The World Is A Rollercoaster And I Am Not Strapped In.

In the end its all the same.

(no subject)
It doesn't really feel like a new year to me. Everyone's very excited. I don't know how I feel about it. Maybe it's just cause I have been throwing up all morning, or maybe it's because I really feel like things aren't coming to an end. Or even to a new beginning either. It's strange, I can't even really remember the beginning of the year. I remember Adrienne and I went to Max's. I don't remember what we did. I know someone sprayed champagne all over the floor, and then there was a dance party and people started taking off their clothes and I'm also having slight memories of Backstreet Boys, but I'm pretty sure that was another party. It's the end of the year and I'm watching Mike play Grand Theft Auto Liberty City game and debating on going to the bar later, even though I'm feeling sick. Bryan's band is play a free show at Rubber Gloves. I'll probably go for the Bryantime before he leaves on tour and the free champagne at midnight if I feel better. Not getting drunk though, too broke to get drunk. Hahaha. Or maybe party hop with these two bottles of wine in my car and get my party onnnn. Who knows? Does this make me sad? Do I care? It's no big.

Anyways, I think I'm going to try new things in the new year, just to make it less monotonous. I say that now, but the follow up I'm dreading. There are the like finding a new job and trying to get some sort of degree/certification. I'm just lacking the motivation right now. Not taking any sort of initiative and I have to. I think Bryan might get sick of me being such a bum, but I'm not doing it just for him, I have to do it for me too. My EMT class filled up, but it's all good I wouldn't have passed the drug test anyways. I need a hobby, something to kill the monotony too, my mom/aunt got me some art and writing supplies, notebooks and stuff, I think I'll start using those. I haven't drawn anything in so long. I miss painting for no reason. And writing too. There's just been nothing in my head lately, no pictures, no words. It's just been blank, my creativity is shot and I need it back. It's a part of me. It always has been.

So I guess that's my plan for the new year, I can't really think of anything else. I'd love to travel more, but you need money to travel. Maybe I'll do that. I don't know, my stomach is starting to hurt again, so I'm going to go lay down and watch some T.V. I just needed to ramble a little bit.

Damn, I need friends.
Bryan and I almost broke up. We sat on my balcony yesterday and talked about it. Kind of half way talked about it, anyways. We also half way talked about it in Wal-Mart. I think I scared him earlier this week. Like literally freaked him out. We might still break up. I wouldn't know, he doesn't tell me anything.

Sometimes when I'm stressed and PMSing I get a little freakish. Yelling, throwing shit about, or tears coming out of every duct possible, etc. All of the above sometimes, but I try my damn hardest to spare him of that. Example, around this time last month he had a show in Dallas, long story short, I drank too much whiskey (...ughhh) & ended up crying hysterically for about 20 minutes, then laughing for about 30, then crying again. And he put up with it so nicely, or at least he never said anything to me about it. He kind of made fun of me, but nothing else. I think, comparatively, that night was far worse then earlier this week. I mean, I've been extremely stressed, my family situation, monetary situations, etc. I've been prone to a lot upset nights, nothing I can't usually handle with a pint of Ben and Jerry's and The Notebook (still gets me everytime). You know? And fuck it, I think I deserve it, I'm about to get my period on top of all this. But on Wednesday or so, the dams broke and I couldn't keep it together. I cried, and I told him things. Things like how, I feel like I'm never really 100% honest with anyone, even him. How I feel like I can't be. How it's hard, for me. Maybe that was an example of situations when it's best not to be. I talked about how I don't know where I'm going to be in a few months, in all states, emotionally, financially, etc. And how much that scared me, and stressed me out. All the while, crying (freakish...I tell you), but down right bearing my soul. And then, I told him I didn't want to bring him down with me, if something went wrong. I told him that I try to look out for him, because I do. I meant it, in all honesty. And he considered. He didn't tell me he was considering, but he considered it. I could tell. When I'd ask him what was wrong he'd say nothing. He wouldn't look at me. He'd snap at me in front of his friends. He hardly touched me, for 3 days. That passive aggressive bullshit for 3 days. And we were still doing our normal everyday thing, like nothing was happening. So I confronted him in Wal-Mart, not a "what the fuck is your problem" confrontation, but he wanted to argue with me about something mundane like why dijon mustard sucks. I LIKE dijon mustard, fuck you. And I told him, in the short of things, if he had something he wanted to talk to me about that he'd better just fucking do it, and to stop being a fucking baby about everything. Those exact words, minus the "fucking"s, I do believe. I got the "Not here." response, so we finished our shopping in peace, went to my apt. cause it was my night for dinner, started said dinner, and cornered the bastard. And he told me, that he doesn't want to break up, he doesn't want to take a break, he loves me, he says. That he was thinking about it, and was sorry for the passive aggressiveness, but that he couldn't think of a nice way to say "hey, I'm thinking about breaking up with you" (Touche.) and that he wants to be with me through this. He says.

We ate dinner, had a spatula swordfight, watched Amadeus, had some sexytime, and went to bed.

We woke up this morning, had a nice morning. Noon or so rolls around and he starts rushing me, saying he wants to go home, it didn't upset me or anything, I took my time anyways. He can't leave without me, it's my car. And when we got back to his house, we didn't do anything productive anyways. The better internet is there so I utilized that. But like a goddamned light switch, the passive aggressiveness is back. The stand-offishness, the snide comments, the whole kit-n-caboodle. He played some video games with me and stuff, cause I insisted, but it was all there. The pretend normalcy. And I don't know what to do. I'm giving him some space, because I need to get some stuff done tonight anyways that probably doesn't want to be around for anyways, I just...

I almost went off into a rant about how much I love him, and don't want to lose him, that's pathetic.

Uptown Bums.
Do not go to Austin today, Khacey.
As bad as you want Hot Dog King/Torchy's do not go to Austin today. You can't afford it.

I need to write a letter to my parents.
To tell them that I'm not going to be in school next semester. Because let's face it, "Hey mom & dad, I'm taking a break from college!" isn't going to go over well at Thanksgiving dinner. Well, I may be in school, but I won't be at an accredited university. I need a break, I took a semester off, a few years ago and it was nice, but this, this will be more long term. I've come to the conclusion that if I'm 30 and still doing nothing with my life and/or I get to the point where I can't pay back my student loans comfortably, I'll go back. Mostly because I'll have no other choice. The local community college here offers a one-semester EMT certification program. And you know what, I think I'm going to go for it. I can deal with the fucked up shit, I'll see on a daily basis. In fact, I think I'll need it. I'll need something to snap me back into reality. Something to show me that life is very fleeting and that it can't be taken for granted. The entry level pay is 35,000 a year or better. I can live on that. Hell, I can live on that well. I'll have to start paying my own bills, of course, I can't expect my parents to support me financially anymore and I won't. Bryan is disappointed in me, he tried to talk me out of it. But I can't listen. This is the first adult choice I've made in a long time. Ultimately, this is for the sake of my happiness. I've felt like throwing myself in front of a bus for years, because I can't see myself in the future. I have no clear goals, and I'm not doing something that is making me happy. I need to be happy, or at least content, first and foremost. Financially stable coming in a very close second. So I think this is a good opportunity for me. An opprotunity for a fresh start. I need this.

This is depressing.
I haven't updated this in years.

I was going to take it upon myself to try to vaguely summarize the past 2 years, but I realized that I don't have the patience. So, I'm just going to forget all that stuff and start with now. I'm 22 now. I don't know what to do about college anymore, my grades are terrible, I just can't find anything I'm passionate about and stick with it & these days it's making me lack the motivation to wake up in the morning, much less actually go to class. I'm seriously considering dropping out, it's getting too expensive for me to continue being so indecisive. My parents think I'm a fuck-up. [I am.] I have a sinkhole of a part time job. I just got hired at another sinkhole part time job. I feel like I have nothing. But that's a lie, I have love.

This is Bryan making a ridiculous face. He is tall [over a foot taller then me], handsome [when he's not making ridiculous faces], with fabulously curly hair. He's a supreme video games dork [he talked to me on the phone about Street Fighter for almost an hour on his lunch break yesterday] and a talented self-taught chef. He plays bass and sings back-up vocals in his band, The Uptown Bums. And most of all he loves me. He says he knew that he could love me the first time he saw me.

The feeling is mutual.

Other then Bryan, I have nothing.

I'm 22 and have nothing to show for it.

(no subject)
*Updates journal*

(no subject)
That last post has been up forever.
And I'm better, I update my Myspace blog more than this thing now. I should be more faithful to my beloved Livejournal.
Let's see, what's been going down these past couple of days weeks. I've seen more of Collin, and I'm not so sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I've painted more. I've worked a lot. And I'm raising a baby, named Loki.

Whenever I think of the word "beautiful" his face comes to mind. He was playing his saxaphone last night and I was in a state of complete bliss, we were together until 3 in the morning when I forced myself to go home. But I'm wondering, if I should be faithful to Joshuah, because we're on better terms now. All it took was a few drunken "I love you's" & "I miss you's" & he had me right back in the palm of his hand.

Someone make this easier.

(no subject)
Why the hell am I so polite?
Why the fuck am I so polite?

Why do I fucking care? Because I usually don't get this sort of attention.
Because I fucking care about him. That's why.
And I shouldn't. Not this much. I shouldn't care at all.
Because he doesn't. Oh, he probably will miraculously start caring again once the semester starts, I can see it now. But right now, he doesn't care; at all.

I've been used. Again.

(no subject)
If there is someone on your friends list who makes your world a better place just because they exist and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.

(no subject)
I'm sitting on the steps of the Denton courthouse at this very moment, procrastinating, avoiding a 6-10 page research paper on Freud, and the relation A Rose for Emily has to some of his theories, etc. etc. Bah. It's really funny really, that this weekend has come to a close. It started late THursday night and has been going strong since. I can't imagine a better time. For one, I'm absolutely in love with this boy named Collin and it became rather apparent to me while I was with someone else. But I didn't end that relationship in a haste when I found my feelings strongly waining, instead I chose to be selfish and enjoy the feeling of not being alone. Rather horrid of me, no? But my long absences didn't go unnoticed, so I made the best of said situation and ended it promply before things got worse. I didn't out right lie when I told him I wouldn't be around and that I was entering into a new phase in my life, but I chose to strategically omit that I was in love with someone else. Funny, because I'm typing this knowing that he'll soon find out and probably hate me for all eternity, but whatever. There is no way to describe a situation without making me look like a horrible person, and I've come to face that fact. It'll pass. And now that I've gone off on a tangent, back to my weekend. This weekend involved excessive amounts of alcohol, singing and the occasional awkward glance. Thursday night around 11 or so, my good friend Nicole and I invited Collin and a few of his friends out for my newly found addiction --other than cigarettes, coffee, at this amazing little coffeehouse that I could spend my entire life in. So we enjoyed coffee and well Collin and his friends being excessively drunk thanks strongly to a large amount of sake. The decision was made to head back over to Collin's brother's house and do a bit of drinking and a large amount of talking. It was beyond nice having intellectual conversation with him, I can't even express how deeply my feelings for this boy go..and I have to end this rather quickly because I'm being attacked by a sprinkler.


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