||[Oct. 20th, 2008|10:42 pm]
Of all the people in the world I could run into at Dennys, I ran into Zach's mom & girlfriend.|
I'm not gonna front about how Zach was my BFF & Im totally torn up from the inside out about this, but I do want to talk about, because this shits fucked. & I didnt know max, max, mark, or wes, but I knew zach. I was at his house about two weeks ago actually. & its just fucking wierd to think about how we were all laughing & listening to music at his house a few days ago & now he's not here. So i've never done this before, & i'm a little bit confused on how to think because I was never great friends with him.
For one thing, I've been hanging out with Kameron Pearson a lot lately, & they were really fucking tight. & Lauren & Alex & us would go to the beach with him in the summmertime, so they were fucking tight. Zack was friends with a lot of fucking people, & me & Zack's girlfriend got along really well. Anyway, my first reaction was thinking about all his friends & family & his girlfriend & how I felt REALLY FUCKING TERRIBLE for them. I talked to Kameron on the phone for a bit today, & then I ran into him. & then I went to Dennys & fucking ran into Zach's mom & girlfriend. I didn't realize it was Zach's mom until after I had sat down but I hugged Sabrina & had no idea what to say so I just said if she needed anything call me even though we're not that great of friends.
So since I'm still in Laguna I'm kinda in the middle of all of this & seeing everyone's reactions and people I care about upset, which is upsetting. & his poor fucking mother. goddamnit. I used to think all the time about how the late teen/early twenties was the wierdest/worst time to die, becuase you're not little anymore so nobody's babysitting you or waiting for you to stick your finger into the socket or crawl into a pool or something, & because its not like your parents have only had you for a few years. They've had you for nearly 20 fucking years & then poof you're gone. I can't fucking imagine what that would do to a parent. & its not like you're over fifty & have diabetes or heart attacks or something. this is suppose to be the healthiest time of your life, the beginning of your life & the best part of your life, & to die when you're just beginning is just fucking lame.
Shits fucked up. I'm so fucking sick of drugs. I can't tell you how fucking sick of drugs I am. Drugs are fucking EVIL & it just fucking amazes me how people can watch their friends OD & continue doing them. Its like every year or two years someone will OD & nearly die or die, & then people are all shocked & upset by it & then like six months later they go back to using & then eventually someone fucking else ODs. DONT YOU FUCKING GET IT? STOP IT! I can't stand watching people self-destruct! I'm so sick of drugs fucking up my life, my friends lives, taking lives psychially & mentally shits FUCKED. Stop messing around. I hope some people fucking get it now.
Its like it never ends. Its like I can't be shocked anymore. & the sad reality of it is every one of my friends who uses gnarly shit will either stop, die, or go crazy. Thats just whats going to fucking happen. So I really hope my friends who are smoking herion & doing methadone & mixing pills will STOP. Because its really fucking scary, & it makes no sense, & there's nothing I can do.
It just re-affirms my belief system so much. It gives me strenght to continue to passively fight the good fight against drugs & to stay the fuck away from them.
I guess to me this whole thing has just been shocking. & upsetting. & like I said before I'm not trying to claim that I'm his best friend & that I'm bawling my eyes out because if one of my best friends had died & all these people that didnt know him or her were fronting I would be upset. But like I said, its just shocking, & upsetting. He was a fucking cool kid. RIP Zacky J, we're all thinking about you.