I had to write this somewhere because it's driving me crazy.
Despite all the things he's done and how he broke my heart...I still like him. Like is not a strong enough word, but I'm a little afraid to type love.
If he's happy, then I guess I'm happy too.
I made peace with him,
even though he tore a hole in my heart.
I befriended and extended my hand out,
to the one who replaced me.
We're friends, life has found it's zen.
If that's true...why am I still so miserable?
Revelations indeed...and not good ones at that. I'm realizing how I isolate myself from most people and how people I thought were the definition of cool, were only trying to mask the hurt inside them. Standing with my new group of friends I feel like an island. THey already have their own inside jokes, their dislikes, and their friendships from years past. Just jumping into this tightly knit group I feel like I will never fit in with them. Mind you, I have no ntention of changing myself, but at times I feel like an invader to this little country of friends. Like today, I went to the improv meeting and this one guy, Jeff asked if anyone wanted to go to Hopyard after school. Nicole, Jessica, Spencer, and Sam said they would and I wanted to go too. I wanted so much to feel like I could hang out with them as well, but I didn't speak up because I thought that "anyone" didn't include me. Let's face it, the guy doesn't know me from Adam so saying, " I wanna come!" might be seen as me trying to nose my way into something I shouldn't be apart of. The entire group has been with each other for ages and they all share improv, drama, and Shakespear.
I'm not involved in any of those things, even though I really would like to be. Maybe not so much the Shakespear, but I've always wanted to be on stage whether it's singing or acting, but I've never had the nerve to do so. The other problem is that I'm not allowing myself to be part of the group. I could invite people places like to the movies or go out for a drive ANYTHING that would help me get to know them and let them know how much I want to be friends with them inside as well as outside of school. I shut myself down because I'm scared of not being heard or appreciated. I know that's how I'm beginning to feel with Lauren and the people I hang out with after school. Sure Alex or Lauren will talk to me briefly, but then I'll become invisible. And I don't speak up because the topics they discuss are not things that I am interested in or like to hear. These topics being certain people's sex lives and other such things. And they don't really appreciate who I am. I know I'm naive, I know I'm innocent, and I know it seems that I live in a fairytale world, but I don't need to be changed. I'm happy the way I am. I don't need to learn certain sex terms to full fill my life. In all actuality, I wish I had never learned anything farther then the basics of where babies come from. I don't need to learn different sex positions. And I don't need to change my music style and my passions just because they are too light and happy. I'm not a dark person and I don't want to be. and they don't seem to understand that.As of late, I find myself questioning my reasons for spending time with them. I guess the other thing I'm dealing with is the fact that I feel like no one listens to me.
The other thing I realized is that in my high school, even college life I will never know the joys and the agonies that are felt in a relationship. I don't put myself out there. I feel that if I smile or look at anyone they will think I'm some kind of freak and want to get away from me. I can't tell the person I like how I feel about them, and pathetic as it sounds I can't even bring myself to try to be friends with them. Another fear I have. Rejection from a boy. I don't take risks with my heart and so I am left to complain to myself, to my mom, and to my friends.
OK, WHAT THE HELL IS IT WITH ME AND BUYING PEOPLE PORN?!?! The last one of these I took I bought someone's Mom porn, this is just plain wrong...but I do like this one better, pOetaster got a wet willy!!! LMAO I love that...
if anyone has suggestions on how the advertizment might be improved, please let me know. I will not be offened by critiques you make, rather I will be very greatful for any input.
It's not prose it's not poetry and to tell you the truth, I really don't know what you would call these. They are just me expressing myself.
( Fallen AngelCollapse )
( PromisesCollapse )
comments would be lovely, and I realize they are rather...moody, but that is what came to mind.
tell me what you think of this as well...
( The fallen angelCollapse )
PRESENTS FOR SAM AND ASH:
I just came back from Disneyland two hours ago and let me tell you...Christmas has started in Disney.
Man, they had everything decked out in holiday garb. And I saw the Nightmare Before Christmas version of the Haunted Mansion, which rocked. Jack never looked better! It's a Small World was all holidayed up to. While singing the usual song but with jiggle bells added in, which was interesting as well. BUT IT WASN'T THE SAME!!!
The haunted mansion I didn't mind, but changing It's a Small World?!?!? What is this world coming to???
I conquered my fear of the people in costume as well, by getting signatures and a hug from Pluto. There were no Brer (splash mountain) characters walking around this year which pissed me off, but other then that twas all good. The new parade they have was so cool! on the Pinocchio float, there were these two puppets at war with each other (dancing not fighting) and on the other side were these three russian puppets who were attached to bungy cords doing flips and tricks in the air. Fantasmic was superb, gotta love that show! And if I can ever get to a scanner, I'll post my Splash Mountain pic. This year I, for the first time, I wasn't holding on to anything on the final drop. WEEEE!!!! There was a new ride having to do with Buzz lightyear and SHOOTING THINGS!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! *cough*
that was very fun...
And I noticed that Fantasyland has some very strange messages for it's younger guests.
Pinocchio's Daring Journey~
Having too much fun makes you a jack ass
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves~
Kill old hags and everybody lives happily ever after
Mr. Toad's Wild Ride:
Bad drivers go to Hell
( Some pictures for your enjoyment...Collapse )
Only bad thing about this trip...not being ale to buy the Fantasmic CD, seeing more disney stuff I would'nt mind possessing, and leaving.