?

Log in

What's so great about finding Waldo anyways? [entries|friends|calendar]
pshhhh biznatch



PROFILE || FRIENDS || JOURNAL || Calendar || UPDATE

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[Tuesday
October 30th, 2007 at 12:48am]
I suppose since my diary is entirely too open to my family, I'll turn here. Hidden in plain view, if you would.

Family-wise, I can't even bring myself to care anymore - it's entirely fucked, and that's as far as I know.

Romance-wise, my life is screwed. One of the many, many downfalls of attracting boys like fish to a lure is that they tend to bite, as well. And of course it's not because they appreciate the intricacies of the lure; they are fooled by appearances and what they think they know about it. So far there are three boys who have outwardly admitted to wanting to be with me, and who even knows if there are more. I sure hope not. I do not like one of them for sure, he bugs me sometimes and freaks me out just the tiniest bit. I'm not sure how to get rid of him right now =/
One of the others is adorable, but I don't see anything with him romantically - he's cute but it ends there, mostly. We chitchat and have fun but I don't think I can connect with him on anything important.
And then of course, there's the last one to admit it. One of my closest friends, this has happened before =/ I've talked of everything important with him twice over and still adore the kid - however, I don't see him boyfriend-wise either, not to mention he is entirely volatile right now and I do NOT want to fuck with that.

Friends-wise, I'm lost. I used to have so many close friends, and recently I've realized that I'm so far alienated from the girls I was so so close with in the past two years and I don't even realize when it happened. I think it was prom last year =/ So now, it's like I barely even know them. So much has changed, and I don't know where to turn. One of my closest girl friends has moved a timezone and a three-hour flight away, and another I've lost contact with and it kills me because I know it's mainly my fault. A third girl I never see anymore, now that she's moved to a different zip code, but she doesn't even live that far! Finally, there's my cornerstone - ever since he's switched schools, it's like we flip-flop between being close and being strangers. I adore him so much, and to put it selfishly, I need him. It kills me even more to know that I could probably fix this, but I'm so overwhelmed lately that it feels like I'm being crushed under the weight of my ambition and lack thereof. There are so few people that I can count on anymore, and I hope they know who they are, but I just don't know where to go. Where has my life gone? Where is it going? Perhaps this is why I'm haunted by images of thousands of faceless and emotionless drones...

I don't know what's wrong with me anymore - I feel on top of the world at one point, and then suddenly the world's on top of me. Is there a way to get out from underneath? Or am I destined to be entirely black and white, with no comforting gray area?
0 || reply || edit

[Monday
February 19th, 2007 at 4:03pm]
What a sinister turn life has taken. I don't know where to turn, who to run to. Who can protect me? It's hard to save someone from those close to them. How can I run from my family? How can I run from the dangers they'll inevitably shove me into. Mom...gosh, mom is trying her hardest to save me, to keepe me safe, but she can't hold out much longer, not against dad. We've lost him, we really have. Whoever this man is, it's not the same person who raised me as a toddler. He's lost his mind, and he's intent on dragging him down into his own personal abyss, into the terrors he's creating for us.

Andrew...he's doing his best, but we can't expect him to be around and save us forever. He's only seventeen, and he already has to deal with the reality of the world today, of having to be depended on. He almost gave up college just so he could provide for mom and me, to keep Dad from hurting us further. I lucked out when it came to having a brother like him, but I can't cling to him forever. I want better for him, I want his life to be better than it has been. I want him to achieve his goals, be happy, be far, far away from this place. He's the best brother in the world, which is why he needs to get the hell away from us. He's too good of a person, I can't let dad's problems destroy Andrew.

As for myself, I'm becoming loosely angry and apathetic with everything. Every new obstacle thrown at me, I acknowledge it and continue on my way, smacking head-first into it. I used to be the most volatile, the most vulnerable in our situation. Now, now I'm just lazily watching everything pass, refusing to live it. If dad fucks up worse, well, I'm not going to go down without a fight. I won't let his problems take me alive, no matter what. It's a horrible thought to have at fifteen, but I'll be damned if I'll be engulfed by all of this. I've led an okay life until now, and if I end up being lost, well, it will hang on my so-called paternal figure, may he rot forever in hell. I'm not depressed, I'm just...accepting. I'd prefer to live a long, fulfilling life, but that might just not be in the cards for me.

I have an idea of who my dad now acquaints himself with, and seeing as I'm the youngest and least able to escape, I know I'm the one who would be in the most danger should he snap completely. I know that one day, he'll bring a hoard of unfavorable people around, and I know I won't be safe, no matter what. I know that if they do come around, I'll have to get out, but that won't be the easiest feat. I'm not going to be allowed to waltz out the front door; dad may be insane, but the people he's around aren't stupid. They won't want me out telling stories, or they'll want a little prize, a nice little memory of a busty little teenage girl. Climbing out windows won't be that easy, if I'm trapped on the second floor. No matter what, I'm positive I won't come out of this ordeal unharmed, but I'll be damned if anyone's going to get out of it easy, either.

I'm making less and less sense the more I go on, but I need to get it out. I'm scared; I'm terrified out of my fucking mind. I don't know what to do, and I don't completely know what to expect. All I know is that I'm going to be in a hell of a lot of danger soon, if I'm not already. The irony of everything is that the person who is the most responsible for keeping me safe is the one who shoved me right in harms way.
1 || reply || edit

woo, new year's [Monday
January 1st, 2007 at 8:31pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Oh man, New Year's was great. Probably the best day of both year's so far! We had Nana Lou over for dinner, and then mom and her took me to Steve's house. He was so sweet, he came out to meet them again with an umbrella so i wouldn't get wet in the rain. We kind of just chilled out in his room/basement, it was pretty sweet. He kicked my ass at foozball, heh. We kind of spent most of the night just talking, normal stuff, you know? He had to go and order pizza for his family, he gets a discount at Jet's since he works there...except Jet's was closed so his parents relinquished him. Of course, I did take advantage of his absence to snoop around. Nothing bad, a heck of a lot of sports memorabilia, some model cars, more sports stuff, and a magazine, but it was only ESPN. So yeah, we hung out more, and when we started talking about how my friends and I are crazy and he's gonna have to step his game up, he leaned over and...stuck his tongue in my mouth. I nearly jumped away from him giggling, thinking to myself "WHOA BUDDY, I like you and all, but THE TONGUE DOES NOT COME FIRST!" Oh man, that ruined the moment. Hah, but he understood and still asked me out =D. What a happy night. Of course, then about 3 minutes after midnight Carly calls to wish me a happy new year, and when she hears I'm with Steve, she lets out this REALLY loud "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!" What a nerd...I think I turned a whole new shade of red at that. Thank gosh Steve doesn't have any mirrors in his room...I would've freaked and hidden. So yeah...best day of 2006 and 2007 so far =). Except perhaps for a few key days in '06...such as Cristin's birthday (MAN was that fun!) and Danielle's birthday and Saturday at Emily's...and a whole bunch of other random days, most likely Tuesdays.

0 || reply || edit

Anyone catch this? [Saturday
December 23rd, 2006 at 2:22am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

So I get on myspace earlier and what do I see? A bulletin from CWK!


cwk on letterman tonite
feel free to tune in tonite for dave. we're the last act.


did anyone happen to catch it? And if so, is there any way they could youtube it or something? I'd be forever grateful! =D

2 || reply || edit

[Monday
November 6th, 2006 at 10:52pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Life is hard. Emotions are confusing. Adjectives are great for getting points across. But my rant today isn't about adjectives. I'm sick and tired of my father. I think i literally hate him. Don't feel bad...for me or for him. I'm happy and he doesn't deserve it. He's been given more chances than he could want and he still chooses the bar over his family. Fine. That's how he wants to roll, I'll hand the rejection right back at him. He can trade us in for something better, then I don't want him. He has the nerve to say that his problems are because he vowed to himself that he would never have a fat wife. I swear I almost attacked him then and there. Weapon or not, I wanted to hurt him. How dare he insult the only parent in the family that showed any care for my brother or me? He has no right whatsoever! Michael didn't help at all. Raving about as if his problems deserved all the attention in the world. The world revolves around Michael! Woe is Michael, his life sucks, math is hard, WAH WAH WAH. He's just like my father. Too many chances, not enough progress. I don't even see why I put up with the kid sometimes. I've thought we were similar for awhile and I was okay with that because I thought, "Hey, cool! Someone as awesome as me!" Sadly, if I'm like him, I may have to kill myself. Or at least any bit of my personality that even somewhat resembles anything that Michael is. I don't want to be him, I don't want to be my father...all the positive role models in my life are female. I fear love and commitment because I'm scared I'm going to end up with a man like either of them, mainly my father, however. I want, crave, need love, but I distance myself from any guy that seems to show an interest in me...I find excuses to remove myself from them, their presence, anything them.

However, as off track as I got, I'm ranting mostly because for the first time in a long while I feel hopeful. The most negative aspect of my life is gone. God knows where and God knows I could care less. As long as he's out there and stays employed to keep up his financial part of the family, I'm fine with basically thinking he's dead. The soul was gone long ago...we don't need the hurtful shell that's left.

0 || reply || edit

Lesson time, children. [Monday
October 30th, 2006 at 5:56pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

Today, children, I have a lesson to teach. It's the explanation of why there are so many boy problems in high school. Here we go!

In reality, all middle school through some college level boys have the thought processes and maturity level of retarded badgers. They cannot deny this fact, for that would be called lying, children, and retarded badger boys who lie are punished in hell. They are castrated with blunt and rusty guitar strings hundreds of times over for every single lie they tell, children! Now that is not a very pleasant fate, sweet children, is it?

1 || reply || edit

mrfg [Sunday
October 29th, 2006 at 9:36pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Wow, haven't touched this thing in ages, but I need to rant and I don't want to burden friends that are sick of hearing me whine.

I'm sick of two boys that seem to think they're my boyfriend trying to possess me. Right here's where the lame "I'm like a stallion, baby, I can't be tamed" line is usually stuck in, but that's cliché and total bullshit anyways. The only boy that could tame me seems to be the only one that doesn't care. I miss my friends. I miss being little. I miss not caring because I didn't know that I should care. All my problems seem to have to do with men, somehow. I never see a lot of my friends because of the boys that seem to think they're pseudo-boyfriends. I miss being little because my problems were so much smaller then. I miss not knowing I should care because the guy I want to love me is making all the mistakes he promised he would save me from. I never get to talk to the two girls whom I wish to be more like because one is tasting the horrible parts of love and one is only just starting to understand that she can feel the best parts of love. I envy them both in so many ways and yet I don't in so many more. Sometimes I wish for a prince in shining armor but then I think about that loser in tin-foil and the illusion reinstates itself in my head. At most times I can't even figure out what I want and it hurts and scares me so much.

0 || reply || edit

My iTunes Library [Tuesday
March 21st, 2006 at 11:24pm]
[ mood | blank ]

AlbumsCollapse )

songsCollapse )

Constantly growing

0 || reply || edit

woo! [Monday
October 31st, 2005 at 5:52pm]
HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYBODY!




Anyways

I talked to Chris yesterday :) and that's always a good thing. We're making plans for this weekend! :) Even better! Don't know what we're doing yet. Maybe laser tag! Hahah that'd be pretty nifty.

I'm going to hang out with TRICIA LYNN tonight! You know you're all jealous. Try not to cry too hard over it. Just stop by with candy and we might let you hang out with us :) Maybe. And we're going to have an awesome time. And I'm sorry, you're crying! Here, have some tissues. :) Heh. Yeah. That's about it for now.



Comments are love ♥
3 || reply || edit

whatever [Thursday
October 27th, 2005 at 5:31pm]
[ mood | weird ]

Haven't updated this thing in awhile...so whatever....

HA oh my gosh I got Davis to dress up as a skanky Catholic school girl for Halloween and I'm loaning him just about everything he'll need and he's gonna give me copies of the pictures! Hahahah oh my gosh this is freaking funny.

Tricia was retarded so now I'm scared to call Chris in case his mom gets mad or something and HE HASN'T CALLED ME so I don't know what's going on with us anymore...

I MIGHT GET TO SEE JACKIE AND HOLLY THIS WEEKEND! I haven't seen them in so long because of their asshole father...GRR I hope we're going to the haunted house tonight or something 'cause I can't go tomorrow because I have to carve freaking pumpkins with my family...I love them and all but come on. I spent 3 weeks of my summer babysitting my cousins. And THEN another week in Florida, but I'm not complaining about that...parasailing...that guy on the boat...heh.

ANYWAYS...um...heh Jenni's Chris Redding's new stalker. That was a funny day...my gosh you can hear her scream "CHRIS YOU'RE SO SEXY" on the CD that Clutch Cargos made for them. And then Rameel in the background "YEAH HE IS!" Man that was great...Heh Rameel's like my bestest buddy heh he's a SUPERHERO! Heheheh gotta love lunchtime!

Alrighty that's about it I guess...

Comments are love ♥

0 || reply || edit

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]