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Sunday, June 6, 2004

1:26AM - in case you werent aware..

This is one of my favorite songs.Collapse )

(It's fair that you know )

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

7:10PM

sitting around, no work today
try pacing to keep awake
laying around, no school today
just drink until the clock has circled all the way
it is late afternoon
as you walk through the rooms
of a house that is quiet
except for unanswered telephones
you stand near the sink
while you're mixing a drink
you think you don't want to pass out
where your roommates will find you again
stumble around the neighborhood with nothing to do
you're always looking for something
to sniff, smoke, or swallow
calling over next door to see what they got
but you would settle for anything
that would make your brain slow down or stop
break this circle of thoughts you chase
before the catch back up with you
and your parents noticied your thinning face,
all the weight you lost
all the weight you are losing
you said, "i'm done feeling like a skeleton
no more sleep walking dead"
you're going to wake from this coma
you're going to crawl from this bed you have made
and stop counting on that camera
that hangs round your neck
because it won't ever remember
what you choose to forget
as you try to find some source of light
try to name one thing you like
you used to have such a longer list
and light you never had to look for it
but now it's so easy to second guess everything you do
until all you want is to finish this half empty glass
before the ice melts away
this feeling used to pass
but seems like it's every day and every night now

-a line allows progress, a circle does not, Bright Eyes

(It's fair that you know )

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

12:51AM

those i can relate with are scrolling across the screen

01. I am perfectly content to sit by myself for hours listening to the same songs over and over again.
02. I'm a loud obnoxious bitch.*sometimes*
03. I would love to do country line dancing.
04. I don't really care about...anything.
05. I can completely lose myself in a song.
06. Driving aimlessly while blasting music is therapeutic.
05. I love autumn.
06. I hate turtleneck sweaters with a passion.
07. My friends mean the world to me.
08. I also hate when people TypE LyKe D1s.
09. I only get 3-4 hours of sleep a night
10. I believe that even if they work, long distance relationships still suck.
11. Fuck computers
12. I don't like people
13. I like shopping for underwear.
14. I don't like studying.
15. I want to go to Law school.
16. Sometimes I feel like passing out in the middle of the floor for no reason.
17. I want to go to Europe.
18. I have a lot to learn.
19. I'm vegetarian.
20. I sometimes like to watch the rain and think.
21. I like classic rock
22. Johnny Depp is really hot.
23. Groups of the same kind of people make me sick. (at times)
24. I can type rather fast.
25. I wish I could sleep better.
26. I wish love was like a movie
27. I'm not a huge fan of the holidays.
28. Irish people make me sick after reading "angelas ashes".
29. I want to win the lottery one day.
30. I like the Starting Line.
31. I trust people way too easily. sometimes
32. I don't have a job.
33. I dont like a lot of people
34. I say fuck to charities.
35. I know a lot of people, but only have a few close friends.
36. I'm easy to get along with
37. I'm a very aggressive person.
38. I like having "beauty nights" with my friends.
39. I need to find something I'm talented in and stick to it.
40. I'm very insecure, even though I don't show it.
41. I really enjoy thoughtful gifts, even if they cost nothing.
42. I never want to live in Australia.
43. I'm too agressive.*sometimes*
44. I love flavored lipgloss
45. Sometimes words can actually hurt me more than sticks and stones.
46. The movie honey makes me sick. Ive never seen it but I know it will.
47. I like holding hands more than anything.
48. I have no life.
49. Sometimes, I like spending time alone.
50. I'm not a big fan of relationships.
51. It needs to be quiet and dark for me to fall asleep.
52. I miss being kissed.
53. I love to find money in my coat pockets.
54. In the winter i never want to leave my house.
55. I wish I was good with directions.
56. I'm pretty good with forgetting about things.
57. I like to read childrens stories.
58. I dye/cut my hair way too much.
59. Emotional neediness scares the crap out of me.
60. Hearing people say they miss me, when I thought they didn't care, makes me smile.
61. I sometimes wish I was black.
62. One of my favorite movies is Life as a House.
63. I'm very loud.
64. I feel like something's missing, even though I'm pretty content with my life right now.
65. My hair has a mind of it's own, and that mind is a paranoid schizophrenic.
66. I think meat is disgusting.
67. I don't care what anyone thinks of me.
68. I don't like having a boyfriend.
69. the song iris by the goo goo dolls is one of my favorite songs.
70. I've never been in love.
71. I get really excited about girls/boys who play acoustic guitar.
72. I have never seen E.T..
73.I am drawn to intellect and humor.
74. I want my hair to be long but I can never grow it out.
75. I hate when people do things just to look important.
76. I love the game twister.
77. I'm not old-fashioned.
78. I love waking up next to someone.
79. I'm not picky about anything.
80. I like acting like a kid.
81. I don't understand why everyone feels the need to be obsessed with star shaped things
82. Music plays a big part in my life.
83. I hate the word "emo"
84. I want silky smooth skin.
85. I love Oprah.
86. Sometimes I think to myself: Wow. People are really fucking stupid. (then i remember i am one)
87. Stupid people annoy me.
88. I may sound sarcastic but I really am serious.
89. I can forgive and forget.
90.I like being mean to people I don't know.
91. I can't stand ignorance.
92. Really tall people scare me.
93. I hate snow.
94. I love to laugh.
95. I don't listen to people that much.
96. I HATE hello kitty shit.
98. I think people throw the word love around too much.
99. I am way too outgoing.

(It's fair that you know )

Saturday, May 1, 2004

5:44PM - monkies in tuxedos

monkey knife fights

break-dancing monkies

hahahahah ha ha

(It's fair that you know )

Monday, April 19, 2004

4:51AM

DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egoistic.Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor.

(It's fair that you know )

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

5:14AM

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.
From the desperate city you go into the desperate country, and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats.
A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind.
There is no play in them, for this comes after work.
But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things.

--Thoreau

(It's fair that you know )

Saturday, April 10, 2004

12:34AM

haha wine is utterly disgusting but i have nothing else to intoxicate me in any way.

(It's fair that you know )

Wednesday, April 7, 2004

1:34AM

Teenage angst has paid off well
Now I'm bored and old
Self-appointed judges judge
More than they have sold

If she floats than she is not
A witch like we had thought
A down payment on another
One at salem's lot

Serve the servants - Oh no

That legendary divorce is such a bore

As my bones grew they did hurt
They hurt really bad
I tried hard to have a father
But instead I had a dad

I just want you to know that I
Don't hate you anymore
There is nothing I could say
That I haven't thought before

Serve the servants - Oh no

That legendary divorce is such a bore

Serve the servants - Oh no

That legendary divorce is such a bore

(It's fair that you know )

Tuesday, April 6, 2004

12:25AM

1) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:

"..where such newcomers as tsunami, bikini kill.."

2) Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?

my laundry basket

3) What is the last thing you watched on TV?

Dazed and confused on iControl ppv

4) WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is.

hmmm 1:00 exactly

5) Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?

1:06

6) With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?

some guy on E! talking to some woman about her "pricey pooches"

7) When did you last step outside? what were you doing?

about an hour ago..walking from my car to my apartment

8) Before you came to this website, what did you look at?

my buddy list

9) What are you wearing?

flaired jeans, green tmnt shirt, white pyramid belt, white socks.

10) Did you dream last night?

Yes actually and it was quite interesting..i was sitting on a patch of four leaf clovers quoting something corporate "Lyyyying on a patch of four leaf cloooovers!"("Konstantine") crazy, huh?

11) When did you last laugh?

earlier tonight when i was talking to allana about how my brother "accidently" ordered a porn on ppv.

12) What is on the walls of the room you are in?

nada

13) Seen anything weird lately?

too many to name just one.

14) Last movie you saw?

dazed and confused

15) If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?

an 04 honda civic coupe haha

16) Tell me something about you that I don't know

I'm seriously a caffeine junky.

17) If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?

shit..just ONE thing?

18) Do you like to dance?

noooo

19) George Bush:

idiot.

20) Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?

Emma Riley whateverthedadslastnameis

21) [Same question for a boy]

Kristopher..i guess


---------------------------------------------

last cigarette: like 10 minutes ago
last kiss: about 2 months ago
last good cry: a week or two ago
last library book checked out: Its been too long..these days if theres a book i want, i just buy it.
last cuss word uttered: fuck
last beverage drank: capri sun island refresher..which would go great with vodka or something.
last food consumed: grilled stuffed burrito :/
last phone call: from allana on my way home from work.
last tv show watched: nothing worth mentioning
last shoes worn: vans
last cd played: a mix cd
last item bought: cigarettes
last annoyance: co-workers
last disappointment: everyday hahaha
last soda drank: dr. pepper
last thing handwritten: a transaction number at work.
last word spoken: to my brother about how a lot of 70's trends are making a comeback.
it was lame.
last sleep: this morning
last ice cream eaten: birthday cake ice cream in my coffee a few days ago
last amused: just now
last time wanting to die: it comes and goes
last time in love: NEVER
last time hugged: yesterday
last time scolded: by oscar TONIGHT at work haha
last lipstick used: I use lip GLOSS
last shirt worn: this one
last webpage visited: livejournal.com
I was doing these things:
1 MINUTE AGO: updating
1 HOUR AGO: watching a movie
1 DAY AGO: sleeping
1 WEEK AGO: some old
1 YEAR AGO: unemployed, lonely and depressed
current mood: bored
current music: tv
current taste: fruity
current hair: ponytail
current annoyance: my boredom
current smell: cig smoke
current thing I should be doing: sleeping duh.
current desktop picture: some crappy cartoon my brother put on there.
current refreshment: capri sun yadda yadda
current worry: various bills.
1. What do you most like about your body: my boobs and my face, i suppose because I havent had any horrible break-outs in a long time.
2. And least? my hair and eyes
3. How many fillings do you have? 0
4. Do you think you're good looking? sometimes
5. Do other people tell you that you're good looking? yeah somtimes but I always think theyre lying.

(It's fair that you know )

Monday, April 5, 2004

5:03AM

Why I like this song..I don't know.Collapse )

(It's fair that you know )

3:55AM - BECAUSE I'M NOT FUCKING EATING BREAD!!!!!

have you seen that commerical for Verizon wireless aol instant messenger?..this guy is IMing his girlfriend or whoever and theyre doing the whole:
I LuV u
no-I LUV YOU more!

.. thing over and over and over again..and the guy's roommate, annoyed by the IM chimes jumps out of bed and smashes the other guy's computer with a sledgehammer or something. It gave me a laugh.

god damn. I want some pizza..my brother ordered some earlier and when i got home..there it fucking was, taunting me on the counter..but..i refused! why?? BECAUSE I'M NOT FUCKING EATING BREAD. I guess i could pull the cheese and pepperoni off but it wouldnt be the same.
I just want to see how much more weight i can lose by NOT EATING BREAD.
I guess i'll make some scrambled eggs with CHEESE AND SOME SORT OF MEAT or something.

I'm really dissatisfied with the bitch that i have become.
the above statement just sort of crossed my mind and i had to expel it.

Current mood: hungry

(It's fair that you know )

Thursday, April 1, 2004

3:15AM - I'm a little worried..you said, "hell to the no"

Kimey and Mr. Invisible
  • Doing their best to have many surrogate girls.
  • Resent having to arm-wrestle as it mightn't lead to pregnancy
  • Dance terribly and have plenty of fun.
Orchestrated by ianiceboy


thats healthy.

I somehow manged to get my car's cd player to read my mates of state cd the other day..and kept it in there for like 3 days straight..then took it out to play another cd..then put it back in today and BITCH ASS wouldnt play it(its a burned copy from chelcey and i managed to scratch it up like hell..so, its kind of stubborn). I cleaned it with my hoodie ten billion times and massaged it and jerked it off and STILL. I would retire it but I can NOT find another copy of this cd anywhere..and believe me, I'VE LOOKED at every music store i've happened to browse..along with looking for their other album, my solo project. No dice.


I
am distracted
want a new car(not that i NEED a NEW one. I've just found myself fantasizing about having a cute new little car like an eclipse or a civic coupe or something)
think i have ADD
have been eating much healthier these days..yesterday all i ate was a ceasar salad with grilled chicken..same for today.
am relaxed by the vocal stylings of norah jones
don't remember when i started to care.
wait yeah i do

work
has reached that point of being purely monotonous. i could totally do it with my hands tied behind my back
and
i can tune everyone out
will never be dramatic..no matter how hard it tries.
is only money

home
is boring


my friends
are like phantoms
and
i hate that

nutshell.

Current mood: itchy

(It's fair that you know )

Monday, March 29, 2004

3:28AM

Whats with the band, the darkness??
really..
whats their deal?
the head bands, white spandex body suits?
?

(8 would rather not say | It's fair that you know )

3:17AM

Hey should I just delete this journal? si or no?

Current mood: gay

(2 would rather not say | It's fair that you know )

Thursday, February 26, 2004

3:22AM

we are ok, in a disabled veterans way, but we are ok.

(It's fair that you know )

Thursday, January 29, 2004

4:40AM - eww..no one cares about your IBS symptoms.

I guess while i'm here i'll post a "rerun". This is just some random entry from the beginning of my senior year. Buuut..look at that:Grumpy, listening to tool and subject line containing NIN lyrics. I'm so cool.

@ 2001-09-05 23:24:00
Current mood: grumpy
Current music: tool-"stinkfist"

turn off the sun..pull the stars from the
sky..the more i give to you..the more i die


im so much more fun when im alone..COMPLEATLY alone...i realized that..its very strange..i know it SOUNDS strange too. when im alone ..well, first off, i talk to myself alot and i come up with the weirdest, (sometimes FUNNIEST) shit..its a good thing though, i suppose..b/c you truly are your own bestfriend! for example..you CAN make yourself mad (disapoint yourself,feel guilty etc) but, you KNOW that eventually you will forgive yourself, right?..lets see ..what else? umm..OH yea..theres NO awkward silences between you and YOURSELF! and IF there is..heh dont worry..its pretty normal. (define that word for yourself..)
BUT, if youre a strange kid like me..then you kinda worry about yourself when your not throwing issues around in your mind and bouncing them back and fourth like millions of sticky, rubber balls..
yeaaaa...so anyway..i treated Allana's little boyfriend pretty decent today(believe in miracles)...and, man did i surprize myself..Today started out so freakin shitty..(i woke up feeling really depressed and annoyed..plus ive felt ugly all week) but, by lunch time i was in a pretty good mood ..and i was able to tolerate his personality..(aww..arent i a sweetheart?)..i havent eaten at all today..we have nothing here that i desire to eat..oh well



those old entries always make me say, "damn". tis all.

(It's fair that you know )

4:15AM - O, say can you see?

I actually wrote something here but unfortunately livefuckingjournal ATE IT. It wasnt meant to be seen. Thats how i take it. whatever.
So, instead I will just post some lyrics

Driven conversations, even I can read
Wouldn't want to fake it, and I'm tired of this dream
Taking medications, in the back of the room
Driven conversations, he died in June.

See the stab wounds in his hands
See him dying in his room
He's dying in his room
He's dying in his room
Heading for me, heading this way
He is coming, I don't care

Wouldn't want to fake it, well I don't mind
Giving conversations to a friend of mine
Giving medications, in a lighted room
Wouldn't want to fake it, I know I should

See the stab wounds in his hands
You killed him, I don't care
Keep a promise, you would too
Keep a promise, even you
See the silence in his head
He is coming, I don't care

We're not gonna make it, well I don't mind
Wouldn't want to fake it, but I have this time
Giving conversations, to whom they don't know
Taking medications till my stomach's full.

See a famine in his head
See him coming at their heels
He loves you, give him a chance
I don't love him, I don't care
See him starving, give her hell
It is over, we don't care In His Room
.

(It's fair that you know )

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

4:07AM - "I had to get rid of the folks who don't understand me, and don't even want to try."

This is NOT a rerun.

so, it appears that the world is not ending..therefore, i've felt the need to come to a descision..actually its happened over time. I'm going to enroll at san jacinto-south for either spring semester or summer and go for my pre-laws.
Everyone seems to despise lawyers for some reason..reason of which i can understand of course but i've always found the law/criminal justice and all of that to be quite interesting so i'm going for it..and you know, i'm pretty easy to hate so it won't make that much of a difference. whatever though. i don't have to justify shit to anyone..its what i want to do.

theres so much more i want to say about this and other shit
but i'm not.

Current mood: capri-sun iced tea!

(It's fair that you know )

Friday, December 12, 2003

4:45AM

Clever got me this far
Then tricky got me in
I am what I'm after
I don't need another friend
Smile and drop the cliche
'Till you think I'm listening
I take just what I came for
Then I'm out the door again

Peripheral long the package
Don't care to settle in
Time to feed the monster
I don't need another friend
Comfort is a mystery
Crawling out of my own skin
Just give me what I came for, then I'm out the door again

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get just what I need
Lie to get what I crave
Lie and smile to get what's mine

I am what I'm after
I don't need another friend
Nod and watch your lips move
If you need me to pretend
Because clever got me this far
Then tricky got me in
I'll take just what I came for
Then I'm out the door again

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get what I need now
Lie to get what I'm craving
Lie and smile to get what's mine

Give this to me
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get what I need now
Lie to get what I'm craving
Lie to smile and get what's mine

Give this to me
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Give this to me

Take what's mine, take what's mine, mine...
Take what's mine, take what's mine, take what's mine,
This is mine, mine, mine


-a perfect circle-"the package"

(It's fair that you know )

Tuesday, December 9, 2003

5:17AM - don't lie. you so want to saw my arms off.

Sorry for the lack of reruns. Yeah posting these is more for my own personal amusement. Shall we proceed? OK. following entry was made Feb. 16, 2003 around 1am. I was babysitting this lady's pre-teen son..And for some reason i was apparently super-depressed. I guess because my brother was in a mental hospital or something petty like that. also appeared to be MAD at..SOMEONE. I made a hell of a lot more sense back then. So much more RATIONAL..but, i so thought i was insane. At any rate..this one is definitely on the "best-of" list. hahaha. Only someone so self-absorbed would create such a thing.


Current mood: tired
Current music: the beatles-hey jude


touched her soft dysfunctional skin..like peaches and cream.

I don't know.
I'd like to think of myself as one who is considerate of other's feelings..or just a considerate person in general. It sucks..often the people who are closest to me, (or so i consider close to me) can be so inconsiderate of my feelings. thats the way it goes though. Always kill the ones you love and love the ones you kill and all that shit.

sleep isnt coming easy for me tonight.
but i feel so..awkward staying awake all night here as I usually do at home..only on someone elses computer and such.
I hate myself.
and I hope youre suffering the way i am right now, not because you deserve it..just because as you already may know, misery loves company and in some indirect way you are causing MY misery..don't worry though, you'll never ever have to hear of it again. I'm done.

So, I'm going home tomorrow..maybe tomorow morning maybe tomorow evening..mom is supposed to come at 10 am though so we can go visit richie together..*sigh*
My head is so fucked beyond recognition right now.
dysfunction=beauty? um..i don't think so. I dont even remember where i heard that.
I suppose i could go smoke a cigarette then convince myself i am tired.
I want to cry. actually, at this point its not really about what i want..
forgive me. I hate myself. Its always the same self loathing bullshit. *stabs self in the throat*
*BIIIIG SMILE*
goodbye.
Make It Better


hah.
whats with all the *'s ?
thats fucking embarrassing.

(It's fair that you know )

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