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I read about it in... Friendship and bravery Time flies Insufferable know-it-all Previous Previous
Books and cleverness
...there are more important things
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Ahhh...its been a long bloody time. My computer is mostly fixed now- we just need to upload the Internet which will happen in a few days, I hope.

It was back to school (aka the grind) today. I think the hardest part was undoubtedly getting up at the ungodly time of 6:00. I have Ancient Civilizations, English 11 Prep, Canadian Law and Peer Assisting. Allen, Caryl, Jackson- and then whoever I end up peer assisting for, I won't know for another two weeks.

I won't make this a very long entry as I'm on a very messed up keyboard that is annoying the heck out of me. I am definitely looking forward to getting back into writing everyday again. Even if I don't say much its always very relaxing to sit down and write for five, ten minutes a day.

Life is good.

I think I'll get a new journal though. This one is quite clogged up with things I don't even remember anymore. *sighs*

Shout out to Sara. I miss our talks so much.

I feel a little: calm calm
If I could sing it would be: 'She Will Be Loved' by Maroon 5

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So, yes, my computer is extremely broken and my dad's very busy so I have to remain missing in action for ooh, at least another week. I'm very sorry and I hope very much you all remember me. I miss you very much and hopefully I'll have acsess to a computer full time (I'm at my dad's work) by August. Keep your fingers cross and I hope everyone is having an amazing summer :D

I feel a little: bitchy bitchy
If I could sing it would be: 'Cloud Number Nine'

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From now on, this journal will be Friends Only. Its not necessarily because I'm snooty and don't want anyone reading, its just because I found this really pretty banner. *laughs*



Friends Only

I feel a little: amused amused
If I could sing it would be: 'Hands Down' by Dashboard Confessional

turn back time
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What did I do today? Well, I waxed at lunch and listened in shock amusement as Laura called Mr. Ross 'Beastly.'

I went skiing and had a very good time even though the snow is so sticky by now that its very hard to propel one's self forward.

I got my hair cut. She took off a lot and made it very chunkily layered. I love it. Very punkish, I suppose you could say.

I made a Keira Knightley mood theme. Mind you, its not a very good one and it didn't work out exactly the way I planned, but there is plenty of time for the future.

What didn't I do today?

I didn't do my french homework immediately, so I can go and panic over that now.

I also didn't keep my goal about showing my emotion. Ah well, we'll start tomorrow.

Now, on to le francais.

I feel a little: accomplished accomplished
If I could sing it would be: 'Life's A Bitch' by Shooter

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After a somewhat good night's sleep, I woke up feeling refreshed in body and not quite as sick. I toyed with the idea of skipping out on school, but I've missed a lot, so opted to drag my sorry self to the classroom. A part of me was glad I went because it did give me something to do, yet the other part was quite miserable because life isn't so good. Or rather, life is good, but I'm not. If that makes any sense at all.

I suppose the following could possibly be classified as 'highschool drama' and if it is, well so be it. In our little group, and I believe they agree with me, I'm not exactly known for going through periods of depression or in fact being unhappy at all. I'm generally a very happy go lucky person and I appreciate life for all the little things. I think I could almost be said to have earned the title for 'The Ditzy One' or 'The Happy One'. 'The Brainless One With the Rich Dad' also fits what I know damn well what people think of me.

Normally I don't mind conforming or at least appearing to conform to what the general opinion is. They really aren't that bad of titles. You get to have a good time, not expected to be serious and people tend to take care of you and do things for you. I'll be the first one to tell you, and Anna the first to confirm, I like being taken care of. Its not exactly laziness, its just that I love the feeling of safety.

Its only recently that these 'titles' or maybe 'stereotypes' haven't started to wear on me. Its gotten to a point where I'm always smiling or laughing, when inside I'd much rather be sitting off in a corner or crying or anything rather than appearing happy. I know I shouldn't care what people think of me, or what they expect of me, but for some reason, I can't stop conforming to what they feel or think. Maybe I've done it for so long I don't have anything else, or don't know how else to act. The only thing I know for sure, is I'm so sick of smiling when I'm really not that chuffed. And, if you'll excuse me, I am now done my 'Oh Let Us Pity Her' rant of the day. I know I'm incredibly lucky and have nothing to really complain about. This is simply something that's been wearing on my nerves and I needed to say.

Numb by Linkin ParkCollapse )

I feel a little: frustrated frustrated
If I could sing it would be: 'Numb' by Linkin Park

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I feel so sick and tired. I just want to lie down and sleep for an eternity.

Actually, on the other hand, I may go throw up now.

Hahaha. My icon has funny hair.

**passes out**

I feel a little: sick sick
If I could sing it would be: 'My Immortal' by Evanescence

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My brother is on a AAA hockey team, which in my town is a very big thing. Our social lives revolve around said team, and some of the men on the team have known me since I was seven years old. My mum's best friend is a father on the team and my godfather has a child on the team. We're a very close knit bunch. For as long as I can remember, going out with the hockey team was fun and a time for a lot of laughs. We were, and excuse the cheesiness, like a family. But, lately, I find that all of that has changed.

Tonight there was an end of year party and I decided last minute to attend, much to my later regret. I've gotten to that awkward stage where I can't run around with the kids, but the adults don't think I'm quite mature enough to listen to their dirty jokes. Unfortunately for them. I'm old enough to be able to sit back and observe all of their faults, which I'm quite sure they do not enjoy.

However, to their good fortune, doing that is very boring and I soon went outside and played with their huge dog. I ran around outside with this huge golden retriever by the name of Bo for about an hour. It was the highlight of the night.

I had to eat though, despite Bo's very generous offer to share his bone, and by the time I was done it was far too dark to go back out. So, I sat around for a while, watching the hockey game on television and listening to my mum flirt with her best friend. That disgusted me. I'm not entirely sure whats going on with them, but sometimes I wonder. They're always together and I swear, he's all she talks about.

I suppose I was giving her death glares, because my godfather like person, Rick, came over and talked to me for a while. We had a really long discussion about my family's problems and his mother-in-law's cancer and some shit he's going through. I fell asleep on him for a little while and woke up just in time to go home.

You know those men who just have that...lewd look in their eyes when they look at a girl? I mean, I suppose every male has it, but its just so much worse when its a forty year old man looking at a teenage girl. One of the parents, who I don't know very well, came up behind me as I was hugging Rick goodbye and said Well, why don't I get a hug? I'm not particularly stingy with my hugs, so I obliged him. But when he wouldn't let go and was clearly trying to peer down my shirt...I just felt sick to my stomach. I felt violated in a room full of people. I knew he was one person I never wanted to be alone with. Rick eventually pulled me back, but God! I feel dirty.

I'm going to go to sleep now and pretend this night never happened.

I feel a little: annoyed annoyed
If I could sing it would be: 'Remember when it Rained' by Josh Groban

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Probably pathetic, yet still amusingCollapse )

I feel a little: amused amused
If I could sing it would be: 'Growing On Me' by The Darkness

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Before I begin this entry, which will be reflective and slightly depressing, I have to send out a hugely large thank you to ladymiranda who is the reason I have the paid account with the fifteen icons you see now. You're the greatest and I will send many Girl Guide cookies.


~*~

Nothing too exciting happened today. This is always a very dangerous state. It gives you too many opportunities to ponder. And I have pondered a great deal.

It seems to me like I'm always drifting away from people. I never stay friends with people for along time. It can certainly be lengthy- up to four years, but in the end, I always end up drifting away. I have had so many vivid examples of this in the past few days, I couldn't help writing an entry about it.

There used to be a girl I worked with- possibly those of you who read my elbereth94 journal will remember her. Her name was Jessie and we were extremely tight. We had so many plans laid out- trips to England, me going up and visiting her in Toronto. We went out to movies and whatnot. She was the closest thing to a big sister I've ever had. Yet, she just signed on to MSN and only two months since she moved to Toronto, I find I have nothing to say to her. I don't even have any desire to send her a message.

Last night something very similar occurred. Just this year and last I had three best friends- Lori, Mel and Amanda. Everyone knew the four of us were best friends. We were friends to the point where we would shut people out in our own amusement. We didn't even care at that point as we were sure we were all we needed. Yet, last night Lori was talking to me online and we had nothing to say to each other. I must have asked her what she'd been up to recently at least four times. Mel and I still grin and wave in the hallways, but we don't even know each other anymore. Amanda and I are still tight, but I can't help thinking thats only because we're in three of the same classes and that we'd be in the same position if it weren't for the near identical timetables. That relationship I thought was so strong vanished in a matter of weeks.

I used to have a friend online named Molly. We were close and she even called me once, long distance from Texas. We would sit at the computer and talk for hours until both of our parents were screaming at us to get off. But, slowly the conversations got shorter and shorter and we had less and less to talk about. I haven't heard from her in over a year.

I look at my friends now- Anna, Laura, Megan and Kels. I almost drifted away from Megan once. We used to be best friends- determined to be each other's bridesmaids. Now I'd have to pick Anna, but I suppose thats fooling myself. Aren't we just as doomed to drift apart? If not during high school at least when we both go to university. And what about my close online friends...Nicole, Sara and Ben. I haven't known Nicole and Sara as long as I've known Ben, but will I eventually lose contact with them as well?

Its so depressing, but it seems to be the story of my life. So many people I use to be close with. Now I can count them on my finger. I don't miss the large amount of people- I even prefer it this way. But I do wonder if people are just going to keep coming and going. When I'm full grown, is there actually going to be someone left who can say 'Oh, I've been friends with Shawna since she was in high school!'

Oh well, at least I still have Tim.

I feel a little: discontent discontent
If I could sing it would be: 'We're Gonna Win' by Bryan Adams

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I have had a true run in with the hobo, who shall now be referred to as Tim. As that is his name. I, being the stupid blonde at heart that I am, decided to venture back into the bush. This time Tim was waiting for me. Only I didn't know his name was Tim at the time. I said hello and he said hi back. His voice is raspy, almost as though he doesn't use it that much anymore. I asked him how long he'd been living there and he said about a month. I was frightened the entire time as I had that sinking feeling I was doing a Very Stupid Thing. However, turns out Tim's a nice bloke and I even brought him some food- chocolate chip cookies and a bag of Mike Ikes I got at Bulk Barn.

Today Anna, Laura, Ross, Quigley, Steve (Quigley's son) and I went out to a pancake breakfast at Shaw's Pancake Hut. The pancakes were very good and the maple syrup was excellent. I didn't want to praise it too highly because Laura's family makes and sells maple syrup and I thought I should at least appear loyal. Though come to think of it, I haven't actually ever tasted their syrup. After breakfast, it was of course time to ski. But not at Hardwood this time.

We drove for a while until we came to a snow mobile track. We skied along it and then down a log cutter's path. This was followed by some very...interesting...skiing across a field. At one time I fell down at a very inappropriate spot and barely managed to tuck my head in before Laura came shooting down. Eventually though we reached our final destination. An open area with two steep hills, entitled 'The Bowl'.

We spent about an hour, skiing down it, then shooting up the other side. There were attempts to catch air and skiboggan. The best memory of the day would have to be on Anna's first time down. This was actually a very scary task the first...eight or so times down. Anna screamed out "FUCK!" on her first time down, right in front of the coaches. So how cool is Mr. Ross? Any other teacher would have reprimanded her, but he turns to me, laughing and shouts Shawna, you're not the bad one anymore!

The ski back in was somewhat less difficult. We found a new path with easier going, though I still had a bit of difficulty. We lost the Ross once and came very near to panic, before he popped over the top of the hill.

But, alas. I'm back at home. I have a huge french project due on Monday and a resume that desperately needs to be written. **sighs and glares at them**

I have a new saying that will be frequently said by me over the next month or so. It must be luuuve, babe.

Oh yes, Happy Patrick's Day. Kiss me and pretend I'm Irish

I feel a little: bouncy bouncy
If I could sing it would be: 'Powerless' by Nelly Furtado

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The Book QuizCollapse )

I feel a little: amused amused
If I could sing it would be: 'Its My Life' by No Doubt

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So yesterday was a skiing day. Just the girls and the coaches, which is becoming quite a frequent occurrence. I think its probably because the three of us are friends outside of skiing, so its a bit of a social thing. For example, Anna and Laura are always bickering, and I'm always on the sidelines laughing at them. They got me back quite expertly, by all of a sudden turning on me and tackling me. We went down in a heap. Mr. Quigley just shook his head.

Quigley was off skiing with one of his friends, so Ross was stuck with the three of us, though we all know he was secretly pleased. Anna and I were discussing it, and he really does love the three of us. On our breaks, he'll sit and watch us banter with a fond smile on his face and we all act like little puppies around him. Its actually somewhat weird. We're always perking up our heads and we all want to take care of him. If he ever falls back a bit, we're all stopped immediately, and looking back worriedly. I think people at Hardwood must laugh a little at us. One of his friends skied up alongside us and we all were laughing lightly about his name. When the friend, whose name was Bob, asked what we said, Ross looked over at us fondly and said 'Oh, its just my girls saying hello' Anna and I had a discussion over it last night, and I can see now we're almost jealous of his daughter!

Speaking of Anna, after skiing she came over. We hung out round the house for a bit, and then went to my brother's hockey game. What an exciting time that was! One of the kids got hit extremely hard in the neck and had to be pulled off the ice in a stretcher. Anna was quite thrilled- she's never seen anyone get strapped on to a stretcher before. We ended up losing...I think the score was something like 5-2.

Back here we watched Nell and had dinner. After supper, we went up to my room and talked for almost three hours on topics ranging from skiing, to the afterlife, to shit at school. We eventually went downstairs and watched Pretty Woman. I fell asleep about halfway, but I had plenty of time to eat a lot of ice cream before doing so.

Anna left at eleven this morning and I was left with an entire day to entertain myself with. I eventually ended up going for a walk- and had an episode. I was walking through the bush behind my house, when I ran into a blue string. Curious, I looked around and realized it was roping off some sort of shelter. It was very poorly built- made out of somethings salvaged from a junkyard. There was a little fireplace set up and a fire was lit. I was mystified, and then I heard someone moving behind me. I turned around and saw someone moving through the bush. Frightened out of my mind, I ran away. I suspect I looked very foolish. An almost fully grown woman, running through the brush, eyes wide and panting from fear.

I thought about telling my mum about him. I'm referring to the owner of this building as 'him.' I mean, I'm not entirely sure he's allowed to take up residence on the back of our property. But, I decided not. The poor bugger probably doesn't have anywhere to go, and I'm not going to have him evicted. I might leave some food for him tomorrow. Its cold tonight. I hope he's warm.

I feel a little: drained drained
If I could sing it would be: 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough' by Michael McDonald

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I'm looking at this blank box. And then I realized I don't want to update.

Strange how that works? Yet I still pressed the update button.

Ha.


quite result
Quiet Girl


What kind of little girl were YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla

I feel a little: amused amused
If I could sing it would be: 'Eye of the Tiger' by Survior

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Its good to know there is someone out there looking out for you. They know you somehow, even if your acquaintance hasn't been very long. They don't have to ask after you, because they know your every facial expression. When you pass them in the hall, they'll reach out and squeeze your shoulder if you're looking down, or they'll call at night, just when you start to get lonely and wonder exactly what the point of it all is.

And its great to have someone you can talk to. Someone whose door is always open, who, when seeing you come knocking at his office door, steps aside and welcomes you with a hug. You can sit down and eat chocolate and throw things back and forth and talk about everything under the sun. You can tell him about the fact your friend wants to top herself and about the way way your dad makes you feel like shit every time you don't act like a perfect little angel. You even know, though it hasn't been said, that if you ever need any dad things, you can turn to him instead.

But it is absolutely fucking amazing to have the very same person, pass you in the hall when you're having the shittiest day, take one look at your face and then take you somewhere quiet where you can just cry. It is so wonderful to have that very same person be the one person whose smile is irresistible. One of those smiles that lights up their face and makes you want to smile back, no matter how awful you feel.

I have been so blessed with a person who embodies all these things. He always calls at the right time, and knows when to give me a hug. He even knows enough to make sure no one else knows just how much you rely on your relationship. So many times I've felt like there was no way I could get through a day, and then he'd tell me I'll be all right and suddenly, the day gets shorter and its easier to breath.

I don't know what I did without him or how I'll manage once he's gone.

I feel a little: nostalgic nostalgic
If I could sing it would be: 'Look Through My Eyes' by Phil Collins

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Chewing on the end of a pen always makes thinking easier, I think. So as I sit in science class, I chew on my pen and pretend to be listening as Mrs. Noble explain thermal energy. But I'm not really listening. I'm staring at a piece of paper with two phone numbers written on it and a quick message.

My eyes drift over to an empty desk. Why is it empty? She said she'd be here- promised we could talk. Thats why he gave me the phone number last night, so she and I could talk about it today. She said she would, but now she's not here. How could I stop my mind from jumping to drastic conclusions? I know they're starting to worry about me. Quigley approached me this morning and asked if I'd eaten breakfast. Ross told me to go to bed before hanging up the phone. Even friends are starting to wonder, I think.

But she's not here today. Where could she be? I need to talk to him. He gave me advice on what to do if she'd talk to me, but what do I do if she won't? I've never been this scared, this... completely lost.

So I haven't been sleeping or eating? How can you do so when you're sick to your stomach with worry every waking minute of the day? Have you ever had the feeling when you just want to be a little girl and curl up on daddy's lap and listen as he tells you it will be all right? I have that feeling right now. Only my daddy thinks I'm a useless twit with nothing constructive to say. And his replacement is away.

Hollow.

I feel a little: worried worried
If I could sing it would be: 'If God Were One of Us' by Joan Osbourne

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Hmm, I have happy news and then news in which you can all laugh at my stupidity.

The happy news would be that Colin Firth was on Saturday Night Live last night. He's such a cutie, and I actually found him quite funny. But the best bit was most assuredly when he came on and impersonated Liam Neeson. Where oh where are Nicole and Sara so that they might understand the irony of this skit?

Today we had our 30km ski tour of Hardwood. I was looking forward to it up until Friday night when I realized certain situations in my life would make it impossible for me to be in good health to actually participate. But since I'm stubborn and don't believe in physical limitations, I went anyways. I suppose you can make assumption to what will happen to a girl who is worried about something, is going on four hours of sleep over 48 hours and hasn't eaten since lunch the previous day.

It was bad. I didn't pass out, but I came pretty damn close several times. On the plus though, Mr. Ross finally started questioning me what was wrong and I might have screamed it at him. All in all, it was good to get it off of my shoulders. Sitting in a snow bank, eating Rolos and talking with a ski coach can do wonders for your morale. I cried a bit, and he hugged me a bit and when I got back up, I was ready to go on living.

Its just one of those things that looks weird from the outside but makes sense to me.

I feel a little: tired tired

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Anna and I never fail to have episodes. Or rather, I never fail to have episodes around Anna.

Tonight we went out and saw Hidalgo. It was excellent, Viggo was gorgeous! You can really get into the movie and we both found ourselves caught up in the race- at one point cheering for Frank and Hidalgo. GO AND SEE THIS MOVIE! It's nice to see Viggo get to sit front and centre, rather than sharing the screen with other amazing actors. Aden and Dawn (who was on the ski team last year) were there, so we talked to them for a while as well.

After the show, we walked down to Brewery Bay and had hot chocolate and apple crisp. It seems to be a bit of a tradition- movies and Brewery Bay. Its always nice to sit back and talk to Anna. I can tell her anything and not have to worry about watching what I say, which is excellent.

After dessert, we were wandering up and down West Street, waiting for her dad to pick us up. We saw Ken drive by in his Red Mazda pick up truck and had to laugh, but the most humorous event didn't happen until just before her dad picked us up.

We were walking past this group of guys outside a bar. They turned to us and said Hello, ladies. Are you coming in?. I said no, but they continued to cat-call, asking if we were too sophisticated for them. Finally, I turned around and yelled We're lesbians, asshole!

Strangely enough, that shut them up.

I feel a little: amused amused
If I could sing it would be: 'Family Portrait' by Pink- damn drama dance

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Today we had our drama field trip. Our class headed down to Barrie to see The Greatest Gift. For most of the time I hung out with Marc, which it turns out might have been a bad idea. By intermission, Amanda Allistar, Brad Waito, Tola Opola and Holly Beard were teasing us mercilessly. Brad in particular seemed to take pleasure in it. Now, this would have been amusing, if Marc hadn't decided to play along with it!

He started swinging his arm around my shoulders and asking me if I wanted to go into the back and make out. Even this would be funny, but when Brad asked me quite soberly if things would work out between the two of us and I said no, Marc seemed quite indignant and insisted it might.

The second act's beginning killed the teasing and I'm sure my cheeks were very red by the end of it. However, on the ride home, Brad decided he wanted to have some more fun with me. He pulled Marc out of our seat and pushed him into the back, hugging me to him. He shouted back to Marc "Well, if you're going to pass up your chance, Anderson, I'm certainly not going to!" This, of course, prompted Marc to fight for his seat back and I died of mortification at the following cat calls.

Looking back, I can see it is more amusing than anything. And I can't say I didn't mind Brad. He's hilarious and pretty fucking gorgeous. Thats about all for today. I ate some really gross jelly beans. *makes a face*

We have a firth_daily, we need a neeson_daily. *nods*

Edit: God, I love being motivated. neeson_daily

I feel a little: embarrassed embarrassed
If I could sing it would be: 'Must Have Been Love' by Roxette

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There are so many thoughts and emotions in my head right now, I really don't feel like trying to make a comprehensible journal entry. Its not like I'm depressed, or saddened, so please don't trouble yourselves. I'm just confused. Yes, thats it, confused.

However, I'm sure I'll survive. But, if anyone is looking to get me grinning, they could

make me an icon out of thisCollapse )

I feel a little: contemplative contemplative
If I could sing it would be: 'King of Wishful Thinking' by Go West

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Allow me to just momentarily go against the tide and laugh my ass off over the fact that Return of the King won Best Picture. Anna, apparently we have no taste and missed the entire dramatic plot. **dies laughing once more** Of course, there wasn't really anything else I would have given it to. Movies were generally in short this year, weren't they? All Oscar wanting people probably decided it wasn't worth it to go against The King.

Hmm, one more little important detail.


SCHINDLER'S LIST ON DVD FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER: MARCH 9TH

**clears throat** Not that I'm excited or anything.

I feel a little: amused amused
If I could sing it would be: 'Scarlet Tide' by that Alison Kraus.

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