Feeling a little confused tonight. Lots of things going through my head. *allen*, *M*... guitar shopping... drunken memories. etc. Things I want to get down, even though I know it's already after 11 and I have to be at work at 8 tomorrow. I'm hoping I'll sleep better if I spill everything.
As far as the drunken memories go.... I'm just finding it weird how memorable things fade so fast for me these days. Or so it seems. Maybe it has to do with my back-and-forth mindset right now, but the concert on Wedneday already seems like it was ages ago. It was so fresh in my mind just a few days ago, some of it vivid, much of it not. Come to think of it, I think having been plastered at the show had most everything to do with my remembering only bits and pieces of it. Grr. I hate that... me and my once-perfect memory. And I'm destroying it by ramping up my drinking habits. Argh. And really, what was there so memorable about the show? Besides it being a really good show, all the bands were great, and I discovered I love bluegrass. Aside from that, nothing terribly special went on with *M*.
Actually, nothing special at all. At least I didn't "only see him 4 times the whole night" - which he had jokingly said before the show about him running in and out of the bar, talking to people, smoking, buying drink after drink, and who knows what else. I actually got to talk to him for most of the time, though I took care to wander off by myself from time to time and not "cling" too much... which seems like an odd word to use in reference to a non-S.O. But still. And I don't think he minded my hanging around, at least we had things to talk about the whole time. Thing that gets me, though. I thought I was trying lots harder than usual to be flirty, but maybe I wasn't. God, I wish I could tell through the drunken haze. I know I had WAY more to drink than I needed to. I could have had half as much (2 pints instead of 4+) and still been able to be fun and talkative. Argh. I need to learn to limit myself.
Anyway, I guess maybe the flirtiness only came across as friendliness... or... in *M*'s words from a random conversation at work a few days ago (in reference to something/someone else entirely, a random girl flirting with him at the bar) - he "just wasn't in the mood for picking up on signals." WTF??? Well, I suppose I'm often not in the mood for sending obvious signals... or something... or, the theory I'm coming to rely on these days, I just forgot how to flirt. I got used to the obvious, blatant flirting thing online with the last 2 (*zach* and *allen).... and with *frank* it was just so easy, so much chemistry between us. Gaaargh, I just don't know. It probably all comes down to him just not being interested. But hey, I'm attached anyway, so WHAT DOES IT MATTER?? ARRRGH. I can't help being fond of him in so many ways. Even though I know there's only about a .00001% chance of anything ever happening, I at least would like to be better/closer friends with him. Geez. Just because we're 11 years apart doesn't mean we don't connect on a couple of levels.
I need to learn to stop putting my foot in my mouth around him. Be myself, don't talk just to fill space, don't try too extra hard to be fun/funny or witty or whatever. Be warmer. Argh, I don't know. Every time I have it figured out I lose it again before I can process the thought. Well, I think I'm getting a little better. I did manage "well, you smelled good this morning"... but the execution was bad. I could have looked at him when I said it, and sounded like it was something special to me - like I noticed it for a reason. Blargh. But god knows he still MIGHT JUST NOT BE RECEPTIVE TO IT!
ARGH! I keep reminding myself that he may very well know exactly what's going on, but chooses to ignore it because he's not interested one little bit, and even tries to inhibit it by not acting on anything at all that I say. That could explain the not even considering asking me if I needed a place to go to sober up before going home after the concert. Asshole. Or maybe he was planning to go home and fuck his "roomate/exgirlfriend/bestfriend" whatever. Who knows what's up with that. Oh, what the hell do I care!!!!!!
Argh. LEt me talk about something else. *allen*. Oh geez, I don't know what to think anymore. It's not that he's doing anything wrong. It's not that there's a major issue. I just need more goddamn space!! Rrrgh. I don't know, it's probably not that simple really. The fact that I only really feel like having sex with him when I'm fantasizing hard about someone else is a bad thing. Not that I don't find him attractive anymore... I;ve always thought he was cute, probably always will. But, I don't know. Maybe the hair is getting to me finally (abundance of it in some places, lack of it in others :/ ...)
Ack. This makes me feel horrible to talk about him like this. I have no idea at all what to do about it. I think I know what I want/need, but I don't have the first clue as to how to go about changing things. I HATE the discussion part of breaking up. I hate the trial period. I hate the awkwardness and uncertainty and needing. I want to still have him around, I really do. We're great friends. But I have SUCH a huge need to go explore myself and my world right now, and I'm thinking more and more that he doesn't quite fit into that picture, not permanently anyway. There are so many fundamental things that just aren't right... views on money and material things, primarily... as well as political views (my lack of them, mostly, and not being very interested in hearing his).... and the creative stuff, I'm afraid he doesn't "feed" me creatively at all. I really need a companion who is at least as grounded in music as I am, perhaps more... kinda like Dad. I guess it's true what they say about women looking for qualities their father had (assuming they looked up to their fathers). And I do mean grounded in making music, not just "this artist made this album in this year adn it was number one for this long"... bah. I could care less about STP and Pearl Jam and Soundgarden and whatever.... I really could care a lot fucking less. I hate to use this comparison, but *M*'s music taste - as well as talent and inclination - is really something to me. I need to be constantly fed creatively, even if I'm not doing much with it - because I know I will someday.
Which brings me to the next thought. Guitars. Oh, so many friggin models to choose from. In my price range even. Well, I keep saying I need to wait and see just how much money Mom sends me. If it's more than I thought, I *might* go ahead and get one with pre-amp stuff. But I'm still leaning more towards straight up acoustic. Problem is, nothing I held/strummed today really struck me as a must-have, although none of them was one to avoid either. I could go with a cheaper one, and make other uses of the money (accessories, probably), or I could go with a more expensive one, and make sure I'm getting the most of the money. I don't know. I'll maybe ask *M* some more about it. And do some other research. I really just have no clue what I'm looking for. I know so little about guitars, other than that I'd like to be good at playing one. Hmmm.
Blargh. I need to stop rambling and get to bed. This isn't a good time of the month to be thinking too deeply anyway, chances are half the things I thought I was so sure about will change when the hormones subside. I know that's why I had the breakdown over *M* on Friday night, anyway. At least, I'm pretty sure. I'll have to see. These weekends have been so weird....... oh well, grah, don't wanna think about it anymore - I gotta go to bed so I can work in the morning - boo for working on Sunday, yay for seeing *M* a day sooner than I would have otherwise. :P