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Life ramblings. [17 Jan 2010|10:57pm]


Well...tomorrow I am seeing my therapist!!! I always think things as I'm sitting lazily around on my ass wallowing in self-pity, and then think "I can't wait to mention this to my therapist!" But then I am sitting in that big comfy leather seat looking into her docile blue eyes and all I can think is "LIFE IS GREAT AND I HAVE NOTHING TO TELL YOU!! NOTHING!!" And we sit there talking about all of my new life improvements for an hour. You smile and seem proud. Then as I press the down button on the elevator and as my feet lift oh-so-slightly off the ground, I feel lighter and something inside me gives, and it all comes rushing back into my brain and I think "WAIT!! LET ME COME BACK IN FOR ONE SECOND! I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU!" But by that point it's too late, and I can't remember any of it for next time.

It's like simply the act of being in that little office makes me feel as though I have solved all of my problems. I'm here! I made the appointment! I showed up! And you have a Master's Degree in counselling and we are making small-talk...therefore...yes! All of my problems must be solved! And this is what I tell you. "Life has changed. I am different. I am new and better and there could not be anything for me to say because I'm here and it's all fixed now". And yet you are a counsellor and not a psychiatrist, you remain with a small dose of naivety fueled by the fact that your paycheque does not rely on shamelessly prescribing me Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors and telling me to drink more water. So you say "That's great, Jessie. I am glad to hear that things are looking up for you". But you mustn't believe me so easily! I am kind and smiling and  have convinced myself of many things, but I am conning you and wasting your time! Often times, I come out of each counselling session feeling as though I am the therapist and she is the patient, or as though it has been a training session for me to become a therapist. But I do not want to be a therapist, I simply want to be my own therapist, and you mustn't let me. You must dig deeper into me and force me to tell you the truth. Second guess everything that I say. Ask, "Are you sure?" and look at me with that certain look that you give when you don't trust someone. That is what I need you to do because I am the master of pretending, for I do not willingly lie to anyone but I often fall so deep into self analysis that I think I have reached the prime level of self-awareness...but really...I have delved so deeply that I am not self aware anymore at all. I have a falsely clear-cut idea of who I am, what my problems are, their roots and all of my motives...but I am so lost in it that I cannot see myself objectively any longer and I am confused, overwhelmed with superficial confidence in my conscientiousness but utterly confused and naive!

New idea? Write down things as I think of them...print it off...bring it to the appointment and force myself to comment on each idea even if it doesn't seem pressing at the time...yes.

Oh my life! My life my life my life...is so tolerable and mediocre and acceptable!! I'm not really that sad...or dissatisfied...or incontent...mainly just bored! And lacking stimulation and excitement. Sexually and otherwise. I wish for my soul to gnaw away at something juicy and savoury and to feel deeply satisfied and productive and happy. I want passionate kissing and fearless sexual discovery and exploration. I want oral sex and blindfolds and ropes around my ankles. I want to be slapped around and thrown and degraded and called terrible names, then held tenderly as we engage in deeply stimulating conversation and talk objectively about our other love interests. As of yet, I am not willing to accept or even consider that changing my career path or studying something different would fix any of this. It is tiring, though. To put so much thought into orbital hybridization and cell membranes and math equations but to care so deeply and genuinely about humanitarian issues, gender issues, art, passion, sexuality. Though Science does interest me so deeply...it is tiring to want to think about anything and everything all of the time...I wish that I could travel so that I could simply know and stop wondering.

To be fair, I have THE BEST FRIENDS AND ROOMMATES IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD which I would not trade...for anything...ever!! How many of you can say for yourselves that you are able to crawl into the bed of your two roommates, who are partnered in romance, and for everyone to equally want it to be a 3-person sleepover. I still have a hard time expressing my love and affection for others (including family and best friends) and often times something deep in the back of my head wishes for me to be alone and isolated and wallow in my own thoughts. At times I feel selfish and materialistic, shallow, cruel, and heartless because of these pressing feelings which tell me to withdraw, to be alone, to say horrible things to people and feel hatred and contempt, to hold grudges, to see the world as malevolent and to internalize the victim character, to assume that people are lying to me when they say that they really like me a lot. To think that I have a small amount of talent and skill and intelligence, but not enough to do anything productive or creative or satisfying, just enough to leave me feeling incontent with the shallowness of human interaction. To feel the need to shake people by the shoulders and scream "DO YOU HAVE THOUGHTS OR OPINIONS THAT REALLY MATTER?!?!" - to feel deeply satisfied with calling people out on their bullshit and ignorance - but then to feel terrible that I have caused the possibility of someone not liking me because of it.

At times like this I think about my ex, Marc. How I should feel guilty or regretful, how it may help for me to painfully analyze both of our heartless, selfish mistakes until I have picked the entire relationship apart into tiny particles that no longer fit together into a coherent idea. How cruel I was to wish pain and death upon him through Facebook messages after his shocking abandonment that seemed so ruthless, yet so necessary...would it had been necessary for it to end that way had I not threatened my life upon the mention of a breakup? But it was then. It's how I reacted at the time. And when I think back to it I can no longer feel guilty and ashamed, for either of our mistakes. All I can think is "Who was that person?" I feel so disattatched from that naive 17 year old Jessie. How could I feel ashamed from someone who is no longer me? We were just like children, selfish and beligerent and unforgiving. It is like watching a movie of all of the things that I would hate to see in two people. Yet sometimes that little 17 year old Jessie peeks out from under the covers. Like a little relapse. And what makes me feel terrible is not that I have hurt someone else by doing so. What feels terrible is that I may go for months believing myself to be entirely reformed, before realizing that I have a long ways to go. What my goal is now is to stop feeling guilty about not being perfect. To accept that my rational and irrational side are constantly at odds with one another, because they are such polar opposites of one another and yet they both belong entirely to me. To, as an analogy, stop trying to wear size 5 shoes when I am a size 7. And to be okay with it. The goal is to reform the guilt and shame and repression of my irrational side instead of trying to reform the irrational side itself. I believe it may be what propels me to act out. The shock and anger that consumes me when my heart starts to beat uncontrollably and I think to myself "I haven't changed one bit. I am stupid for thinking so, and should accept that I have made no progress, I am angry for thinking so long that I have changed when I haven't". That shock and anger of realization, in itself, is what propels me to fall to the other side of the fence. Eliminate guilt and shame - and the problem for which you feel guilty and ashamed will eliminate itself. This is an idea but I can in no way confirm it's practicality, but from the careful and reasonable advice from many closely-observing friends it seems plausible. I am irrational in subjectivity and rational in objectivity, but isn't that such a common issue? Isn't that normal? Does it not simply make me human, and not an unforgivable hypocrite? I am more normal that I would like to believe sometimes...too in love with Drama.

Oh, and have I mentioned that I haven't smoked weed for two weeks? Yeah, I already feel like less of an awkward stoner already...I feel...un-awkward, coherent, and ALIVE!! Wheeeeee!

3 singtome

Wheels pure biddies [06 Jan 2010|11:48pm]
Pure dates every night of the week except tonight

No white boys

No weed

Perfection!
PURE TINGZ

One way to help yourself kick a habit is to list all of the detrimental effects that it is having on your life and to internalize them. However, I have been doing that for a long time and have made countless lists. It's time for something different now.

The following are some of the most common excuses I have been using for the past year to keep myself in the habit of smoking weed. Despite having a strong desire to quit, these commonly occuring thoughts have provided me with a reason to keep the habit around just a little bit longer - it's time to decipher them an to provide an explanation for why each one of the excuses is complete bullshit. Once something is in writing...it's a little bit easier to internalize. So here goes.

1) " What if the people who I normally get stoned with are upset that I'm not hanging out with them anymore? They're going to think that I've been using them for weed. I should get stoned with them once in a while so that I don't upset anyone "
***Well, the reason I hang out with those people so often is so that I can get stoned. So yes, in a way I AM using them, even if they are 'my friends' - I wouldn't normally be hanging around them nearly as much if it wasn't for getting high. And that's what makes it an issue. I owe it to myself, and to the other party, to have genuine relationships that aren't built on superficial things such as weed. Every time I call up one of these friends to hang out - I am doing it with a certain intention, and this won't be an excuse anymore. Furthermore, if these friends truly care about me they will understand why I need to steer clear of them for a while.

2) " But what about when I'm at a party or some other social gathering and there's lots of weed around. If I'm going to be drinking and relaxing at a social event anyway, why can't I get stoned during that time too? It's not like I'm doing anything productive during that time anyway."
***Because going cold-turkey is what helps you to kick the habit. It doesn't matter whether it's "the perfect time to get stoned" or if "I'm not doing anything productive anyway". Smoking weed doesn't only affect me during that "perfect time" - the effects last on for the rest of the day and for the following days too. (Anxiety, paranoia, lethargy, lack of motivation, depression). Each time I smoke weed, it will be harder to say no the next time - so it doesn't matter if I'm at a party or not. In the past, I would go to parties and have a wonderful time even if I wasn't getting stoned, and I shouldn't have any issue experiencing that again.

3) " But what if someone has some amazing Kush from the Amazonian villages of Ecuador that's been cross-breeded with sunshine and rainbows and magical fairy dust? It would be silly not to say "yes" to such an opportunity!"

***Simply put - no. If someone offered me the most amazing, expensive, rare cut of cocaine known to man - would I accept just because of the rarity of the opportunity. NO! Because I don't do coke. If I don't smoke weed either, then it doesn't matter how good the weed is. Besides, the better the weed, the more it's going to knock me flat onto my face and make me entirely incapacitated. Good weed does not equal good high - it just means I'll get more fucked up, and that's not always necessarily a good thing.

4) " But what if I'm chilling at somebody's apartment and there are bongs and weed everywhere, and everyone is sitting around getting stoned and offering it to me. Won't it be weird if I'm the only one who's not high? If everyone else is stoned, I might as well be stoned too!"
***Having weed directly in your vicinity presents a definite temptation for sure. The best plan would be to avoid these situations in the first place, but because weed is such a huge part of University culture, it will be impossible to avoid all the time. However, nobody is going to notice or care that they're stoned and I'm not. A sober person can definitely recognize when a person is stoned - but people who are stoned RARELY notice when a person is sober! I know that when I'm stoned and somebody tells me that they're sober, I'm all like "WHAT? YOU ARE? I could have SWORN you were stoned? How come you're laughing so much if you're not high?" Nobody is going to notice. Furthermore, I can carry on an intelligent, fluid, calm conversation much more easily when I'm sober. People who are stoned can always appreciate someone who can keep the conversation in the room flowing - because it's often hard for them to do themselves. Plus I'm not worried about people thinking I'm "not cool" - I'm 20 years old so that isn't really a problem. Social situations are less awkward and anxiety provoking and much more enjoyable when sober. I can be myself and show people who I really am through the things that I say because they will be genuine and not ridiculous stoner rambling.

5) "But eating is much more enjoyable when you're stoned!"
***That's easy, because I'm trying to watch what I eat anyway. I won't get intense cravings for sugary/fatty/salty foods and I'll be able to practice moderation. My appetite may be slightly fucked for a few days...but I'm sure I can manage that :)

6) "Well, I know that I'm eventually going to toke some reefer again one day. If I already know that I'll do it again sometime, I might as well just take one last hit today...what difference does it make?"
***The difference it makes is that when making this excuse every day, you end up getting stoned every day "for the last time until the next time". There's no reason to put it off or to assume that "this one last hit" won't make a difference. It makes a difference because the last hit is never the last hit. Also, there's no use in thinking about the day that I'm going to get stoned however many months from now. Right now, I am QUITTING - and I'm not going to think about getting stoned again until the day that I haven't been stoned in so long that I don't even care for it anymore and I forget what it feels like.

7) "But, many successful people including Doctors, Lawyers, and Politicians smoke weed and it doesn't affect them negatively. If they can do it and be successful, then so can I!"
***No. Because I have tried to be the "successful stoner" and all that came of it was pure failure. Those people smoke weed - they don't have a drug problem, and there is a huge difference. They have the right to smoke weed sometimes if they want because it ISN'T a problem for them. But it IS a problem for me. There's no use discussing whether that makes me weak, unintelligent, or unmotivated. The fact is that I can't be a successful weed user and they can. That's all it is, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm also not one of those people that's so naturally brilliant that no amount of narcotics can bring me down. I'm not the stoner who smokes weed and then gets a sudden rush of creativity and intellectual ability. I'm the stoner who becomes incapacitated, depressed, and then eats my face off. I'm simply not the "successful stoner" and there's no use trying to prove that I can be - it doesn't make me a more respectable person if I can pull it off.

8) "But I'll be much better at doing whatever I'm trying to do if I'm stoned. It will make me better at school, more creative, more energetic, and in a better mood."
***This is one of the most common excuses that I use...and yet it's the most bullshit one. Being stoned has NEVER made me any of those things. Never have I gotten stoned and become smarter, more creative, more energetic, happier, calmer, or in a better mood. NEVER. It always makes me the total opposite of all of those things. EVERY TIME.

I think that's all for now...if I come up with more I'll add it on!!







6 singtome

[22 Sep 2009|12:16am]
I've been sipping on wine this evening and I came across a cold visual confirmation of your complete lack of interest in me. I hit the delete button. Felt a little bit regretful about doing it afterwards, it's a petty and passive-aggressive way of letting you know how I feel. But not as regretful as most other times. I think it was necessary. I didn't want to jump to conclusions so I gave you a chance, but I think you blew it. Or maybe I just need to chill the fuck out (yes). You won't notice it anyway so that's A-OK with me. Maybe I read too far into it. Who knows. I guess I'm just sick of putting up with you, or the lack of you, and sick of me not knowing how much of this is your fault and how much is mine. I'm immature I guess. Facebook deletion, I had a long convo about this today with my roommate. I can't add you back now. Hmm...fuck. I just remembered that you invited me to your birthday party. But I'm so sure you hate me...I've been doing so well in not jumping to conclusions but fuck, I'm so so sure of it. Dunno?

Life is actually pretty good. Actually though. Just you, but not for much longer, I'm going to forget. I love how my focus constantly shifts back and forth from you and your roommate. Why do I care about either of you? So, so useless.

For everyone else...
 <333 Erik, Tamar, Laura, Kirstyn, Julie, Ev, and everyone else.

I had a surreal weekend. Will only focus on good things soon. Give me a minute, I'm getting there!
1 singtome

[01 Sep 2008|05:58pm]

I am selling a selection of lightly to heavily used high-end makeup, mostly MAC, pictures are included!!

Shipping to Canada is 3.00, and shipping to the United States is 4.50.  Despite my firm belief in having low shipping prices, shipping from Canada is rather expensive and I have nearly eliminated all profit by allowing discounted shipping in the past. Sorry for the inconveniece. Paypal only, CC paypal add 50 cents. I am a new seller, but thus far I have 100% feedback on MUA under j_leigh69 and eBay under porcellana77. No additional fees for buyers at the University of Guelph.

L-R:

Photo #1

MAC "Naked" pigment sample in 5g Everyday Minerals jar w/ sifter - $3
NFS
MAC Old Gold pigment sample FULL to brim 5g jar - $5
MAC Pink Pearl pressed pigment used 2-3x, very full pan - $5
MAC Lovely Lilly pressed pigment used 2-3x very full pan - $5
NFS

Photo #2

MAC Barbie Visionare liquid liner, used 4-5 times - $7
MAC Gilded White powerpoint usage shown - $6
NFS
MAC Pinked Mauve pigment charm atleast 50% left - $6
NFS
Everyday Minerals matte sample size e/s in "Wildflowers" - $3

Photo #3

MAC "Jest" e/s pan pictured in top left corner of quad. About 75% left - $7
MAC "Tempting" e/s pan pictured in top right corner of quad. Used 2-3x - $10
NFS
NFS
Physicians Formula "Plump Potion" Mascara in black, used 2x - $5
MAC "Greensmoke" e/s pan visible chip, but lightly used - $7

Photo #4

Bare Escentuals blush in "Joyous Jennifer", used to be a compatible with Sorbet, Sorbet has been used up but tons of Joyous Jenifer is left - $6
MAC lip stain sample in Specktra Peach (rare!!), opened once but never used - $5
Physicians Formula Plump Potion lipgloss, light frosty pink colour (in my opinion, this works as well as LipFusion which is 50 bucks, I just don't like the colour) used 1x - $5
NFS

Not Pictured:

NFS
Sephora Professional angled liner brush, used but in great condition, will wash before sending - $8
Maybelline Colossal Volum' Express Mascara used 1x - $5
Lancome Le Rouge Absolu lipstick in pink diamond used 3-4x - $5

Thanks for looking at my sale! And now...on to the pictures!










singtome

OMGZZ! [25 Mar 2007|08:22pm]

HIDE AND SEEK!!

COME LISTEN!!!


Soprano:
Jackie Dobson
Emily Butcher

Alto:
Sarah Cooper
Jessie Winokur <<< OMGZ ME!!

Tenor:
Aeryn Ptaff
Marc Peters

Bass:
Adrian Hogan

http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=download&ufid=FEA8FB4F5D581DE3

CLICK CLICK CLICK

9 singtome

[24 Feb 2007|11:38am]
I did a HUGE friends cut, because

- People don't post anymore

- People give their friends (who hardly know me) their livejournal passwords, those people read my live journal and talk shit about me even though they have NO idea who/what I'm talking about in my posts (if you don't know me, don't talk shit, mmkay?) and yeah, my boyfriend and I have enough obstacles to get through on our own without you making things worse by talking shit.
1 singtome

[03 Dec 2006|11:02am]
IGNORE, my e-mail doesn't work so I have to save this here.

Why Grain Silos ExplodeCollapse )
singtome

[18 Jun 2004|12:00am]
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Content:

I speak my mind. If a certain idea or concept in this world bothers me, you will know it. And I don't care if you support what I don't support or vice versa.
I'm a good person, but I'm not a nun.
If you're religious, you do not want to read my journal.
I whine and bitch a lot about things you will not care about.
I write nice stuff, too :)

If you want to add me:

It is neccessary that the above statements have made you smile and nod your head. Please comment telling me how you came across my livejournal or where you know me from, and include something that you have in common with me - there's plenty, just look in my user info :)

THAT'S ALL!


x O x O x O x
Jessie-Leigh



♥                 ♥                 ♥
70 singtome

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