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[19 Feb 2009|02:42pm]
a crackling fireplace in a room with fresh white walls and a vaulted ceiling. crisp sunlight pours into the room, casting grass green and pinky tones through bits of stained glass. i have no obligations, and the simple luxury of the space is indicative of such. i am alone, but i do not feel myself to be. i am at peace and leisure in a moment of contemplation - i might have papers to read before me, something warm to drink. i am not *doing* anything.
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In which our intrepid heroine does a cameo appearance [22 Apr 2008|09:41pm]

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[14 Apr 2008|10:30pm]
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Now that's what I'm talking about. [31 Mar 2008|05:00pm]
Of course, I got a little misty-eyed:


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"Car's off!" [21 Feb 2008|10:52pm]
My car just turned itself off at a stoplight. I'm just grateful fate has been so courteous as to allow that it didn't happen a couple of days ago, when said car was sitting on the tracks before an oncoming train.

So, I guess some time in the next coupla weeks some mechanic's gonna have the luxury of wiggling some wires under my hood...and adding to the debts that make the paltry paycheck I've spent the last week trying to convince myself I'm lucky to get at all look all the more laughable. Or tragic. Or infuriating, if you're me.

Life's giving me the proverbial lemons. But thanks to all that nasty Country Time bullshit my mom used to mix for us, I happen to hate lemonade. So.
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Just thinking... [19 Feb 2008|10:42pm]
So, I've been considering moving back to the Northwest side. Same neighborhood as before, even. Is that what I've been after? A chance to do the whole recent-grad gig over, the way I'd like for it to have gone? It seems as if that might be the case...given that lately, despite their energy (which beats my lethargy all to shit, believe me), I've been feeling like my friends might be a bit too old for me. Not too old to have as friends...just inconveniently too mature and directed to effortlessly and ideally play their parts in my fantasy, latter-day childhood. This is, by the way, related to the housing dilemma. My target neighborhoods were the same as last time, though I zeroed in on the more northern of the two this time around mostly out of a desire to experience something new (which turns out to be, on the whole, not especially more appealing except as regards reason number two, which follows) and to be within sure-come-over-for-dinner distance of friends. Now. Number two is a problem. There's a catch-22 in that I haven't really been able to invite people over, because I've been too busy and too uncommitted to staying to bother with furniture. Still, I think the frequency that I'm able to visit them on their turf is probably predictive, and it just isn't that great. It's small enough, in fact, that it's only too easy to imagine I'd make the trek, if it were a trek, at least as often to see them, even if I did live farther away. Basically, they're busy: they're older than me, and they have jobs and significant others and still other things that leave them, altogether, very time for the kind of relaxed being-around-one-another I'd envisioned. And I can empathize, now that I'm working every day myself (however temp-o-rarily). All I'm really saying is 1) man...bummer and 2) I guess the Northwest side and its attractions make more sense after all, if the net socializing is gonna fall short of my original projection, either way. The mix of families, young folk, and STUFF I CAN AFFORD, both to do and to eat are a few. The other major one is just the working-to-middle class values the area oozes. It just fits my headspace a bit better--doesn't always insist I ought to want to be something more or besides whatever I am and/or there.

But we'll see. Nothing is written in stone...until you die? Usually? Hmmm...

(Er, also: HALF THE COMMUTE (not to mention more space) for less $?! The commute thing bothers me more than I thought it would. Then again, I've never really dealt with it before. So, I guess now would be a good time for another stale cliché. You know, "You learn something new every day!" Or even, "The more you know! [music]" But I guess that's more nostalgic-reference than stale cliché...I ramble.)
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it's supposed to be gay women, but [10 Feb 2008|02:22pm]
It seems like my particular patch of my neck of the woods is home to quite a few more single men than (any kind of) women.  Which seemed odd and a little depressing until this morning. 

I was rocking my car a bit to get it out of its parking spot.  Lookin' forward, lookin' back, when WHOA!  Suddenly, out of nowhere (actually, out of the car immediately to my rear and left, waiting for my spot, but it sure felt like nowhere in the split second), three smiling gents appeared in my rear window mirror, heaving themselves up against my bumper and grinning all kinds of cheerily.  They looked kinda neighborly (read: late 20s or early 30s, unremarkable but friendly, and male), but I'd never seen one of them before in my life.

Totally glued a smile on me for the next half hour, but kinda scared the shit out of me too.  Because it's wasn't exactly a coordinated (or necessary) effort, and I kept freaking out because, more than once, I'd thought they'd realized I'd waved them away and started to reverse, only to realize they were still piled against the back of the car. 

I hope they were helping just 'cause they saw me sitting there for a while beforehand (which was actually because my engine needed to warm up, having kicked it from the cold on the first go, and not because I couldn't figured out how to lever myself out of the snow), and not because, "Hey, chick driver!  Need a little help?"  Maybe they were just in a hurry.  And amiable.  Sure seemed it.
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I'm sleeping on a twin bed in the living room, and I haven't got so much as a kitchen table, [05 Feb 2008|06:20pm]
and I still already love living alone.

Not sure if I'll stay here.  Begged the leasing office to rewrite my lease for 3 months instead of 14, on account of the bass 'n whistle duet the boiler below my unit likes to play into the bedroom all through the night.  (It doesn't roar.  It's more like a pesky fly buzzing around your head, in a scenario where you know it's going to be there forever and ever and ever.)  Still, the place grows on me.  It might be worth it to try out an area rug.  Otherwise, I've got time to look for a job and a new place, and--alleluia--I'm not in Indiana anymore. 

I bought an expensive pair of "omelette pans" (um, skillets?) that make me coo every time I get within a foot of them.  Yay materialism!  It's too bad there's so little glory in the whole housewife gig.  Oh, and there's that whole thing with kids... Yeee.  Still, cooking is fun.  Making my own coffee is fun.  It's fun to pretend I'm autonomous, and good to reflect on what a lot of bullshit that is.  My family drove up a bunch of my stuff, and talked me out of moving without a bed.  And Patrick and Jessica gifted me with several necessaries.  I still chuckle every now and then, when I think how high school me would have taken the news that I'd someday receive gifts of knives, plates, champagne flutes and so forth, courtesy of his wedding to someone else.  It was so good to see them both.  More on that later, in fact.

Now, I'm off, at Connor's BRILLIANT invitation, to down a few glasses of mead and count myself retardedly, incredibly lucky.  Salut!
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Up to speed [14 Jan 2008|10:44am]
These are humbling, confusing (and did I mention humbling?) times.  I don't know what I want, but I'm damned sure I want it, and soon, before the round-the-clock queasiness does still more damage to my chances.

I've heard some people say this stuff wanes as one's twenties do.  But is it complacency coming to call?  Or should I not fear the same, if it's really just a kind of peace with the very same life I'd be leading anyway? 

Friday night was all manic-joy, filled with faces too long unseen and, well, monster-good food.  Saturday was work, and Sunday was part work and part work-like play and made me appreciate Friday even more.  I've got some pretty awesome friends, I must say.
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Passing it on [12 Jan 2008|10:53am]
I've been trying to figure out whether it's ethical to excerpt this passage that a friend of mine wrote--with or without any more information about him.  I'm stumped though, so I'm just prefacing it here with the declaration that I quote him with the best of intentions.  I like how it's written, and I identify with it quite a lot:

"I'm fighting the impulse to try and sound extraordinarily clever or ironic or hip or what have you. Often I am some of these things but rarely on purpose. If I had a longer attention span I'd be a geek of some sort, but I'm kinda ADD so I'm more of just a renaissance nerd without direction. I'm basically into pretty much everything, so long as I'm presented with a good reason as to why it's important. This makes me good at mediation and bad at arguments.

In addition to mediation, I like meditation, which is basically the same thing with an extra 't.' Is this what would happen if they served tea at a mediation? Everyone would start meditating? That would be cool.

That is a good example of my sense of humor. I like bad puns and silly word associations. Also I can be very dry and sardonic. It depends.

A lot of things depend--sometimes I am painfully shy and withdrawn and other times I am annoyingly gregarious, etc. Sometimes I'm hot for boys, sometimes I'm hot for girls. Sometimes I think I'm a writer, sometimes I think I'm a musician. Why should I have to choose? Life is all about finding the right balance. Unfortunately I have inner ear issues."
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I am [11 Jan 2008|06:13pm]
in Chicago for a few days, and feeling more like myself for it.
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If you can't say it on LJ, where can you? [03 Jan 2008|01:02am]
I am miffed.  Yes, I admit it.  There.
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2008 [31 Dec 2007|11:43pm]

Happy New Year!
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What's my damage, man? [29 Dec 2007|02:23pm]
Just 25, and I feel too old for everything I need to do.  I've been in a holding pattern for years.  It's silly, but I've been reminded several times during this visit of Harry's last visit home in the Potter books.  I know home isn't home anymore, and that it does me more harm than good, and that somehow, I have to leave it and its hold on me and be something more than the thing crafted by it.  But I don't know how.  And I don't mean that in a dramatic way so much as a just an empty-handed, shrugging kind of confused way. 
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[13 Dec 2007|06:06pm]
Done, done, done-done done done done, done, done-done-done done DONE!

*delights, collapses*

Maybe Jimmy's tonight, since I've prior engagements tomorrow, and some GETTING THE HELL OUT OF HERE to do the day after.  Maybe not, though.  Sleeeeeep...
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[11 Dec 2007|05:30pm]
Today's a suck day to be a woman.

Granted, not in epochal terms.  Personal ones--like always.
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[10 Dec 2007|04:36pm]
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won't you blog about this song [06 Dec 2007|06:13pm]
So, I've been dying to share this, and I'm finally gonna.  There are two reasons, however, that it's a really empty gesture. 

1) I'm almost the last person to have seen it. 
2)  All my friends who really have a reason to laugh about it have Definitely already seen it.

It's such a weird feeling, having some sense of what's going on in that world and having, as I may have mentioned before, absolutely no part in it.  Maybe I should design the icons for a Facebook app or something.  <--Sarcastic!  Anyway.  The video is funny.  (I think?  Maybe it's just me?  And "them?")  Enjoy!
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Ooh! [05 Dec 2007|12:12am]
R. Stevens whacks one outta the park (every once in a while...)!

PS.  Are you funny?  I will draw your comics.
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Oh. [04 Dec 2007|02:08pm]
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