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Time:04:26 pm
Current Mood:creativecreative
yay. xxangstyxx is the new journal. Add me, yes?
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Time:01:57 pm
-squee- I've got a new journal. Yes, I do. I'll add all of you as soon as I've made it.. better. -l-

<3 <3 Babu, I love you. :) I'm going to work right now but should be home by 4. -mwah-mwah-mwah-
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Subject:Because I love to keep you hanging on..
Time:12:56 pm
Current Mood:chipperchipper
I was supposed to write an update for Marbear.. but I wont.

:) You'll have to give me a call, when I'm actually HOME. -l-
say :)
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Subject:My birthday
Time:06:05 am
It's 6:05am and I havent gone to sleep yet. :) Yay. I wanted to call Jay at about 4 am but I thought he may be sleeping so it was a no go. :( I miss him.. and I'm sure glad to be home.My tummy feels sick. :(

My weekend was okay, minus the gambling. I dont gamble but mom does so I either stand around and watch her or sit in the hotel room. :(

Ooo on a good note: I stoped by Target and they had my highlighting kit on CLEARANCE! sweeeet. I got 3 boxes and one box of black hair dye.. juuust in case I wanna go back to m'natural color.

Anyways, yeah. I'm gonna find something to do. <3 I love you babu. I hope to see you soon.
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Subject:Gift Buying Idea.
Time:06:58 pm
Current Mood:sicksick
If anyone is looking for something to buy me(or any other simplistic jewelry loving, romantic) for my birthday/valentines day..

look here. I like this.

Clickity.
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Time:02:19 pm
Current Mood:contemplativecontemplative
This lovely journal is about to go "friends only"

but the only ones that ever read it are on that list anyway. :)
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Subject:Quite productive, yes.
Time:08:00 pm
Current Mood:busybusy
Wow, from the way this day started out I thought for sure that I wasn't going to end the day without punching atleast one person in the damn head.. BUT.. things actually turned out alright.

I worked today and got in a few hours, all why Babu was at school. Niiiice. Got lots done at Grandmas. I got all of the things she wanted done PLUS organized most of her new photos and hung a couple up/reorganized them. I vacuumed the house and did the floors, too. Total bonus.. I didn't think I'd even have time to do HER list of "to do"s .. let alone mine.

I got home and Jay's hat finally got in. I ordered it forever ago.. and it finally got here. I tried it on, teehee. It looks horrid on me though. It makes my head looks small. -l- ick. SO, when pay-day rolls around I can finally wrap everything up and get it ready for V-Day. I'm so AHEAD of schedule that I can't stand it. -love to my bebe-

Annnd.. on top of all of that I've only got to wait for my Home Depot W-2 to roll in for the whole 2 hours I worked there. -l- Stupid place.. I can't figure why the damn w-2 isn't here though.. I have everything else ready for my taxes besides that. Fuckers. :(

AND.. when does American Idol come on? I LOVE that show.. even though I have to leave the room occassionally to avoid that horrible singing. Gah. I can't sing, but I don't TRY..-l- and on national TV? Those people have balls.. I kind of envy the fact that they're not affraid to fail in public.. they must be incredibly strong.

I've been thinking about writing a letter to my cousin Laurie in Virginia. :\ I want to go down south and see my friends and family SOOO bad but it's just not in the cards right now.. but hopefully if I atleast get some communication going with her I can have atleast ONE reliable connection! -l- The rest of my friends are great they're just not the type of people that I'd want to wager the roof over my head on. OOo, southern accents. I do love me some southern folk. <3
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Time:01:30 pm
Current Mood:energeticenergetic
Gaaah. I woke up in a stellar mood. I haven't felt this good in ages! Unfortunately I have to scuttle off to work for a little while and earn some cash. :( Oi.

How the hell do you tell a friend, a very CLOSE friend, that you're not at all impressed with someone they're dating's appearance. I don't even know why she asks me. I don't find white men attractive. I just... can't... do it. I know when they look okay, I know when they're kinda oogly.. but I don't find them attractive.

"Would you date him?"
..."no."
"Do you think he's attractive?"
..."no."
"Do you think he's A LITTLE CUTE?"
..."sure."


The guy is NOT ugly, but he's not something I would look twice at. Why is that so hard to communicate?
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Time:10:03 pm
Current Mood:sleepysleepy
I spoke with Pam today and it seems as of a week ago Tony was doing well. That's good to hear. I honestly hope the best for that guy, he seems to get a lot of hardships thrown at him. I've got to call him but it probably wont be for a while because I missed payday last friday. I totally spaced out my timecard so now I'll go moneyless for another week+.


Living in this house is becoming stagnant. I don't DO anything, my car is broken so I don't GO anywhere. Since I'm not working all that much it would be great timing to go to the cities and be with Pam and my godchildren but I cant because I can't afford to get my tranny replaced. Grandpa offered to give me his old cadillac but it needs the engine to be rebuilt so again that would involve looots of money. The only good thing about not working all the time is that I'm home when Jay is and I don't have to sleep early so I'm not so crabby/tired when I'm around him. Usually when I'm working 6-2's and Jay's only home late in the evenings I'm ready for bed and PISSY as hell when he's trying to spend time with me. Not to say that I don't have my pissy moments now. I don't even understand them sometimes.. I'm not even angry about anything.. it's just like it takes too much effort to SPEAK. I don't want to have to do anything. Maybe it's a form of depression? I'm not sure.. I certainly don't feel "sad" or like I want to die. :| Just a weird tired feeling. My old doctor said I had "seasonal depression".. maybe that's it? Ack, who the hell knows. Everyone has bad days, maybe I should just chalk it up to that?


I agreed to do some work for a friend, volunteering at his website but I'm really confused as to what's going on. There are some people who take charge and decide THEY are going to do something, and then there's me who waits to be told what I'm supposed to do. That's probably not good but it's not my space and I honestly don't want to step on any toes. I'm sure it appears I don't have as much desire to involved as others.. I just don't know what the plan is. I think I expressed that though, hopefully it's understood. :\


It's weird when I sit and think about the different areas in my life where I'm submissive. Sometimes I'm the most outspoken, hold nothing back, in your face person.. but in other situations I'm SO withdrawn that it's kinda sad. When people piss me off, I get angry and say what I'm feeling.. even though I usually end up feeling bad for doing it. When people hurt me, I hide it. When I'm happy, I hide it. Sexually I'm COMPLETELY submissive although the idea of being submissive bothers me. Ew. I'm not talking that "tie me and put a leash on me" submissive, I'm just more comfortable letting my man make the decisions.. I honestly get more satisfaction from him getting what he needs than I get from getting off myself. I'm a giver, I guess. But, so is he.. and that's looovely. -grin-


Anyways, I've rambled enough.. I think it's time to stumble off to bed. Spend some quality time with my tired babu, and then get some sleep.
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Subject:I love you.
Time:10:42 pm
Current Mood:calmcalm
Dear Jason,
5 years ago you walked into my life. You had a puppy-dog icon and when we chatted you'd "lick me" on the face. I was at an age where I was convinced that being a hardass was the way to go.. it was the only way to be safe. You said that my bitchyness is what drew you to me, and I can't believe that me acting foolish is what brought you into my life.. but God must have been smiling on me, anyone else would have walked away not thinking twice. I don't think that either of us could have imagined that chatting occassionally, on evenings when we had nothing else to do, would have changed our lives.
Remember in the beginning, how we'd snicker at the other people in the chatrooms who'd say that they'd love eachother forever. What the hell is forever in online-lingo? I think we decided it must mean a week. We resolved that we'd never say forever.. we were young.. and the fact that we'd "broken" up 12 times in the first 2 months certainly didn't help, either. ;) I know that you beat yourself up about the past, you do it a lot. You and I BOTH know that everything that happened in the beginning was a result of my own insecurities. I honestly didn't expect you to hang around. The guys that I was involved with online were just something to do when I didn't have a party to go to.. or I wasn't expected to be at volleyball/softball practice. The only thing I gained out of the "relationships" I had, and the main reason for my flirting was because I wasn't secure in who I was. For some fucked up reason, I needed the attention of every guy that would give it. I didn't feel ugly when a guy told me he wanted me.. and I let all of that hurt you. I'm sorry. It was never because you made me feel I wasn't worth enough.. or that you didn't tell me that I was beautiful enough. I never flirted because you weren't around to give me attention, I didn't flirt because I didn't understand that I was flirting. I did it to satisfy my ego. I didn't realize this in myself until recently, and I feel horrible. I just want to let you know this.. I dont want you to be bothered with it anymore.
I've finally come to the realization that I come back to you EVERY time for a reason. I love you, I've loved you since I met you. Not the point where we first said hello in the chatroom.. but when I first got to know you. When you first told me your secrets.. and you let me tell you mine at 4 am in the morning, with a final in 4 hours. You've been remarkably stable when it comes to being there for me. Considering everything we've been through there's never been a point where I didn't feel I could turn to you other than those shitty 6 months that we were seperated. That's 4.5 years of total devotion that you've given me and I only hope that I'm able to give that to you in return.. for the next however many years we have together.
There's nobody else out there who holds a candle to you, bebe. I've never met another man who's loved a woman as much as you love me, as much as you're devoted to me. The worst thing you've ever done to me is love me TOO much. You loved a girl who wasn't sure how to be loved and how to love back. I'm sorry for that, too. I'm sorry you didn't find someone better. I'm sorry that I didn't appreciate what you've been giving me for SOOO long. I want so badly to be better for you. I want to give you, and make you feel, everything you've given to me.


I can't wait to marry you, babu. It'll be the best day of my life. But regardless of any ceremony, any legal paperwork, I'll always be yours. I'm just sorry it took me so long to realize that.
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