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Where's All the Rain?

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Thursday, January 20th, 2005
2:18 pm
I know Im a horrible person. I dont derserve you. I have never done this to anyone, but i can relate to how it feels to be in your shoes. I want to be with you, Catherin. No one else. I know that what I did was the stupidiest thing that I could ever do. We get angry, we say things, do things, and this time I really screwed everything over. I love you, Catherin. I care about you, and worry about you and wait for you. I think about you at school, at work, even if your in the next room. But I understand that you want your space. Having me spend the night, always trying to cuddle up with you, probably is the last thing you want from me. I dont know what you want from me. I am soooooooooooooo sorry.
Im not a creepy, or nasty or like any of those other guys in the past, I made a horrendous mistake and now I have to deal with the consiquences of my actions. I want to still be with you, but apparently Im the weaker person in the relationship. I just want you to know that I do love you more than anyone else in the whole world. I really wish we could go back to what we were, but I know that would put you in an incredibly uncomfortable sitaution, and the last thing you want is to be uncomfortable. Just, when you think of me, think of the good things and remember that I still love you, I really, really do.
Find me in 5 years, ok?

(4 Echoes | Anyone out there?)

Friday, December 17th, 2004
1:10 pm
So there is this one girl that I think is really really awesome. She is all that there is to be and more. Not only that but she smells great too!!
Yeah you know its you =)

So, Im off to go and find myself something to wear tommorrow night. I just dont know if I should go for some black slacks or something a little more colorful like tight rainbow latex trousers. Oh well, you'll just have to wait to call me tonight to find out which route looked the safest. Aren't you excited?

So, Im back to tuning engines at school, and I honestly feel alot more confident the second time around. Sure, this confidence comes with 1,000 dollar price tag but you know, I might need this.

My mom and dad just called. Their picking out a tree today with the grandkids. Its kinda funny cause for the last three years running we've bought one from the same tree farm in Hood River. None of us kids would ever want to go, but in the end we were there, having a good time. Thank you Mom n' Dad for putting your foot down and shoving me (sometimes forcefully Im sure) into the van every Holiday Season =)

And with that, its off to go and shop. Wish me luck?

(please do, I have no idea what Im doing!!!)

(1 Echo | Anyone out there?)

Sunday, December 12th, 2004
6:18 pm
I know you will always be loved by so many other people and that you dont need mine to feel complete.
Your not running over here to say your sorry because you know that there is nothing to be sorry about.
You know that the time we spent together is a blink in your life, easily forgotton, mundane.
I was nothing special in your life, nothing I did or said stands out.
But I love you Catherin. I just dont know how to love myself. And if I cant, how can you?

( Anyone out there?)

Friday, December 10th, 2004
2:54 pm - Today I am sad
Today I was late to school. Today I might've houred out on the last day of the Phase. Today I stayed at school, finished my tests then I came home, read a book, watched a movie.
Today Ariane called:
"Hi Kyle its Ariane."

"I sent you an email, did you get it?"
"Yes I got it."

"Ok, I wanted to get your address so that I could send you your belated happy birthday/christmas gift."
"Actually I'd rather that you did not know my address."

"Oh, ok."
"I would actually like it you wouldn't call me anymore or try to contact me."

"Have a wonderful life, ok?"

I hung up before she could say bye. She was crying. Cutting the last string hurts, but Im not sad about it, its just a big emotional step to take on a day thats already emotionally charged. Today I have to go to work, right now. I feel like running away to some big place where no one will notice me, know me. I wish I could see you right now, Catherin. Today I didn't wake up next to you, and I was sad. I miss you so much right now and I've tried calling, but its ok, because we all have things to do and your not answering because you dont want to. I need to cry. Today has been hard, and Im hoping work will be better. I hope your day was wonderul.

( Anyone out there?)

Monday, November 29th, 2004
3:04 am
Just hanging out at the computer commons at ASU. Lots of fun. My eyes hurt, my face hurts, my leg hair hurts (long story.) But heh, hope everyone is having a great night?

( Anyone out there?)

Saturday, November 27th, 2004
1:54 am - Not next to you>?
Im such a loser
Why am I at the computer and not next to you>?

( Anyone out there?)

Thursday, November 25th, 2004
2:12 pm - Thanksgiving
Catherins Stuffing ROCKS!!!

( Anyone out there?)

Thursday, October 28th, 2004
11:55 am - The big "M" and other thoughts
So, I feel so happy right now. I feel wanted and loved. I feel good. And now for random topics Im sure that will take up many, many hours of everyones day =)
Marriage is something that comes after love. Not before it. Marriage is the cultivation of two people becoming monogomus to celebrate their relationship. You dont get married to love someone, or to change someone, you marry eachother knowing that you love and care for eachother and will change together. You are together. You dont get married for security reasons, you dont get married to keep the other person from seeing other people. Just as you wouldn't, shouldn't get pregnant or threaten someone just to keep them around, the same goes for marriage. You dont need to know yourself to love some else. You dont need to have everything together and set to get married because if you believe that everything will stay "peachy" then you are an uninformed casulity of assumption. Things go wrong, and there are hard days, and if you truly do love the other person, then the things that do go wrong, and the days that do get so hard, will melt away because you both face it. Together.
For me to get married, The other must first and foremost be my best freind. We need to be able to get mad at eachother, and argue, and get sad, and happy, and just feel/live life: Philo. We have to be comfortable with eachothers bodies, our opinions, our lives. We have to give and expect not to receive anything back: Agape. We have to be passionate, you know, the wanting, the caring, the everything that is: Eros. Three types of loves, one person, a big expensive ring and a whole lot of life to go and live.

I think I left my lights on again. =) I rock.

I am a snowboarder
I am somebodies husband, father, son
I am loved and I know it
The rain makes me feel happy when in Phoenix
Seeing people smile makes me feel awesome
Helping people is what I do
I love life
Being held and feeling wanted at the same time equal absolute goodness
Holding someone and wanting them equals absolute awesomeness
I say little wannabe-surfer-from-the-middle-of-oregon phrases like sweet, awesome, totally & goodness
Making espresso is the best, drinking it comes a close second
I like the idea of having alot of tattoos that come together but dread the idea of only having a few
I like dogs & not the little wimpy things that you could end up murdering with one careless step late one night while getting a glass of water
I love to hike, in the rain, & sometimes at night with the intention of getting lost
I love the idea of growing old and seeing my children, & their children, & their children grow
I like to drive fast
I roll down the windows when its raining
I love to dance around a fire
Campfires should be a daily thing in my life but are sadly few and far between
Arguing is fun as long as in the end you both respect each other
I find that sleeping by myself is a lonely pointless exercise and I end up putting it off as long as possible
Fair rides scare the bejesus (arealword>?) out of me, but I still would pay the billion dollars it costs to ride 'em
I cant seem to grasp my own mortality
I love it when people try and start a converstation with me
Snowboarding and Cliff Jumping are both so easy and thats why I love them
I always get butterflys before I jump, but I always end up jumping and letting them go free
I laugh all the time at the most mundane things, because pointless or crazy ideas are always popping up
I can laugh at myself, in fact, I do it alot
I love pictures of family and freinds and pets and landscapes and damn near everything
I feel better and happier on other peoples birthdays than I do on my own
I look good all the damn time even though I dont seem to know it all the damn time
Im a little conceited at times
Walking on the beach when its cold, rainy and or windy w/ company is better than if it were sunny and calm
Beach sunsets, regardless of the weather are the best
I've never had the privelage of a bonfire on the beach
I feel bad because I love river, forests and mountains too
I feel that touch is the best tool for communication

Guess I have to go here pretty soon, the people at Will are getting restless and this one guy honestly kind of ticks me off. Hes a dick, and hes always freaking out. Last time I was here (it was rainy and cold outside again) he was being very vocal about himself being very hot and sweaty. Oh well, he frightens me.
Bye now.

( Anyone out there?)

Thursday, October 21st, 2004
1:15 pm - Good Hair Day #3 of 18
Its raining in Phoenix. It hits your skin and you feel so great, so cold. Its finally time to squeeze into a sweater and not look weird. Right now it totally feels like oregon 5 out the 7 days every week. Im so used to this: cold, rainy, cloudy, windy. The basics of my old weather. Total Goodness.
Couldn't give plasma today because they had everyone on hold for some god knows reason. People that had shown up at 10 were still waiting by the time we left (fyi around 12:45.)
Funny how on a day that reminds me of home, all my thoughts keep turning full circle back to Phoenix. More specifically Tempe. But yeah, thats just me being me wanting you to be here or me there. Stuff like that. I sound like so dopey. Nothing against being dopey I mean, but I dont get this way, Im not supposed to cry about anything. So why is it that I seem to when...yeah, anyways, somethings you just dont post online publicly.
Besides a guy just came in and told me that my lights are on, so my ranting and raving and spilling of my online guts will have to be placed on hold so that I may go dance in the wonder that is Phoenix raining. Bye.

current mood: rainy

( Anyone out there?)

Wednesday, October 20th, 2004
11:03 pm
Good night at work. Good night at Willow. Finally saw the inside of Millisa's apartment. It smelled like cat, but the paint was awesome, all blue with a white ceiling. The whole thing reeked of rustic goodness. SO yeah, sweet, off to paly 13 with the sweetness. Bye bye.

( Anyone out there?)

Monday, October 18th, 2004
12:56 am
So I guess this entry has gone from a extension of my creative genuis to a simple order being followed, given by a you-know-who-you-are. But it aint so bad. Aint? Aint anyone?
So yeah, the last few days have been awesomely awesome. Awesomely?
Im at some ASU building, something about a Library. Im not sure, but its big, and tall, and I here. Catherin is done printing out everything. and is giving me a look that seems to convey," You had better be off that thing by the time I return or there'll be trouble." It was cute. I really dont have much to write about. I really dont and that makes me feel kinda bad.

Im ready. Lets go, S'ok? =)

( Anyone out there?)

Monday, October 11th, 2004
12:08 am
So everything is fine. First Weekend without Cathrin. Really kind of a bummy weekend. Didn't do much, but I sure did save money. Yeah, Im working on the whole "Im widly pessimistic" thing. Really I dont know why Im even here. I feel really loner like. But I dont want to be alone. Does that really make any sense?
Maybe Im just being a little too poetic about the whole situation.
So what is wrong with me anyway? I mean, I look good, I have tons of freinds, Im getting out of school soon (as if April is soon.) I guess its the whole, I want to get my life on the road ordeal. I just dont want to run out and rack up some more student loans. I dont want to owe money my entire life, I mean UTI and 22,000 spent there is enough for the moment, right?
I dont think I really have much going for me right now, and thats a little of a big problem. I'm just going to be, in the words of Cathrin. Yeah, for those of you not in the know, Cathrin and I met the day I arrived back from Oregon. Really awesome girl. I fucked up a bunch mentioning my now insignificent past, and well, that sucks. But anyway, Cathrin and I are "EXACTLY" alike. Behavior wise, but attitude, well, shes like the sun, and Im like the moon. Occasionaly you see us together getting along, but most of the time were pretty seperate. Shes cool now. We really hit it off in the begining, but now, well things have kind of died out. Which sucks, but Im sort of accepting the fact that I piss her off. Were like magnets. Like poles repel each other with that unknown force. Wasnt like that til the 3rd night we hung out. I had stayed up for 48 hours straight and just really wanted to be, well, asleep. Now I keep telling her things, you know, trying to explain myself, I just keep fucking up, because I dont like to put a label on myself, or pick a moral code and run with it. Stuff about what I believe in, stuff I do, stuff I want to do. This is a long paragraph. Blueberries (random word #104.)
So, I still like her, but the fact that I "piss her off alot" well pisses me off. What the fuck anyway? I just enjoy...Well, what do I enjoy. I think I need to go blow off steam, and not in a sexual way. I just want to be WANTED?! If I were a female, I would be a whore by now. But being male, How do I feel wanted without the sad, popular choice option of opening my legs?
I havent felt close to anyone in a long time. Intimacy scares the shit out of me. Is it possible to be attracted to someone, and yet still have a "freindship only" business churning around inside? I mean How do you juggle the act of someone being pissed off because of who and what you are the moment, and trying so fucking hard just to get along with them because they showed you, for a brief moment, that there is something else out there. That for a wonderful, incredibly awesome night you did feel wanted, that at that place you just felt right. When Im holding you, are you holding me?
Awesome...yeah, that night and few others were just awesome. Is it time to let awesome go?

( Anyone out there?)

Saturday, October 2nd, 2004
12:39 am - Smoking the night away
At Willow House. Things are strange between Cathrin and I. There's tension, unseen, slight tension. But Im fine with it. We dont really talk to eachother. I mean, what is there to say. Plenty to everyone else. Hehe, I had a good night at work =). Yeah me, I even got out early. Hats off to me.
PS supposedly Jeff was great tonight.

On a side note part 2 of 3: Im not looking forward to a cold bed tonight.

( Anyone out there?)

Thursday, September 30th, 2004
7:15 pm
So its back to being alone. Fun times, eh? I don't really know whats up with me, but I missing something and Im just swimming in it for the momment. Well, Im not really enjoying anything right now. Even here, now, at the Willow House, I feel like a total loner. Well, basicly coming to a coffee house alone where you and your freinds constantly congregrate could be considered a sort of anti-social behavior. I just dont feel it anymore. I mean, like she said, we look good on paper, but in reality, the real world we just dont click. I just hope this isn't some imposing portrait of things to come. In all honesty, I feel sorry for myself. People dont want to here it. Where are my stories of the good times, eh? I'm just creating rainy day, lay in your bed all day, lonely, memories. Something to remember when I finally am just alone, tattooed, pierced, and all those other glamerous details that make us beautiful. To quote Donny Darko,"All living creatures die alone."
Well, Im not dead yet.

current mood: me

(1 Echo | Anyone out there?)

Saturday, September 18th, 2004
8:35 pm - Oregon CampFIRE!! Yeah Baby!!
Its me, fire and oregon, this was bound to happen =)
Read more...Collapse )

( Anyone out there?)

11:52 am - IM HOME
yeah, I'm in The Dalles, Oregon. Loving it up. Going downtown to take some more pics and just see some of the people. Wish me luck?

( Anyone out there?)

11:43 am - TOO MUCH TO UPLOAD!!!
I have a lot of pictures and no time to do an LJ cut, so enjoy =)
Read more...Collapse )

(2 Echoes | Anyone out there?)

Wednesday, September 15th, 2004
11:21 pm
So its Wendsday night, and Im bored off my ass. In fact, my ass told me it was taking a vacation, and never came back. I'm being abandoned by my own body parts, how fucked up is that?
Saw some cute girl here tonight, but never got a nerve to make conversation. How do you approach someone who's completey envolped with a book?
Chess isn't even fun. This sucks. Honestly.

(1 Echo | Anyone out there?)

8:45 pm
So I'm headed home this Friday for about 36 hours. $60 dollars total, so its not a waste =)
Kinda of nervous because I havent been home in forever. Hell, is it even still my home? I dont know, but maybe, just maybe, I still want to come back to Phoenix.

( Anyone out there?)

Monday, September 6th, 2004
9:26 pm
So, Did you have a good Labor Day weekend?
Did I?
Well, compared with the two day weekends leading up to it, this has been pretty lame. Lame like, a dog with two feet trying to mount a cow. Yeah, no sex for me. Almost my one year anniversary. DOes that make me a "new" virgin?
Hah! Im going to be a virgin =/

Keep looking for some pics of this weekend, S'oK?

( Anyone out there?)

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