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And all that's best of dark and bright

Meet in her aspect and her eyes:

8/8/08 01:27 pm

Also don't go see sisterhood of the traveling pants 2. I know you were going to but trust just don't.

8/8/08 10:57 am - Glad to see you're still a cunt!

My article is late - which means i don't get paid till its visible online. "Working" for five days on something I have barely started just proves I am a master procrastinator.


Lordy, i had a whole section written out to the cum Dumpster who commented on my last entry a few days ago. He called me a cunt. But what I wrote wasn't very nice and it stank of self-righteousness. I am annoyed when people assume that i post something to sound like a smart ass. My last entry was written so i could remember the crystallography process and not look like a tool in my lab all the time.

Or maybe he was commenting on the whole general cuntness of my Jivejournal.

I like the word cunt- its the last great swear word. Everything else is over used. Fuck is a common whore. Shit is learned in the seventh grade. However cunt has this great sound to it. Its the Kuh sound and the UNT. Flat and sharp just like my nine blade (lolz I mean my special edition Hobbit pocket knife- it has Smaug on it, the wings open to a double blade and it kicks ASS). Ok that whole appreciation of the word was completely stolen from Babylon Heights.

I'm also a little disappointed at the insult. OOH i'm a cunt. with an exclamation point no less. yeah thats what my boyfriend says before we have sex, so i guess i'm insulted?

The truth is that this summer has kinda sucked because of my probation in the states. I can't smoke up, i mean i could and drink lots of cranberry juice and golden seal but I don't want to risk it. I also have a restricted license for a year. And there is always family biznez drama. But...

everyone around me absolutely loves me. I feel incredibly lucky. I'm constantly being praised. I have a boyfriend who loves me. Friends who think I'm cool for who I am and parents who will worry about me. And my sister who will do anything for me. Ok I sound like an asshole but I am so incredibly grateful.

I feel like a loser for not turning this article in on time but its unimportant compared to the people in my life. I miss my friends at school who I love just as much but right now I feel so cuccooned in comfort and safety.

A few weeks ago I felt so restricted, like alot of my people here were crowding me and I couldn't get space. Then There was a prison scare. Also I felt like a retard at my internship while my partner did all the work/thinking. And I flipped out on the people who cared the most for caring too much! I've got my head on now and thankfully didn't say anything I would regret.

I've also made amends with a few people, or tried to. I did a few things last year that I won't specify but I really wasn't proud of. I tried to write a few honest apology emails, one relationship is mended and I think I damaged another too irreparably. I don't think I tried to make amends with the guy who called me a cunt, since I'm pretty sure I know who he/she is and I could give a flying fuck.

Guilty Pleasure: barabara streisand in the sixties.
Oh Omar

3/4/08 09:04 am - Protein X-ray crystallography

Selection, cloning, expression, purification, crystallization

3/2/08 02:11 pm - Lately

Lately I've been updating livejournal much more than in the past few years.

Lately I've been thinking about the future alot more. My future. Possible career goals. Its a continual thought process whenever I'm reading magazines or looking at nytimes.com

Lately I've been buying alot of magazines. How the fuck did i not know that our local stationary store sells the new yorker? And a british version of The Week?

Lately I've been doubting things I do but still taking on more work. Because who doesn't love a lost, uncared for cause?


Lately I think I've gone insane. I quit smoking this week and went to church this morning. Church, for the second time at St. Andrews. At the school chapel, St. Salvadors. Its so comforting to go, like reverting back to childhood or taking a spiritual load off my back.
For that I curse my mother and St. Catherines for ingraining the church into me.

I'm living off of packs of nicorette, still in yesterdays clothes and apparently smell like bonfire. so lately I've been hungover.

2/23/08 08:03 pm - Ecetera

Every week My school newspaper always asks peoples' snap shot opinion on things and then takes their picture.

This week the question was "What are you giving up for Lent?" And there I am in the fucking Saint with a fucking moo moo shitty 80s print jacket and a word blurb saying:

"Sex"

I thought it would be a good laugh for me and my friends. Unfortuneately one of the postdocs who works in my lab picked it up and showed the page to everyone ie the respectable people I want to think of me a biochemist. AhA. SShhiiiittt. The sad thing is that I am actually serious about it (except for one minor discretion 5 hours into lent). Its not like I'm a slut normally. Just that since I lost the V-card freshman year I've been to into sex for the pure pleasure of it. Not that thats a bad thing. I just need to be "clean" and "good" for awhile.

2/23/08 07:53 pm

So my play went up over a week ago and it was an amazing success! It sold out all three nights and apparently everyone liked it alot or wanted to punch the pedo in the face which is just as good.

Now I'm struggling to become a student again and balance more plays and internship and school. I also had a suprise visit from the landlord today about my broken door. It would have been fine but I was slightly high and not at all ready for him to come in. Some day during January our bathroom door decided that it wasn't going to work anymore. At 5 am. With my friend Selbie stuck inside.

3 more people got stuck this week. The first time we had a joiner come out and get her. But now its become a test for my friends if they get stuck in the door. Like a literal puzzle box (the bathroom lacks windows) One guy used string the other day, don't ask me how.

Now I am in between projects and so so tired. Not like bodily tired but spiritually kinda. I want to just stop doing everything now and hide under the covers.

2/7/08 07:12 pm

Three weeks of theoretical free time has passed since exams were over. The only problem is that I've had to get ready for my show going up in a week and my protein project is due as well as all the new anarchist group in st. andrews. So the result is brain deadedness.

Being weak willed and stupid is so easy when no one is waiting for you at 9 am. Whomever. Whatever.
Getting past the vague points of life seems to be a hallmark of myself. Specific details should only be used in a time of need or to remember. But life in specific details is boring and monotonous even though its the way everyone has to go through life.

I just can't help feeling like in 10 years time I will have lost who I meant to be and have failed at anything or failed everyone I've cared about.
fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it.

self introspection is so selfish it hurts.

1/17/08 01:48 am

1/17/08 01:48 am

1/5/08 12:49 am - Letter to maryam

I think I may be depressed or void of emotion. Not really sure why. Perhaps the much talked of post holiday blues? But I never had a holiday high so I don't see how that could be. Perhaps its the pot withdrawl. Must be. To give concrete evidence of anything that has happened in the past few weeks would be futile at this stage. Tuesday, whenever whatever time I get back we ARE going for a drink at aikmans. It has to happen.
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