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deftones, mansweat, buddhism and teenage rebellion   
01:03pm 22/06/2007
 

deftones/dir en grey/fall of troy was excellent. my body is still aching from my music inspired convulsions- i am now a dir en grey fan. also, i made an extraordinarily bold move on a gorgeous boy- i was dancing next to him, getting a great deal of his sweat on my left arm, for a good deal of the concert. i felt very attracted to him, which is unusual, and i like what i saw of him, and what was that? he was passionate about the music, energetic, polite and friendly, very masculine, intelligent, and protective of other people-one of the guys who makes sure girls don't get kicked in the head by an idiot crowdsurfer, and keeps moshers from hurting each other. also, he had gorgeous biceps, was a little taller than me, brown hair and blue eyes, beautiful face, chest, torso... *drool* i asked his name, forgot it, gave him mine, he asked if i went to concerts often, i said no and did he have a girlfriend often- he took out his phone and i gave him my number. whether he calls me or not (which i think he will.. he seemed interested..) i am glad i was confident enough to turn him around.. it sets a little personal precedent (aside from bill, lmfao) so it should be easy, wonderfully easy in the future. what's there to lose?


note to self: is being that attracted to the protective type a good thing? depends on the boy and how you handle it. keep observing anyway..

i loooove the tibetan book of the dead, i started reading it again. pretty themes: suffer no delusions, and with no walls, no rooms, there is no emptiness inside- only limitlessness. elementary but worth repeating, just how i like it. i want to dig out my tao te ching again.

today i moved all my stuff into melodie's house. HUGE RELIEF. i was getting so sick of frankie's mom and the feeling of that house, and melodie seems relaxed and happy i'm moving in- she is going to meet with my parents here on sunday, and we'll go from there. i'm staying at my parent's for this weekend, avoiding my mom as usual. weee. now all i need is a job... when i'm back in riverside, i'll hop by the perk again and see if i can get myself a job there, try dillons, see if melodie has some suggestions.. yes, suggestions, anything is welcome!
 
     
2 burned bright| sieze the fire
 
so i don't know where i'll be sleeping this weekend   
11:34am 06/06/2007
  i talked to melodie and moving in my stuff is ok, but half of tyler's stuff is there still (which i thought would be gone over a week ago) and until his stuff is out and the house has a little time to wobble back, adjust to something resembling normality, i must sleep elsewhere-which, this weekend, can't be frankie's house because they're going to be out of town. of course they didn't announce this to me until a week ago, so i didn't prepare well, and tyler told me things that made me afraid to irritate melodie, so i put off talking to her... audra will be staying with thayer, but i'm fairly sure he doesn't want to be around me and i'm not sure i want to be around him. there are options.. its not that i don't have a lot of friends, it is just that i'm not sure if they're friendly enough to let me haunt their house. also, i need to take the ACT on the 9th, so i have to have a way to get to that..  
     
3 burned bright| sieze the fire
 
   
09:18am 29/05/2007
  ok, so i have been totally moved out of my parent's house since the afternoon of the twenty third, and staying at frankie's. it has been really wonderfully and shockingly easy- my mom only made weak, whining efforts to interfere. it is very entertaining to live with frankie, audra, and frankie's family... appleman and durell are over a lot of the time... this is an amazingly beautiful house, and i feel so relaxed, energetic, and happy for not being around my mom. of course, my housemates have quirks, but so do i.

yesterday my dad came by to give me my wallet and inform me that he would take the cityarts check up to school, and that mom was indeed freaking out (i feel sorry for him and lindsey... i got out but they're still stuck) but he would keep her at bay- no legal issues, no problems.. he gives me full support for doing this, and understands completely- says my mom's way of dealing with things is to expect the worst of everyone (she wanted to know if i was pregnant, lmao) and to be over-emotional- that she should have recognised long ago that i am a thinking person equal to her in worth and identity, not a mere child. we talked about my plans and everything, i told him that we should have lunch together whenever he feels like it, and i want to see him and lindsey (not mom). we hugged and kissed and reassured eachother of our familial bond, it was insanely sweet for being reality. I LOVE MY DAD! :D i miss his sense of humor and everything. oh well.

we also went job hunting, frankie and i.. i got a humongous list which i forgot to take out of her car, but that's ok, i'll call all those places later. in a few days i will be moving my stuff into my actual new bedroom, which will be excellent. we made sure all the places are within biking distance. i am excited.

been giving a lot of massages lately. i enjoy it, in the future might look into training, though right now i want to learn more about remote reiki so i can help christian. he went into surgery yesterday, and i want to help him heal. i am sending him love whenever i find the right time.

newly added to my list of favorite movies: mirrormask. extraordinarily beautiful, perfectly dreamlike, something akin to my own mind and the art from my own hands, and speaking my own language. simple fairytale.
 
     
sieze the fire
 
8 days stuffed full of happenings.   
02:14pm 13/05/2007
  on the fifth, i went over to frankie's house to celebrate her birthday, as well as kiki's and mine. very fun- i made her a card and we had delicious cake from la galette- frankie promises to take me there sometime- it was pink and white, with glazed strawberries.. possibly the best birthday cake i've ever had, that was not cheesecake or torte.. we talked and birthday presented and played neverhaveiever with this crazy soda that tastes like fizzy liquid blueberry muffins, strapped with explosives. then we migrated downstairs and played the same game with kurrant vodka and grape juice, and when we were all vaguely buzzed we stripped and.. let's just say is was even better than the first lesbian party. and the first one involved honey, massage oil, and goth fetish gear. for the record, mo, kiki, frankie, audra, katie, and this extremely cute asian girl were there. yes videos were made. no you may not see them.

after we were all tired, we stumbled upstairs and i slept in one of frankie's shirts in a twin bed next to audra (yay being skinny). in the morning, we had more lovely confections from la galette, with fruit, and we played in the ran, dangled our feet in the river, sat on the roof, read and watched the videos from the night before.. everything was absolutely perfect, until, of course, my mom fucked things up. audra's mom called, warning me about it, as did tyler, and they made sure it was ok to give her frankie's number- my mom declared that she had no idea i was staying the night at frankie's and was freaking out about tornadoes, telling me to come home even though the sirens were going off there and not at frankie's, which has a basement anyway- i have a video memory of my mom acknowledging that i was staying the night, asking if my friends would bring me home in the morning. frankie's number, as it was written on the sheet of my friend's numbers she has demanded to have, had two digits switched. i basically ignored my mom's crazed rambling and decided to keep having a good morning/afternoon, and came home when i pleased.

now here is the dealbreaker.

when i got home, i checked my email and discovered christian telling me he would not be talking to me again. he had called to wish me happy birthday and instead got my mother, who interrogated, insulted, degraded, and blamed him for ruining my family's happiness, and told him never to speak to me again. of course, i persuaded him to do otherwise and only yesterday did i succeed in regaining our usual openness with each other. for a few days after that call, though, christian was absolutely mindfucked from her. she has said nothing at all about that call with christian, and neither have i.

i am moving out of my parent's house at the ending of this school year. i will not tolerate things like this any longer.

i have already begun packing, and rituals to bolster my intent to leave this place and sever permanently from my mother. i am fairly ecstatic at this, i don't even really regret not going to germany this summer (have to have parent's signature on passport.. damn goverment). this will give me a chance to get that job, to have a nice living arrangement before getting my own apartment.. i'm very happy.

i will not be going to akon, i don't want to spend the money and stress, or have to deal with my parents. and frankie bought me a ticket to the deftones/dir en grey concert!!!!!!!!! ahhhh yesss. i have loved deftones for so lonnng.


on thursday, tyler picked me up so he could lend me some resources for helping me leave this house smoothly, i confirmed my arrangements, and tyler and i went out to play in the rain, barefoot, with him shirtless and me in his humongous swim trunks, and malachite around my neck. we ran/walked down streets, splashed in gutters, got yelled at by mexicans, saw double rainbows, talked in depth until we were cold and soaked and cleansed enough to go back home. passed out on melodi's furniture, ate some, and then he took my back to my parent's house. i am very glad to know him.
 
     
1 burned bright| sieze the fire
 
Birthday   
11:29am 05/05/2007
 
mood: peaceful
My birthday is tomorrow, 05/06/07. I will be 17 years old, at 2:51 AM.

Should be a good year *grin*
 
     
3 burned bright| sieze the fire
 
what i want, personally   
04:11pm 26/03/2007
  i want: an individual who i'm attracted to the way i was to daniel, magnetically and lustfully, but who can love me in the way that christian does, throwing his whole self into it and extending it absolutely unconditionally, the emotion and trust, exposed, dangerously (or is it more dangerous to live a half-life of holding back? i think so)- but who is unafraid to study me without judgement. speaking out of the urge to bring the truth to light, to share observations like children instead- the function and the dysfunction, the true and false- and to talk with me openly and honestly, exuberantly, warmly, truly respectfully and without the urge to control or dominate- strong but yielding. someone with fire in their eyes, who loves food and flesh and animals and flowers and getting dirty, running hands through hair and sweating and drinking wine, swimming in lakes, creating, and having sex without fucking. who'll say when he wants something and then act on it. i want a prime expression of the essence of humanity, who can love all these things with the same deep force as i do but still wish to think, to question themselves, progress while being content, to discuss with me the nature of the universe and ourselves and where do we go next? to learn with each other, grow and puzzle out our paths to wholeness again without

dependence.

without

becoming disconnected

and attaching to each other, cleaving desperately as if one human could fill in the emptiness of another. for that there is only what we call god.

although we are two human beings exchanging love, that is not where we end. each of us must press forward in our own direction-there is always more.

palms together, breathing in time, heartbeats in our ears, laughing during sex, staring at the stars while talking on the phone at 1 am, dancing under rainfall, and having the uncontained between waking-and-sleeping joy in the morning when you know he's with you to marvel at the sunrise, even though the sun rises every day. smiling just to turn and see eyes staring back from 3 inches away, and fogging up the space with breathing and kissing. then leaving the country and saying goodbye: i'll see you next summer. i love you.

i will get this. from many individuals, in many languages, over many years, and soon.
 
     
1 burned bright| sieze the fire
 
yes yes yes   
02:32am 25/03/2007
  i love spring so much. and living in this body.
GODDAMNIT, nothing has to be grey. this is about living, this is about intensity and love and joy. this is about all of time and space, history and future and the entire universe and its beautiful organisation, its design, rushing into your awareness, your tiny and infinite space filled with the knowledge of it all in an eternal instant. it is incontainable and most importantly, THERE IS NOTHING boring about it. or neutral. neutral is fucking beige wallpaper, existence is a crowd of people throwing every colour of paint in your fucking face all at once. it is this way because i want it to be, because i want to open my arms wide and expand my chest and throw my head backwards and stretch my fingers out from my palms and feeling like a living, alive human being, to scream and love and have orgasms and scraped knees and tangled hair and have paint stained hands. i am not of the earth but fuck, i am earthy.
 
     
2 burned bright| sieze the fire
 
   
06:47pm 10/03/2007
  i feel much better. some powerful meditation helps. my hand twitches with my pulse still when i'm tense or my circulation is funny, but that is lessening too. no more headache.
yesterday was art day at friends- did the chalk mural with the cityarts group, they used my idea to have the madonna and child, only it was worn out trailer trash with her obese and malformed infant on her emaciated hip, feeding it a cheeseburger, with a nuclear power plant and wal-mart as neighbors. i figured we could make it more gritty and fun than the other murals, and it ended up winning 2nd, with the other group from NEM (they did the birth of venus victoria secret style) winning first. i didn't win anything in the show- the only large piece i had available was eve, which is forever cursed as student work by the evil student teacher from the first 9 weeks. sigh. northeast as a school won a ton of shit though. i love the teachers so i'm happy for them.

after school i went home with the lovely audra, we watched D.E.B.S and then i painted a gorgeous tribal design on her back. she gave me some gorgeous heels <33. editing the photos monday, painting keyleigh sometime in the following week. daniel is apparently still staying there, and i was too tired and throbby to start a conversation. we mostly stayed as far away from each other as possible, and if i could add my voice/gesture effects in here, it would be something like a hiss and "ehhhhhh" followed by a cringing motion. i would really like to treat him as a friend, but he looks at me as if i might puke on him. i would like to be able to be honest and have open discussions with him, if he isn't going to have the attitude of an instructor who doesn't expect to learn anything from his pupil. we'll see.

today i got a top and a short skirt from the goodwill, along with a basket-purse, an ella fitzgerald - best of and opera for those who hate opera cassette tapes. ^.^

my favorite things to remind myself currently:
who i am is love. it is the universe looking out on itself through me, like one of many eyes. it is a silent harmony that pervades behind every rippling surface. it is the same energy coursing through every person, no matter how hidden it has become.

love is what you feel when there is nothing else. admiration of beauty, of simple pleasure, in any degree is a step toward being whole. at the same time, it can be a completely selfish act while helping all of humanity.



this summer i will work to be able to see energy, or at least to perceive it more strongly. currently i just go by intuition and what i feel right in the core of me, but my 5 senses have a way of shouting that out.
 
     
sieze the fire
 
life currently   
07:18pm 01/03/2007
  yesterday i went to japanese class with hoshi and company for the first time. before everyone showed up, i walked about, read, sketched, etc. i got some ice cream and sat down at a table, and a nice asian man who looked to be around 25, who had been admiring the same sculpture as me earlier, asked if he could share the table with me. we talked about our interest in art and travel, somewhat awkwardly. it was really sweet, i could tell he was kind of nervous and had been more shy in the past, but how amazing to sit down with someone i had never seen before and have a friendly conversation, smiling and polite, and to think that we would remember eachother's kindness and amiability in the future. to ward off loneliness by being a friend to a stranger. his name was ken, i think, and when i spotted my friends from the class i introduced them and shook hands with him and said goodbye, it was nice meeting you. that whole afternoon was excellent ^.^

i've been getting frustrated with my cityarts class lately. 8 potent, artistic, and stubborn personalities all in the same room, trying produce art in a challenging setting, with teachers who are just as dramatic, at the end of a highschool day that starts sometimes before the sun has risen.... yyyyyyyikes. mostly i'm sick of feeling pressure to finish pieces that take foreverrrr, even though i didn't like the method or the design in the first place, and people talking to me and monitoring what i'm doing and giving their opinion on how i should do it this way blahhhh. if i want to get the piece of shit done, let me do it. i hate wasting my time, i hate so much interference with my workspace, and i hate how i know the only source of my frustration is myself. i wouldn't be bothered by any of that if i took care of my body and mind like i know i should. so i will.

most of the time i'm better off than i've ever been. but there are still these things that i know i want and deserve, things i know to be intrinsic to my optimum health and happiness. affection, communion, personal love, understanding. close friendship without walls, confusion, complexity, dependency or attachment. face to face, voice with voice, hand in hand kind of friendship. not typing to someone or remembering smiling with daniel, or impersonal conversations with a man, 10 second hugs in a highschool hallway, insincere sex, or watching movies with someone i'm not attracted to. i want what matters, what doesn't welcome inequity and messy endings.

i really want to be friends with daniel again. to just meet someone who i could be close with would be wonderful, but unlikely.

just, sigh. and keep living.
 
     
sieze the fire
 
   
11:29am 10/02/2007
  i honestly don't want to find anyone else until i've moved out of my parent's house. i would like to have a casual relationship with a woman i can truly feel comfortable with, but i've never met one of those. at least not one who isn't straight. and, my memories of time with daniel actually just bring smiles to my face now, and i haven't been depressed at all. the memories aren't there because i obsess over him, they are there because i spent so much time with him and one's mind likes to follow patterns. the patterns will dissolve naturally with time, but there is no functional reason to go in and pulverize them with a hammer.


maybe it is more common to men to need to just cut off from something wholly, all at once in order to change their habitual behaviour. this seems like a more aggressive, male quality than female.

^^ from a reply to someone on my xanga.

christian is fine. he just jumped a bmx bike off a roof, broke two fingers and hurt his leg with a handlebar. lol. he had to go to the hospital and everything. i'm just happy it wasn't something else.
 
     
sieze the fire
 
   
04:40pm 09/02/2007
  so, last night daniel made it clear that he didn't want to see me even as friends, not for a long fucking time, until we are both quite surely unattached, without the idea that we need anyone else for comfort, and when i will no longer drain his focus.

there was absolutely no sympathy, warmth, or love in his voice. i was lying to myself when i expected differently- even if this has been painful, reason and self control preserve him from hinting at any of it, in order to make it easier for both of us. he isn't one to share.

i don't feel sad, truly, or anything at all except for cold and ...peaceful? lonely, but not in any way like before- it is a very simple wish to be touched or to sit with someone in silence, or to look straight into the eyes of someone, to share warmth with them, to be simply happy together. to hold eachother. but only with someone who i truly love and respect and see as someone who is actually striving to know themselves and god. because daniel is the only person who i've known who is like this, who i have been open with, my heart instinctively looks to him. but really, it could be anyone- this is not an unhealthy desire. i believe it is something worth pursuing. i looked forward to having this with daniel, without the mess and waste of sex, without seeing each other weekly or even monthly, without dependence, expectation, pressure, or any deviation from what our true intuition tells us to be right. that last thing i want is to return to the past, or to complicate anything.

but, completely cutting off contact with someone you've spent half a year with is extreme, and in my experience anything extreme, quick, or easy is the wrong choice. how is any form of isolation, or any change to your environment, going to help in a search for your true self? from his point of view, i can easily understand how one would want to cut out any distraction, any source of negativity, pull from your focus, or offense to your overall clarity. i can see how you would want to abolish attachment, to separate from familiarity in order to distinguish what is really you. but at the same time, i have a feeling that in the end, those practices
don't
actually
help.
because:
what you're looking for is inside you and all around you. there is no distance there, there are no locks or walls except inside your own mind. and because there is ALWAYS, always a distraction, there is always something tripping you back into reality, always something trying to cloud your clarity, you have to find the way to coexist with it all, to accept everyone around you and every experience, no matter what it is, as part of the universe and therefore a part of your self. the whole is in each part and each part is the whole. no alteration or form of ascetism will bring you to this, but i suppose that the experience of trying to find it in this way is the only way to see it as useless.

maybe i've already done it before, and decided it was better to do it gently- i am in no hurry to leave this world, and if i was then that would prevent me from doing it anyway. i just want happiness, i just want this moment, i just want to appreciate everything as it is and to bring myself back to true humanity, simplicity, and harmony with all of it.

so, nothing has changed. i haven't been tormented except for early last week, since then i've been at peace or very happy. winter is still a pain in my ass. christian hasn't signed on in a week or so, and i'm concerned/worried. i sent him two emails, no response. i've been making some good art, very pleased in that area, thinking i'll do a watercolour this weekend. i'm going to do that more often, just to have a greater number of pieces and more practice. oil is still my favourite, though. glass blowing is fun without the anxiety, now, and i made my first oversized paperweight with fire colours.

i feel like watching some movies, and sewing- i have a bunch of summer dress patterns in mind, after i finish my pinafore i'll start them to make me feel less wintry. maybe a new fairy costume. tonight:painting, finishing applications, movies, sewing, and rest. a bath, perhaps?

love to anyone who reads this long ass post. and everyone else.
 
     
8 burned bright| sieze the fire
 
   
05:47pm 30/01/2007
  ok
fuck mourning, fuck ascetism. there is nothing to mourn! forget being hit by each memory like a bucketful of sulfuric acid, enjoy each one and know there will be more to come. the fear of losing the ability to experience something again in the same way, with the same person is ridiculous: the real nightmare would be repetition, stuck in the same place while there are infinite ranges of happiness to be found, new beauty one deep breath away. forget pushing away, putting shields up, avoiding and recoiling. that can be hiding weakness as well as self preservation. this does not have to be viewed as an ending, it is a change, for any mark of separation in time and space is an illusion upon an illusion, and the effects of any experience will ripple on forever. i am not done.

on a less poetic note, perhaps: i picked up a bunch of applications on sunday, and gave daniel his stuff, and got my jade fishie. spiritual awareness fair seemed very nice, even as it was closing down. my voice was wrecked, though, i couldn't keep my hands from shaking, and by the end of the day i was exhausted- i also babysat... you can imagine my emotions being the most illegal rollercoaster ever. the morning sucks, because my combination of tiredness, pms, winter, physical aches, hatred of school, and my dreams playing tricks on me does not help my reasoning abilities. pray for spring, or at least lightly falling snow to cover the grey and brown and to give silence. and then it should melt quickly. ice</3 i ran until my body burned and protested yesterday, and i plan on doing it every time there is a palatable day, even when it is raining in summer. or especially when there is a warm rain in summer.. it makes me feel so much better, grounding me and letting me feel the natural world again. it is the only kind of exercise i really like, other than swimming, sex, and yoga. biking, hiking, and walking are great too, but my neighborhood is ugly. i love the pounding of my feet, heart, and breathing all together, it is a quick way of wiping my mind clean.sometimes meditation just isn't forceful enough to swipe the sticking cobwebs and noise away.
 
     
sieze the fire
 
new beginning.   
10:49am 28/01/2007
  daniel and i broke up last night.

we were happy. we each will continue to be happy. the problem is- attachment is suffering. it is pain, confusion, and stagnancy. it is the inability to acheive your dreams and to ultimately find god.

last night was pure hell. it was having the hole of loneliness torn open again. it was sensing in full force my separation from myself and god. it was crumbling- there was no refuge even inside of silence, my own breathing reminded me of laying and breathing in unison with him, happy. and how i probably won't hear that hearbeat again, or feel his heart through his touch. i'm face to face with the same desperation that clung to me before i was with him, for feeling so alone and detached and in need of simple human touch and comfort from someone who actually sees you.

truthfully, everything but god ends, and until you learn to live with yourself and eternity, you will never feel alive and will only experience heartache after heartache. i have come to think that in the crazed fashion of an artist, i chose this existence because impermanence, violence, and struggle- human sensuality, passion, and temerity- are far more fascinating than perfect peace, bliss, and wholeness. i can't imagine why else i would suffer humanity.

my intuition warned me over and over to soften the blow- most notably with christian's break from bela. his stuggles always mirror mine in an exaggerated, far more violent fashion. i am now repeating to myself the same things i told him, to solace him.

now i'm between the hope of a new beginning, and being shattered. he is so beautiful, and seeing him sitting next to me and looking straight at me with perfect green eyes and none of the openness or softness, none of the warm tendrils of love reaching between us, no buzz between our hands... something has been severed sharply and is left to bleed.

i understand, really. there is no comfort but in myself.

when we both find indepence that we can maintain, when we have both matured maybe we'll return to each other again. until then, we are cautious friends and ex lovers.

thank you, daniel. thank you, god.

as for my future, i'll have nothing else to do with my time except gain all the things i've wanted for a long time, and to work to break out of this household ASAP. a job will save me from having to spend as much time here, maybe i'll find friends among coworkers. i feel fear, though, when i realise i have no human arms to wrap myself in, no place to go other than this house. this place with the mother i barely remember loving, and an atmosphere eroded by her hostility-i'll never thrive here. there is nothing more to distract from this fact, no matter how i lock my doors, attempt to purify the interior of my own room, or try to distance myself from the sickness here. i am purely happy when i think of true independence... living alone effectively and simply, traveling... though there is an entire world of people and nature, so even living on my own i would not feel alone in the true sense.
 
     
10 burned bright| sieze the fire
 
last day of 2006   
01:00pm 31/12/2006
  last night: daniel came over for my acorn squash/coconut curry, and the boon of our previous shopping adventures-foreign chocolate, fizzy water in pretty bottles, and juice that tastes like pure awesome.

god, i love the snow. it is so beautiful and clean and always comes at the perfect time. wash away the year but let the good things stand through.

after we escaped my house, we had an hour to meander, sing and laugh in the car, stop by an empty fred's house to peruse his book collection- a GORGEOUS huge book called the celestial gallery, i believe, and one called "breaking the death habit"... mussssst reaaaad moooore. and my goals echo: getafuckingcarjobcarjobcarjodfirjkgertj.

that was a gorgeous evening. as was the one before that-after pam and i enthusiastically kissed/licked each other goodbye, daniel and i had a few more hours of mind-blowing, body-melting, light-bringing wonderful sex, with cuddling/resting/rib rearranging and water sipping in between, of course. and running onto the roof to kiss in the rain... *wide smile*

crazy year. i'm ready for endlessly more.

ich fuehle so gut

today-nothing planned, we'll see where we end up
 
     
sieze the fire
 
   
05:45pm 25/11/2006
  goal: sing where everyone can hear me,
when and where i feel like it
 
     
sieze the fire
 
long time no post   
11:07pm 19/11/2006
  for people who might stumble on this who don't have my xanga and are crazy enough to read this, here is a bit of catch- up:

daniel and i are incredible, in fact i just got home from spending all day with him- starting with pancakes, then to the couch, his bedroom, the basement, and ending with hot cocoa and a marathon of the show "dead like me," which was excellent. on december fourth we'll have been together 5 months, and later this week i get to have my cervix poked at by a scary doctor with gloves so i can get birth control. weeeee!

i do need to keep myself in check though, during the school week it gets fairly unbearable, i hate school as it is but missing him just adds to it all-- let it gooo kirsten, a few days, weeks, months, that's all it is, one lifetime, that is all it is, nothing to worry about, no reason to get impatient.

so yeah, about school: my 10 page paper was due friday, and i have roughly 3 pages of it and i have no intention of working on it tonight, and my english teacher is not weak by any means. she gives so little of a shit about her students, it is disgusting. she cares about us as people, of course, but she couldn't care less about what we do with our time or assignments. anyway, i feel pretty damn good about spending a few days taking care of myself instead of stressing, at the cost of maybe screwing up my grades and no longer having something to wave in my mom's face when she feels like attacking me. good thing thanksgiving is -before- my IEP meeting *grin*

...today in particular, i had a feeling i was supposed to be with him today instead of anywhere else, which was confirmed on the ride home, in my mind. i had a wee bit of deja vu in the car, and was already feeling emotional-in-a-good-way ... thing, watching the streetlights pass and smiling while i replayed the day in my head, jazz on the radio and his warmth and smell around me. i mentioned it to him and commented on how everything i see in dreams that repeats itself in life is never anything useful, but if it was i'd have to do shit about it and who needs that responsibility? and he said that he gets a lot of deja vu at times in his life where there are internal milestones, nothing big to the outsiders but inside there's some transformation- there are just moments throughout your life that seem to transcend the trivial messes, the short-lived conflicts, and they mark something special. so i suppose what i see really is useful to me, i can pinpoint these moments and keep them close, and learn more from them than if i ignored them.

hmmm, artistically, things are good- several paintings going on, projects to be initiated, getting sick of being stuck with the same projects while i'd rather be doing something more spontaneous, but next semester i will hopefully be getting a special arts production class. *crosses fingers*

i am currently addicted to miso soup, BPAL oils, fuzzy things, sex, painting, calming music, hot tea- specifically, white tea, and books with florid language about beautiful women and unusual events.

i miss christian and josh.

i have mad cravings for lasagna and good dark chocolate. mmmmm
 
     
3 burned bright| sieze the fire
 
remember: ask for corset   
08:36pm 18/10/2006
  Kirsten Wixson
October 18, 2006
Block 3

An Everyday Tragedy

Everyone has seen a worn out, stressed out, tie-wearing salesman at some point, or known someone who has worked themselves beyond health or happiness. It is such a common sight that no one stop to think about what goes on in the mind of such a person, or what becomes of them when they are too tired to struggle any longer. No one even bats an eye when they skim across the suicide, alcohol poisoning, or miscellaneous mental breakdown of some overworked man. With the play Death of a Salesman, the reader is finally forced to examine the life of a man named Willy Loman. The play Death of a Salesman is a tragedy that is missing its hero, because Willy Loman is nothing but another weak man whose problems seem mundane, and it is the familiarity of such a character that shapes the sense of tragedy for its readers.

Willy Loman had a wonderful life by many people's standards. He had a house of his own, a car, a loving wife and two intelligent sons. The sad thing was, he never fully cherished or appreciated these things, and instead of becoming skilled in what he naturally enjoyed, he chose to fight for a job that would make him forever insecure. He failed to use what life had given him, and when he realised what he had done and how bleak his existence had become, he could not even manage to take his life or to hide his efforts from his wife: "He's been trying to kill himself" (page 58). Willy Loman's death was his own doing. He chose, without anyone forcing him, to follow ridiculous dreams, comprimising the well being of his family as well as himself.

The ideals that Willy treasured are all too similar to those of many men. One embarassing facet of the "American Dream" is to doggedly chase after wealth, popularity, women, luxury, social status, or whatever was hammered into a man's head as the ultimate goal in life from a young age. Willy constantly preaches about which slice of this dream he wishes to be his, stating that "The man who makes an appearance in the business world, the man who creates personal interest, is the man who gets ahead in life" (page 33). He is a typical American, trying to simplify the purpose of life into one's relationships and wealth.

Though Willy Loman would seem unremarkable if one happened to meet him, the story of his life is sorrowful and even interesting. This is because Willy becomes more than himself, representing every man who has ever had a failed dream when he had the potential for happiness residing in his own home all along. Everyone can identify with the fear of failure or running out of time, which Willy expressed: "I'm not interesed in stories about the past or any crap of that kind because the woods are burning, do you understand?" (page 107). The woods represented the source of success that never came through for him, and upon realising this, his life truly falls apart. Willy is an anti-hero with a a story that is tragic simply because everyone knows it so well.

It is difficult to avoid pitying Willy Loman once you get to know him. Truthfully, he called for his own death sentence through his actions. Death of a Salesman should serve as a warning to its readers, that even an ordinary man can live out a tragedy if he reaches for the wrong dream.
 
     
sieze the fire
 
   
01:24am 09/10/2006
  life is too delicious right now, school is tinged with a bit of disaster but i am not worrying about it and therefore it is just fine, and i'm occupied with having a messy clumsy teenage beginning-life just like i should be, and i'm happy as hell. daniel and i have been together 3 months, i went to kc with schelbi and nicole and spent some time with him yesterday. i'm going to start going to the park or for a long walk every day again like i used to, i had an incredible urge to get outside today and it felt lovely, if i stay inside too much i get ill. i am just wondering why i move at this strange slow pace, i can daydream for hours or read or meditate and it feels like something i need, but the i am expecting to take up a job soon, learn how to drive, in addition to school and painting as often as possible... oh well, i'll do it all anyway  
     
1 burned bright| sieze the fire
 
   
07:40pm 26/09/2006
  i love ee cummings.  
     
sieze the fire
 
   
09:50pm 25/09/2006
 
mood: horny
christian: lmao ow.
christian: bela snapped me with his wet towel
christian: lol
cherryskyx: omg
cherryskyx: you should snap his face with your dick
christian: ya i should

this weekend was soooo good.. daniel didn't go to KC after all (: schelbi's party kicked ass, i got there a bit late.. i was greeted by kayleigh and the most fucking awesome fuzzy caterpillars ever. the photos i took of them show them looking like bundles of explodey lightfuzz, so you can't fathom their true cuteness. max , nicole, audra, hoshi, stephanie, and other NEM goers were there, and this adorable girl i met once at audra's house, and of course daniel. we gamed, we caked, we movied, we consumed junk food, we talked, we laughed. then we pretended daniel was a girl so he could sleep next to me on the hardest floor in the world, and he proceeded to make it very clear to me that he wasn't female at all. in the morning, we had carrot cake with coffee (excellennnt), did usual morning sleepover things, daniel left and i later had my mom take audra and i over to his house. we hung out, and one of the best moments of my young life had to be when audra and daniel were cuddling me on his bed, we were eating ramen and talking and singing along to the cure, all tired and happy. i took a few photos, and after audra got bored we went to rent eurotrip (which i hadn't seen), and stopped on the way to audra's to check out halloween shops where we tried on stripper heels.. and yes daniel had a gorgeous pair of hot pink patent, open toed pumps with a 6 inch platform heel XD hawtness. audra was enamoured with a talking frankenstein head in a bubble and we found kryptonite glowsticks. at audra's, daniel and i played around some more, talked, and watched eurotrip, which kicked complete ass. i was tired as hell and went to sleep right as soon as i got home.

next weekend is the wichita ren fair, where i will be a massage wench, and the weekend after that we will go to the KC one. this time, i will surely have a cover to prevent my mom from sacrificing me to the gods of bitchiness, and i cannot waitttt. it will be good to get the hell out of wichita for a while, totally away from parental influence, and finally alone with daniel for a bit.
 
     
3 burned bright| sieze the fire