It's hard to believe, but I am one exam away from the end of my life as a university undergraduate. These four years have gone by so fast. But at the same time, if I think about all the things that have happened, it seems almost impossible. In some ways I am infinitely different than I was four years ago, and in a lot of ways I am exactly the same.
What now? I have a job lined up for the summer teaching art camps, and a plan to travel to France in September to visit my friend Sophie. After that, vague aspirations of teaching English in Japan, maybe selling art on cruise ships, and traveling as much as humanly possible. And continuing to make art.
After four years of art school, do I have an answer for any of the big questions? Questions such as "what is art and what does it mean to me?"
I most certainly don't. If anything, I am more confused than when I started.
There have been a few moments when an understanding has been so close that I can almost feel it. When I almost see the shimmering outline of the answer, like a mirage on the horizon. I guess it's those moments that keep me going.
I have been trying to transition this semester from making "student art" to making "real art". By this I mean rather than making art that fulfills the requirements of an assignment, I have tried to make what I really feel like making. Art that speaks to what I am interested in now. Strangely that has lead to me avoiding making anything at all. Instead, I have been doing performances and creating ephemeral experiences that transcend beyond objects. Is this because my parents are squawking about not having enough room in the house to store any more paintings or sculptures? Or is it because I believe that the precious power of a unique moment must be experienced firsthand and painting and sculpture are only documents of those moments?
But what about this other part of me that wants to learn to paint like an Old Master, and create dazzling illusionary realist paintings? How in the world does that fit into the contemporary art scene, where "painting is dead." How can I be Yves Klien and Leonardo da Vinci at the same time?
Now that I'm done art school... what do I want to make? I don't have to make another work of art in my lifetime if I don't want to. I imagine some art school graduates don't. Maybe even most won't. But I know I want to continue to create... I feel like when I find out what I am meant to create, it will be like nothing that has ever existed before.
Wow. Just wow. If I could go back in time about a week and tell myself what was going to happen, I wouldn’t believe myself. Not in my wildest dreams did I think that what happened this weekend would ever happen to me.
Life Is So Wonderful!
I am just so ridiculously happy to be alive right now. I'm excited about life, thankful for all the wonderful people I have in my life, and absolutely stoked about the fabulous things that will happen in my future. What a wonderful feeling this is.
Peace and Love To You All!
ps. If you're looking for a laugh/to be slighty disturbed, this is pretty interesting.
Lucid Dream: A dream in which you realize that you are dreaming and are able to control the dream world through your own concious actions.
In the past week or so I have started to train myself to have lucid dreams. I started by getting into the habit of remembering my dreams consistently, which is why I have been writing so many of them down. Soon my brain gets used to remembering dreams and does it automatically. Then I started getting in the habit of always checking to see if I am dreaming. I set my watch to beep every hour on the hour, and when it does I ask myself, "Am I Dreaming?" I do a couple of reality checks (checking to see if I can fly, checking to see if everything around me makes sense, reading some words and looking away and reading them again to see if they have changed). Studies have shown that the habits that you have in your concious life usually carry over to your subconcious when you are dreaming. The theory is that, if I am in the habit of always checking to see if I am dreaming, eventually I will do a check and I actually WILL be dreaming.
That is the first step to Lucidity - realizing that you are dreaming. It is only when you realize this that you will be able to control your dreams.
Well, luckily my training has paid off. And rather quickly, which leads me to believe that I have a natural capacity for dream recall and lucid dreaming. In fact, I have had lucid dreams before, more than once actually. But I believe that they were just spontaneous and I did nothing to bring them on. I want to get to the point when I can control how many I have a week, and I can decide as I am falling asleep - "Tonight is the night when I will have a lucid dream."
But anyways... This was last nights dream:
Justin and I are camping in a forest. We are hiking around,taking pictures of each other, goofing around, being silly. Just like we would be doing if we were awake. :) We watch the sunset, and then it becomes dark. We build a fire and sit by it, cuddling up close. Then the fire begins to die and Justin volunteers to go get more firewood. I watch him walk down a path, but in the darkness I see a large, sleek shape following him. I realize that it is a cougar! I really really start to panic, and I don't know what to do. I am utterly terrified. But then I see something strange. Justin walks behind a tree, emerges from the other side as a dog, and then walks behind another tree and emerges as himself again. He seems utterly unfased by this, which is odd and tips me off that something is up. So I remember to do a reality check. I look around and think, "Wait a minute... Where is this forest? I don't remember driving here? And where is our car? And Justin can't really turn into a dog... I think I must be dreaming."
So once I realize that it is only a dream, I am not frightened by the cougar at all. I know it can't hurt us, because it is not a real cougar. So I grab two large branches, and dip them in the fire. I hold them over my head, so that it looks like I am a 9 foot tall fire monster or something. Then I run at the cougar yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs. It hisses, cringes, and then runs away. Yay! We are safe!
As I make sure that Justin is ok, the cougar returns in the form of a young Rastafarian man. He is wearing multicolored beaded clothing and dreadlocks. He says, "Way to go, mon. That was some crazy tricks..."
And then I woke up.
Thanks to my lucid dream training, I turned what would have been a nightmare into a success story! Woot!
I can't wait to see what I dream tomorrow night. :)
I slept for like, 13 hours last night. It was wonderful. Here is some of the fun my subconcious mind had.
Lucy, my sculpture teacher, is sending love notes to my dad. She flirts with him in a christmas card. My mom is getting annoyed, and Dad is protesting that he "doesn't even know this woman!". Lucy just winks and raises her eyebrows.
(if you knew Lucy, this would be funnier)
The christmas card also mentions me, and compliments me, but in long, strange words that I do not understand, I can just tell that they mean good things.
Same Night, Different Dream:
Eric and I own a house together, and there is nothing in it except art. No furniture, just hundreds and hundreds of paintings and sculpture. I am in the house, near the front door, looking at a piece that was painted on glass with many collaged elements and text incorporated. A creepy guy comesin from outside. He looks like one of those guys who wander around downtown talking to himself. He wants to know who the artist is for "the one with the triangles." That's all he will tell me about the piece: "The one with the triangles." I take him through the house, pointing to everything that is remotely triangular and asking, "is this it?" But it never is. There is so much art in the house, and it is mostly modern, abstract, and very bold colors. There is also a series of very large landscapes, about 8ft by 12ft. One of them is an enlargement of the landscape I painted (acrylic on canvas) that is in my basement right now - the first painting I ever did. The others are in the same style, so I assume they are mine as well. Anyways, we still cannot find the "one with the triangles", and I am getting quite nervous about this crazy guy, who mumbles to himself and seems to be getting angry.
Finally, I point to a small, blurry photograph of an elementary school classroom. The only two people in the photograph as a young, dark-haired boy and a thin, smiling teacher with shoulder-length brown hair. The boy is sitting at a low table (which is bright, primary colors) and the teacher stands to his right. On the table is a grey, blocky sculpture. It's about the size of a brick, and is very hard edged and geometric. It looks like a rectangular prism with triangles sticking out of it.
"That's the one! That's the one with the triangles!" The crazy guy yells. He asks me what the artist's name is, and I look at the signature and I can't read it because it's written in handwriting. I say, "Well I don't know who the artist is, but my brother might know. Can I give you his cell phone number?" (Eric doesn't have a cell phone in real life) I try to write it down, but I keep messing the number up and it takes me 6 or 7 times to get it right. When I look up, the crazy guy is leaving and a chase him down to give him the number. When I finally catch him and give it to him, I am in a garden. It is dark, and there are colored floodlights and fountains and waterfalls and little cobblestone pathways. There is a mother and daughter in the garden, the mother plump and blond, and the daughter freckled and pigtailed. The daughter is sitting on the ground looking up at the mother, who is sitting on a stone bench lecturing her. Her lecturing becomes very rythmic, and soon her speech patters transform into a musical beat, which transforms into a pulsing techno song. I walk up some stairs out of the gardon and into a large outdoor party with tents and lights. The music is playing and people are dancing. There are dozens of celebrities at this party, and they are all dressed in outfits that can only be described as futuristic playboy wetsuits - very skimpy, rubbery, and space-age looking. I am sitting at the bar, talking to some guy, and checking out Mariah Carey (who, for some reason, isn't wearing any pants) when the show begins. There is a giant pool of water, and the celebrities are swimming in circles, jumping through hoops, catching balls, and doing other tricks like dolphins at Sea World. Everyone claps and cheers and oohs and aahs as the celebrities do thier tricks. (Some of the people I remember being there are: Rachel Leigh Cook, Jennifer Garner, the cast of Friends, Kirsten Dunst, Reese Witherspoon, Angelina Jolie, and other celebs such as these)
All of a sudden, Justin was there beside me. He sat on the edge of the pool and watched the show with me. Darcy, from my sculpture class, swam by in a green swim cap and goggles. Justin playfully held her head under the water. "Don't drown her, it's scary to be in that situation," I tell him, and he stops. Darcy emerges, gasping for air, and I wake up.
WTF? Have fun trying to figure out what the heck that means!
PS. I had more wierd dreams last night, but I don't have time to post them because I must leave for work. But I will post them later. Love you all and have a great day!
Last night I had a dream that I was on a huge boat. The boat was an obedience school for animals, and there was every kind of animal that you could imagine. I was watching the graduation ceremony. Each animal was called by name, and thier owner led them up to the podium on a leash. There were mostly dogs, but some cats, birds, donkeys, rodents, horses, and more exotic animals like bobcats and hyenas. When each animal graduated it was given a collar with a flashing light on it, and then thrown overboard. Soon the sea was filled with tiny little flashing lights as the animals that could swim began swimming alongside the boat. The ones that couldn't swim simply drowned.
Once all the animals were overboard and the black water looked like a sky full of stars, I went and stood up at the front of the ship. We were rapidly approaching land. It looked like a quaint little village perched on a tiny island. We hit the shore with a crunch, because we were going so fast that we crushed some of the animals that were swimming in front of us.
I jumped off the boat onto the beach and laid down in the sand. I found animal parts everywhere - the head of a mouse, the tail of a fish, the paw of a dog. I found an odd looking rubber shape. It was a yellow rubber ball, about the size of a soccerball, but it had a hole on two sides and was hollow in the middle. (Sort of a thick, donut shape, but you could tell that it had once been a ball) It was home to two identical turtles.
The turtles were small, thier shells no bigger than the palm of my hand. They walked around and around the inside of the ball, thier feet sticking to the rubber so they could walk upside down. they seemed to have adhesive feet.
I was lying on the ground watching the turtles, and I saw a young man with a video camera. I think he had a beard... I asked him to videotape the turtles walking upside down, because I had never seen anything like that before. But when he aimed the camera at them they stopped moving and suddenly appeared to be made of plastic. It was not until the camera man was gone and I laid there quietly for a while did they come back to life.
Same Night, Different Dream:
I see: A group of kids standing on a lake of ice, around a large hole, about a metre wide, all looking down into it. The tallest is a blond boy wearing a red sweater.
Then I see:
I am walking through a corridor in an empty modern building. My footsteps echo, everything is very shiny and white. The ceiling is covered in mirrors. I look up and see a ragged hole in the mirrors. A group of children sized dolls looks down on me through the hole. thier faces are plastic. The tallest us a blond boy wearing a red sweater.
What in the world do you think these dreams mean?
I feel like they must be symbolic of something.
My Barenaked Ladies tickets arrived in the mail today! Yesssssss!
In other exciting news: Holidays are almost here, This semester is almost behind me. I just have to print out my Digital Collage and write an essay for Philosophy of Religion. Then it's fun time!
I'm so happy. And in love. :D
Hope y'all are having a great day.
This weekend I built a giant box of Smarties (8 feet long, 6 feet wide, one foot deep), and painted it in exact detail.
I filled it with multi-colored helium balloons, and closed the lid.
When I opened the box again, my bigger-than-life-size Smarties exploded out with enthusiasm and spilled all over the ceiling.
Except for one that got caught in the corner of the box.
And guess what color it was?