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. still around .

I still remember my password for this journal.
How weird.
How...deliciously neat!

I am now re-married.

I have a son.

I have an insane love of Min Pins.

I am...HAPPY.

.goodnight.

. s h a d o w s .

I don't mean to constantly live within the shadows of my mind. Sometimes, I would like to touch the light, but alas...I am not fortunate enough to share any such optimism. My wording choices are poor, but I believe I get my point across. Believing in something is half the battle, it's maintaining the belief that you make yourself...well, believe. I think believing is stronger than thinking, but people misuse that, too. I hear people say things like, "I BELIEVE I put the ________ over there; you should check." No, you should be saying that you THINK you put the fucking BLANK over there. If you need to back up an "I believe," with a "You should check," than you truly don't believe shit. I am going off topic here, but what is the topic, anyway? I always start with a point, and end in a mess of nothingness left only to be interpreted by some wandering soul. My interpretation gets so off-key, off-kilter, off...off the wall! It is not me you should be interested in listening to!

Living with a mind clouded with darkness is not half bad. It gives you more to work with, whether you think that's true or not. If you're constantly in the light, how would you ever wonder what's in the shadows? There wouldn't be any. Or, perhaps there would be, at the very corners of your mind. You would be so blind, however, by the intensity of the light, you wouldn't ever consider there could be darkness SOMEWHERE in there. So, I embrace the dark that resides in my lovely little mind. I feel more enlightened by having it. I don't need real light to brighten my mind. A dark thought already brightens it, and on a daily basis at that. Almost on an hourly basis.

Anyone that has ever thought you cannot stay angry every single day of your life, has not met me, apparently. I have proven many people wrong. I am constantly angry, constantly in the dark. Yes, I do feel happiness. Or, I feel what my mind perceives as happiness. I guess I can't truly fathom that emotion, since it's always overrun with negativity. But, I digress. Anger is me. It is my fuel, and without it, I would surely have given up by now. I have too many people left to piss off; I cannot give up! (Pissing people off is a work in progress. I think most of the time, I am successful. I like to let myself believe that, anyway!) I don't know who I would be if I did not have this dark anger with me at all times.

I hear I am still a good-hearted, caring person. I hear I'm fairly easy to get along with, although at first I seem quite intimidating. Intimidation used to work, but now, not so much. I guess I just look friendlier these days. If only they knew the thoughts and images running through my head! Anyway, my point with adding this part is...this is why certain people fail to realize I truly am angry constantly. I do not come off so gloomy, at first. This is a prime example of reading the book, and NOT judging by the cover. How cliche! Aren't we all?

I am now going to leave you with this point...don't think you know what someone is all about, because chances are, you do not. I hate who I've become, but I also love me for being this way. I'm sure a lot of people around you are feeling some sort of conflict; perhaps this very same one. What you think you know may be complete bullshit, so ask the source, don't fucking assume.

Goodnight.

. r u i n s .

My life...mostly my marriage...is in ruins. The marriage has been crumbling; no shock there. Happiness never lasts...at least, not for me. This much, I should also be aware, but alas, I am fooled like the rest of them. Whoever they are, I do not know, but I can almost understand. Gullible is perhaps the word I am seeking to explain myself, although I have never allowed myself to be "gullible." I am going to blame the people that I have been viewing as my "rocks." They lead me to believe I am this or that, and especially happiness is what they made me believe I had, or felt. Either or, they made me fall into this trap that is gullible-ness.

I know...I cannot blame others for the stupidity of my own mind, but I can sure try. It certainly makes me feel a little better about my decision to become so fucking gullible, that's for sure. However, I know it is nobody's fault but my own. I take the fall for my idiocy, but I had to make it seem like it was not all me. Actually, it was PARTIALLY them, how about that? Okay, let's move on.

I think I am enjoying all this time to myself. I am rediscovering who I am, and that is something I should have done long before I got married. Making such a huge commitment and not knowing myself was a mistake, and that is some advice I would give to any potential husband or wife. Know yourself first. Know, and most of all, ACCEPT yourself first, before diving into something that could have the same outcome as this (I am using my situation as an example. Learn from me, do not follow me.) I know, a lot of people will tell you that you need to "LOVE" yourself before committing to anyone else, but let me tell you that is so far from the truth it is laughable at the least. I have wasted a lot of time trying to understand how to "love" myself, and it is not worth it. I do, however, ACCEPT and ENJOY myself. I know who I am, what I stand for, and I ACCEPT every success, every failure, every plight, everyTHING about myself. That is one step in the correct direction of loving oneself, however, I will NEVER "love" myself. Love is intangible, in all actuality. In my opinion, anyway. Therefore, it means NOTHING when put in a sentence referring to myself. In conclusion, I will only ever ACCEPT myself, NOT "love" myself. The sooner you realize this, the quicker you can save things before they go incredibly wrong.

My marriage took a nose dive, just as my life did when I turned 15. Not surprising, but it is so very disappointing. I am now 25 with absolutely nothing to show, because I worked for nothing and so, received absolutely NOTHING in the end. The end being today...tomorrow, however, is a brand new day. Fresh hours on the clock, although still the same stale numbers, they are still "new" hours that I can utilize to do something to push myself in the correct direction. A direction I have longed to go, but always settled for the cake walk...the easy way out, the stationary stance; I do not know if I'm even making sense at this point, but the mind rambles and so I must type.

I don't even believe I am in the same mindset as I was when I first began this entry. Sentences will run into sentences will run into sentences, if I do not stop myself.

I don't know my point. I do not believe I ever had one, come to think of it. I don't exactly regret any of my decisions, but perhaps this was going to be one of those sorrowful entries, full of regret, remorse and bullshit. However, I'm beyond that. I'm almost to the state of being numb, but I don't want to be. I want to feel; I really do. I'm just losing touch with that reality, and realizing I need to be a numb person with a strong head, and force my life in the correct direction without thinking about what everyone else thinks of me. If I continue feeling and caring, I will never take the right steps.

Anyway, I think something about marriage was my point. Marriage and correcting my life's path, actually. I suppose none of it matters, now. I feel it necessary to state that, none of this means I have a desire to "work" on my marriage. I outgrew it, or perhaps it was simply too mature for me. I do not understand that part, but at least he and I are excellent friends and I wish it to remain as such. I never want to damage the friendship part...and I am the type that DOES NOT stay friends with my ex's. That says a lot about how much value I put on this man. I am thankful for the person he is, and very proud of us for being civil and friendly toward eachother.

It is time for me to bring this to a close. I am missing my partner in crime, my main rock, dearly. I am feeling lonely, extremely melancholic and empty. I feel as though I have nowhere to go, nobody to turn to...nobody else needs this burden; it is mine to carry and figure out how to deal with. I should discontinue my complaints, and I will.

Goodnight.

. m e t a l l i c a .

Metallica...that is who I am listening to. I have been on this Metallica/Slipknot kick for awhile, now. I have always adored them, but it just seems I am so much more obsessive about them now.

Anyway ---- I am still very happy. Things get stressful from time to time, but I am managing fine. If I didn't have such amazing people in my life, I don't think it would be this easy. Then there is my pack of dogs. They make me feel very happy with life, as well. I appreciate everything & everyone that I have in my life, right now. I have never fully been THAT person. I am so glad I am, now! It makes living just a little bit easier.

I have a wonderful night planned, tonight.
I always look forward to my Monday nights.
Goodnight.

. h a p p i n e s s .

For once...in a long, long time...
I am happy.

Life has been throwing so many curve balls. I lost a close friend in January. I miss him constantly, but I'm learning ways to cope now. Ways that don't make me curl up in the fetal position in bed, & cry my eyes out until I can't breathe. I've lost a lot, but I have also gained a lot of really wonderful things. The most wonderful of them all, are the new friends that are so ready to support me in all of my endeavors & beliefs. It's always good to have a support system, even if that support system consists of a very small handful of people...small, but extremely dedicated & encouraging. Never judging. That's the best part about it ---- not feeling judged for wanting to be myself. I do the same for them. Support, care, never judge, respect...we have a mutual understanding, & that is a beautiful thing. Hard to come by, or at least...hard to come by for me. I have never had much luck in the friend department, so I am feeling extremely lucky now. I hope they realize how important they are to me, & how much they help me in my day to day routine. Whether we talk everyday or not, just knowing I CAN turn to them & they will not shun me is beautiful.

On that note, I am going to end this. I simply wanted to let whatever random person stumbles here know, that I have a wonderful support system. If you're feeling down, don't hide from the world. The world will simply forget you. Get out there & be heard ---- you never know who will listen!!!

Goodnight, all.

. s t r e s s .

I have been insanely stressed, lately. It's quite terrible. So much has been going on, and I'm almost feeling like I'm at a breaking point. I just keep taking deep breaths, hoping for something to change or get better...but, it doesn't. I won't give up, naturally. I'll keep aiming for happiness. Somehow, I'll get there. I know something is going to happen, and things will eventually get better. I always get these quite dire feelings, and they are not meant to feel this...heavy, really.


Christmas is quickly approaching, as well as the end of the year. It is amazing to me, how quickly this year flew by. How much has changed is also impressive, but not all of it was for the best. Some was, and still is, downright depressing. I have made many realizations, as well. Most of which I do not care for one bit. My biggest regret is being so absolutely neglectful of my friends. I have been HORRIBLE at keeping in touch with everyone. I have not made and KEPT plans. I have talked about plans, but have not really taken them seriously. I am a terrible person for that.


All I can do at this point is...keep trying to pick myself up, and fix this mess I consider my life. Also, learn to stop being an absolute flake. I need to stick to my guns. It's the only way I will ever find something that remotely resembles happiness. The more I give up, the deeper the hole gets. The more I fight, the higher I get out of this ditch. I seriously need to keep this mindset...will I? Ha! O doubt it! I am far too stubborn, thick headed, and always looking to the dark and negative side of things. Which I guess is ok...but, doesn't make for a very happy/fun life.


There I go rambling.


On one end of the spectrum, I WANT to be happy and optimistic. On the other end, that shit NEVER got me far! Why bother? So I'm kind of on a tight rope, here. That's what it feels like. It will never stop feeling this way, either. Whatever. This is my life. I'm allowed to be a confusing bitch, that sounds bonkers. It's just what I do!


Goodnight!

. h a l l o w e e n .

Happy Halloween!!! This day marks 8 years since I created this journal. That's quite awhile, I think. =D For me it is, anyway. I used to create journals and delete them within a few months, but this one stuck. I'm glad it did, for it holds many memories, and I don't ever want to let them go. It's weird how dramatically life has changed since the start of this journal, but most of it has been for the better. I am even a mom, now. Wow, I never thought I would say that. I am proud to, however.

With that said...and I know it wasn't anything real important, aside from becoming a mom...I want to wish you, whomever may be reading, a wonderful rest of the year. I hope your holidaze are bright and cheerful, filled with happiness and those you love surrounding you. If you must be alone, I hope you find some way to celebrate, and if you have nobody...know that this person right here----- the one that typed this, will be thinking of you. Whether that sounds silly or not, it is true.

Goodnight, everyone. Or perhaps no one. Either way, this headache I have and I are going to work, then sleeeeeep. It's also a beautiful night out. May as well enjoy it as best I can!

Ps------- wedding in just 11 days! Wowee!!! That came supah fast, and I couldn't be happier. =D

Happy New Year!!!

Hello, 2011.

I did not set any goals; nothing along those lines. I just want to be happy, and see my friends and family happy. I would love to find a job, and use this year to dedicate to getting out of debt. Not completely, of course, but mostly. I'd even be happy with partially, at this point. I'd also love to do something very nice for my boyfriend for his birthday, which is this month.

I hope everyone has a wonderful year. All I've read so far, from a bunch of people, is how bad 2010 was. Well, people say that EVERY year. It's never anything different.

Good luck in 2011.

*yawn*

i'm tired, but i just realized that i have now had this journal for over 7 years!!! crazy. i try to keep it as active as i can manage, but there just is not enough stuff that i can comfortably write about, on here, at least. i have a facebook, though, which i do keep very active. i love livejournal. i keep considering what i can do with it. pictures? surveys? life updates? while i decide, i'll just keep appreciating that it is still here.

perhaps i will update more, once i get my new cellphone. it should be much easier to get online any time i wish, that way. without having to be leashed to a computer. i like that idea. my current cellphone is far to slow to make the internet experience enjoyable. i'm sorry, old cellphone. i'm sorry you can no longer provide the things i need to move on with my technologically transforming life. i still love you. vareh much.

The ghost! It returns!

Yes, yes. I have been away from livejournal for quite some time. I don't plan to update often, but I do want to at least post this one entry before the year is done. A lot has changed. A lot is also still the same. All I know for certain is, I am as happy as I can be at this particular point in time. I hope to achieve a higher level of happiness in the coming months, but there is absolutely no promise of that truly happening. I also realize that I do miss livejournal, and I wish I knew more people that use it. If I did, I would be here much more often.

"She's a dwelling place for demons,
She's a cage for every unclean spirit, every filthy bird,
And makes us drink the poisoned wine to fornicating with our kings,
Fallen now is Babylon the great..." A7x


So, my excitement for the rest of the year is as follows:

November 17th ~ Take the boy to the airport in Vegas.
November 20th ~ Monster truck show in Lake Havasu City, AZ.
November 23rd ~ Pick the boy up from the airport in Vegas.
December 11th ~ Avenged Sevenfold concert in VEGAS, BABY!!!
December 13th ~ Been with the boy for 5 years. Wow.

That about wraps it up for the rest of my year.
Anyone who stumbles on this...
HAPPY HOLIDAZE!!!
MAKE THE MOST OF THE REST OF 2010!
Thank you, and goodnight!

"Seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost,
It's empty and cold without you here,
Too many people to ache over..." A7x