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Subject:To Jeannie
Time:07:02 pm
I'm gonna tell you what you need to hear
And i'm a little too late
By three or four years
And it may not make much sense
Now that we are apart
But i'm going to stop pretending
That i didn't break your heart

You see i never thought enough of myself
To realize that losing me could mean
Something like the tears in your eyes
And i want to tell you i'm sorry
And it's too late to start
But i'm going to stop pretending
That i didn't break your heart

And it's christmas eve
Years down the line
Sitting here wishing i'd treated you better
When you were mine
And i have no way of knowing where you are
But i'm going to stop pretending
That i didn't break your heart

I didn't mean to hurt you
I didn't know what i was doing
But i know what i have done
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Time:11:48 am
I thrust myself out to you in such a collapsed heap. Stabbing madly at you with the extent of my depravity. Insane determination. I was taking a stand. I was not going to lose this one. I fought with everything I had. Everything I was. Endlessly punishing myself. For not being able to keep you. It was my greatest failure. And you meticulously stripped away everything I had to fight with, piece by piece. So precisely, I could tell you had done this many times before. My determination became desperation. But I was not going to give in. I was not going to accept failure in myself. I was better than that. My intuition became so clouded, I lost sight of reality. All that existed was my defeat. One by one, my moral boundaries slipped away. I was not going to give up knowing I had not tried. It became acceptable to manipulate you, to use you, to hurt you. All's fair in love and war and I was playing to win.
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Subject:Do you remember poutine and tea after seeing a movie?
Time:09:39 pm
I remember how cute you looked in that shirt. The white one with short sleeves and little flowers on it. That you always felt uncomfortable wearing in front of my parents because it showed too much cleavage. But it made you look fucking adorable. I remember how hot you looked with Uma-Thurman straight hair. I remember so many non-stop iced teas. I remember late night searches through the phone book for food. I remember the comforting routine of South Park, Simpsons, and King of the Hill. I remember the pure excitement walking into that empty apartment for the first time. I remember dumpster diving in the rain, hiding under our hoodies. I remember the crappy boston pizza waiter  and my constant overtipping. I remember how excited I was to buy you the pentax k1000... and how excited you were when you opened it. I remember playing jade empire and putting up christmas decorations. Or the nightmare before christmas. Or silent hill 4. We got so scared. I remember deciding to give up coffee so that we could buy you a camera (though i somehow managed to keep drinking coffee...). I remember how nice it was to come home to you after work and just hang out. I remember wrestling each other to the floor. I remember the pepperoni from frozen pizzas, banana flambe and oodle noodle. I remember arizona iced tea. I remember hugging you from the back seat. I remember how horrible Bug was. I remember going to second cup to do crossword puzzles. I remember how much fun we had bathing celci and hermie together. I remember sitting on the balcony, watching lost. I remember me saying 'oh really?' after you got punched in the kidney and it being caught on tape. I remember sitting on the kitchen floor our second night together and you coming to talk to me. I remember messaging you and talking with you for 5 hours on the phone the same night. I remember never communicating my feelings properly. I remember how much you supported me when i was busy working. I remember you dragging me to the hospital. I remember watching mallrats in that small basement apartment. I remember bath bombs.
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Subject:Three blues, two greens and a beer
Time:01:26 am
Try as he might he's unable to speak
He grabs her by the hair, he strokes her on the cheek
The bed is unmade like everything is
Dark little heaven at the top of the stairs
Take me like that, ruin it all
Then build it again by the light in the hall
He drops to his knees says please my love, please
I'll kill who you hate, take off that dress, you won't freeze

One more night, that was a good one
One more night, i dreamed it was a good one
One more, one more night, that was a good one
One more night, the end should be a good one
A good one

He starts with her back cause that's what he sees
When she's breaking his heart she still fucks like a tease
Release to the sky, look him straight in the eye
And tell him that now, that you wish he would die
You'll never touch him again so get what you can
Leaving him empty just because he's a man
So good when it ends, they'll never be friends
One more night, that's all they can spend

One more night, that was a good one
One more night, i dreamed it was a good one
One more, one more night, that was a good one
One more night, the end should be a good one
A good one
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Subject:One Month
Time:12:04 pm
10:12:11 PM ~stEph~: It's like... I've said it has to end a million times
10:12:13 PM ~stEph~: And so have you
10:12:17 PM ~stEph~: And it hasn't ever.
10:12:18 PM ~stEph~: EVER
10:12:20 PM Mark: exactly
10:12:27 PM ~stEph~: And I felt better when you backed off a bit
10:12:38 PM ~stEph~: And then you reeled me in when I was worried you were suicidal
10:12:54 PM Mark: that's not fair
10:13:03 PM ~stEph~: NOt intentionally
10:13:10 PM ~stEph~: I fully believe you are in a bad space
10:13:17 PM ~stEph~: I'm just saying that's what has happened
10:13:21 PM Mark: YOU reeled me in when i was separated from you
10:13:26 PM Mark: with your ultimatum
10:13:34 PM ~stEph~: Yeah, I'm horrible
10:13:43 PM ~stEph~: I'm just like Curtis, aren't I?
10:13:55 PM ~stEph~: I could choose to not hurt you repeatedly
10:14:06 PM ~stEph~: And with Curtis, I wanted him to make the choice
10:14:11 PM ~stEph~: Because he needed to
10:14:17 PM ~stEph~: And now the ownus is on me
10:14:40 PM Mark: i know exactly where i'm at steph
10:14:47 PM Mark: you need to figure out where you're at
10:15:11 PM ~stEph~: You're right
10:15:14 PM Mark: maybe space will help
10:15:20 PM ~stEph~: Probalby
10:15:23 PM ~stEph~: *probably
10:15:24 PM Mark: i think we should stop talking for a while
10:15:27 PM ~stEph~: ok
10:16:00 PM Mark: let's say a month
10:16:04 PM ~stEph~: Woah
10:16:14 PM ~stEph~: That will take a lot of willpower
10:16:16 PM ~stEph~: I have your watch
10:16:21 PM ~stEph~: And .
10:16:22 PM ~stEph~: Ok
10:16:30 PM Mark: is this what you want or not?
10:16:55 PM ~stEph~: I don't know
10:16:58 PM ~stEph~: I've never been sure
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Time:10:21 am
A friend of mine wrote these words and I think they are gorgeous:

Beneath their frozen and icy exterior, these skeletal branches are fragile, a cracked white like so many years of concrete expanding and contracting from the pressure of the elements. They hang poised, silent, unstirring. Waiting. But it is not such a watertight facade, the hairline cracks reveal transparency in spots, where a cool glow emanates outwards from their insides. Seemingly bitter and unbreakable, these dendriforms deny their own disposition. Discarding the realization that they could be shattered in a moment – transformed into a million mirrored reflections glistening and sparkling, they remain smooth and calm in their impermanence, drip drip dripping away with the slants of the sun. One single drop of melted glass after another until there is only a clear puddle of light.

It was not always this way, there was once a time of green soft mossy vibrancy, the vines were fully draped in a fuzzy blanket of moss (only one side of course). A time when the air was not so cold, when it was warm and moist, when the fresh soil crumbling beneath the root of this growth trembled with life, deep into the core of the earth. Bumpy and gnarled like a tumor, these growths stretched over the vast lush forest floor.

Other branches had suffered a similar fate, devoured by the red flames licking their underbellies and turning their exoskeletons into a soft powdery black, charred and left to drift away with a slight summer breeze.

But somehow this demise was the most poetic, these branches had seen so much in their time, climbing the silent stone walls of this garden, and long forgotten by their keeper. They were witness to all of the events that took place here and were by no means naïve to the goings on of the creatures around them. If it weren’t for the collapse of the entire empire, perhaps they would still be watching the servants rushing around the cobbled paths, back and forth with carts and trays. It was a nice comfort in those days to be a spectator in the mundane happenings and to have no concern at all for the outcome.

What a difference from the way things are now.

After the screaming had died down and the remaining corpses had mostly decayed and sunk into the earth, after the last survivors had scratched and picked their way over the land, scrounging any food they could find, there was only silence. A soft swaying wind would occasionally push an unhinged door or an unstable pile of wood that was used for fuel (towards the end, this attempt was in turn abandoned as the hope was too thin to hold). As the days got colder it became increasingly quiet, and the frost covered the world with its icy touch, trailing along every stone and leaf, and of course, the branches themselves.

Still they dangle, barely alive. Left to rot from the inside out, petrified by ice from the outside in, and preserved in the constant flux.
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Time:10:30 am
confused and angry
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Time:12:34 am
midnight came and you didn't
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Time:05:44 pm
My neck is stiff today.

More wandering. Always wandering.

Walter's work is stunning and haunting. So much sadness.

I feel both strong enough to support any amount of weight and so weak that the slightest breeze will knock me over.
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Subject:Bus fare adventures
Time:02:51 pm
I'm not sure that I recognize myself anymore. There was a time that I was very careful about my words and actions. I allowed my logic and rationality to govern what i did. It was a protective shell, keeping me from any situation which could be too dangerous or damaging. I was very safe and very sheltered.

This shell, however, could not hold ad infinitum. It seems to have begun cracking. Every time you pull away I feel like I lose another piece of it. It feels like you're hurting me. Like you're really damaging me. But you're just hurting my shell. It's false pain.

Last night I felt like a primate. Trying to prove myself the alpha male. These primal instincts that I did not even know existed within me were dominating my actions. My rational mind would have never allowed me to do what I did last night. I look at it and I can see how childish and immature it was. I can see how I was not fair to you. But at the same time, I find myself forming a new ideology. I used to believe so strongly in rules and limits in social interaction. In not showing too much emotion. Keeping everything in moderation. Now I seem to be shedding those beliefs. I start to feel like when you really get down to it, there are no rules. I mean we're all just people, interacting. All of our ideas about social interaction, about conventions, are just that, ideas. They don't really exist.

I start to wonder why I should let myself be governed by any kind of social code. I mean, what's the point? Why not just do whatever you can get away with? There's a certain kind of purity that comes from letting go of these ideas. No morality. No rules. Just interactions. They are what they are. That's the way that part of me feels about last night.

But that's a cop out. That's completely ignoring responsibility for what I've been doing. And what I've been doing is becoming possessive and controlling. The idea of an open relationship has me fucking terrified. And I started to let my fear get the better of me. My insecurity's thrive on the idea of you with someone else. I don't know how to cope.

I've become WAY too attached to the idea of being with you. It's going to take some time to get past that attachment again. It will be painful. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through it. But I have no other choice. I can't let this attachment continue to dominate me. It is hurting us both.

The part that makes it so complicated is that it's not just attachment. Underneath all of those messy layers there is something genuine. There is a real and honest connection between us. And I have fallen in love with you. It is a painful kind of love, because you cannot give me comfort or security (in more than short-term bursts). A love that is very difficult to sit with. But there are those few moments here and there when we can just exist as two people interacting. And it is beautiful. I live for moments like that.

Yes, steph, i cling to you. I clasp onto you and I don't let go for dear life. I know that you hate that. I know you feel trapped by it. And I know it's why you need to push me away. I hate that I've done that to you. I wish I could go back and yell at myself to wake up to what I'm doing. If I could ask for anything I would ask that you would appreciate just how important and significant my interactions with you are to me. Realize that past all of my possessiveness and negativity and dramatics, that I really do just want to give to you. I want to spoil you.

But I'm bidding again. sigh.
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