes"- Blood For Blood
There is a pilgrimage to France and Italy this year.
This will be my honeymoon.
Bob and I are getting married May 26th.
It's going to be small because um, we ain't got no moneys.
If you want to come, let me know because I need an estimate now of who's going to come.
Now I need to figure out how to pay for it, and how to pay for the pilgrimage. I'm probably going to need to take out a loan.
This all sounds rushed, but we were going to get married May 26th anyway, and then we decided not to.
And we wanted to go on our honeymoon to France or Italy and we couldn't decide.
So this is perfect.
And it's a reason to get back in the church.
I haven't something to work towards.
And I'm not going to get into the mushy details of my faith right now because I have too much pride for that I suppose.
I'm coming out of my cage, and I've been doing just fine. Gotta gotta be down because I want it all. It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this? It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss...
Now I'm falling asleep, and she's calling a cab, while he's having a smoke and she's taking a drag. Now they're going to bed, and my stomach is sick. And it's all in my head, and she's touching his chest now. He takes off her dress now. Let me go.
And I just can't look. It's killing me. I'm taking control.
Jealousy, turning saints into the seas, swimming through sick lullabies.. choking on your alibis. But it's just the price I pay. Destiny is calling me.
Open up my eager eyes, cuz I'm Mr. Brightside.