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Ignorant to Reality [entries|friends|calendar]

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[19 Feb 2005|01:13pm]
I apologise for doing this so suddenly.

But my journal isn't really the same anymore. I write in it to understand myself, it's not something thats a sharing kind of thing anymore.

It was brilliant knowing you all and maybe when my life isn't so strange we can be friends again.
Thanks for sticking with me.

[25 Jul 2004|03:48pm]
My overrides are seriously messed up, therefore no one can view my LJ. If anyone have some free time, can they help me?
7 comments|post comment

[17 Feb 2004|08:53pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

Holidays are never really holidays are they? I have a whole week off, but ya wanna know how i'm spending them?
* Coursework (x2)
* Homework (x4)
* Making exam time tables (x6)

That is not a holiday i tell ya!! But the bright side is, i'm going to a friend's tomorrow, around 1pm, four of us are gonna be there scoffing our faces at our food fest and watching Bruce Almighty - not my choice, i was forced. They wanted the others, as well. But i stood firm in my denial, i am soo NOT getting so scared when night comes i need to wake up my 10 yr old sister to sleep on my bedroom floor (what happened after the Ring, both times i watched it). But i feel guilt in one thing, and one thing only. I'm lying to my parents. I'm not allowed out at all, day or night, especially not the cinema, friend's houses, fast food places etc. So i told them it was Olga's 16th birthday, and that it would be her last one with me being there as we were all going to different colleges/sixth forms after may, and that she had come down town when it was my birthday. Blah, blah, blah.

I've got a dentists appointment at 10am, as has my mom, so we're going there then straight down town. But i'm going to my favourite place in the midst of the shops, the LIBRARY! whoo, lets all get excited, it is actually one of my fav. places, so peaceful and i always get excited to coming back home if i've picked out a few good books. And then at 12, i'm olga to go get ice cream and cake then we'll go back to the bus station, meet the others, catch the bus to her house. I'm a little worried i might see my mom when getting cake and ice cream, i sorta told her i was meeting olga at 3:30, so i could come home later.

I've composed a list of over 100 books i want, from the public library, you can order them, so i'm going about 5 books each time i go there. I'm a little excited over that. Strange, i know. But reading books, is a really cool thing, you sorta take peeks into different worlds and other people's lifes, it makes me want more outta life.

I applied to a grammar sixth form, but i'm really confused about were i should go after high school, i've narrowed it doewn to only sixth forms, so i've got a choice of 3 ...if they all accept me, which if i'm lucky they will. Something really puzzles me. I am constantly worryin' over my furture and that my grades aren't good enough, but when i look at other people i wonder what the hell they're gonna do. Their grades are soo not good. Mine are pretty good, all passes, i'm hoping for all As and Bs, maybe an odd C. A friend's dropped like three subjects and is still getting, Ds and Es. She's always out with her b/f trying out new ways for sex, and another's sorta doesn't come to school that often. I love my friends at times, for all their support and help. But one particular friend, continues to offend me, she's one of my closest, she is actually the one whose house i'm going to tommorrow. She really weirds me out. Lets get all gossipy and whiny shall we, coz i'm in the mood for it.

Friday, i had my very very long hair loose, but a little of it tied back to keep it outta me eyes, and in English, Olga picks up a strand of hair, starts playing with it, i tense up becoz i'm waitin for a insult. And sure enough when i tell her to get off, she's all, "but it's so messy and eurgh." okay, i'm not like the idiot girls in my school, who are always armed with a brush, mirror and their make-up bag, but it wasn't actually all that messy. And she is ALWAYS telling me and others, but mainly me how much better at history she is than me. Which sorta pisses me off, and a hell of a lotta others, i need history, i need a fuckin pass at least if i'm goin into law. She should just keep her "oh, i'm so good's" to herself, coz no one is bloody interested.

I am soo gonna pass every single one of my exams with a B or a A, *i hope* lol

that's my rant for the week.

19 comments|post comment

[14 Feb 2004|09:33pm]
[ mood | blah ]

My conscience finally kicked in. i've been putting this journal on hold for a while, so unfortuantaely i didn't get a chance to comment on othere people's journals either. I will take a good look at them tomorrow, *hopefully*

My latest news is i suppose applying to my many colleges and sixth forms, yeas i know it's an exciting process, and it does seem to be the most important thing happening. I've had a letter back, and my interview's for the 24th Feb, i feel a little guilty attending it, as i know pretty well, that i won't be going there. I've widened my choices and begun looking at Grammar sixth forms. Applied for this morning, i should be happy, but it doesn't do what i want, well not exactly. Plus the fact it's miles away, and i have little idea how the hell to get there. if i don't get accepted there, then it's to another place, which isn't all too bad actually.

I'm going to a friends on wednesday, we're gonna have a food fest between five of us. And as i'll be getting a little money, i think i'll go crazy with it. I'm getting the ice cream and choclate cake, but i want more! We're watchin Bruce almighty. Not my choice, i think it looks a little crap, but all i've heard is good reviews for it.

oooh! I finally watched Pirates of Carribean, it displays Depp, very well! *licks lips slowly* He is pretty delicious in it, with his humourous ways. I can't stop grinning!

How's valentines day going? I actually forgot for a while, and remembered a few minutes ago, it seems like a regular saturday, if you ignore all the romantic stuff on telly. It's difficlt to believe people r out gettin mushy, but maybe it'll happen to me one day lol, funny to think it will.

8 comments|post comment

[25 Jan 2004|05:29pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Last night around 1 o'clock am, i was just moocjing about, so my radio/tape player thing and sorta wondered what the hell would be on at this time o' night. For some reason proctically every station had good things on. The best thing was, i knew a lotta the songs, who sung them and stuff. Sounds stupid, put i usually have no clue to what they are.

I finally found what sorta music i like: CLASSICAL! strange, but after listening to classical FM all day, i feel okay, not as blocked up and as rushed as i usually do, so that's cool. I'm looking forward to seeing my friends' faces when i tell them tomorrow.

2 comments|post comment

[25 Jan 2004|05:28pm]
[ mood | blah ]


Your Lyrics

Perfect by nature
Icons of self-indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about our world that
Never was and never will be
Have you no shame ? Don't you see me ?
You know you've got everybody fooled
Look here, she comes now
Bow down and stare in wonder !
Oh how we love you !
Too bad we didn't know she
Never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
Somehow you've got everybody fooled
Never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
Somehow you've got everybody fooled
Never was and never will be
You're not real and you can't save me
Somehow now you're everybody's fool

What Evanescence song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

i wanted immortal or bring me to life.

2 comments|post comment

[24 Jan 2004|10:13pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

I cannot believe i haven't updated in almost a week, i warned you school would do that to me. For anyone who's shrinking away from my layout, you should be told i'm still working on it, it's not the final thing. Seriously, green is not my colour, i think that's the last thing i tried doing. I changed it from S2 to S1, so i can't get hold of that burgandy colour again and i'm stuck with lepreacan greens and sky bluies, yeuch!

I found out that i will be leaving high school in around three months and will be taking my exams in four. I keep repeating it over and over, and i thought it was beginning to sink in, but obviously not as i say it/type is so very casually. I want to revise so much that when the day comes i'll be listening to music or just chilling out, i'll be so confident. But first i'm gonna get two courseworks outta the way, then i'm into revision mode, you probably weon't hear from me as much, but if i get a chance i'll take a looky at your journals. I've applied for two places so far, ones a college, the others a sixth form. I have little idea where the two are. I'm trying to get hold of another application form, but am having a little difficulty. A few nights ago i sat down and looked over all the different career information i had requested from our careers advisor. I didn't change my mind, if only i got a little more determined on becoming a lawyer. But i'm a little worried on two things, 1) going half way then failing and 2)not knowing how to become a lawyer, what courses to choose and such. I think that i can get the grades. I'm looking for all passes, hopefully B and above, but i might get a handful of Cs, which won't be too bad.

I've got my dad angry with me again, i'm really worried, it happens so often, this morning i was just in a weird moody mood, and was pretty quiet, i did something which pissed off my parents. So my moms gone off to my grans with my sisters and brothers and dad's stayed home with me. You see they can't leave me home alone, no real idea why, i don't do anything. We were planning to go together, but like all things i messed it up. Its hard when you annoy and hurt people without meaning to and don't know what to say. I'm so used to it, it's getting ridiculously pathetic. This weekends been a mess, i was hoping to get loads done and outta the way, and i suppose i have, but i just can't push myself to do things properly. I keep crying about random stuff.

I love it when you put the washing outside, and minutes later the rain comes in bucket-fuls, or rather hailstones like this morning and you rush out to grab them. Your fingers go nubm and you can't see through the rain, it gives me a sense of freedom. Getting wet it annoying and disgusting when i'm in my school uniform. But when i'm wearing old stuff, and i get wet i feel sorta radiant, refreshed standing near the fire trying to feel my fingers again. But i don't want it to happen so my mom and dad rush out and get soaked, coz they're both get ill easily.

This morning when my mom sorta told me dad was pissed off, and wasn't talking to me. She said something that hurt, but i should've been prepared for. Coz my dad's a heart patient, we have to be careful not to agitate him or anger him coz he gets a lot of pain mainly in his chest. It upsets us all so fuckin much, it's unfair. Well my mom, just said, don't do this to us, i'm warning you not to mess this up for us. Meaning don't mess up my family, which didn't include me. I know that probably wouldn't annoy anyone else, but i get a lot of comments, like someone close, who i love, depend on, trust, when angry tells me several times that she wishes i went to school and had an accident and never came back, so the family could be at peace, another told me that he was the only one who loved me, everyone else in the family despised me and would turn on me soon, i belived him, like 13 year olds do. Before you start thinking bad things about me, let me make sure you know a few things, which are my self rules: no sex before marriage, no dating or even liking boys, no drugs, absolutely no drink, never smoking. I've kept every single one except liking someone, but i somehow forces myself outta it. So it couldn't have been something special. I expect to keep these rules forever. Although i'm not a sex-maniac, i'm fine with people who do that stuff, i try not to judge people. And so far, i've only met a few people i've disliked because of their habits.

Ain't i depressing today?

9 comments|post comment

[19 Jan 2004|08:01pm]
[ mood | rushed ]

My screen is driving me bonkers-it keeps flicking blue/purple.
As for my layout i'm still sorting it out.
Hope you all have a lovely night.
Au revoir

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[17 Jan 2004|02:34pm]
[ mood | amused ]

You are a Mummy! You have been known to be really
wrapped up with yourself at times. You have
loved and lost and that hurt. You now like to
go through life messing up everyone elses

What kind of monster are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

couldn't resist.

5 comments|post comment

[17 Jan 2004|02:25pm]
[ mood | productive ]

You're a Mystical. You don't fit in in any way and
most people just find you weird, but you are in
a group. You are respected by everyone, even
though you're just really different.

What kind of group person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Not too bad, a little of it's right. I first got dreamy/dreamer but went back and tried again.

I dunno if we looked at the same pictures, but i'm getting nice responses back, some even a little more than nice lol.

It's my mom's b'day today, i'm such an idiot i totally forgot and had to go back downstairs to tell her, happy b'day. We have to go to my grandparents house tonight, they don't know it's their daughters b'day, they just think we haven't been round recently. I think it has something to do with my sister, telling my mom something, then my mom telling my grandparents. It's almost like gossip, but my cousin lives with my grand... and she knows about things we don't,she in turn tells my sister, then she tells etc. You get the idea. That was what i was worried about thursday, but the night turned out fine. It's tonight which i'm dreading, i think we're gonna have the spanish inquistion launched on us. My grand parents can get fioerce when they want to, and in Islam whatever the elders say, goes. Shall report back later.

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[12 Jan 2004|01:48pm]
[ mood | groggy ]

Hello everyone
First off, i'm able to write this now, because i don't feel to good so no school today. Nothing serious, just thought what the hell. But i managed to watch Drive me Crazy. Although it's not added to my favourites, it wasn't all bad, they're such a gorgeous couple.

Sorry i haven't updated so much, i come on the computer but something makes me put in the games CD, with the game-house of dead. I get further each time, which is what makes me keep playing, i went to the third levekl last time, judging by the fact there is 4 levels in total a huge freeky mondter at the end of each, not bad, not bad at all. But it scares the hell outta me, i keep shrinking from the screen and shoot blindly. I hope i'm not addicted.

The photos shall be here on Tuesday.

I might go watch walk to remember now, we'll see. i love having days off.

8 comments|post comment

[10 Jan 2004|03:13pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I've just sent my dad off with a roll of film to get developed. I'm a little nervous about the results beacuse on the last few pictures, i realised there was a finger-print on the lens, which may have been there a while.

Last night i was up till around one, just doing my homework, and the strangest thing is it sort of felt good. Not good because i had homework, but good beacuse i realised
1. I knew what i was doing, strangely enough
2. i was getting it done
i had impressively long trains of thought, ecpecially on my history coursework. It's about how women got the vote, i never knew there was so much to it: people's opinions, the war, campaigns, why they got the vote after war, why they didn't get it before, governments attitudes etc. History is never straight forward, but it's getting less work though. I also did maths-about LOKI, not as bad as i first thought and science-how heat travels, one way being radiation.

I'll let you know how the pics turn out.

8 comments|post comment

[09 Jan 2004|09:53pm]
[ mood | amused ]

goddess of the moon. You stand for love and
wisdom.You are light up the night sky

What beutiful goddess are you?(with anime pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

The moon's nice.

Ain't he sexy? my icon picture i mean. I'm getting used to seeing his pretty face every time i come on, not a bad sight.

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[09 Jan 2004|09:16pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Feels a little like a letter this, i told you i'd begin to update less, but i felt i should give you a new entry. A look into my *exciting* life. Tis finally the weekend, something every student has probably waited for, usually the first week back at school is the longest, but as we started on Tuesday, it's gone really quick, amazingly quick even. It's nice being with friends again, but the way teachers get back to the old and dusty routine is annoying and tiring. In these four days i've been given a hell of a lota homework, some of which i should start tonight.

I borrowed Drive me Crazy, the girl from the Sabrina the teenage witch is in it, and this other actor. The blur is something along the lines of:
They were both dumped, wanted to make their ex's jealous, but they ended up falling for each other. I don't think i've spoiled it as that's what was on the back. It seems good, but has the story line of a x-men evolution fanfic that i'm reading, so i'm hoping it'll be good.

For those in the UK, is x-men:Evolution ever returning to ITV1 on sunday mornings on GMTV:Up on the roof? I miss it so much! i think they have spider-man on now or smething. You may not have figured it yet, but i have a very weak spot for x-men, good animation films 'specially Disney! They're so cool, they're funny, good plot lines, pinch of romance, sometimes adventure.

The night before yesterday, i was trying to get to sleep but figured it wasn't happening unless i was tired, the best way is to read. So i picked up Reckoning, 13th wicca book. I only meant to read the first few chapters and challenge sleep, but i was completely hoked. i finished it an hour an a half later. I need to ramble a little about it, just so i can clear my head up a little. Do not read if you have not read the thirteenth wicca/sweep book by Cate Tiernan. (sweep in US and i think Australia and NZ, but Wicca in UK)
Read more...Collapse )

Like i said, don't read the above if...etc. I don't like repeating. It's full of spoilers which wll make you hate me for.

Ya'll have a great weekend, will try and enjoy mine.

6 comments|post comment

[07 Jan 2004|09:16pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

I'm not usually so affeceted by songs, but the odd one does it for me. Bring me back-Evanescence is so great, a little old now, but so great. What sort of music is it? Rock and ...

Earlier i was in a really crap mood, i thought my dad had gone all moody on me coz i was a little pissed off with the world earlier, when he talked to me and i wasn't all that nice, but he's fine.

Tomorrow i'll be home later, as sad as it may sound, i'm going to after school science revision classes, i want that A! What A? I have no idea, i just want something my mom will not have a rant about, more importantly i want it because... i just do. I have to realise that i'm doing it for myself, not anyone else. Shouldn't be too hard :D

5 comments|post comment

[07 Jan 2004|08:07pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Forgot to add, that i probably won't get a chance to comment on hardly anyone's journal til the weekend when i have free time, but i'll try in-between.

What d'ya think of my icon? Stolen from killerbeautiful

Did the link work? Probably not, first time i've tried it.

1 comment|post comment

[06 Jan 2004|08:21pm]
[ mood | okay ]

Last night was so bad. I can never sleep before having to go back to school, not because i can't wait or coz i'm dreading it. Just think about everything relating to school - friends, college, work. I was up til around 3, then woke up at 7. Felt like crap, my shoulders were killing due to all the positions i tried. Does anyone have any advice, if you can't sleep and you need to, what do you do? I tried reading, finished Garth Nix's, Sabriel.

That is such a cool book, the author has a lot of imagination and has the skill to cram so much information in one book, the ending was brilliant. I shall soon be ordering the next one.

School, you have some teachers who let you chill on the first or last day, and you have those who were born slave-drivers. Had a mix of them. My I.T teacher was worse, i had no idea what the hell he was yapping on about, but then again i never do. Guess what? i might be pushing my grade up to a B in science, i found two extra marks in my exam when we went through it, so it should look pretty good on my applications if i was estimated a C and got a B.

My presents were loved, much to my surprise, which was cool. Best of all they shared the chocolates with me! They asked me what i wanted, but i dunno. Give me some ideas, that way i don't get something i don't want. I like books, vampire stuff, jewelerry. But i don't like chocolate, stationary, candles.

I have to go, i've recently joined an Anita Blake rpg, and i'm having trouble understanding the stupid posts everyone's sending. I also have to get my characater going, not an easy task.

4 comments|post comment

[05 Jan 2004|05:00pm]
[ mood | rushed ]

A quick update.

I'm back at school tomorrow as is everyone else including m mom, so we're all really busy. I've managed to wrap everything but each present is wrapped with a different paper coz we've run out.

Has anyone watched Bedazzled? Coz i taped it, but the tape ran out so the end wasn't taped. The one with Brendan Fraser and Elizabeth Hurely?

5 comments|post comment

[04 Jan 2004|08:41pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I finally completed my list, except for doing my homework. i should probably get onto that soon, i'm going back to school Tuesday! I also have to wrap a load of presents, i'm not sure how becuase we're running pretty low on wrapping

If any of you get as bored as i do, check out this brilliant site. It's my fanfic :D. Have you read L.J.Smith's Nightworld series? if so, it'll make sense. If not and you want me to fill you in on some of the details than my fic will make some sense, sure just ask.
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1316267 paper.

Also, i'm putting on so much weight, actually i wouldn't know, i don't do near the scales, but i can feel it. Does anyone have any suggestions about what i could eat that would fill me up and not leave me wanting more?

I watched a little of the film Predator last night, the first half hour was full of fighting, killing, shooting. Your basic boringness. There's a sequel which my sister has taped, i'll watch it soon when i camn be bothered. I keep remembering that film, A Walk To Remember. I recommend it if you like teen romances, but this is thankfully not full of sex scenes or anything involving sex, it'a a nice innocent romance.

I'm going down now to go eat pasta. I'm so bored, i don't think i'll come online again til tomorrow.
night, night.

7 comments|post comment

[04 Jan 2004|12:42am]
[ mood | calm ]

Does anyone want me to send them this forward? It's basically about how lucky you are, but the best thing is the music. I've saved it in my mail box and listen to it a lot. Keeps me from throwing things when i'm bored. It's like piano music and i absolutely love it, even though it's making me fall asleep.

If so, leave your e-mail and i'll send it you soon.

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