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June 11th, around 2:30 in the afternoon

So I'm moving to Charlotte, and I know what you're going to say. Or maybe I don't. I *think* that if I told you, you'd say that it was a great thing, that I've always needed to get ot, and you'd pretend to be cool and distant and supportive, like you always were. So I'm not going to tell you that I'm leaving, no matter how badly I want to. I have to be honest with myself. I really do want to. I just want to say to you, "Hey, I'm leaving, am I going to get a goodbye, because I'm never coming back." And maybe you'd stop being cold and say that yeah, you're going to miss the idea that you could see me whenever you wanted, even though we both know it's not good for us. The fact that you could see me every day kept you sane. Even if that were true, and I know it's not, I'm not kidding myself, here, I know you'd never say it. You can't.

But more than that, I think if I were to tell you that I were leaving, you'd ask me why I wanted you to know. And I guess it's because I feel like for a long time, you were the only one who gave a shit. You at least tried, where no one else did. Sure, it fell apart, but what we had before that moment was... it wasn't lonely, anyway. We were not lonely, when we were together.

Also, you're like my last connection to Chris. Stephen says this isn't true; Chris is in my heart, and I don't need PEOPLE to be connected with him, just like I don't need books like Snow Crash or Diamond Age, and drugs, like marijuana. He's within me. And Convict, apparently. Regardless. I have this worry that you never think of Chris anymore when you're with her. That you've moved on... which would be healthy. I'm not opposed to it. I don't know, my thoughts are all over the place. It's GOOD if you don't mourn him anymore. At least not actively, you know. I just don't want her to be... I don't know.

That whole paragraph is a mess.

Either way. I'm getting out, whether you know or not, whether you CARE or not. And I'm excited. And I'm really, very happy. I can't wait. I go out to Goodwill and Walmart and elsewhere all the time, looking for furniture and cheap utinsils, trying to find something that I'm missing. In fact, I'm going to a thrift store today. After I play my genesis and windwaker.

I guess I'll go do that now.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Stream of Con-shus-ness for June 7th at noon.


I am fan of the term, comes by it honestly.

My anxiety? I come by it honestly; at least, that's what my mom says.

Sometimes I wonder if this wouldn't be so hard if i didn't know you really did care, once upon a time. Sometimes I wonder if even remember that I'm alive. You're much like me three months ago, and I'm sure you can't imagine how happy that makes me.

When his arms are entwined with mine, and I can't see anything but the faeries dancing in his eyes, lighting them in different colours, like the faeries in Fantasia, you know that part, where they're making it autumn and wnter and spring... I can feel his breath on my face, and I can hear him saying my name and feel him saying how much he loves me, I don't need you telling me I'm your tiny gypsy. I forget that you used to make my heart skip in all the best ways, and that you knew all the right ways to touch before your fngers turned into fists. When did that happen, and did you stop loving me on that day?

I'm never going to be the girl you wanted me to be, and while I don't know who I'm becoming, I know it's nothing like what you really want. Just like I know you're not what I wanted, either. Really, our fantasies about states and cereal were just that, and maybe we believed a little too hard that we were different.

Not that there's anything wrong with not being different. It happens to everyone, except to your parents and your brother. I'm sorry I made you the black sheep once again. Sorry your beautiful family will never be able to look at me again, talk to me again. He told me your dad looked like he cared for a moment, and that's the biggest consolation I have.

Do you remember that night when your mom found out about my mom, and took us out to Nara and kept saying that I needed to talk and that she could help. For some reason it's linked in my mind with that day at the kitchen table where we all sat awkwardly until we all laughed and your mom said seriously, "Ok, it's time to talk about the elephant in the room." And I tried to look anywhere but down.

I keep thinking if I disappear without telling anyone, that will be the reason that no one misses me. Not because no one knew me, because no one cared. I seem to remember a vague promise, in the back of my mind from five years ago, that I'd never let myself slip into the shadows again, but there you were, and we held back, I don't know what was wrong with us, I'd take it all back if I could.

I'm only doing this because I have some god damn book that tells me it's better if I pretend that you're right in front of me and I let out all my feelings without holding back and stuff. I don't think I'm ready to actually yell at you yet, or ever, so lately I've been writing to you a lot and I think I'm going to go take a shower because I feel gross and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to cry and that feels really great and next time I think I'll write about moving to Charlotte.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Yeah...


yeah.

I believe the saying goes... damnit.

I fell.
Hard.
 
 
 
 
 
 
No one has ever made me feel both so doubtful and so sure of myself.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ok.
So we hung out with him again today... played a number of games in the dark in his living room. It was really really enjoyable.
I feel really at peace when I'm at his house. It's like there's this whole torrent of emotions inside of me all the time, and when I'm with him, they're just calmed. I'm feeling really bad about all of this, kind of, because...
There's this girl he's had this thing with. And I had a thing with his best friend, and as much as Sarai likes to deny it, I can tell she's developing feelings for him. She doesn't want me to sit next to him, that's the main giveaway. I don't want him to become the next Bryon. I don't want our friendship that we're developing to fall apart. I enjoy being with him. He really makes me smile.
But tonight, sitting in the dark, I kept looking at him, catching his eye... or trying not to, actually. It felt weird, kind of creepy. He was sitting off, alone... I kept wishing he was sitting next to me.
Crushes are fun when you know how unreal they are, aren't they?
He has these great eyes that make me want to write poetry. And he's gradually opening up more and more, not being so quiet and shy. He's really cute when he's quiet, but I love his voice. I heard him sing the other day, last night, actually, and I love it.

I hugged him tonight, briefly.

I'm thinking if I don't catch myself, I'm going to fall so hard, it might kill me this time.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Forgot to mention!
We bitched about Bryon with Stephen like... all day. It was super fun, although I think he got tired of it...
 
 
 
 
 
 
FREAKING TIRED.
It's been, like, the longest day ever. I stayed over at Sid's last night, which was good, because I actually GOT SLEEP for once, but that's all. I dunno. He came and picked me up. Because DUSTIN slept in my bed last night.
Wild, right?
So we drove up to the waterfall today. Moravian Falls or something. It was a little nerve wracking with Dustin driving (read omg I think we're gonna die) and by the end of it, I was ready to KILL him. I was just agrhahghrgh. It was just totally frustrating, and I was ready to go to bed for the night, except that it was only the middle of the afternoon's.
So we made our way to Stephen's.
Now, THAT was fun. We played Rock Band and just kind of chilled... I saw Wanted! I wasn't too interested in it, to be honest, but I lovedlovedloved it. It reminded me of Fight Club with the narration and twists and general storytelling. Anyway, it was a fantastic end to a day that started pretty shitty. I really like Stephen. He's pretty quiet, but once he loosens up a bit, he's funny and smart. And he's kind of really awesome at Rock Band. I played drums like a stoopid fool, I kept repeating, "I'm so normally better than this." I don't think he believed me.
I was nervous, believe it or not.
Anyway, it's been a long day. Heading to bed.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Fucking Bryon Thomas Winkler.


Biggest douche ever.
 
 
 
 
 
 
So today was eventful. I was pissed the hell of at Bryon for a lot of it, though.
Ok, so the story goes like this. Sarai and I drive out because we want to make a video, probably to Pink's So What... yeah, we're lame, shut up. There aren't that many songs we BOTH know and like. So anyway. We decide to drive over to Bryon's house and throw shit at his window (like we do) and he's hiding in his room, talking to Stephen? We shot Nerf guns at him! Or Nerf bullets, really. Then he told us Stephen would be there, and we were PISSED, because he was going to miss FREE FRIDAY! Which we have been planning FOREVER.
So we got to meet Stephen, who, from my perception of him, seemed pretty cool. Bryon is like super uptight alllll the time, so I always feel like it's my mission to chill him out a bit, so when Stephen came over to his house today, he got to see that. I hope he didn't think I was a freak. We were sticking Twilight as his desktop wallpaper when he came in; we locked the door, trapping the poor guy in the room with us. He looked kind of disapproving at first, but then he smiled and said he liked ANYONE who tortured Bryon. We tried to convince the two of them to come to free friday at the science center, it would have been fun, I think, but they didn't budge.
So at least the boy has a friend who doesn't seem incredibly crazy and uptight, even if I get the feeling he thinks I'M crazy.