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Sunday, June 27th, 2004
12:35 am
I feel like an ass for bringing drama into the crowd. But I need to use this journal also for my personal self to help me get through things. So if you don't need to be involved, don't read it.

Today, I was by myself in the bedroom and I had a strange down. It was one of those that I haven't had in such a long time, cause since Quinn, I couldn't find a damned thing to be upset about. But when I am by myself, I start thinking a lot, and it leads down a trail of bad thoughts, and I get myself depressed. It's a problem I have. I think too much when I'm alone. Which is why I'm about to type this huge entry.

I was thinking about not being able to get the pool clean yesterday, and how I was getting rather angry over it, and then I went along about thinking how I get when I'm angry, and I counted the numerous times that I've hurt someone when I'm angry. One of the biggest ones were Quinn. Our relationship started out horrible because we really weren't seeing each other, yet we were behind peoples back, and I had this undying love for him, but I was too loyal to back down to my significant other I was with, but I cheated anyway, and then I realized how easy it was and I got greedy. I forced Quinn into something totally tasteless, and totally disrespectful of me. I hurt him so badly and I regret every single moment of it. I regret breaking his heart and making him see fear in my eyes.

I thought about that so much, and how violent of a person I can become when I'm under a lot of frustration and anger. I then thought about the number one person that I remind myself of: my father. I think of how he had the same tolerance, the same temper, and just as little of control as I. It caused me to literally panick because I am so scared that I am going to one day, hit my own son, clearly out of uncontrollable anger. I would never ever, in my life, intentionally lay a finger on Hunter, because he is the second piece to my life. He is everything to me and I love him to death. But I also love Quinn more than anything and I hurt him. Why did I do it? Why do I let myself go so out of control that I hurt the ones I love?

I hurt myself when I am out of control. I cut myself so deep with retaliation the last time I was angry. It was the first time Hunter saw me angry and I just wanted to dig deeper because of that. I never ever want him to be afraid of me. I want him to trust me, because he knows that I am here to bear protective arms. I feel like I've contradicted myself by saying that I'm scared to hurt, yet I would never hurt. I wish there was a way to deal, or a way to carefully back down from it if it ever happened again. I don't want to scream and yell, I don't want to push and shove, and I definitely don't want anybody cutting. EVER. Because I know that through the actions of the past, I have left wounds on people that may not go way from a long time. And one of those persons is myself.

Quinn and I are going in before our wedding to get laser treatment done. I've been using scar hiding lotion for many months but it doesn't seem to work as well as I want it to. I don't want him to still be able to see them. I want him to believe that they were never there. I'm going to take it all away for him, and for myself. I thought they all went away, and then that big gash shows up after that one awful night. Thinking about it makes me want to do it over and over again, but I know that it's not right and that there's no need to. So, once and for all, we are going to end this together. There will be no more scars, no more cutting, no more bleeding. For anything. Not even for each other. We bleed through our hearts for each other...not through wounds and into carpet. I want this over with so we will never have to speak of it ever again, like we never had the habit, and like our skin was brand new and untouched. We are going to start a whole new life together, without sadness, but with bliss.

I need to take this all in so I can start off tomorrow in a better humor. I'm sorry for anyone who is offened, concerned, or upset. Everything's fine. Sometimes your brain goes on overdrive and it can't take it, so it goes into panic. It's a problem I've been facing for awhile, but I am conquering it with Quinn, and he saves me everytime. I love you so much, you always take the pain away.

current mood: discontent

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Friday, June 25th, 2004
4:56 pm
Okay, what is this. First I'm outside busting my ass on cleaning the pool cause it was so hot and now the wind shifted and it's getting cloudy and I had to close all the windows and throw a sweatshirt on. Sometimes Cali sucks.

I can't believe this...me and Quinn's wedding is in 23 days. It's on July 18, our anniversary, and can you believe it falls right on a Sunday? God, like anything could get any more perfect than it already is. Things are amazing enough right now, I can't imagine how much better we'll both feel when we'll be legally wed and officially belong to each other. *sigh* Thinking about it makes me so...cheerful and full of life. This is defintely gonna be the number 1 greatest day of my entire life. No, it's not the day I got my first paycheck from my record manager, no it's not the day I sung with Morrissey in the studio, it's going to be the day that Quinn and I prove our deepest love to each other. We've been through hell and heaven together...we deserve this day more than anything. I love him so much, nobody is ever going to replace him, and nobody is ever going to replace me.

Well...enough of my whimsical rambling, I must go now and try to warm up. Looks like it's gonna storm again, ugh. Have a good day guys.

peace

current mood: cold

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Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004
10:58 am
I hate my fuckin' layout. That's my goal today, to make a new layout.

Alright so...I dunno if you guys were familiar of my 2-year-old son, Hunter, great kid...but anyways, the other day Quinn and I decided to buy him a puppy cause he has this thing where he wants to take home every animal he sees. He wants the ducks in the pond, he wants the next door neighbor's cat. So now we have this adorable little golden retriever puppy, and as cute as it is, I want to kick it. I have never seen a dog as dependent as he is. It just stares at me. And then it follows me wherever I go. And then it whines, and then it cries. GOD. Someone pet this dog for me, please?

Anyways, I'm gonna sit back and watch MAURY. Cause he is like...a million times better than Oprah. YEAH. You heard me, Oprah. YOU SUCK. *ahem* I think...I'm gonna...*points to exit* Yeah.

peace

current mood: annoyed

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Thursday, June 17th, 2004
11:40 pm
Today could've been better. I don't really want to talk about it right now because it hurts enough to think of the possibilities. Once I can get some answers, I can be open, but not now.

I promise I'll have a better update tomorrow.

current mood: crushed

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Sunday, June 13th, 2004
5:40 pm
Man, I'm so...not cool enough to be involved with things. So I have done absolutely nothing lately. Someone call my cell or...call my home phone or...hey! Even message me! *hint nudge*

Watch me on PUNK'D, bitches.

peace

EDIT:Oh yeah, don't mind my ugly journal layout. I'm too lazy right now to spiff it up. Thanks.

current mood: bored

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Tuesday, June 8th, 2004
6:03 pm
And sooo...here I am once again. I am Joel Madden, of course you all know me--the lead singer of the band Good Charlotte. Hate me or not, I'm still gonna be here and I won't go away.

So since I hate introduction posts, why don't you do your homework and message me to get an intro, hm? Leave me one at dcXthuggin.

peace

current mood: good

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