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[30 May 2005|01:52am]
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

you'resosolame. [02 Mar 2005|10:52pm]
I can feel it in the jut of your hips, in the way your lips move when you speak to me, creating shapes I want to tattoo onto my skin in ink the color of your eyes.I can feel it in your eyelashes, so long for a boy, when they flutter across my cheeks and tickle my collarbone. Looking at you looking at me is like falling into a cloud, I can't see anything but you and everything around me disappears.nails digging across backs, teeth on necks,low purring sounds from the back of your throat. You're more graceful than a cat when you move, your joints disappear and you become one fluid motion, like water.I can feel it in the air between our bodies, it sparks like electricity and makes my skin hot to the touch.
4 READY.SET.EXPLODE.

[11 Feb 2005|04:38pm]
OMG IT'S MY BIRHTDAY.
10 READY.SET.EXPLODE.

[27 Jan 2005|02:10am]
[ mood | impressed ]

I saw BRIGHT EYES last night.

enough said.

2 READY.SET.EXPLODE.

[05 Dec 2004|08:05pm]
it must be a sin for you to be so beautiful. your words reverberate in my head, long after you've left, like the erotic pound of thunder as it dances with lightening.
i can sit on rock bottom and watch my soul swim through the air ten feet above - he makes me so happy i could fly, and my knees are weak from wanting to be with you so badly. your warmth twists around a sad sleep, choking it until it becomes a pleasant sequal to a long-forgotten, and you are always so very missed.
i remember the nights spent looking for something tangible and different. and the day i found it. his arms wrapped around me, and the way it felt to have his chest rise and fall against my back with each breath he took. and each time, his arms got tighter, but i wouldn't complain. i felt safe there. and the squint of his eyes when he smiles, and how hot my cheeks felt from blushing every time his gaze was locked on mine for too long. and the way his voice would cut off in the middle of a word, and come back one syllable later.

this is what i wanted all along.<3
7 READY.SET.EXPLODE.

omg [03 Dec 2004|07:37pm]
I'M GOING TO SEE BRIGHT EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12 READY.SET.EXPLODE.

[20 Nov 2004|04:17am]
dear heartbreak, i told you i would win.

[07 Nov 2004|11:14am]
In a crowd of throbbing hearts and foreign tongues two nights ago, starlight and tortured wrists moving with speech. sitting in a diner ten years too old, black and white photos crowding walls and waiters who are like the pictures themselves from being there since it was born.
Last night, dreamed of towers and sickness and jumping and swimming and lying and hiding and guns pointed at hearts and old friends appearing from nowhere and kissing and holding hands and falling in love over and over. Crazy visions dilute reality and hold forever up on a pedestal. I'll never stop.
And lyrics from a song play over and over inside a mind but the mind couldn't remember who sang it.
"We're just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl, year after year"
This is one weekend, out of an entire lifetime.

[01 Nov 2004|02:09am]
She sits at home with knots taking over her insides, watching words on the glowing screen appear before her eyes. Only they're not making any sense and she's killing herself trying to interpret them, mismatched phrases and letters and symbols dancing across her view. She's being eaten away by it, consumed by her obsession to find out the truth. Only the real truth is that she'll never find out. Because his lips have decided to be silent. And she's going to have to accept that. Or she'll fade away into nothing, just like his love.

[20 Oct 2004|02:05am]

Without air i wait for you. This bullet is engraved. Leave a scar with the words. Like basslines and a screaming head this makes no sense except in the unthinking reality that passion creates out of paper letters and imagination.

Bang bang like a bullet to my brain i saw you and love shattered my insides

[18 Oct 2004|04:18am]
i listened to such great heights on the way home today and thought about how perfectly that song fit the wind wispering through my open window and the leaves falling past my car. i think today is one of those where i'll end up outside making realizations that either leave me liberated or lonely.

whatever happened to unity? this whole facade is like a canvas flicked with paint of scars and bright eyes. i'm beginning to think your illusion is that of disillusion and this is nothing more than a mind game. quixotic electric slut.
holding hands underneath the stars is just as good as holding the things themselves.
sewing with pink thread on black material, walking in the opposite direction.
going against the majority and still having the confidence to smile.

[14 Oct 2004|04:40am]
. holy shit i want to stab him. so either i have the flu or i'm just dying. and my head is going to explode.
(show is still on friday sarah)
4 READY.SET.EXPLODE.

[06 Oct 2004|07:03am]
this feels old. but i have trouble leaving things. i'm not sure what to do. after happiness comes emptiness and after emptiness comes.... i've never been there before. i've been searching for inspiration. there used to be a passion behind this, there used to be a story to tell and now i only have thoughts, potential muses and a mind that seems to be repeating itself. i am trying to live, breathe, be by my own terms and yet i am struggling to justify this to myself. be my victim. tragic love song. this is now, this isn't so beautiful. this is what i need to breathe and get through the day. thank you for everything. failed poet. tragic mind. i am i am i am.
2 READY.SET.EXPLODE.

[02 Oct 2004|06:10pm]
you've got metal strands that need restringing. you eat up the spotlight while screaming girls in the crowd would plead to you in the sheets of darkness to lick up the beads of sweat off your eyelashes. and i swear you've hidden a synthesizer in that magic microphone, because you sing your heart out for no one. your hands are skilled and they've been to the mooon and back in the free falling form of lust. there are piles of paper strewn across your floor. you've got ink cuts running to your veins. theres only truth in what you don't scream into that greenlight. you speed by with authority stolen from the sleeping on the lamplight corners. a chorus line and a studded belt for your sheltered heart. your a fucking artist. i'm waiting for the day you retire your ways, that belt, those ripped up cheap trick tees and forget me.

[25 Sep 2004|10:53am]
FORGET EVERYTHING.

he just wanted to kill you.

[25 Sep 2004|02:25am]
One more month and ten more days and twenty more rumors and thirty more lies until your life changes forever. I'll be there, right by your side, and go through every single step with you.
I wake up hoping that maybe tomorrow I'll be able to do something that I desire, instead of complying with the rest of the world. you always were able to talk your way out of things. Can you talk me out of getting my hopes up for next time? I should probably call you but I can't read your signals. So I'm scared to. please forgive me. because falling asleep in your arms feel so right. they will have to cruxify me if we ever have to part.
ink to paper, lips to hands, knives to hearts.
if i told you I loved you, would you stop me from dying?

[24 Sep 2004|04:38am]
it feels like the only thing i have left of the girl with big eyes and dark veils of hair are flashes of her face in the hallways or her laugh creeping out of another conversation and driving itself through my heart. she's replaced our phone calls and le tigre with blonde hair, high cheekboned scholars and pop punk. but i'm always getting replaced with ringed fingers and white trails and glitter that only lasts the instant before it touches your finger tips. and it's ok. i just lift right out of your life.

[09 Sep 2004|10:10pm]
pretty girl with a heart of gold and poisoned words. beautiful boy with eyes brighter than the sun suffers from a heart broken by her ice cold stare.
i want to save that boy.
and i want to hurt that girl.
i want her to feel all of the pain she has caused him.
revenge is so sweet.
READY.SET.EXPLODE.

[06 Sep 2004|03:54am]
but jealousy burns us all in the mere moment that it took for you to remember that everyone feels exactly the same as you do. Would you color these walls and direct this scarsmear graffiti my way? this is my insolent reply and a punch in the face may bloody my nose but blood on my face is just a reflection of a smile in your eyesLike the heartbreak that reverberated across the walls in rippling patterns my eyes burn for you and in the twilight can you see this blood flowing from transparent scars and acoustic echoings of the loss that shattered our intentions. Like the time you passed by me and said it meant nothing this is so important yet so utterly subtle as it shivers its way across my knees. Would you miss me if i died tonight, or would you all just stand in disgust as you watched the body burn? This was never really me anyway. I was never anything beautiful or elegant or special. I was never eloquent, i was never kind. this is all about self expression.

[01 Sep 2004|10:41pm]
Sweet serenity screams so loud that silence was shaken. fuck you and your sensibilities, your rules and contradictory neglect of a moral fabric tied together at your fingertips. Taste your stutterstep delinquincy like roses on the front porch after an early morning rain. In perfection we are crippling and crippled by our own inevitablity and perceptions of sincere beauty are so far and between i want to contradict you and everything you ever stood for just for the sake of saying later that you were right and seeing the look in your eyes. Its all about pride.
Past these skylines acidic twists of clouds could burn through atmospheric celestial bodies and leave a gaping slash in the soul of our world and you. Past gray green eyes and tired attempts at insinuating lust there is a clear blue sky exploding into a crimson sunset. Somewhere beyond the people we are and the people we fear to become there is something smiling at us in shades of pink and gold. And like a morning mist i'll wait for you, in hope and love and eternity i could hover over this ground if you just once understood that i exist in the in between moments. A glimpse and a sigh and it's all over now. it's all over now.

[31 Aug 2004|08:20pm]
if you look closer than the fine print you'll notice i am more than flaws and mistakes. i am so much more. but i'd give up every heartbeat in a breath if it meant you'd speak in body language with me. move with me and not against. those boys with plastic smiles always feel a void when you aren't around but highs have a way of coming down but god i miss you. oh god do i miss you. if i forget to wake up tomorrow; remind them all it was you who i lived for. remind them all that they do not compare. because i think i forgot to tell them.

[29 Aug 2004|06:40am]
i don't understand this.i cannot understand this. i've tried and i've failed.
how can so much be put into these fair weather moments?
how can you pour everything you have into the bottom of the bottle you pass to them?
it'll go unnoticed, unapreciated.
but it'll be accepted. they will take it with both hands and they will take it all.
they will.
they have.
and there's no giving back.
you may let yourself believe that there would be if the oppertunity for it ever arose but there's nothing.
nothing but nights you'll look back on with a certain nostalgia.
but by then they'll be replaced. replaced by new irreplaceables. and the cycle goes on. and i'm so sick and tired of these broken record statements.
this isn't special. this isn't different.
this is the same high we've all intoxicated ourseleves on before, when nothing else matters because you have those inside jokes and handshakes and moments you can barely recall but were so gaddammed funny they need to be repeated every twenty-seven seconds to fight the fear of forgetting.
the memories will fade as will the closeness and the laughter and the secrets you thought you could share.
they'll fade with the phonecalls and the visits and the everythingeverythingEVERYTHING. but this is just my emotions talking, i'm merely another angryforthemoment eighteen year old. i can't possibly know what i'm talking about. i can't possibly understand the world or friendships or reality. i can't possibly comprehend depth or attachment.

the amount of scream trapped in my throat is unbelieveable.

[23 Aug 2004|02:36pm]
I'm trying not to place hope where it doesn't belong, but it finds those little spaces where my defenses can't cover and it overwhelms me. I loved the idea, but the reality was lacking. My dreams are constant reminders of things and people I'm trying so hard to forget, of the green eyed, blue-haired blink 182 boy days. I smoked cigarettes one after another like they're your lips. The tears that crawl from between my lashes are jagged like rocks and scratch at my eyelids. Do people change? And I wonder, like really really wonder because sometimes I'm so sure and other times it seems impossible. But I need to believe because I don't want this again. I want it differently. Like reliable and soft and close to my heart, not screaming lungs across oceans and continents until my throat bleeds. Not the waiting and the wondering that accompanies every movement, every thought, every action. I want to be heard without repetition, without tears and guilt and screams.
If only I could crawl inside your mind and stay there.

[21 Aug 2004|09:42pm]
what now feels like excitement is certain to lead only to disappointment. to be out right shot down or find no happiness within the eyes of the other. if both leads to failure, i believe my heart will shatter into millions of untangible pieces. the only thing that comes from high hopes is a wet face. but what does that hold us to or limit me from? because our whole life is invested in the dream that something good will come from simply breathing. from having a heart that beats within our chests letting us convey who we are through our eyes. our whole sense of being is embedded in the thought that maybe. just maybe someone will see it from across the room and embrace it. embrace us with their arms that save us from the world. from life. from living. that pull our minds of self hatred. and jaded thoughts. that remind us that the world isnt as cold as we thought. because your arms are the warmest arms in the world.

[18 Aug 2004|04:58am]
i draw inspiration from other things/people/places when all i want is to take inspiration from myself. i want to be my own muse, my own glorious thoughts and ideas and i want to have the music already inside me instead of having to listen to it over and over trying to get a feel for something that i can’t even be sure exists. i want to swallow the notes and feel them at the center of my stomach, i want to hear them when my heart beats and taste them when i speak. i want to feel them because i can't and i’ve never been able to. i hear the words and try to understand exactly what it means and how it all fits together in some sort of pattern to fix all the mistakes i’ve made and all the impurities i own like a ruby teardrop cushioned and glassed in and put on display shelves. i’m faceless like a naked mannequin on display at the front of a run-down shop down a back street that nobody will ever see. i’ll grow old and dusty and worn out and used up. i want an artist to crawl inside my system and wake me up. defrost frosen veins and start the blood flowing, my heart pumping, my mind working. i want him to paint my soul like the mona lisa and decorate it with gold leaf. i want him to embed rubies and sapphires into my skin so i can glow from the inside out and i want him to coat my eyes with the sky. i want people to see something when they look at me instead of nothing. just for once i want someone to look me straight in the eye, and never want to break his gaze. i want him to look at me so deeply that i feel naked. i want him to explore my mind and my heart with his eyes and dig deep into my crevices. i want him to crawl inside my mind and know how i feel every second of the day, the way i never know what to say or do, the way i feel so small and awkward compared to the fairynothings all around me. i want him to see all that from just a gaze and i want him to understand it and love me for it. but maybe my eyes are cold and empty and i’m just hoping for something i know will never happen. i don’t let anyone in because i’ve put up my barriers so long ago that they’ve sunk into my world and taken root. my walls are a growing living thing that strives to exist, above all else. i want to write all of my secrets in a book and publish it for the world to see. i want them to know my business and know my past and know my fears so that then i can just concentrate on being. i want to be without all the bullshit. i want to look people in the eyes and not have to wonder what they know or don’t know about me.
i wish i could inspire myself. i wish i could inspire others. but all i can do is want and wish.
this is the point where nothing changes.

[13 Aug 2004|02:31am]
wash my hair and pack your bags and let's run away to another country where the air leaks love stories and every pavement has a novel to be written about. i'll meet you at disneyland where there's no alternative but happily ever after and boy, we don't need a revolution because a cup of tea and a love affair will do me just fine.
and we'll wake up early to watch the sunrise and i'll take pictures of traffic jams and poverty and prove to you that there's beauty in the emptiest of things and i'll thank you thank you thank you for finding the beauty in me.
2 READY.SET.EXPLODE.

[11 Aug 2004|09:39pm]
it seems as if i'm somewhere lost in the back of your memory. i just want to go home now. i can feel you in the simple melodies of this musical we call our lives. tell me, oh artful artist, what has become of me? there were a million things that sent my mind spinning. i'm falling apart. i'm falling apart. i'm falling apart. it'll all be over soon. and i looked away. i'm running from it. and i'm backing myself into a corner. i can feel it. i've made no decisions. i'm deceptive. but i haven't cried. my stomach is aching and my heart is pounding, though. there is something seriously wrong. i'm wishing that there was some right in me. i'm so pissed off. but i don't mean to be. i'm not using you. i'm stepping aside. i'm waiting for something. and i'm crying inside. but i'm laughing. and i'm like nothing is wrong. there was some sort of absence today that i can't come to terms with. i'm setting it aside, wondering if maybe it will be different tomorrow.
loneliness has always been my god.

[11 Aug 2004|01:53am]
all of this was intentional in its decaying reply. You were never.. Turn out my lights and delete this. he was gone and tragedy struck paralysis was a footnote on the pages of this anguish. Literary inversion of truth bleeds off this page and blue orange satined windows sang this song into your ear and into my heart. conversion of deceitful tears turns gold in this pale moonlight as you scream away your impotent emotion. It never seemed to make sense he said and i guess you could never understand how i felt. These heights burn your fears into a pink smoke that could strangle us. So your selfishness was but a memory in times when black and blue were ignorant shades of gray and we are all gray people stuck in gray streets watching a gray sunrise in the spherical standby world you refused not to live in. Just say you can understand me. please just this once because its never felt more lonely in this twisted fragment of existence. I just need you to see me straight through and smile as i bleed away into a shadow. Why can't i see your empathy when your eyes are locked with mine in this contrasted moment that slipped between the cracks into a forever moment with you and me and the haze that slid over everything and inked out our fates in reds and yellows that spoke of a love that would die. Wake up now its over just tell me its ok to die. And this is all my fault and yours for speaking these sick enigmas that could cripple or heal. And who would have thought that you'd never think to read between the lines to see who i really was. This may seem special to you but this is just another night of my perpetual suicide and it never made a difference to you, not as long as there was a smile on my face. Funny how easy it is to smile while we waste our lives. I never felt so small before. and i had nothing to hold onto and tonight this one is for you love and hate emobodied in these digital letters to everyone i ever knew. And the girls smiling on the street when you drive by, they don't mean a thing to anyone but they never seemed so beautiful. Its a repetition of constant worry and a feeling of serenity in the knowledge that i am helpless to get through. this was never meant to be public.

[10 Aug 2004|04:43am]
its amazing. the way i go about living. the way i can inadvertantly fuck up exactly what i tried to avoid. I guess, although without cause or explanation, one half of my heart is slowly sliding away from the other. tearing, in an unshapely fashion. but i guess we all have high hopes for nothing and illigetimate reasons for heartache. wheres the line between comfort and betrayal?
with each step i took, with each passing second, your face became a memory. with each breath, i missed you. as you were exhaled into the night. tomorrow. i'll forgive you. so maybe tomorrow i'll be the bigger person. certaintly not the better. but i will be the one without the guilt. the hatred. the anger. the hindered breaths. i will be the person that forgets. your face has invaded my thought pattern. i hope it sticks around for a while.
READY.SET.EXPLODE.

[02 Aug 2004|12:15am]
my left leg is broken. well not really, but it feels broken.i'm sore and it hurts to move.

today was eventful. woke up at 5:45 am to go to nyc with gary and sara. we went to the metropolitan museum of art after walking 5 miles in the pouring rain across new york city. gross. It was interesting though. we went to see "Maria Full of Grace." afterwards we went to some indian restaurant and ate vegetables that burned our tongues. sara and i went straight to new haven to see MCR, senses fail and..FFAF. The bled was supposed to be there, but they weren't!!!!!! which made it a complete waste of time. i miss my love.
3 READY.SET.EXPLODE.

[29 Jul 2004|11:52pm]
I WANT BIG CITIES. BRIGHT LIGHTS AND INTOXICATION.

i've been a constant timebomb, a riot on mute. Exploding. imploding. with everything imagineable. with love. and hate. and hurt. and happiness. and tears. and hurt. and anger. sadness. art. words. love. love. love. these statements come like a carcrash. and you've been there to watch it. help me pick up the pieces to my shattered emotion that have been fractured by my own hands. you've been there.thank you.
iloveyou. more with every breath i take. so much that it gives that redundant statement new meaning and life. i'm awake for hours on the image of your smile, the thought of your arms around me. you're nowhere near me, yet i'm so intoxicated by you and i'd kill to touch. the words beautiful and love danced through my head to the beat of my heart.
2 more days of this, just two.

[28 Jul 2004|12:18am]
I can feel these words wanting to slip away from the tip of my tongue. but there seems to be some distraction. this beauty is hidden deep somewhere but i've never been one to search deep inside of a dark cupboard. that's always where the good stuff is. so maybe i give up too easily. but then again, i am very good at convincing myself. and to breathe is life, and to talk is to express. and to dress, and music. it sings its form of beauty. books, sentences. nature. water. there are eyes, and bodies. clothing, whatever. there are voices, too. the words just keep slipping.
but where is the justice? and the humanity? and that perfect word, peace? perfection is non-existent. therefore peace may not exist, either.

i'm waiting, and my mind is rattling.

[26 Jul 2004|01:23pm]
i need your physical despite the morals intervened. they say girl give up and maybe thats because i'm only as good as the day you met me and oh i was a wreck. quiet and insecure, just read my eyes. i don't think i could tell you. i need your physical, forget the emotions entwined. we'll ditch work and hang out under bedsheets, i only need one day, but i want a million. i know you meant it for better for worse so lets not bring her into this. it was only a dream; a nightmare. It didn't happen in real life. you can read my eyes like a book; my book. come here please. i am letting them do the bedding, but i'll get down on my knees if thats what you like, just give me your physical. if only for one day. call work, we are both too sick and meet me in between bedsheets where we can collide.

[26 Jul 2004|08:21am]
i remember fragments of my childhood and i'm all smiles at that birthday party. and i remember what its like to be happy, but i took it all for granted. my mother passed more than one habbit onto me. she taught me how to sew, cry, and hate. but there isn't blame in my veins just intoxication. this is messy and useless, so i formed my own revolution while i was sitting under the stars last night, with that dreaded needle begging to be put down. i am a wreck. but i like myself better this way. even with all the help in the world i cannot find a cure and i hate you. i hate you so much just like i turned bitter against her. this year its your turn. your goodbyes were so cold and wrong, that i have no choice but to fight against you. and i'm sorry, oh god i'm sorry. but what for?. this is where the girl who loves too much gives up, for the seventh time today. and its only 8:24 am.

[25 Jul 2004|03:29am]
it's a blurry view, but it feels good. it's like you could pass one hand through the barrier .and there are two sides.
it's laughter for no reason, but i apologize even if my experience was miniscule in comparison to others. i'm just so torn with everyday, and sometimes i can't help myself, either. so i'm sorry if this burns like the sensation in your lungs.
i really hate this. honestly, and with every fiber i have in my body.
at least when i'm asleep i don't feel this. i set myself on fire the other day. engulfed with faultering anguish. my eyes burned with tears that i never allowed to myself to show. my hands tingled with short circulation and my stomach shook with pain-of which i worsened with heated thoughts mindless, ridiculous thoughts.
and today. is different. but i can't stop thinking.

[24 Jul 2004|11:39pm]
i can pretend. my life is heartbreak sealed in fake gold, the type of stuff that rubs of after a few wears. the type of stuff he gave me for christmas, a love heart and chain that so easily broke. and you know, truth be told i have tried my best but i never quite made it. i was always a inch too short. i was just a sentance away from convincing you this was worth the hell. then you hung up. i had a romance with the stars and right now i have a affair with his lies. while his eyes dance across a play screen, look my way i'd be perfect as your lead character. but i'd ask him to give up a chance for everything for a little affair with passion in my cigarettes i know his answer would be no. so silent, hush. i keep my lips sealed, waiting for that day. but my prince got lost in the mail & my refund was spent of drugs. i am a wreck, but i like myself better this way. i don't have much to offer and i am far too depressed for this feeling to be alright. someone said, you never stop laughing, and i liked the idea that i could be happy. i guess they over look the shakes and the tears because i laugh a little too much, i laugh when i dont know how to speak, when i'm trying so desperatly not to cry. today is just one of those days and i don't think i can handle more of these days. and i despise myself for ever thinking you were actually worth it.

[23 Jul 2004|12:49am]
he says i love you in all the random places and i feel like a child. i am only young, but i've lived more than i should. someone should of restrained me and i blame my mother for not taking action. someone should of warned me that addictions are never fun. not even when it comes to you and someone else. he says i love you and i erase what i was going to say, its not important anyway. maybe my timing is off and he can see straight through me. i am not a pretty tragedy. only a tragedy. i am far from perfection that it makes girls like me scream. OH FUCKING DO SOMETHING WITH YOURSELF. you make me want more than i should and all i want is peace and quiet. do you think you could ignore my tantrums when i need attention most, i hate hot weather. i want to know everything about you. but really, i don't need to know anything at all. close your eyes and dream, because darling, beautiful things like this don't happen everyday. close your eyes and dream.

[22 Jul 2004|08:05pm]
i will not say it's mine because i take no possession over it. i could change it. i'm determined i could, but i don't know how.
i'm frustrated with every day being the same as the next. i'm disgusted that i lose track of my days because mondays and tuesdays are equal, and tuesdays and wednesdays are equal, and so on and so forth until monday is identical to sunday, and tuesday is identical to monday again.
it's a domino effect. one day topples over into the next, and there is no way to stop it, and i'm the one counting down the seconds to midnight, waiting for today to crash into tomorrow. but there isn't a dramatic bang or a loud cheer from a distant crowd. there isn't one celebration in any great city because this is day-to-day, any random time chosen out of the year. there isn't the expectation of something new and exciting because, by now, i know not to expect what will not come. i know only to expect routine.
i don't want a revolution. i want a resolution.
I don't want to be locked inside this disappointment anymore.

[22 Jul 2004|12:07am]
i wished all my luck on one set of stars and without looking around, i fell straight down. i have admiration where hate should be and even though i've tried, i cannot forget you. my name changes with the weather, but thats not as frequent as i'd like. on the days of bright skies i like to pretend i am penny and i have a million friends, what would make you be so special? but i slip and i say i love her. i fucking love her. and across the globe i can hear her shiver, wanting nothing more from me. i am all i can be, take it or leave it. scratch that, just take it. take me anywhere but here. i'm alive, but just barely, you cannot let me down now. you cannot break me again, my finger is resting on the trigger to see if you mean how you feel. to see if you will let me go, just like you said i should. let go. I CANNOT LET GO. 'i'll love her till the day i die'. monday. tuesday. wednesday. thursday. friday. saturday. sunday. really madam, i am not picky.

[21 Jul 2004|01:08am]
i'm not quite sure when or how it happened, but i have a heart now. a big one. and because i'm not used to feeling like this, i'm afraid the smallest nothing will send me into some irreversable depression period, and honestly, i'm scared. with a quick i love you, and a loud goodbye you can forget my name. we can act like this was something, you can tell me you care, and i can act like i'm not hurt. some moviescript ending, right? your affection is leaving marks across my body, and i don't know if i can take it anymore. what i'd really like is for you to call me and say "i'm at your house, open up." this is getting to be a little bit too ridiculous.
i'm being cut up, melted, and molded back together by hands that want to vivify me and i don't want to be voguish or vivid. i enjoyed my self-depriciation and self-effacing, and i do miss it. i have no defense against my insecurities anymore, no defense against emotions, and no defense against friendships becoming incoherent.
for the first time in forever, i have feelings again.
i'm also addicted to Cursive.

[13 Jul 2004|02:12pm]
IT'S EMMY, NEW JOURNAL!!
4 READY.SET.EXPLODE.

[20 May 2004|01:45am]
<font size="1 watch this shattered girl. watch this feeble girl. watch this little girl as she germinates into the most beautiful disaster that you've ever seen.
READY.SET.EXPLODE.

[17 May 2004|08:29pm]
On Monday, I felt the imminent crash nearing.

On Tuesday, I curled up into a ball and cried and bawled, all without meaning to.

On Wednesday, my eyes were swollen, red-rimmed.

On Thursday, I smiled.

On Friday, I was busy contemplating heroes, history and rememberance.

On Saturday, I realized that everything in the past week has been a farce. I've just been mocking myself.

I'm still trying to break-through, just give me some time.
READY.SET.EXPLODE.

[13 May 2004|03:48am]
this isn't a place for beautiful words. i'm not going to come here and stare at this little entry box and wait for some tragic love story to spill out through my fingertips. i'm just going to write. what i feel. what i think.


a place to try to make this heartache of mine tangible. a place to try to make sense of things.
READY.SET.EXPLODE.

[12 May 2004|01:46am]
i sell scars and empty hearts to all the girls with open sores. i give away intangible happiness and false hopes to the little boys with innocent bruises. i'm quite decieving and i'll never be what you want so please just let go cause i can't. there's only enough left of me to love one thing in this world. i have a pretty little whore and i love her so much when she grinds my heart to dust. i have a secret love affair with my sadness and i'm afraid to ever let her leave. so walk away like everyone else. it's okay because she's all i'll ever need.
READY.SET.EXPLODE.

your love is like homicide [13 Mar 2004|08:23pm]
I want to have a meaningful discussion with someone, like the meaning of life.

All my other conversations seem to be worthless tales of woe, with two lonely, depressed, angsty people thrown together to give each other comfort and "guidance", as well as to complain.

I'm sick of that, tired of humoring people.

Yes your problems are important, just like mine. Yes, we're both special and unique.

No they're not, no we're not.

But the problem a meaningful conversation has is that it invariably becomes meaningless, and it tires me.
READY.SET.EXPLODE.

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