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Absence makes the heart grow fungus...

I haven't updated this thing in 27 weeks. Its a good job I haven't neglected my pen and paper diary so harshly or I'd be reccomending someone check me for a pulse.

Life goes on. And often it slips by so quickly and no matter how hard you try to reach out and grab it and dig your heels in to slow it down it keeps on going, charging from past to future with the relentlessness of a bull with a rocket up its arse. Time- they say- waits for no man, or woman for that matter. In 15 days I'll be 21. I still don't know how I feel about that...

So what has happened in the intervining time between this post and the last? I've finished university at last, 16 years of full time education have come to an end. Thats three quarters of my life that I've spent as a student. I know education never ends, people learn new things everyday but at least now I don't have to get up early in the morning and drive to a specific building to reccieve it. Now I'm on the threshold of my new life apprihensively dipping my toe in the water yearning to take a dive and see if I sink or swim but at the same time glancing nervously over my shoulder wondering if I'm better off staying in the baby pool. I want a full time job prefferably something actually related to what I've spent 3 years and £9000 studying but right now I'm so desperate for money I'd take anything with a decent wage. I don't even know where to start looking... argh. I want money to buy things that I never seem to have enough left over for from my wages as a till wench. I want new clothes, more books, a pair of new rock boots I've been eying up for years, a full bike licience (which means doing a DAS and paying £300 for the privieledge)

I want to move out and get my own place. Almost all of my friends have flown the parental nest, one of them is getting a morgage. A freaking morgage! Thats like- the biggest thing you'll do in your life next to getting married or spawning. Even Joey and Danny have a house (a nice one too) after all that waiting on the housing list they finally have a chance to be a family together with Ben and they even get a considerable amount of help with the rent from the council... lucky bastards. I love this house, its my home, my territory, the house I've lived in since birth. But I know its not ours forever and the date for when we have to leave is getting closer even though dad is talking about wiating a while before retiring I know I have to leave this place sooner rather than later. Especially now I'm a fully grown woman, you can't have two queens in a bee hive and the relationship between me and mum is fraying more with every argument. I'm pretty sure that will improve with distance when we're not living under each other's feet all the time. I've even cleared out a lot of the crap from my room in preparation for getting a place of my own. I was ruthless, chucking out everything that I have horded for years out of sentimentality including *gasp* my old green lane stuff- yes even the science books! Next its the wardrobe's turn, I'm going to clear out all the clothes I never wear that haven't seen the light of day in months. I'll probably unearth a thriving society of goblins that have taken up residence in the depths of my old forgotten jeans and mouldy socks.

I want to move out so bad I can taste it, but until I get a full time job I can't afford to. Probably still wont be able to afford to when I do get one. It would be wise to get a full time job while still staying with the parents, that way I could save up some of the money I'd be saving on rent in order to gather a deposit and funds for furnishing or doing up the place I choose to rent or save a few months rent in advance so I don't end up poor and getting kicked out. I really want to try living on my own, I might fail horribly but I *HAVE* to try.

Tags:

Bah-farking-humbug!

Once again the calendar has whirled around to that special time of year where I obsess endlessly over what to buy my family and friends, fight my way through shoppers trying to claw each other's eyes out over animatronic Iggle Piggle dolls to the soundtrack of the same bloody festive songs played over and over in every shop and on every music channel and last but not least my mother decorates the house in so many lights I'm genuinely afraid planes might start thinking our garden is a runway and come crashing in the window. That would certainly put a cramp in my Christmas dinner...

The chilly wind has also blow something, or rather someone back into my life when if he knew what was good for him he'd stay in the north pole or somewhere far enough away from me that I don't have to fight the urge to kill him. And I'd been doing so well on the stalker front too, more than two months without seeing him, the occasional text or phone call, (studiously ignored of course) but blissfully, no actual face to face contact! And then as these things so often do, he pops up when I least expect and need him. i.e. while frantically trying to finish a piece of coursework with a close deadline. Sometimes I can sympathise with him, I know what it's like to have an impossible all-consuming crush that you just can't let go of, I've been there done that hoarded the sweetie wrappers and cried into the t-shirt so yes, sometimes I feel truly sorry for him. Other times I just want to tear his thick head off for not getting the damned point. I really honestly don't want to hurt him more than necessary, I've had several offers from my more protective male friends offering their services to 'advise him suitably', unfortunately knowing my friends as I do to accept such and offer would be to have myself facing charges of assisting in murder and disposal of a body. *sigh* And I suppose, for all his stupidity he really doesn't deserve that. A girl can be sorely tempted however when aforementioned stalker attempts to rest his head on her shoulder and babble to her while she's desperately trying to complete aforementioned coursework despite being asked and then told to bugger off and leave her in peace. He even skipped a lecture just to sit and harass me and gained nothing but irate comments in return.

I can live with him being a pain in the arse but I cannot allow him to interfere with my studies, I'm paying £3000 a year for this shit so I'm damned if I'm going to let anything distract me, figuratively or otherwise. I'm really at my wits end, I've tried being nice, tried being subtle, I've tried being blunt, I've even tried being a total grade A nasty bitch but that just seemed to push his buttons. With luck I will manage to avoid him for as long as possible and keep any unfortunate contact as brief as possible until I leave in May, then I'll never have to see him again, except in the highly unlikely event I run into him on the street. Maybe with lack of contact he will lose interest... but then again and god I can't believe I'm admitting this I do still occasionally think/dream/fantasise about the subject of that crush I had all those years ago, and we're talking a good 5 years without proper contact here. Bugger...

Yeah you'd better back down bitch

Well she's scrapped the disciplinary, quite simply because she knows she hasn't got a leg to stand on, I mean, how stupid can she be? We have cameras all over the damn shop, all we would have to do to prove all the jobs were done is replay the bloody tapes. Plus I reckon the fact that we went over her head to the Area Manager and also to *his* boss to make an official complaint. Its a good job I went researching the grievance process huh? One of the many reasons I stayed in touch with my old pals in management at Tesco. They can explain the rules to me cause I'll be damned if the Goat would teach me how to make a complaint about her heheh.

I think once she realised we weren't going to just roll over and take the disciplinary quietly she started to worry, and I reckon those rumours that we would raise a fucking rebellion if we got sacked gave her cause for pause especially since we had a lot of support, if me and Paul go, the Post Mistress goes, if she goes her two support staff go, if they both go two more of the shop staff are going with, leaving The Goat with, like 3 staff...giggle.

Of course I know she's still a threat, I'm just going to make sure she can't possibly get me on anything, which means taking extra special care not to screw up and keeping my eye out for potential pitfalls she keeps placing in my path to catch me out. Stupid Goat forgets who she's dealing with, I have outsmarted bigger scarier and smarter people than her.
The Goat is going down. She had stepped up her plans to rid the shop of its old staff, I was wrong in my assumption that she wanted rid of just the younger staff members, it is in fact all of the longer serving staff she wants rid of and I can take a good guess at why. She wants new and inexperienced staff that she can walk all over, staff that will be afraid of her and most importantly, staff that do not know their rights while working in a shop.

She had been systematically making things harder for us. One such ploy is increasing the number of tasks that must be completed after the shop is closed before we are allowed to go home. Bear in mind that we only get paid until 11pm and the shop closes at 11pm, after everyone leaves (and we often can't hurry them out until after 11) the shutters go down we have to
- 'Face up' which means pull all the stock forward to make the shelves look fuller and tidier
- Sweep and mop the floor
- Empty the bins
- Count up our tills, count the till float and then count the cash in the till against the print out of how much we should have in the till
- Bank the profits
- Count up all the change in the safe
- Set the alarms
- Bolt the shutters to the ground with the new ground anchors

All this in time that we are NOT being paid for and we routinely don’t leave the shop until after 11.30 sometimes even closer to 12 and even beyond that if for some reason something goes wrong for example the alarms wont set or the shutters get stuck.
Its a bitch but I was quite prepared to keep my head down and just work the next 6 months or so until I could leave Uni and follow my chosen career... The Goat has other ideas

I got a phone call of my Shift Manager to say we both have a disciplinary comming on Friday because apparently when The Goat walked in this morning the shop was a mess, the floors hadn't been swept and the shelves hadn't been 'faced up'
BOLLOCKS. I know for a fact they have since I damn well did it, me and Paul made sure the shop was as close to spotless as a shop like that could be. This is just another way for her to try and get rid of us, one more disciplinary after this and she can sack us. And if she does that you can damn well BET I will be doing her for unfair dismissal or sue her ass for bullying in the workplace, oh and the depression that caused, yes Your Honour, I felt so bad I couldn't bear to walk back into that place not even for a pint of milk and the reoccurring nightmares etc etc ...Kaching. Hey I have a bike loan to pay off, I need money from somewhere lol.

If I go it'll go very badly for ONESTOP Sale. I'm not going without a fight and if I do get forced out well I'm going to drag out all the dirty laundry. All the illegal shit that goes on there will be exposed and I will have her out of a job. She really does not know who she is messing with, because I will not roll over and take my kicking oh no, I'm the kind of person who will spend every waking moment planning some kind of retribution.

So in order to save my butt in case I do, A) slap The Goat in the face with my letter of resignation (and what a snotty letter that shall be) or B) Get sacked, I'm unofficially asking a few of the managers I know if I'd be welcome back at Tesco and if I could walk back into a job on rather short notice, the answers so far have been positive and in one of the staff's words "We'd have you back like a gunshot"

Oh good. The Goat is making herself some rather psychotic enemies and if she's not very careful she's going to seriously regret it mwahahahahahah *ehem*

And so it goes...

Time has a way of slipping by when you're not watching it, though I'm never likely to be caught watching the seconds tick by on a clock I am still unnerved by how easily a person can loose track of time, and people and apparently online journals... hmmm.

So as my 20th summer draws to a close, not that there was much in the way of sun this year, what's going on in the wonderful world of me?

I have learned that switching jobs was probably not the godsend it first appeared to be, though it is much closer and I certainly save on transport costs the amount of bitching and back stabbing that my colleagues engage in rivals and even exceeds that of Tesco, an impressive feat considering the store is less than a quarter of the size of my old shop. Perhaps it is because there are only a few employees the gossip and poison travels faster. Onestop Sale goes through staff like plastic bags, during my 6 months or so there I have seen 5 staff have come and gone, one sacked, one quit 'cause his mate was sacked, one left for another store, one left because he fell out with the store manager (aka the goat-faced manager from hell) and the others because they were either sick of the crappy job and they equally crappy way they were treated or because they found a better job somewhere else. Our store manager who shall henceforth be referred to as 'Goat' seems hell bent on making life as difficult as possible for the younger staff, hoping to make us all quit since we are all lazy unreliable students etc etc (we probably don't know we're born) and replace us with older more mature staff. Since 80% of the current work force is us young 'uns she's pretty screwed, especially since students are the only ones desperate and daft enough to take on such a job in the first place. Lets face it, nobody works in their local convenience store because they *want* to, right?

Anyway, the wage is alright and the stress is mostly bearable and I console myself with the knowledge that its only until I finish Uni and can start looking for a real job.

One of the downsides to my current place of employment is that it has earned me another stalker. Yes, another one to add to the list. However this is not your average 'meet at the bus stop on day release from the psych unit' type stalker. For starters he's not nuts, well not in the mentally deficient way of my usual stalkers, in fact he's fairly intelligent. Which is worrying, since the nutjobs are fairly easy to deal with and eventually get the message. This guy however is in a class of his own. He works in the shop around the corner from mine, which means he's local and also means he knows when and where he can find me. It started off with frequent visits to the shop when I was on my shift, finding excuses to buy things or come in and talk to me. Now as anyone that knows me is aware I suck at interpreting the romantic intentions of others but even *I* worked out that when a guy come to see you 5 or 6 times a night then something is most definitely up...

Then he progressed to leaving me gifts (I regret the day I used his shop to buy a milky way...) the guy even bought me a sword for my birthday. Oh my Gawd. I tried being subtle, dropping hints that I wasn't looking for a relationship, even went so far as to say I'd just got out of a complicated relationship and wanted to be on my own for a while. Either my attempts at subtlety are just *too* subtle or this guy can't read between lines to save his life.

He's persistent, suicidally so, to the point where I'm sure he must have lemmings in his not-too-distant ancestry. Despite me going to great lengths to tell him I'm not interested he's not giving up. He seems to have decided I'm 'the one' and he's going to do whatever / wait however long it takes to convince me that I do want him after all. When I agreed to go see a movie with him (stupidest idea evar!) the first thing he did was skip around with joy and then proceed to call his mother to tell her the good news... jeesus you'd think I'd agreed to marry the guy, so I had to make it painfully clear that it was not, repeat NOT a date and that we were just going a friends. Later the same day he introduced me to his brother and I overheard him say to his sibling "Isn't she perfect? She's just my type, everything I'm looking for"

O_o I'm seriously considering making room for him under my patio... can't be that difficult to hide a body can it?
I'll never complain about my usual stalkers again, at least I know how to deal with THEM!

In other news I joined a gym run by my uni (hurrah for student rates, take THAT L.A fitness with your ridiculously exorbitant membership rates! Ahahaha! *ehem*) to regain my former level of fitness and hopefully work off some excess stress and chocolate induced arse matter. So far I've stuck it out 3 times a week for 3 weeks and I'm already feeling much better, unfortunately there are no cute males to stare at, just a bunch of sweaty steroid enhanced thirty-somethings, weedy young guys desperatly trying to put some meat on their chicken bones and worst of all , some of my uni lecturers. Damn. I'll just have to get my perv fix by playing MGS4 over and over again waiting for the cut scenes with Vamp. Hot well muscled Romanian knife throwing vampire with long dark hair and a voice like velvet... oh yes, I SO would.

So...maybe its not the booze?

I was sober...didn't help. Still ended up walking him to his car at the end of the night (knowing full well that it was probably a bad idea) Still ended up pressed against aforementioned car and still ended up kissing him. Again. What part of 'just friends' do we not seem to get? And 'friends with side benefits' only ends up getting complicated, I've seen it before and it never works out well.

Don't get me wrong, its oodles of fun tormenting each other but I have visions of the taunting and teasing going to far and us never being able to look each other in the eye again. To put it bluntly I don't want a drunken "oops" or even a sober "oops" for that matter, there will be no oops between us. But that means I have to avoid situations where that may occur and should such a situtaion occur anyway I have to stop flirting with him but I really can't help myself, often I do it without realising I'm doing it and it really is lots of fun...grr.

In other news I handed in my notice at Tesco. It went down like a lead parachute. The look on my manager's face was priceless. They're stretched to breaking point as it is, which is one of the reasons I'm leaving and there really is no one else in the store trained/available/stupid enough to do my shift. So they're screwed. Not my problem.
I did do the nice thing and say I'll work 3 weeks notice eventhough I could get away with 1, if I did leave this week it would mean shit for my friends. I couldn't care less if the managers were buggered but since I know for a fact they wont cop the fallout it will be my mates I'm doing 3 weeks to give them a sporting chance to replace me.
That also means I'll probably have to organise a leaving do. More bloody parties! Argh!

Damn

You think you've dodged a bullet only to be sniped when you least expect it...well the trip to the flicks (date?) went fine, apart from the usual not so innocent comments passed between us (just like old times) nothing out of the ordinary happened, grabbed some food, went book shopping saw a film (which was brilliant by the way) chatted about random stuff, went home. The Incicent was mercifully not mentioned by either party.

Woo hoo for awkward silences when he drives you to your door- and you say something girlishly stupid and cliché (mental face to palm moment) and then you part and giggle gleefully to your front door secure in the knowledge that you're just friends.

And then you get a text message, perfectly innocent save for the 3 x's at the end asking if you'd like to go for a beer tonight, you agree. And then the calendar taunts you. Its valentines day. And you've agreed to go out. Drinking. With Him. Craptastic...

Lucky for you you friend will also be there, she'll be there for moral support right? You can't possibly do anything stupid with your coworkers there...right? Not after the last time. No way.

So exactly why...WHY do you find yourself replying to more not so innocent comments and even suggesting a few of your own? And exactly HOW did you end up pinned against a wall (and traitorously enjoying it) in a move that was not quite a joke-(note to self- DO NOT taunt a horny man) and WHY does your oh so loyal friend ensure the seating arrangement means you're sat with Him and WHY in the name of all that is holy does she inform Him that plying a certain someone with Vodka Redbull will make her as pliable as a rubber band? (Its just as well she doesn’t know about The Secret to making the Suemoo a melted puddle of hormones, only a couple of people know of it, one lives in Hyde and the other is far far away in Portugal)

Yet somehow, even if you are little the worse for Sourz shots and a gut churning ride up a hill in a Tesco trolley (dont ask) you manage to get home relatively unmolested and without doing anything that would inspire further Tesco gossip. Woo Hoo.

Grrr! Just when you think you know where you stand the carpet is pulled out from beneath you and you're left in limbo again. Woo Hoo for yet MORE sleepless nights.

And you're both going to be at a party at the end of the month organised by that ever-so loyal backstabbing biatch friend along with several other members of Tesco staff who seem determined to get us together... And there will be alcohol...
I am SO staying stone cold sober...

She says

Writer's Block: Hard to Say I'm Sorry

Is there anything you've done that you wish you'd apologized for, but didn't?


That question was written just to mock me wasn't it? I hate you livejournal, way to make me feel guilty...Hahaha

Wrung through the rumour mill

I've never been one for gossip...it always seems so twofaced to partake in rumours and frankly I really dont care that much about other peoples lives and now I can see why those that are the subject of gossip get pissed off. Its not something that has happened to me before, I tend not to get seen doing anything gossip worthy- that doesn't mean I dont do things that bitchy people would love to get hold of I'm just good at keeping a low profile- except at staff parties.

Vodka addled as it was my brain registered that been seen kissing a guy by one of the most prolific gossipers in the store was probably not a good thing. And needless to say when I returned to work on Saturday I had almost every member of the Tesco Saturday staff from the managers down to my fellow grunts asking "So is it true then?"

In the end I took to wearing a sign taped to my shirt that read "Yes, Yes I did" but then I got sick of explaining it away tot he customers so I took it off. I still don't quite see how it is any of their business but there was no point denying what everyone already seemed to know. There was one girl who was sympathetic to my hunted look, she was quite sure the same thing is going to happen to her when news of her new relationship gets out. AND YET- Later I learned it was THIS SAME GIRL who had been one of the major contributors to all of Tesco knowing what I did on Saturday night. And that night she had the cheek to text me and ask me to keep her relationship with a guy in work secret.
I was not impressed
My reply: "Oh? Like you kept me and ****(guy from staff do) a secret? I found out exactly who was broadcasting it at the lunch table...thanks, you're lucky I'm not one for petty revenge or I'd have your secret painted in 10 foot letters on the front of the building"
Her reply: Okay I probably deserve that...
Damn right you do! It doesn't matter to me, I couldn't give a damn what ANYONE in that shithole I call work thinks of me, I have nothing to hide but I'm not sure he is so indifferent to his personal life being chewed over by all the wagging tongues in Tesco.

And this is someone who is supposedly my friend. Its a good job I don't trust my colleagues as far as I can throw them with any of my important personal details. Its just unfortunate that I was spotted by someone who simply LIVES to spread whispers on this occasion, I tend to keep my work life and personal life carefully separate, on this occasion they kinda clashed, and there was a witness with eyes like a shithouse rat.... Don't get me wrong, I am not in any way ashamed of what I did, hell no, I just don't appreciate being interrogated by fifty people who want to know the ins and outs of something even *I* don't fully understand yet. Nosy bastards.

I just dont understand...I have real trouble getting my head around some of the things that other people seem to live on. I makes me feel even more apart from the rest of humanity than I already do! I dont get the fascination with reality TV or fashion or celebrities, I don't see why the fact I hate kids makes people look at me like I'm crazy, I don't get why people believe in things that have been proven a million times over to be untrue, I don't get why people make a fuss over the dead and I DONT UNDERSTAND why people feel the need to gossip about shit that in the end has fuck all to do with them. Its mind boggling. Petty, dishonourable bitchy shit that people wouldn't have the guts to repeat to your face. Will you DIE if you dont find out if I really did snog that guy at the staff do? No, so why do you care? Do I know you? Do I even talk to you? No, so what do you care? I wouldn’t care if I found out you if you finally got with that girl you always liked from checkouts or got into a fight with that dude from security because ultimately I doesn't affect my life in any way. I can count on my hands the people I like in tesco and I only need one hand to count how many I trust. You can always trust people to be untrustworthy. And people wonder why I'm so guarded all the time?!

Pancakes and Questions

Yay for pancake day, along with Crimbo Shrove Tuesday is the only christian date I will acknowledge, not because I'm a christian (quite the opposite) but because I LOVE PANCAKES! Not crappt greasy thin ones that you get in stores but thick, spongey, proper mum's recipie pancakes with butter and honey. No store bought pancake batter here, homemade from scratch with sugar, eggs, milk and self rasing flour.....*drools*

Anyway I'm coasting on a sugar high right now so I'll do one of those daft Meme things I've been sent for kicks

Before you answered this list what was-
Last thing you ate: Pancakes..mmmmm pancakes....
Last thing you drank: Redbull, woo hoo for caffiene addiction
Last person you spoke to on the phone: James, for over an hour and a quarter most of it spent laughing
Last song you listened to: 'I'd wait for you' by Elliot Yamin (thanks Danny for showing me this song!)
Last film you watched: Labyrinth on DVD
Last person you hugged: Either Joanne or my godson, can't remember who I said goodbye to first
Last person you kissed: See last post (mwahahahaha *dies*)
Last time you laughed: I laugh everyday, several times, often for no reason but usually at my mates, myself, a random memory or something sick and twisted
Last time you cried: Dont remember, doesn't happen often
Last time you danced: Saturday at the staff party to 'dont stop me now' by Queen
Last time you showered: This morning
Last time you went on Holiday: July/August, Portugal. Still haven't quite recovered from the giggles and liver damage

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