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Ashley Kerwin

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[10 Apr 2005|02:38pm]
LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:_pieces_of_ash_
Your haiku:her hand on the floor
and he just doesn't see and then
you finally do
Created by Grahame

LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:_pieces_of_ash_
Your haiku:or taking them all
to make the pain go away
forever wild horses
Created by Grahame
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[07 Apr 2005|10:22am]
Zane and I talked yesterday. Really talked. Without arguing. Of course the only thing we agree on is that if we ever WERE to date each other it would be catastrophic. With potential for bloodshed and carnage and badness. even though I dont entirely agree. I am willing to take that risk because even though we argue I really think there is something undeniable there.
I'm looking for a place where I can apply for a second job. Any ideas? I would love to work at a record store or something equally funtastic.
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[06 Apr 2005|09:24am]
[ mood | confused ]

last night I came home late from working the 2-close shift and there was an envelope with a lot of money in it. It's not important how much, but it was more than enough for two months rent. And my rent was already paid for two months, so that was that....

People? Never fail to amaze me.

How you can hate a person so much and attribute all of your recently feeling so much like crap to that one person and yet at the same time all he has to do is say a few words and you just completely forget about it. That baffles me.

In other news Zane came over last night to drop off my keyboard, I guess. and we argued, because I sometimes think we can't ever be in a room together without arguing. Things got said that caught me off guard and yeah we ended up making out because we are screwed up like that. it was really nice. have you ever felt like you NEEDED to kiss someone? When you feel like that and then you finally do, kiss them, it's just.... really really good. And after things calmed down a little we decided to just hang out and listen to music- mostly argue about stuff on the radio. That kid is such a close minded little metal-head.
I haven't seen mike since the day he came over to hang out with me he is probably off with his incestuous girlfriend or any of the other scores of girls he is always telling me about. I hate when he does that. I hate it so much. Because I just want to yell at him that he's dating all of these ridiculously horrible girls and right in front of him is someone who cares about him and LIKES him and he just doesn't see.... and then there's Zane. Who everytime I see him I fall for him and then I get frustrated because I just... I am starting to realize maybe he just isn't capable of opening up to anyone. And then things like last night happen and I get so confused that my head is going to like, explode.

I should probably stop updating this when I am supposed to be doing school work. Since I really need to up my hours at work more, believe it or not. Zane said there was an eviction notice on my door before he paid my rent. And as much as I wish he didnt do that, I can't get kicked out again. I have nowhere else to go....

So things are weird and hectic right now. But I just have to realize that things are always better than they were a few weeks ago. I have myself back, and thats the most important thing.


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[05 Apr 2005|07:51pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

some days are diamonds
some days are stones

I've been kind of laying low for the past few days. Since I talked to taryn. I dont know why I feel guilty about that or weird. I was just being nice and honest and at the same time concerned for mike. not that its any of my business. shit this is bad.
But yes. I am officially getting a lot better everyday and it feels great to get up in the morning and not feel like crap. now if only I felt some sort of purpose- some reason to get up in the morning... I need some excitement in my life. Let's do something amazingggg. If you are one of the few people I trust enough to consider friends you should call me and we will do something fun on me since I just got a raise at work and I've been working nonstop since I have no social life, so I can afford one little indulgence this month, I guess. :)

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[03 Apr 2005|11:12am]
[ mood | content ]

Last night mike was feeling kind of down so I invited him over to my adam sandler movie marathon. Yes, thats right, I enjoy adam sandler movies. Dont judge.
And it was fun. We talked a lot. He's pretty easy to talk to. I feel bad that girls repeatedly screw him over the way they do. and it sucks that I like him sooo much, because I seriously think he doesn't know I'm alive. I am just another friend. woot. dammit. He left after billy madison. probably to go sleep with some random girl.... sigh.
I didnt end up going out on that date. I dont know why, but at the last minute I just called him and cancelled. sexily damaged rocker guys are so not my type anymore. All they do is hurt you. And now I ahve today off of work and I want to do something reaaaally good. I don't know what though. I am open to suggestions.

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[01 Apr 2005|05:25pm]
I've got to admit it's getting better, a little better all the time.
Maybe it has something to do with the weather being so sunny and nice lately. But things really are starting to look up. I have a date tomorrow with this kid Josh from work. He is a cool kid, and he has tickets to an awesome battle of the bands, so it's gonna be fun!
And I saw Zane today, and didnt have like, the urge to cry or yell at anyone. Which is always lovely. I think I'm starting to be more resistant to falling apart.
I asked to be back in the choir, and I am auditioning for the spring musical. Miss Sovet says sometimes if you keep busy it is easier because youre not all bored and thinking. Downtime for someone who is trying to recover can just be more depressing, I think.
So theres that, and group therapy. Which is weird and kind of creepy. Lots of um, interesting people. They make me feel more normal though. And then theres that whole thing where I think maybe if I can make one of them feel better, then maybe I'll feel better. Miss Sovet says I need to concentrate more on saving myself.
I cant help you save yourself
but at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I have to move on
with my own life

I've been staring at my piano all evening. I really want to play or write something. But I have no inspiration. Le sigh. I shall go watch con air, aka the dumbest movie ever and make myself chicken and stars. Yes thats right. not ramen. GASP!
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[31 Mar 2005|07:48pm]
[x] Best memory of me.
[x] Favorite thing about me.
[x] What's the best thing you've ever done with me.
[x] What's my best quality.
[x] What's my worst quality.
[x] Describe me in as many adjectives as you want.
[x] If you could set me up with someone who would it be.
[x] Name one band i like.
[x] Name one thing i wear.
[x] Name one thing i love.
[x] Name one thing you think i should have.
[x] Say one fact about me.
[x] Write your honest opinion of me.
[x] Post this on your journal.
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[31 Mar 2005|11:00am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

((My internet is down and I dont know when it will be back up so I am updating from school, but I can't chat! Sorry I to anyone whom I RP with and please dont drop the storylines. Hah I dont know when it will be back up so please dont cut me. the end))

I don't feel so sick today. I think tomorrow I may go back to school. Well, I don't really have a choice. I have group therapy tomorrow. I feel bad. Miss Sovet gave me her home number in case I needed anything and I think I've called her like 7 times since then.
all I want is freedom
a world with no more night
and you always beside me
to hold me and to guide me

And I am going back to work today. I need to make money so I don't get evicted. It's weird. This morning I got up and I looked at myself in the mirror and I can't even remember the last time I really saw myself. I look terrible. I've been living on ramen and tea since I can't afford anything else, my skin is all tired looking and I have these really sexy bags under my eyes it almost makes me feel glad that he doesnt want to see me. I wouldnt want him to see me looking like this. My clothes don't fit me right since I've lost a lot of weight since I've moved out. Blah. But the important thing to remember is I have it under controll now. things will change. Things will get better. I can fix this. I can fix this.

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[30 Mar 2005|10:29am]
I love how I can pinpoint all my problems down to one person. I cant believe I ever actually liked him.

In other news, I got home from work, and I hurt so so much. And I knew I wasnt going to be able to sleep (which I didnt) so I went to a party I heard about from this guy Sam at work. It was pretty good actually. I spent a good amount of time talking to craig. I missed being good friends with him. I really think I need all the truly good people and good friends I can get. And he and I have both changed so much. I think we've finally gotten to a point in our lives where we can be friends and not hurt each other, you know? And we danced a bit- he's obviously been practicing. And I told him more than I had told anybody else about what had happened and I felt genuinely better. And even more hopeful than before that things could work out.
And he walked me home and of course I didn't sleep. I need to take something to sleep. But I'm not supposed to. So I stayed home from school today since I feel absolutely wretched.
I love when boys say really cryptic things and then promptly disappear for the rest of the night. :)
He says he needs some time away, and I'm cool with that. Like I said, you met me at a really strange time in my life. I'm not usually this neurotic and frantic and sad. I promise. I'm more of that fun person who has no problem hitting you in the face with a pillow when you ask for it. :) But he needs time and I guess maybe I need time too. I want to straighten myself out. I want to show him that he was right all along and we are really good for each other. When we arent killing each other of course. And if time is what that takes, then time is what that takes, but I already miss smiling at him. Blah.
And I think the worst part of being sick all day and achey and tired but not able to sleep is knowing all I'd have to do is take one pill and I'd feel worlds better.
I refuse to cave in though.
You've got a fast car
Is it fast enough so we could fly away?

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[29 Mar 2005|05:38pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

I didn't think things could get worse, really.
Until I managed to screw up things with the one person who would actually have anything to do with me. Fantaaaaaastic.
He was right though. I'm not okay. I have been through so much in the last few months. Craig and the baby, living with spinner, pushing spinner away, trying to fix things with spinner and him becoming gay/bi/whatever spinner is, getting kicked out of my house, my parents basically disowning me, losing the baby, zane, the band, the fighting, the post-baby depression, the drugs. Yeah. And I had to go through most of it alone. So it was a lot worse.
This morning I went to the guidance office or whatever you call it and talked to Miss Sovet. And that talk lasted most of the day. I told her everything. It felt good to get it out. And I am going to group meetings starting this week, and she and I are going to start meeting regularly. I just think I need someone to talk to. Someone who will listen and not get scared off.
I just... it WAS a lot of responsibility to put on mike and it wasn't fair. I just wish I could go back to last night and shut the hell up. Quit while I was ahead.
Because the truth of the matter is, I want to be the girl who is with the guy because she WANTS to be with him,not because she NEEDS to be him. I don't want someone to take care of me or save me. I hate that the one person who actually talks to me argues with me a lot, and most of the time it is probably my fault.
But I do want to say that when we arent fighting over wicked stupid things, you are a really fun person, and yeah, you do bring out a part of me I don't trust. And when I got home last night I realized that is probably the only good part of me.
I have to go to work. My body has started this dull dry ache and I feel like I'm going to puke. Miss Sovet said thats to be expected after she took away my purse and emptied it of anything I had planned on taking. I'm not even supposed to be taking tylenol and I'm really trying. Blah. Work. This is going to work. I am going to fix this and be an un-horrible (hah thats not even a word.) type of person.

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[28 Mar 2005|09:59am]
she don't want nobody near.Collapse )
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[27 Mar 2005|06:14pm]
but you cant stop shaking, and I cant stop touching youCollapse )
Kindness falls like rain
It's washing me away
And anna begins to change her mind
The seconds when I'm shaking
Leave me shuddering for days
She said
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing
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[27 Mar 2005|02:49pm]
[ mood | numb ]

child of the wilderness
born into emptiness
learn to be lonely
learn to find your way in darkness
who will be there for you?
comfort and care for you?
learn to be lonely
learn to be your one companion
never dreamed out in the world
there are arms to hold you
you've always known
your heart was on its own
laugh in your lonliness
child of the wilderness
learn to be lonely
learn how to love
life that is lived alone
learn to be lonely
life can be lived
life can be loved

So one week. And I am feeling better. One day at a time. I work, I study I take my pills and I detach from being alive and it's okay. Zane saved me even if he didn't realize it.
And then mike comes around trying to break everything again. Sorry. Not going to happen. I'll smile and go through the motions and wave and that has to be it. I would probably die if I let myself care for him. He has olivia and carly and paige an dhis friends and his future. I dont fit in there. I will just drag him down.
I am off to work in a bit and then home to... be home. by myself. woot.


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[23 Mar 2005|08:12pm]
[ mood | rock bottom. ]

Today I woke up and had an epiphany.
I can pinpoint all of my problems to one emotion. I care. And that has been my downfall. I care and I feel.
I didn't go to school. I died my hair black, and I cut it a little bit with a straight razor.
But mostly I sat and thought.
I have expended so much energy trying to get you to care, Zane. I have thought and tried everything. Because you are so smart and such a great guy. And because I so so cared about you. And I don't know. Somewhere in my strange wounded warped sensibility I thought we could be good for each other. Save each other.
But I appreciate you showing me what bullshit that is. You are so strong BECAUSE you don't care. Because you don't let anyone in or anything. You separate yourself from yourself and I need to be strong and do that too, otherwise I'm not going to amount to anything.
And I know you screwed me over. I don't know how you expect your business venture to succeed with little stunts like that. From now on, I talk to Jay only, with regards to that. And our band? Done. I don't feel like playing music anymore anyway.
Last night I thought I might be dying. I don't want to explain it. ButI wrote a 10 page letter to my parents, and to spinner, and to craig, and to ellie, just apologizing for the person I've been and the mistakes I've made. You cannot even fathom the guilt or regret I have for my actions. It is paralyzing.
I just need to separate ashley the spirit and the emotion and the mind away from ashley the body. I think I have already done that. I havent felt like a whole human being in such a long time. When I talked to mike the other night I almost felt normal, almost felt happy, but that is just because he doesn't know me. It was nice to be around one person who is not a constant reminder of my mistakes.
My emotions and stuff can go back to before everything went to ehll, and my body will continue to go through the motions. I am going to get up everyday and breathe in and out and go to school and work. I am going to pay my bills and say my prayers and sleep and eat and move through everything robotically. Like a true adult. I'm done feeling. I'm done trying. I am just done.
I am worried I am falling apart, and I think this might be the only way to salvage myself before there isn't even a body to save.

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[23 Mar 2005|08:01pm]
save the cyanide for a rainy dayCollapse )
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Someone to watch over me.... [23 Mar 2005|12:59am]
[ mood | blah ]

Mike and I hung out at the dot tonight. He's a pretty cool guy. Definitely not the type of person I am used to hanging out with, but easy to talk to and genuine and fun. No games with that kid, I can appreciate that.
and at least he isnt constantly trying to close everyoone out.
We talked about his little romantic situation a bit and I showed him how I rock at shoulder massaging. And I showed him my apartment and we fought over the golden girls. Who, might I add, are lame. The end.
And today I have school and then practice. Then I'm going to jet over to the hospital and bring spinner some get well soon presents. He seems really down, poor guy. And even after everything that has happened between him and I , and between craig and I, it still makes me worried for them when they are hurt or sick or sad. I just want to take care of everyone. Save the world, Ig uess. but who's going to save me?
I'm almost out of my pain medication. because I've been taking 3 times the dosage they required. And I still have a lot of bad stomach pain and stuff. Maybe I'll see if they'll refill my prescription anyway since I'm in so much pain. or I could call jay and see what he could do. But anyway after the hospital it's work work work for ashley. Working at the bookstore, and then trying to finish the last of my makeup assignments. Le sigh.

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[20 Mar 2005|11:55pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I have so much makeup homework it's ridiculous. I have to go to school and I don't even want to think about it. I dont want to think about anything anymore.
since when does me saying I care come out as me saying I hate you? when did I lose the ability to communicate? why does everything I say to him come out so wrong?
I talked to Mike today? He isnt what I would expect him to be at all. It's rather refreshing. At least he talks. I think I need to help him with his little romantic problem. Lol, because even einstein needs help. And at least einstein is mature enough to admit it.
caring is the original form of self mutilation.
One step forward ten two steps back. That's the way I like to do things.
I oculd really have seen myself caring about him. what the fuck.

What's life like, bleeding on the floor,
the floor,
the floor
You'll never make me leave
I wear this on my sleeve
Give me a reason to believe
So give me all your poison
And give me all your pills
And give me all your hopeless hearts
And make me ill
You're running after something
That you'll never kill
If this is what you want
Then fire at will
Preach all you want but who's gonna save me?
I keep a gun on the book you gave me, hallelujah, lock and load
Black is the kiss, the touch of the serpent sun
It ain't the mark or the scar that makes you one,

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If you want to, I can save you... [18 Mar 2005|12:31pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

I told craig. And then I left because I am a coward and I can't even bare to look at him. I can't even bare to look at myself in the mirror either. I just keep thinking it's all my fault. Maybe if I didnt work so many hours, or I slept more, maybe if I didnt move myself into my apartment. I mean, I couldn't afford movers.
But I am just pushing this out of my mind. I can't think about it anymore or I will just completely fall apart and I really need to be strong right now.
I saw spinner earlier yesterday, before going to visit craig. We went together. It was... mildly awkward. I have become so removed from everybody lately. And I miss talking to ellie. I've wanted to call her since I found out about her dad, but I dont want to be just another nagging voice on the other end of the phone.
After I left the hospital, Zane came over and we hung out and talked. He slept on my couch again. Not because I was "toasted" but just.... because.
he's talking in his sleep
it's keeping me awake
and then he begins to toss and turn
and every word is nonsense
but I understand
and oh, lord
I'm not ready for this sort of thing

everytime I see him smile. Which is rare. I find myself thinking "please, if i do nothing else, let me be that girl to make him smile like that every day. And when he gets all quiet and angry and hurt I find myself thinking "please, if I do nothing else, let me be that girl to take all of that angry and all of that hurt and hide it away.
Everytime I think about what he's been through. It just boggles my mind. He is probably the strongest person I know.
Okay well I've not been to school in two days. I think I just needed this week off.
But I really have to go to work today. Need to make money so I can continue to live this amazingly wonderful life I've set up for myself. [/sarcasm]

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[17 Mar 2005|06:08pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

So I think I subconsciously tried to kill myself last night. Zane was over and I was already a little buzzed when he got there. I was drinking pretty quickly and he freaked out because I have been taking pain pills too. And I dont remember much about last night until I was sitting on my windowsill and he kept begging me to come back inside. So I did and I told him what had been going on and I think I just really broke down for the first time since it happened. I mean I had been trying to call craig and I know when I have to tell him things are only going to be worse. But even just saying it out loud for the first time.
I dont know how he cheered me up or even how he got me to calm down after all of that, but I fell asleep on the floor and he spent the night on the couch.
And I kept asking him why he forces himself to be lonely. I just... I wish he had the ability to maybe put a crack in that great big brick wall he puts up so I could get through.
because I could really see myself caring for him.

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Be Careful What You Wish For. [16 Mar 2005|09:48pm]
I skipped practice today. Sorry I didn't call you Zane. I didn't feel like it.
I also skipped work. I just... I felt like staying home curled up on the couch. And then I tried to call craig. Because I guess he needs to be told. He is the only person who deserves to know. But I just tried his cell and there was no answer. He's probably out with Emma or whatever.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was scared. Then I was angry. I just didn't want it to be happening. I even thought about getting rid of it. But then I had this epiphany.
I've made a lot of mistakes already in my life. And as of recently I've found myself sort of completely alone. And misguided and looking for some sort of purpose. And then I figured maybe helping this little person was my purpose. I mean look at emma's mom. And I got so determined to make things work.
And now it's done and it's gone and there is no more little person and no more purpose and I'm more alone than I ever have felt in my whole life.
I was really getting used to the idea of being a mom. Almost, strangely enough, looking forward to it.
I really want to talk to craig about this before I say anything else. Ugh. He always talks about how we are a team on this whole baby thing. But when I really really need him the most, he isn't picking up his phone. Which pisses me off. I dont know why, but it does.
Okay, I need to stop writing and stop thinking and just sleep some more.
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