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you know the saying about..curiosity and the cat

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...and im back...again lol! *Update [22 Apr 2006|04:07am]
[ mood | /and blah-ish ]

Im back again, Dont worry im still here journal ol journal you hah =)

Ive been keeping my eyes on the gay and lesbian communities and all, And surfing peoples Lj's when i like to read theres when i can, again ive said this in the pat entrys(lol i think anyways) that its still really hard to get time to come here, having to sneek around is not my thing and i REAALLY hate doing it.
But look what choice i have in the matter...none...

Well i'll update a little ~

Yeah i still love girls/female women =P
Ive had my eye on one mostly its the first time, more than just lust alone.
First time i have felt something for a female as i did for her..lol yes note the *did* part =P But i do have to admit its no were close to love or anything just 'something'...
We met on the net and all, started talking and all, as you do, we helped each other talk about problems 'issues' but more so HER issues and problems
*rolls eyes we'll get to that part soon lol!*
I mean thats really all you can do on the net, it limits you ..of couse...
We had a *big* agument about alot of things, and words flying around like anything, nasty stuff aswell, and feelings get in the way even if its is the net, it happens... this is awhile ago now it was around Feb' and stoped talking for good, nothing at all.
Then i got onto my old hotmail account on day and she had re-added me for some reason with a new account.. mm-ok this is little strange... :\
So couple of days or so i asked ' Asl' just because i wanted to try and get what she wanted, even tho i did no it was her, it was obvious, still can tell she was her same self, i can see through people like that, doesnt matter how, i just no..im weird like that..im a strangee strange girl =P
So we got talking and she wanted to be 'friends' yep ok i thought why not, she hasnt changed! To cut a longgg story short..
Still the same obbesive, selfish, etcet (lol i ll stop or i will go on)..girl..
Just.unbelievable.I.Dont.Know

Anyways shes not talking to me no sms or nothing so im not going to do the chasing, im not like that...
Even tho after we last talked on msn, she was going on alot about 'she wanted' me and 'likes me' and again we talked about meeting....
Well i guess not hey.............

Anyways thats me for now im going to go surfing lj while i have a chance :D

Byee
xxx

*Update*

Er yeah...last time we talked was ~ * Sunday, April 16, 2006 *
..to now so really she can get stuffed for all i care..
Im so over this crap.......ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK..

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I dunno! God! [24 Feb 2006|01:30pm]
O dear im scared and very confused

To anyone reading this who gay/lesbian

How well do you handle it if a guy(or if your gay a girl) whos straight asking you questions that are hard for you to answer...

Like "So do you think you will ever be with a guy again"?
All the hard questions like that :\

How em i sposed to really know, its hard anof finding and working out my real sexuality(bloody hell i hate spelling that :| too hard)

But yes, its hard anof dealing with that THEN getting asked a question like that, i hate being put on the spot, even if it is on the net!
Then you think of better ways to answer that and goes through your mind bothering you like HELL!

*AHHHHH*

:(
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Im back...kinda...I really hope [18 Feb 2006|04:06pm]
[ mood | and a bit of a sore head :( ]

Well after all this time im back, but its still the same i havent came out yet, which im kinda glad i havent yet as im getting to know myself really well now, maturing even. And im geting much much *much* clearer with who i really em, and i really know im not straight and i dont think im bi...

I class myseld now, label whatever...im gay, lesbian i really do know i em, its all so new tho, you no what i mean(of couse im talking to i dunno here lol)
I feel as tho ive been someone im not for such a long time is that its all so new to me, and its really really scary..I dunno i cant really explain it but i feel SO SOo proud, but yet i feel so So guilty that i love girls..

Ive been trying to work out in my mind when to come out, and how im going to do it, ive got a few idea in mind, but for the time being i think i should wait a little bit longer, even tho id really really love to come out now, there been times when i nearly have i just felt like to yell(speak) it out to my mum but i knew the time wasnt right, and mum being how she is, i really still dont know what to expect..

She says she loves me no matter what and i know and i do realise how much she loves me but i think to myself "Yeah but would you still if you really know me, know who i em and my secret, your daughters is a lesbian"

So we'll see and see what happens with this,ive got more working out to do.

As with Lj wise i have looked at my journal and old entrys and my lj looking all muddled and i think i delted some as i was going to delete this journal but then changed my mind and hoped i was able to come back and i em! After all this time! Ive still being looking at lj when i have got the chance like when my mums out(i hate hiding myself like this)
I just havent logged in or else what if my mum came home or something like getting caught, like i have a few times =S

I'll go now while i have a chance and have a look at the gay/lesbian communitys and surf lj =D

Catch ya very hopefully this year soon veryy!

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yeah i no....im been away for *ages* [20 Oct 2005|01:33am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

i hate my life....

and being me sucks.....

I dont know if and when i came come bacm to lj coz well im lucky i have got the chance now to update...my mum and family dont like homosexuals and bi-sexuals and anything else i guess outta there 'normal' terms so really im fucked...i havent come out about being bi so i guess i cant, its a total mess...

i really hope i can start come'n back but we'll see...

1 comment|post comment

Reminder...!!! [26 May 2005|04:39pm]
[ mood | cold ]

Note to self, Watch SBS Tonight at 8:30 About Homosexuals In Australia,
Make sure tape it for futher refrence to show mum to prove thats its normal, and as a back up about Coming out, When i do!

P.S : Also do it on the sly(like everything else),Make sure mum dont cotten on ...JUST YET! Not ready to come out yet.

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I feel like im losing it..or everything.. [18 May 2005|03:05pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

I reallllllllllyyyyy need to get out more, i really do!
If only i could tho...
I hate being like this, i just wanna get well again, like normal(well the closest to normal i can be)ha.
Also MAN em i CLOSE to getting outted( in other words there have been alot of times ive been caught looking at something not 'straight') By my mum, if she dont no that im gay soon, i really em going to go crazy, i cant seem to get the words or anything to come out. Its really bothering me like the rest of shit going on, but its not the right time to come out yet, i no, im still trying to come to terms that yes im gay and i HAVE to stop living or being 'straight', like what i mean is im just SO use to being and living like straight, if that makes sense, just ..how to explain it the best i can, well im just use to seeing straight people and how they live and im just kinda doing stuff like them, this is hard to explain but i dunno.
As i said before i reallllyy need to get out more, make some friends, good friends and all that nice stuff =)

Also something else thats bothering me, the dreams ive been having are terribly werid,as in not normal, sometimes i feel as they all mean something and lately ive been feelings a bit psychic, i dunno im really losing it, seriously

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[14 May 2005|02:06pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Im sick and tried of shit, NOBODY nobody asks me how im feeling or cares not even family im just so sick of it, nobody nos how im feeling right now, maybe my mask is really fal'n(sp) everyone, i dont care, if im gone for good GOOD, not like theyd ask, till it hits them all in the fuckung face, o well just nothing fucking nothing in this world, everyones got issues..spose mine dont matter not even a bit
Im at the point now that I hardly care for some peoples problems how they act on it I mean its ok how they do it but… its just some people...dunno why?!...
ok i was going to put something else in here but i wont'
omg omg omg nearly got basted looking at something SHIT

ill return when i can

omg im a dickhead

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[11 May 2005|12:31pm]
[ mood | blank ]

OK this time it better not get deleted....
More and More im loving the Simpsons!!!
Belive it or not , you do learn things from it, well i no i do,a lot acutally, Yesty(and couple other time),the Gay issue came up,but not making fun of gays, not anything(i have picked up) that is in a negative way, I think the creaters are FOR gays, look at smithers and some diffrent characters and episodes..
I dunno just felt like putting that out there, i love the simpsons soo so much now...

Marge:
"Just because you're a lesbian it doesn't make you les of a bian (less of a being)" (quoted that from somewhere forgot where) but it was on the simpsons

YAY thats right and goes for any gays, when i say gays i dont think im wording that right, im so dumb.....

Yah i go back to my school work next month, im so so so sooo bored, i actually cant wait, its been over a month since i last had school work or went to school!

OK i dont have anything interesting to type about...not that i ever do...
eh...well...
xoxo

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Teh Cross game [07 May 2005|01:58pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Ok im going to be SO COOL! and follow the trend..Here it goes..


If the answer is yes put an x, if the answer is no, leave it blank

[x] I am bisexual or homosexual.
[x] I am keeping a secret(s) from the world
[x] I own an iPod or MP3
[x] I swear a lot.
[x] I am self conscious.
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I love chocolate…I mean who doesn’t!?
[ ] I am comfortable with being me.
[x] I Had a serious Surgery
[_] Made out in an elevator
[x]I have got stuck in a elevator
[_/x]I hated being stuck in a elevator(bit of both)
[xxxxxxxx]Ive had a crush on someone of the same sex
[xxxxxxxx]had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
[x] Had a crush on a teacher
[_ ] Met someone in person from the internet
[?most likely]Had someone cheat on you
[x]My favorite colour is pink/purple/rainbows
[x]I want a lot and wish for a lot of things/people
[x]I like the Simpsons
[_]I fear ants
[xxxxxxxxxxxx]I fear thunderstorms
[xxxxxxxxxxxx]I dislike VERY ERY much(even more) Homophobic(spelling?)
[x]I like the Paranormal
[_]I have black colour eyes
[xxxxxxx]Im not very good at these thingys
[____________]Im pretty
[_____________]I have a girlfriend :'( *tears*
[x]I belive in love at first sight
[______________]I have come out *Properly* to someone
[______________]Someone in my city/town nos im gay
[_]Im quite smart
[x]Im bored right now
[xxxx]Im going to end this silly thing now

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Some people..i dunno [06 May 2005|01:04pm]
[ mood | sick ]

OMG I hate getting emails that are gross!
EG one girl on my contact list sent me a penis email omfg Its like
‘’HELLO” I despise(dont want it) dick(well i dont prefrence if for me), I like pussy!, what the fuck em I sposed to do with is this bloody point less email!
And the other part is it says send on or ELSE you will have a bad sex life...
I dont think id like to risk that...ha
O well stupid chain email...BAH

Now that i got that outta my sytem...

Theres not much to say, coz i got nothing else to say...What i can think of right now?

So if i do ill make another entry..

Buh bye nows

xoxo

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Screw the government! [28 Apr 2005|04:13pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Omy im so very much pissed off today now.. This world is so very much corrupted!!! Even tho i knew that before even more so now(if that make sense)!
I like to know whats going on all around the world but really its so fucked up(yes i swear) ok so i knew about in Australia (stupid politics, thats why i dont like them) that they banned Gay Marriages and im not too sure about Gay's being allowed to adopt children or not but even in like America some states your allowed to do this and your allowed to do that but really then in some states ive heard they CAN BLOODY CHANGE THE LAWS on about Gay Marriage! So does that mean even when a Gay couple have marriaged(spelling) its seen as 'legal' but then they go on a change there stupid minds and say its not allowed that there've seen as not legally marriaged!? Thats bloody stupid(and im being nice) Its so stupid why cant 'us'(meaning everyone) just be like ' they're so called normal' Marriages or life in genral and let us all be!
Its really getting to me this whole thing, i mean why!? Why is the world like this, thats why i signed a petition for this issue, might not make a diffrence but at least i tryed.

Id thought id share with anyone who read this so heres the link~

http://www.livejournal.com/users/freakbymistake/10728.html

Share it around. get the word out, WE CANT BE SILENCED ANYLONGER!



"The time is always right to do what is right" - Martin Luther King, Jr


Ill go now i might be back to rant, rave ect ect again today who knows!

Peace
XxX Renee

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