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|Monday, September 14th, 2009|
On Friday I asked to be hurt, and was, beautifully. Or at least, I enjoyed the warm, tender glow I was left with... I don't like belts, and he's quite skilled at snapping it across just one buttock so that the tip curls round and bites into the crease. While it was happening it was really not fun, but given that it was actually a punishment for wilful disobedience, I tried not to complain too much and did at least manage to stay quite still and receptive. It helps to remember that I often don't like the pain while it's happening, and that it being an earned punishment makes it harder.
Afterwards, kneeling before him as he sat on the sofa, with one glow on my bottom and another in my heart, I wanted him. I wanted his hands on me, touching me, stroking me, petting me, pinching me, hurting me... I wanted his hands to reinforce to me that I was his, that I belong to him, that he has free access to any part of my body he wishes, whenever he wishes. The stabs of erotic pain as he rhythmically squeezed my nipples was enough to start me moaning as my eyes drifted shut and I swayed slightly, glad that I was already on my knees. Our kisses just added to this, my mouth making demands of him that chattel have no right to make.
He moved things a notch higher, making me stand facing away from him, legs spread wide, bottom thrust back, flushing at the thought of everything being so displayed for him. And there I stayed, panting and whimpering, while his fingers explored, invaded and fondled me. It was humiliating - and his fingers on my clitoris were arousing and arousing and arousing me, but there was no way I'd be able to orgasm in that position. I was getting desperate, the need to come beginning to override everything else. And then he stopped.
I stayed in position until his order (very glad that he hadn't furthered the humiliation with an inspection), then followed him to the bedroom and obediently took his cock into my mouth. That's an interesting adverb to use, isn't it - obediently. I was glad to go down on him, but knowing that in doing so I'm being an obedient slave gives me a deep and quiet satisfaction, as well as fuelling my arousal.
He wound up ordering my hands behind my back as I lay on the bed and he fucked my mouth, pounding my head into the mattress, making me grunt. I love it when he takes me like that, takes his pleasure from me and I can imagine that he cares not one whit about me except as a masturbation device. Afterwards, his hand wrapped around my neck. "Swallow." And I did. "Good girl"
I didn't get an orgasm. He let me writhe around, grind myself against his leg, whimper, tremble, and generally show him just how very turned on and desperate I was. And then he sent me to get dressed and boot up my laptop for work.
I have not seen him since, and in all there will be four nights when we will sleep apart. For those four nights, I have instructions: I am to read something arousing and masturbate, every night, and I'm not allowed to come.
Because I am overly obedient I am following the spirit of his instructions; I know that he wants me hungry for him, so I am masturbating to the brink of orgasm and then stopping. Two nights of this, on top of Friday morning's desperate and helpless arousal, is making me miss him and yearn for him even more, but at the same time it gives me something to focus on that's quite different and separate from hospitals and sickness. So I am grateful for his care even while I groan to myself, late at night and quivering, over his cruelty.
Tuesday night can not come quickly enough. I will not want to spend a quiet evening relaxing, I have to hope that he won't either. I will want his hands on me, touching, stroking, pinching, hurting, petting, soothing, making me writhe and gasp, my voice abject and helpless, "oh please, oh please..." while his hands touch me all over and reclaim me as his own.
And if I'm very
good, he might even let me come.
|Saturday, December 22nd, 2007|
She was sobbing by the time he finished and continued to do so for some time afterwards. Until the sofa cushion was more than just damp. The lesson had been effective though and she carefully stayed in position, despite the pain which continued to burn and throb and sting all at the same time. But finally the pain began to subside, her tears ended and she lay quietly, her dark red, sore and swollen bottom uppermost over the arm of the sofa. Her head and elbows pressed into the tear-wet seat, and bright red thighs lead to knees spread wide, to ensure complete exposure of what was normally kept hidden and private.
She heard him moving behind her again and then something cold and hard pressed into the cleft of her bottom. “Do you know what this is?” he asked. And suddenly she found some more tears to cry out. ( Read more...Collapse )
|Thursday, November 29th, 2007|
|Struggling this morning
There have been a few posts in this journal now about my rule against touching myself with my bare fingers. Today I'm finding this very difficult.
Master and I were talking last night about the possibility of Strict Month happening one day. That at the moment I tend to assume that if I ask him for permission to touch myself, or to come, he'll say yes. And I get grouchy if he says no. If Strict Month happened my cunt would receive no attention at all - not from me, not from Master. He says he would make sure I was aroused quite often, while paying no attention to my cunt.
Of course, talking about this made me wet. And I didn't have any gloves with me last night, so I wasn't allowed to touch myself. Master did, and I enjoyed several orgasms, but it isn't the same.
This morning we were talking about it again and I asked Master to touch me again. Just to put his hand there and hold, sort of - I just wanted to feel a warm touch. Instead my head was guided down to his cock and my mouth was thoroughly used - grasping my head, fingers across my eyes and nose, moving me up and down hard and fast, wiggling me around to find the angles he liked. All I could do was try to keep up.
After he came my head was removed, patted and he got up. "Time to get dressed."
Everything in my rebelled - I didn't want to get dressed, I wanted to be held and petted and made a fuss of. Except that's not what an obedient girl does, so after a moment I did get up and dressed. By the time I was finished Master was heading downstairs to do a few errands, so I did too. Waited for him at the foot of the stairs and he passed me a few times before he found a moment to stop, wrap his hand round my throat and tell me to swallow.
Then I was allowed to stand up and we cuddled. He held me while I explained why I was sad - that I know it's not really allowed for me to be sulky or unhappy about lack of attention to my cunt, or not doing things the way I want, because those are his decisions to make and I know he gives me plenty of attention in other ways. But it's hard anyway.
So I feel sort of like a good girl because I caught the sulks in time and know I just have to work at accepting what he says. But it's hard, and so I'm sad.
I'm getting a reward tonight, and I'm trying to work on his approval and pleasure being all the impetus I need. But I want what I want right now
, and it's not easy to fight. Current Mood: sad
|Wednesday, October 17th, 2007|
Six months (and one day) ago, on April 16th, my Master gave me a new rule
. The rule was that I was not permitted to touch my cunt directly with my own bare fingers. If I'm washing I have to use a cloth or sponge, if I want to masturbate I have to use gloves (and, depending on other rules, either get permission or let him know immediately afterwards, and what I'd been thinking about).
In August, after four months, Master made it a permanent rule
. Most of our rules are more or less transient - we have them for a few months and then they are altered or discarded or replaced. But this one I'd had persistently since April and then in August he said that I should not expect him to lift it for some time - that he would review the rule when we reached six months but did not expect to change it.
Last night Master and I marked the six months point of this rule - six months of me avoiding all contact with myself, six months of not feeling my own warm, wet, slick heat when I'm aroused. Yes, you can still feel a fair amount through gloves but it really isn't the same. Six months of me finding it just that little bit more difficult to masturbate because with gloves on you lose friction. Six months of religiously noting every tiny lapse, every time I wasn't really paying attention in the shower and the cloth didn't entirely cover my fingers, every time on the toilet the side of a finger grazed against the side of my labia, and telling Master so he could punish me for it. In six months I have never deliberately broken the rule.
It has not become any easier to keep - every day I make a quick mental check that I have gloves with me, every time I want to come I have to go and find some gloves. Every time I try to come it takes me that little bit longer, adds that little bit of frustration, because the gloves have less friction on my clitoris than my fingers would. My Master likes that it is easier for him to make me come than for myself.
Last night, as Master set my mouth and hands to work at pleasing him, he quietly told me that he has no intention of lifting the rule for the foreseeable future - at the very least another six months. That as I had been able to follow it so well for these six months, he saw no reason to. That he was very much looking forward to the end of our first year where the only bare skin my cunt's felt against it, inside it, has been my Master's. Note that - the first
year. That all of me, body and mind, belongs to him, and he's not letting me have my cunt back. And that taking other people's stuff, or using their stuff without their permission, would be very
I get so wet when he talks to me like that.
I still feel no desire to break the rule. Once in a while, like last night when he told me the first year
, the enormity of this restriction washes over me again and I may cry a few tears. Mostly because it makes me feel more owned, more enslaved
, than anything else ever does. I don't have a collar, I don't always call him Master, we do not use most of the trappings of a Master/slave relationship and we do not refer to me as his slave. But he owns me, I could not break free if I wanted to*, and the control and authority he has over this aspect of me and other parts of my life remind me every day that I am not free.
I am not free. I do not belong to myself. I belong to my Master, who has set rules that control and shape my life, including daily routines such as what I eat and when I go to bed. I do not always get to make my own choices. Including when, where or how I touch myself.
I love it.
* uh, mentally, I'm talking about - I regularly leave the house unescorted!) Current Mood: good
|Saturday, October 6th, 2007|
Sometimes I wonder how long it will take me to fully understand one simple concept - that disobedience is unacceptable and will be punished.( Read more...Collapse )
|Saturday, September 15th, 2007|
|Thursday, August 23rd, 2007|
|Waiting for permission
Last night I was surfing some blogs and eventually spent a while reading Confessions of an English Gentleman
and Persephone's Obedience
. After I while I was definitely aroused, and texted Master. Please may I masturbate and have some orgasms?
It actually only took him a minute to reply, but for that minute I was completely on tenterhooks. What would I do if he said no? Well, I knew what I'd do, I'd keep my hands away from my cunt, close my eyes and breathe, remind myself that it's his decision and not mine, and accept what he says... but I wasn't sure how easy or hard I'd find it, I was really very turned on.
A minute later my phone beeped. ( Read more...Collapse ) Current Mood: content
|Monday, August 20th, 2007|
|Monday, August 6th, 2007|
Gosh, life's been so busy and I just never had time to do anything over here.
Still have the rule
. Keeping it much better recently (touch wood!). There've been some changes to it ( Read more...Collapse )
Other things have changed and yet stayed the same - we had a conversation recently about boundaries.
Master knows pretty much exactly where my boundaries are, we talk about them a lot and he knows me very well. That being the case, I've recently agreed that he should be the one who gets to decide which boundaries get pushed, and when and where. This is very scary for me as he's immediately picked on two kinks that I'm deeply embarrassed by and ashamed of - but we also had a conversation about how he owns
me and it really isn't right that I should be able to gainsay him on anything. We communicate and I tell him how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking abou things, and if I'm not liking something but he still wants me to go ahead with it, unless I feel like it'd actually be damaging (physically, emotionally) then I shouldn't be permitted to refuse him. So he's picked these boundaries to push, and they aren't
damaging, and I'm just going to have to do my best with them. I feel very lucky though, both that he'd want to push me, and that I know he can handle anything that comes up as a result.
Oh, in more fun news - we went on holiday during which I spent 3 nights sleeping chained to the bed. The first night I didn't sleep very well, but after that the first night I slept 'free' again I also didn't sleep very well because I missed the weight! Hopefully we can do something similar again soon.
Generally we've been moving a lot more recently towards my being his - owned by him, his possession, whether that means pet or slave or slut or whatever he wants. ( Read more...Collapse )
So, little things and big things both. I'm loving all the changes - even the hard ones, or the ones that I'm worried about. Master won't ask the impossible of me - or if he did, he'd do it on purpose.
I'm also going to undertake an attempt to keep my cunt bare for him - for several reasons, but including that it makes keeping my rule harder, and he likes the extra sensitivity. We'll see how it goes, and hopefully I'll get around to updating here sooner than last time. Current Mood: owned
|Sunday, May 13th, 2007|
|In which I was disciplined.
Nearly two weeks ago I made a post about my Master and me agreeing that he could discipline me if/when he felt I deserved it, without consulting me first, and whether or not I agreed.
Since then, I've had my mouth washed out with soap and gotten one stroke of the cane. ( Read more...Collapse ) Current Mood: mixed
|Saturday, May 5th, 2007|
You know how I said I didn't want to tempt fate?
I tempted fate.
I can't make up my mind whether the waiting is worse than the reality, or vice versa. Current Mood: on tenterhooks
|Thursday, May 3rd, 2007|
|Things change, things stay the same.
[wrote this in the early hours of Wednesday morning and then my internet died.]
Things change: I have a new rule
Things stay the same: I've not been wonderful about keeping it. Although this week has gone a lot better.( Read more...Collapse )
There was another change this evening, at once hugely significant (to me) and yet not really changing much at all. ( Read more...Collapse )
Have managed to dig out the link to an old article
which really grabbed me when I first read it, about domestic discipline in relationships. It's in three sections. Parts of it are completely inappropriate/not me, and other parts are exactly right.
I'm still thinking about it. I don't want
to be in trouble, I think it would be a bad idea to deliberately test this particular new boundary/aspect of our relationship, but at the same time I'm very interested and keen and curious and excited to find out what happens the first time it's put into play.
I just hope I'm not tempting fate by saying so!
|Monday, April 16th, 2007|
|All change, please
Things have changed again.
Remember my last post? About wishing I could not belong to Master for an evening so I didn't have to adhere to my rules? I actually wound up freaking out a bit about it and Master and I had a looong talk. The result of this was my rules being changed. The more I think about it (and Master said he'd been thinking about it for a while too) the more I recognise that was exactly the right thing to do.
Master gave me two weeks 'off'. ( Sort of.Collapse )
My 'holiday' finished yesterday. From today I am not permitted to touch my cunt with my bare fingers (now you see why I chose this icon?). If I'm washing I have to use a wash cloth and for anything else I have to wear gloves. There only skin-on-skin contact my labia, clitoris or vagina will experience will be my Master's skin.
It's a bit of a daunting thought - particularly as I'm due my period in the next week. But the most daunting part of it is that there's no deadline on this rule - it's not for the next week or month or whatever, it's until Master decides to change it. That could be this weekend or not until the end of Summer or not until next year. He said maybe he'd keep it until my birthday, and then my birthday present would be permission to touch myself again.
It's a very hot thought, and as soon as I finish writing this I'm going to go put it into practice ;-) Reinforcing once again the fact that my body belongs to my Master, and it's only because he's so generous that I'm still allowed to play with it. I love
knowing that. Current Mood: owned
|Wednesday, March 28th, 2007|
Master, at some point you're going to read this. It might be a little upsetting. I hope not, but I need to think it out so it's here. In any case it's just thoughts, and I'll probably be thinking the complete opposite by tomorrow morning.
And we can always talk about it if you like. ( rather grumpy thoughts on ownershipCollapse ) Current Mood: moody
|Saturday, March 17th, 2007|
|Wednesday, March 7th, 2007|
I had a fantastic weekend with Master. I have to do a write-up and I'm not allowed to do it now (should be working), but I can say that much at least.
Last night also Master stayed over at mine. I whined about not being allowed orgasms until I've given him a write-up from the weekend, but the problem was that I was actually the one to suggest it, and Master had told me before
that he doesn't think it's right for me to whine about things that I've proposed myself. He grabbed me by the ear (always gets my attention, always flips my head down into "pay attention, Master means it"), hauled me over his lap (by the ear, and faster than I could move - ow!) and spanked me hard, then lifted me up and slapped my face. I was so
upset. I'd completely forgotten that we'd already been over this, and not that long ago. I felt so ashamed that I couldn't even look at him, I didn't think I deserved the release of tears or of begging forgiveness.
We cuddled some, but I was still really upset. I know I'm not supposed to beat myself up about stuff, that being Master's job, but I felt so bad that I couldn't help it. Master shouldn't have to correct me repeatedly for the same things.
Eventually I calmed down, he asked whether I needed more spanking that evening or the next morning and I admitted that I couldn't really say - I knew he meant for guilt/catharsis but I also knew that my brain would just read it as punishment, plus I felt I didn't deserve catharsis so really probably better if I didn't make the decision.
Master started playing with my cunt, moving his fingers in all the perfect ways to bring me to orgasm and then stopping short. Again, my brain being in the space it was, I couldn't see why he was doing this except as punishment since I'd been whining about not being allowed to come, so I just gritted my teeth and leaked tears. We talked about it a few minutes later and he said it should have been more of a lesson - that my orgasms belonged to him and he wasn't giving me any. I asked for the lesson again, but this time with words, and it worked much better. Still suffering and not liking the helpless knowledge that I wasn't going to get what I wanted, but Master's words about how he had tight hold of my orgasm and although he might show it to me it wasn't going to slip his grasp and I certainly wasn't going to feel it, were very potent. He was generous too and let me beg for one, and then told me "no" in such a firm voice that I immediately knew it was futile and stopped asking. All things that help my brain, and I sincerely thanked him for the lesson.
We talked about the fornight before, when I didn't see him for ten days and it felt like eternity. Master's not online much at the moment and I'm not much on the phone, plus I have this paranoia of interrupting him when he's busy with family stuff or precious alone time, so if we're not actually in the same room we don't actually communicate that much any more. It occurred to me that when I had weekly instructions
at the end of last year, I coped much better with being apart from him. I suggested that maybe sometimes things like that would help me, and he agreed. I'm delighted - I don't want my life entirely bound by rules and I don't want to have the same rules for so long that they become routine (except maybe for the ones about plug and gag while masturbating - I find I actually have better orgasms now with them in than out, that's how long we've been doing it for), but having things that I do to emphasise that I'm his - that I'd love.
So, I'm now going to list a few things that I think would work:
- anything to do with controlling sex and orgasms, whether that's being ordered to masturbate or forbidden to, to orgasm or forbidden to, etc.
- wearing rubber pants (this is slightly embarrassing at work as they're not silent like cotton pants and you can hear everything in the toilets)
- having a set bedtime, or things to do at bedtime
- being given a position to hold while watching the clock hands move a set distance
- writing lines in my book
- doing certain chores
- not being allowed to sleep in my bed
- having to sit 'backwards' on the toilet
And probably a few other creative things Master could come up with.
We talked about how I don't really associate with the word 'slave', it doesn't seem to fit. And that really I don't need any words to describe what I am to my Master, apart from "his". His pet, his good girl, his love, his to punish and pleasure and hold and anything else he wanted. I fell asleep extremely happy and content.
This morning, I got my extra spanking. Master told me before I went to sleep that when I woke up in the morning I was to put a paddle under my pillow. I got up early to use the toilet and brought the black wooden one back to bed with me. I could feel it through the pillow, lying on it knowing that Master was going to use it on me later... I'm surprised I managed to doze off!
We woke up and snuggled then dozed again a few times. Then Master put me on my front, tossed the covers back and slowly started spanking my bottom with his hand. They were sharp smacks too, all stingy. In my hesitant little-girl voice, I let him know that my cuffs were sitting on the bedside table. He was delighted with this, put them on me and used them to attach me to the headboard. Then he stood up and said, "now, there's no point in tying you up so that you can't get away, without spanking you really hard, is there." At which point I started whimpering.
There was no real warm-up, mostly lots of hard paddle swats and spanks from his hand. After I was begging nicely, he paused and fetched the cane. I think my whimpering got a bit louder. He gave me several stinging strokes which made me jump, flinch, yelp, etc. until I was protesting quite a lot, then said that he was going to give me one stroke full force and that would be the last cane stroke I'd get today. I noticed the wording - not the end of my spanking, by any means. But I lay still for it, and it took a good five seconds after it landed for the pain to really kick in. Apparently my wriggling was very pleasing to him! Then I got the belt. I'm scared of his belt - it's a real symbol of authority to me, for some reason, it's wrapped around his waist all day nearly every day, and sometimes he takes it off to wrap it round my neck like a collar. I've been known before to put his belt back on him, buckle it up and then kiss it. I got a few strokes that stung and made me wriggle and beg, but mostly through fear rather than serious pain. But the belt is psychologically difficult for me - if it had been the night before with my head still in that negative place, I would've been convinced that it was Serious Punishment and that I'd seriously displeased him. I told him this later - that it would send a definite message if he ever used his belt on me for punishment. I also got some more paddle swats, which also stung like the dickens.
This is getting really long. Master gave me a beautiful orgasm (with the rubber trousers he'd worn to bed over my head so I was breathing in the mingled scents of him and rubber and sweat while his fingers made me arch and shudder and writhe and cry out), I gave him one, we cuddled. He used the crop on me which stung beautifully (he used just the tip not the length, I think it may be a new love for me!), then put me on my back with my legs in the air for some more paddling. I don't like that position, I really don't, it's so hard to hold when everything hurts and it feels so exposed and vulnerable, and when he was done I had to press my legs flat on the bed again which made my whole bottom sting against the sheets. Then I went over the back of the chair for more paddling, this time from my more evil wooden paddle with the holes in, and the rubber paddle with one smooth side and one scratchy side. By this time I'd had so much spanking that lightly rubbing the scratchy side over my skin stung like crazy! The swats from both were no fun, the one was all sting and no bite, and the other was all bite and no sting. I hurt after that.
And finally Master listed all the implements he'd spanked me with and asked what was left. All I could think of was his hand - unless he wanted me to start thinking of new implements, like a wooden spoon or a dowel from my wardrobe. But he did indeed mean his hand and I went over his knee for a thorough
hand spanking. My constant "ow"ing didn't change anything but thankfully he would pause after a frantic "Master, Master, Master, please!
" After a few cycles of this he stopped. I sat up on the sofa next to him, wincing all the way as the material scratched my sore bottom, and we cuddled for a long time.
He laughed at my sulky "ow" as I sat on the cold, hard toilet seat.
Master had to go soon after, but I felt so loved and looked after and certain of my place again, I sent him off with a kiss and a smile and was glad and proud to do so. I'll see him again the day after tomorrow, and hopefully by then I'll have written my piece and will be able to ask permission for orgasms again. Because God knows I'm wet enough. Current Mood: loved
|Monday, February 26th, 2007|
I miss my Master. I have not seen him for 7 days and 14 hours. It will be a further 65-ish hours, at LEAST, before I see him again.
And when I do, I won't permit myself to complain about how much I missed him, how much it hurts, how abandoned and lonely and neglected and unimportant I feel. Because I know it would hurt him and I don't want to do that.
But I hurt too. Current Mood: crying
|Thursday, February 22nd, 2007|
|Wishful thinking list
Being a list of items which, had I all the money in the world, I would be keen to buy. Sometimes I look at these items and am glad
that I do not have all the money in the world, as it keeps my bottom intact!!
1) Adam and Gillian's hairbrus paddle
- I read things about this in Sparkle's
blogs, and now I'm really intrigued. Although if we did ever get one I think I'd regret it quite quickly!
2) A lexan cane
. You see what I mean about protecting my butt?? I don't know why, but these things fascinate me. Although you'd probably have to take me to the other side of the moon
so no one could hear me scream...
3) A Burning Rubber paddle
. The thought of those marks *shivers* I'd love to see it used on someone else
4) More butt plugs
. In general, but also some 'different' ones. Stainless steel? Pyrex? Something heavy and unyielding, anyway.
5) Master's been threatening to get a tawse or strap for me, so if I have
to have one then I really want one of superb craftmanship. I love pretty much everything The London Tanners
advertise, but particularly the Nanny Paddle and Victorian Governess Tawse on the nursery
page. I also love the idea of a Domestic Discipline Strap as shown on the Boudoire
page, although what I love about it is the thought of being accountable for my actions, and really Master doesn't need any help in that department! The Corporal Punishment Ruler Paddle on the same page also attracts me, although I'd probably regret that if we got one. I don't actually like the idea of any of the 'severe' rated toys they stock, but possibly this means one of them would be good for Master to reserve for exceptional moments, in which case I'd probably have to vote for the Two-Tailed Viper on the Dungeon
6) I love these Rancho pony boots
, I just know I'd feel incredibly sexy and incredibly submissive the second I put them on. And the site seems to take a lot of care to make sure that you pick the right size. And just look at the shoes on the soles! In the mean time, did you know you can get pony point foot trainers
? And while I'm here, every now and again I look at this head bridle set
, but the more time passes the more I think it's all a bit too much.
7) And of course, I'd love another corset - something in this
cut, and quite possibly brocade. I shall at this point exercise a modicum of restraint, although I'm not sure why, and refrain from looking at all the gorgeous skirts and petticoats...
Do you think seven's enough? I suppose it is, particularly when you consider that number five lists five items all on its own.
What would you get for your toy box, if you had all the money in the world? Current Mood: horny
|Tuesday, February 20th, 2007|
So last week (I think it was), my Master promised me a long, painful session. He said I needed to be spanked, and then paddled, and then caned.
It didn't happen, so he said it would happen at the weekend instead.
Several rather exciting things happened at the weekend (some good and some bad) and basically we spent much of the time either really busy or completely exhausted. We talked about the session some more, he was quite descriptive about wanting to tie me to down so that I couldn't escape and then toast my backside a firey red and then lay painful stripes on top until I was crying helplessly.
I said I didn't want it. I whined, I pouted, I deliberately flopped into bed and
snuggled under the duvet - don't get me wrong, I was
very tired, but if I'm honest I could
have got the implements out and prepared myself for significant amounts of pain. But what with one thing and another, "all" I got was a firm spanking over his knee.
It was a lovely spanking, perfect for my headspace and my tolerance levels (which seem to be pretty high for OTK hand spanking at the moment), only pushing at my endurance a little bit and at the same time wonderfully crisp, firm
(there's no other word for it - hard enough to get my attention, not hard enough to be devastating - actually pretty comforting) spanks while his other arm and one of his legs held me trapped snug against him and didn't let me get away.
It was lovely, but it wasn't devastatingly painful, it was not difficult to submit/surrender to, and basically it wasn't what he'd promised.
Part of me is glad because, of course, I'm scared of the pain. But a much, much bigger part of me is disappointed. I was supposed to be in pain. I was supposed to spend at least the rest of the day and ideally some of the day after having trouble sitting. I was supposed to be taken further than I thought I could go, simply because I was powerless to do anything other than go where he took me.
I can't ask for it. I'm too scared. And if/when we finally get an opportunity and he declares that it is happening
and there's nothing I can do to prevent it, I shall likely wheedle and whine and pout and try to wriggle out of it.
But I still miss it. Current Mood: sad