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Monday, October 18th, 2004

Subject:Revived from the depths, again
Time:11:00 pm.
There are still times that I think I might want to revive this journal for its original purpose, but keep not getting around to it. I still don't think I'll revive it for full time, but at least to have a second identity to post to communities and other journals where I wouldn't want my main LJ to be discovered. Not yet anyway. This thing still isn't going public, but I suppose acknowledging myself to sympathetic parties is a step towards that. I dunno. I almost told one of my best friends, but just couldn't get it out. But it's coming to the surface more and more these days. One of these days, it'll break out into the open.... when I'm ready.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, March 9th, 2004

Subject:Oh yeah.
Time:11:50 am.
It's finally over. *allen* and I actually broke up.

Don't feel like going into detail... as I feared, this journal might fall by the wayside. Might transfer friends and communities to my regular journal now that I have nothing to hide, though. *shrug*

Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, February 24th, 2004

Subject:What a day.
Time:7:20 pm.
Mood: naughty.
YEah, long time no post. Been doing most of my writing in my notebook journal, mostly because the stuff I've been writing has been along the lines of stuff you'd find in eroticfantasies..... yeah.

But anyway, today was a bit different than the rest have been lately.

First off, I got my summer job. WOOHOO! The theater in the park was looking for several carps and they called us since we recently stole their MC to be our TD... basically asking what we were all doing for the summer because they needed people. I sent in my resume a few weeks ago, but kept putting off calling them because I'm lazy and hate professional phone calls like that. But today, the TD actually came over to chat with us (since both *M* and I expressed interest in working there). He basically said "here's what we're doing, I'm offering you both positions, let me know what you decide" and *M* and I both chimed in and said "I've thought about it and yes I'll take it."

Lovely, I'll have to put up with get to spend the summer working with him. This could get...... fucked up. Or more so, anyway. But hey, I don't mind. I live for this kind of thing :P

Which brings me to the next interesting thing. After work when I was sitting on the couch taking off my work boots and getting ready to go home, I was chatting with *lisa* about having gotten the job and how I was "really not complaining" about working with *M* all summer. I thought at the time that *M* had already gone home or at least was int he office. Or, well, I guess I just wasn't using my fucking head. Anyway, *lisa* reminded me that I "can't have him", for that matter neither of us could "have him" because we both have boyfriends. (She doesn't want him, she was just clarifying her "you can't have him statement" with the parallel example that she couldn't have him either if she wanted him becayse of the same reason I can't - a boyfriend.) Anyway, I started to say that I see it more in terms of him not being able to have me, but righ tin the middle of that sentence, *M* waltzed right back into the shop. I happened to hear him come in so I turned and saw him and immediately shut up......... but then it hit me that he might have heard every single fucking word of our conversation. I have a loud fucking voice. Oh fuck. I told *lisa* we'd continue the convo later, if need be, gathered my stuff fast, and dashed for the door. Of course, I again forgot that we had to go out the side door because of rehearsal, so then I had to go *back* through the shop to the side door, and avoided meeting eyes with *M* on my way. Crap crap crap. If he heard that conversation there's no *way* he could *not* deduce that I have a thing for him.

Why's this a bad thing?? Didn't I want him to know? Well, I guess, but not FOR REAL! Yipe! This could cause all kinds of weirdnesz. Or... maybe he'd just brush it off, I dunno. I think I'd better keep my mouth shut for a bit. Just in case.

Anyway, as if that wasn't enough excitement for one day, I came home to find a topic reply notification in my email box pointing me to new pictures posted at the camp website from last summer........ and there were soooo many fucking hot picks of *frank* in there! Agh! I've not seen how long his hais by now so finding these was a huge treat.

Oh, and there was also the really interesting conversation with *lee* last night, which doesn't need retelling. Suffice it to say that it's a good thing we had that conversation online as there would have been *much* less "good behavior" if it were in person.

I'm going insane. I need to do something about my situation... I'm getting there, slowly... one of these days I swear I'll talk to *allen*. I keep not wanting to think about it, of course. There are too many other fun things to think about...... ;)
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Wednesday, February 11th, 2004

Subject:It never ends......
Time:10:11 pm.
Mood: drunk.
Minor news point number 1: *M* is back at work, and back to his old self, surprisingly. And I had been really beginning to enjoy having the shop to myself, too. Oh well, it was still good to have him back. Back to the insanity... maybe... seems to have calmed down a bit while he was gone, which is good.

(side note: I really can't type right now, I keep having to go back ad fix things, so this will be short)

Minor news point number 2: I now officially have a crush on the guy who works at the climbing gym. He was finally there tonight, after never working while I was there for like several weeks. And damn, he looks more and more hot every time I see him. ;) He even asked if I had been coming around as much as I used to because he hadn't seen me.... Wow, he noticed! *flattered* Hey, I needed another source of motivation to go climbing more than once a week.. this could count as one. ;)

It's getting to the point where I think about breaking up with *allen* more and more when I'm actually *with* him... which isn't good. I don't know what to do, but I don't feel like spewing through those thoughts again tonight. I've had a huge late dinner and a pint and a half of beer, and it's time to go to bed... it's the same old stuff anyway. Sooner or later I'll make some sense of it.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, February 9th, 2004

Subject:Whoa. Creepy.
Time:10:49 pm.
Mood: horny.
Apparently the dream I had about *lee* like a month ago actually had some bearing in real life. I dreamed (amongst other dreams) that I was walking through a store like Walmart or something, browsing the CD music aisle. And I glanced at a shelf tag and noticed that it had his name on it.. but instead of his full name all spelled out, it was his first name and the shortened version of his last name that he uses as his AIM screenname and in his personal email address. I remember looking at the tag and being impressed that he had actually recorded and released an album. I was telling him about this dream just tonight. He was amazed because that was actually the name he had always wanted to use as his recording name.... and he is indeed planning to record music someday. He said that me telling him that totally floored him, too, in a good way. Hehe... awesome. I love surprising people with my random psychic abilities. (If only they weren't so random... oh well.)



Oh crap. How did I get on THAT train of thought now?!?!?! Eeeep! I guess the bedtime fantasies will have a different focus tonight... I haven't thought about him in awhile..... *shivers of excitement* ;>
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Thursday, February 5th, 2004

Time:12:50 pm.
Mood: bored.
It's so fucking quiet at work without *M* here. Sane, yes. Tame, yes. Fun, no.

Oh well, I'll deal.

Do I go to Joshua Tree to climb this weekend or not??? I need to get out and climb. But it's going to be really fucking cold out there.... hmm.

Just passing time on lunch at work here...

There's not even much to read on LJ with r0b666 not posting while he's on vacation... heh, again, I'll deal. :P

Something tells me the next month or so at work are going to be very hectic. The next show has so much detail... and we're short a carpenter... and short on the labor budget... and short on skilled overhire labor... gaaaah. On the plus side, overtime, and altered hours, so the potential to not have to drive in rush hour traffic for awhile...

Which reminds me. DID EVERYONE AND THEIR GODDAMN BROTHER MOVE EAST OF DOWNTOWN ALL OF SUDDEN?!? WHY DID IT TAKE ME HALF AN HOUR TO GET TO WORK WHEN IT NORMALLY TAKES 10 MINUTES?! Rrrrrrrgh. Sometimes I wonder how good of a "tradeoff" it really was to move out east and have to commute into work just for the sake of cheaper rent.... But then, it didn't used to be this bad in the mornings. And I even left 10 minutes earlier than I usually do. Maybe there's construction somewhere that's forcing everyone to take my way to work. Well, at least I don't have to scream and beat on my CD deck in the car anymore. That was always the source of my "road rage".

Ooops, time to go back to work. *sigh* The next week is going to go soooo sloooowwww.....
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, February 1st, 2004

Subject:Delayed posting....
Time:8:42 pm.
Mood: lethargic.
Oh yeah, the party on Friday just sucked ass. So much for me being all charged up on caffeine and high on life all afternoon and prancing around in my outfit "practicing" how I was going to be seductive and flirty. I was more of a bump on a log by the time this party rolled around than any of the ones before.... thanks to not only *allen* being there but even *liz* was there. ARGH! I felt bad enough being flirty in front of *allen*, but I was prepared to not worry about it and flirt with him equally, until *liz* showed up and I just felt completely wrong about the whole thing. How can I compete with an exgirlfriend/roommate/bestfriend possibly with benefits....? grrrahh. Anyway, the real problem wasn't so much that I didn't flirt with *M* as it was that I burned out all my energy earlier in the day, and had too much caffeine, so by the party I was crashing from the caffeine buzz AND had had too much to drink already.... so I hardly talked to *allen*, or anyone at my table, let alone wandered around to chat with other people. My drinks were: champagne at dinner... beer before the show... chugged a beer at intermission... and then I might have done ok if *allen* hadn't went and bought me the Guiness w/ Tia Maria after I specifically asked him for WATER..... grr... and then I got a Newcastle because I needed to wash the Guiness down with something, it was way too heavy.

Well, at least the actual show was good. Really good, actually.

I almost had a complete and total breakdown after the party when we got back to *allen's*, unfortunately. I didn't say much, but he could definitely tell something was wrong. Before I could even start to ask him about us, though, (which probably wouldn't have been good to do under the influence anyway) he jumped in and said that I really ought to start watching my drinking at these things.... I think I had led him to believe that my strange, cranky behavior was because I was drunk. I didn't have the energy to contradict him or change the subject, and I felt awful... so I just let it go and went to sleep. Somehow, though, it was all erased in the morning, and things felt back to normal. So I guess the drinking did have a lot to do with how I was feeling and how I was acting it out. And of course, now that the weekend's over, and I've spent the entirety of it with *allen*, I feel just fine. I've hardly thought about *M* over the last few days and, surprisingly, haven't really kicked myself for how the party went either.

This week and the next couple are going to be much different, I'm sure. *M* will only be at work on Monday and Tuesday and then Wednesday, he goes in for his surgery. :( He'll be out of work, recovering at home for at least a week, and then when he does come back to work, he won't be doing much of anything (probably paperwork, sorting hardware, making cut lists, whatever else the boss can dig up for him). So, having him gone will be different... and then having him back will probably be weird too. I don't know how that's going to be, though I'm sure I'm mature enough to deal with him being out of work... :P (sheesh). Gee, maybe I'll be focused and get some work done... though on the other hand, I might be extra spaced out... meh, I can deal. However, when it hit me (on Friday when he told us when he'd be out of work, and I had forgotten it was so soon) that I'd only be around him for 2 more days before the surgery, something in my head clicked and said, "I have to let him know before he leaves". Which is just silly. I shouldn't let him know at all about this, and I know that, but it's still so hard to keep the two worlds separated. I know that I'll never actually pull anything off, but I also know that I'm going to be fighting myself over it all of Monday and Tuesday. The least I can do is hug him before he goes off to surgery. YEah, that would be nice and more or less harmless. :)

Anyway. I finally saw "The Crow" last night. OMG... To reiterate what I said before, which I posted in my other journal... "Way to hit all of my weaknesses in *one movie*... Just watched "The Crow." Why the fuck did I never see that movie until now?!?! Damn. Good. Goooooood mooooovie. I even cried at the very end... a little. Wow. Brandon Lee. With long curly hair. In black. With a long black coat. Playing a guitar. .....Holy fucking crap that's hot. Pardon me, I'm going to go, uh, lay down for awhile.... O_O" Yeah. I need to watch that one again... ;)

I think I might turn in early tonight. Too many Superbowl munchies (nice performance by both teams, IMO) and beers have me all sluggish and sleepy. It'd be so nice to get extra sleep the night before going back to work.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, January 30th, 2004

Subject:Ahh, it's Friday again.
Time:12:47 pm.
Mood: chipper.
I'm muuuuuch calmer this week. IT was a pretty good week, nothing too terribly exciting, or at least not that I feel like rambling about right now. I think I'm getting a little bolder, or at least not feeling like quite as much of a moron as I had been. I have to keep reminding myself to just have fun and not obsess over the outcome.

I had a wonderful dream about making out with *M* last night though. Very lucid, I convinced myself I wasn't dreaming halfway through it. Put that together with the fun I had swing dancing (by myself, *allen* didn't feel like going) last night, and the lovely weather today, and I'm in a great mood today. :)

Oh yeah, and we're off work early. That's because it's opening night tonight. :D Show and party, probably both with *M* and *allen*. I was telling myself that I wouldn't be getting too drunk, because of getting my car stereo installed tomorrow morning, but of course *allen* had to go and ruin that resolution by suggesting that I drive to his place, leave my car, and then we take either his car or the bus to the show, and sleep at his place tonight, so I can drink as much as I want. Argh. I just have to be careful not to get too flirty (yeah right) with *M* in front of *allen* and cause trouble.

Gawd... looking back over my last several entries, I can see how bad it is for me to just sit around and have nothing better to do than obsess over things. I've got to find more ways to occupy myself on weekends rather than sitting here stewing in my thoughts.

I've been discussing this whole thing with a good friend and he's helping me put everything in perspective, so that's helped me be much calmer and saner over the last few days. I really need to remember to keep this fantasy world as just that.

Well, my thoughts are moving in very disconnected bursts today. I need to get up and do things anyway, to get ready for opening night. And perhaps secure mass quantities of beer for Super Bowl Sunday, now that I'm off work early and could make it out to our favorite local brewery before they close.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, January 26th, 2004

Subject:The things I tried to say, but chickened out...
Time:12:14 pm.
Mood: annoyed.
Some variation of
me.. "I've been trying to figure out why I'm still here, and I think I've narrowed it down to one reason. And the funny part is, you don't have a fucking clue what it is!!"
M... "why is that funny?"
me... "well, it wouldn't be any fun if I told you, now would it?"
...and casually walk away to the bar or the bathroom or whatever.
Talked myself out of that one because I thought that "you don't have a fucking clue" was too vague. Oh, and because I was too chicken. rgh.

If I was feeling very drunk, which I wasn't because the buzz never kicked in:
simply... "Have I ever told you that you're hot?"
...and I couldn't think of what the hell I would do no matter how he reacted to that one, so I gave it up.

There were a few things I managed to say that I thought were hints, but with how loud it was in the bar or maybe just how totally vague they were, he didn't seem to catch them at ALL.
"I come here, I drink beer after beer, and try to accomplish something, and then all I get out of it is a hangover."
obviously, "try to accomplish something" could have meant anything at all. argh. I was referring to accomplishing some kind of flirting, but there's no way he would have known that. XP

Gah. Anyway. I'm beating this subject to death. And it's not getting me anywhere. If only my pilot light hadn't gone out mysteriously over night, I could be out doing important things instead of sitting here wallowing in obsessiveness. Gar.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:12:55 am.
Mood: pessimistic.
Damn damn damn damn damn damn.

0 *allens*. 1 *M*. 3 beers. And still no hitting on *M*.

What a waste of time and money. Why the fuck did I go there... why the fuck did I leave without saying a single fucking word about what's on my mind? Why the fucking hell can't I get this out of my system?

God damn he looked good tonight. I looked like shit though. Trivia was ok, but I felt completely out of place at the second bar. After *allen* left.

What a waste. I dragged *allen* along for all that, and I think he had an ok time, but still...

I don't even want to think about it right now... all of the reasons that I can't say what I'm thinking, the reasons why it wouldn't matter even if I did, and why this is totally fucked up to begin with.

I was at least a little bolder tonight... but only by a little. As soon as the first phrases of my little planned-out flirtations remarks were hanging in the air, I was afraid to utter the rest of them. Everything I said was so vague anyway, and could have been taken any possible way. Useless.

I don't remember what else I wanted to say now... I've got to go to bed... thank gawd I don't have to work tomorrow. Grrrr. Sooner or later, I swear to god I'm going to crack. For now, it's back to, as *frank* would say, "vigorous masturbation cures all ills". >_
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, January 23rd, 2004

Subject:Stupid days.
Time:9:31 pm.
I hate it when I'm all geared up to have myself a good day in whatever way possible... and it totally goes to hell. Not that today was a BAD day, it just wasn't a great day like I hoped for. It was totally mediocre. There were a few okay moments, but otherwise it was totally boring. ARGH. In the midst of emotional turmoil like this, and betweem the peaks of desirous days, the "normal" days seem sooo much more mediocre. Add that to the fact that the lack of adequate sleep is still catching up with me... and I was just out of it all day. After the lunch at the Jewel Box, where I had that huge burger and bottle of HEineken, I was ready to go to sleep. So, of course, I was just a mumbling idiot all afternoon and did nothing useful AT ALL when *M* was around. We were still just cleaning out the backstage garage... though he was in and out thanks to a faulty pnuematic stapler the CYC people were trying to use. (pause for random moment of funniest bit of IMage with *allen* ever)

And then it was attack of the stupid music. *M* wanted to play a couple of CDs, that were some kind of weird, unrhythmic, ambient stuff that was threatening to put me to sleep. Coupled with the beer and the boring work, anyway. And it seemed that everything I tried to play after that degraded into the same kind of slow, boring, shapeless music that I'm sure would have been great for getting stoned or something (like I'd know) but was awful for working in the cold, dusty garage. Gah. I had a few moments of insanity earlier in the day though. Well, I was extremely energetic first thing in the morning, which has happened like every day this week. And I actually got there early for a change... in fact right when *M* was getting out of his car. First thing he says is: "so how was your dart game last night?"


While I'm still hardly contemplating how I'm going to ask if he noticed that *allen* and I were even at his bar last night. Well, I'm not going to go into the whole exchange, because frankly I don't remember it. I got a little flustered and the first thing I could think to say was "!! how did you do that??" not realizing right off that duh, he probably looked in the window of the bar after noticing my CAR parked there, and thought "hey look, they're playing darts" and didn't feel like joining... bah. Anyway, brief convo, and we're off to work. There were a few more... a few more, in one morning.... of those eye-meeting moments. But not like the good ones, just enough of the normal look-someone-in-the-eye-when-you-talk-to-them looks that got me all shaky inside. One was a little strange though. Oh, I know I'm making something out of it that it isn't... but... while the two of us were talking to the boss, he looks at me, our eyes meet for a split second, he looks back at the boss, then immediately looks back at my eyes, in a matter of like a second or so. Made me catch my breath... unfortunately *jena* noticed, and even said something, but I managed to pass it off.

I still have no guesses at all as to what he's thinking. Half the time I'm totally convinced that he has absolutely no idea that I have a major thing for him.... and then of course I wonder if he would be interested at all if he did know. The other half the time I'm totally convinced that he does in fact know, and is trying to not let me act it out because he's completely uninterested. I don't know and I don't know how to find out. ......Argh. I've already beat this topic to death. I'm frustrated enough that I can't figure it out, but writing it over and over again doesn't help anything.

I still need to compile that playlist of "good for fucking" songs.......
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:5:49 pm.
Mood: crappy.
And another week went by.... and still not a word was said.


And now, it's time to go climb. I'm really not in the mood for this tonight... :/
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, January 22nd, 2004

Time:10:07 pm.
Mood: aggravated.
*allen* suggested, after dinner at the Mandarin House, that we go to the bar (*M*'s bar, no less) and have a beer and play some darts. Who am I to argue? I mean hell, *M* might already be there, and if not, he most likely would show up. Of course, I didn't mention this. I am so evil. :/ We get beer, we play darts, we are two out of four people in the bar. After one of my shots, I turn around after pulling the darts out, and I see A FAMILIAR PONYTAIL go past the window!!! But all I really get a glimpse of is the eyes of his red-haired roommate who I recognized easily, looking up into the bar window. Through the beer it took me a full minute though to really make the connection that the familiar face I saw was *M*'s roommate. I fell out the front door and looked down the block, but they weren't there. I wondered if I had just been seeing things but then I looked to my car, parked right there, and immediately recognized the car that was parked right in front of mine. I wanted to call *M* on the phone and say "hey, we're at your bar playing darts, want to join us?" but I couldn't remember his phone number FOR THE LIFE OF ME. Probably wouldn't have been good anyway, me drunk and extremely horny and fliring (or trying to) with *M* right in front of *allen*??? I kept hoping he would show up anyway, maybe he recognized my car and figured I was at the bar, or something, but no such luck. And then, out of the blue, a little after 9:15... the bar closed. *allen* had assumed by my super weird behavior that I was drunk off my ass (I DID have a whole 2/3 of a mug of Navy Grog plus a whole pint of Newcastle.... a lot for me to consume in 1.5 hours), which wasn't entirely true, but I let him have the keys. I can't believe I made it the entire trip back to his place to drop him off without doing something insane like "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I HAVE TO TELL YOU! I WANT *M*!!" Geezus. I REALLY NEED to do something about this. I even felt completely weird trying to tell *allen* "I.L.Y." at dinner. Grrrr. I don't know why I get myself into this kind of stuff... or why I let it consume me to the point of obsession...... tomorrow, I feel, it will be harder than ever to keep myself from telling *M* exactly what's on my mind... especially when I oh-so-casually ask in the morning if he noticed I was at the bar next door. GRRRDGKAJFASIAHDSFUCK.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:5:54 pm.
After reading quite a few of the stories in eroticfantasies, and daydreaming for 3 days straight about *M*, I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't write my own fantasy story. Not to post, though. Or at least, not in the community. Just to see if I can. And to express these neverending fantasie that keep going through my mind, to consolidate them into one and have something to read over and over. To get some of it out of my head so I can maybe concentrate a little better and try to keep the fantasizing for my down time (rather than having them surface while I'm crawling in the grid over people's heads with heavy pieces of hardware in my hands, for example...). And, well, I'm sure I'd post it here if I did write it.

Only thing I'm concerned about is my writing skills. I mean sure, I can write freeflowing streams of consciousness like this, but I find it a lot harder to focus on a narrative, stick to a storyline, keep everything coherent and connected, and not be too wordy. Not to mention the fact that I can't write dialogue to save my life and that I still have some trouble "writing dirty". I need to work on that. Just once, I'd like to be able to please at least *allen's* love of dirty talk in bed.... and who knows where else it might be useful. ;) I always feel dumb blurting out phrases that are trying to be dirty. Maybe I just need more practice at it. ;)

Ah well, crap. I had more to say but I was interrupted by several other things I was doing at once and then *allen* called. *Sigh*. We're going out for Chinese NEw Year, which is OK. I didn't feel like cooking tonight anyway. And he actually wanted to go to the Chinese place that's literally right next door to *M*'s place. Interesting choice, *allen*. ;P Gotta run and get changed (still in work clothes).

Damn, I've posted a lot in the last few days. I need to keep this up
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:12:58 pm.


Thank you, I feel a little better now. @__x;;;;

Oh geezus god i have the worst timing in the world. Look who's here. O___O

[EDIT, 3 minutes later] That was a little disconcerting. Just as I finished smashing the keyboard and feeling better having done it, *M* appeared at the computer to my left out of seemingly nowhere. I physically jumped, I wonder if he noticed. @_@ AAaargh. Today is no better than yesterday. But all this afternoon, while the boss is out running errands, the two of us will be left to clean out the backstage garage. Eeep, I'd better calm down and get myself together before then....... X_x;;;;

Oh god I'm a moron.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, January 21st, 2004

Time:10:51 pm.
Mood: horny.
OMG. Today was another one of those days.... one of those intensely fantasizing to the point of forgetting what I was doing days..... one of those getting turned on just by breathing his scent when he passed by me days... one of those really hard to keep myself from saying "I WANT YOU" out loud days. OMG. I don't know how I made it through the day without going insane. Well, I guess I almost didn't. Thanks to eroticfantasies... I don't even know why I felt inclined to read it all of a sudden, since I had never really found other people's fantasies very intriguing before. But it was all because of that one about a person with the same name as *M* that I wound up getting myself all worked up right before I went back to work. I don't remember how I got so good at driving while being so very distracted, but I nearly got there just on my own, just by thinking about him, before I even completed the 7 minute trip to work. By the time I got off the highway I was screaming and moaning and laughing that hysterical, evil, maniacal laughter - the kind that ONLY happens when prompted by extreme sexual thoughts. I was on an adrenaline high and I had been sitting mostly still in my car for 7 minutes. And then....... I walked into the shop to grab the welding gloves, like I'd planned. While wondering if I would see him at the theater when I got back to work. I nearly had a heart attack when I pushed open the plastic flaps into the shop and *M* was there with some of the guys from CYC. I almost moaned out loud!!!! Gaaaaaah. @____@ I don't know how I kept a straight face talking to him those couple of minutes. I remember stumbling over simple, everyday words. I remember that I couldn't even get myself to look him in the eye, those gorgeous, twinkling, deep brown eyes.... for fear I would melt and say something out of the blue, right there, in the completely wrong moment when he was in the middle of working and I was about to be late for work. On my way out the door I had to stop and scream silently to myself, safely on the other side of the plastic curtain, clenching the items in my hand with such intensity they left dents in my skin. AAAAAARRGH! I don't know how much longer I can take this. I don't know what to do about it. This is the third or fourth day now that I've spent this way.... where I can't think about him without imagining all the things I want to do, where I can't be within four feet of him without having to consciously restrain myself... where my idler moments are livened by extreme fantasies and my escalating heartbeat. I come home and lay on the couch for a long time, acting things out, living out the fantasies and creating more, more intense desires that I think I've ever known. My actual sleeping dreams feature him at least every other night too. GODDDDDDDD!!! I want his hair. I want his eyes. I want his "big clumsy hands" and his shapely legs and everything in between. GAWDD THIS IS INSANE!!! And the ABSOLUTE WORST PART is how I'm 99% positive that he doesn't have a single goddamn fucking clue what I'm going through!! I just don;t know how to let him know. I'm horrible at subtlety these days, it takes me too long to work up to anything in normal conversation because I hesitate too long and the subject changes. I'm afraid to be forward out of the blue at work for fear of scaring him off, I fail to make any useful moves outside of work because I keep telling myself that JUST ONE MORE BEER will make me bolder... I think I'm sending signals by tossing my hair, laughing heartily at his jokes, looking him in the eye when I talk... then remember that these are just casual and normal things that I forgot how to do in the midst of my quest not to be too girly. I just don't have a clue how to let him know. I have to find a way. I can't take this much longer. I don't think I've ever wanted anyone this much, not even *frank*. This desire consumes me, and I'm helpless to it. It won't leave me alone, and I don't know why, and I don't know how to shake it, having to see him nearly every day. I'm convinced that it's the fear that one will never have what one wants so very badly that makes the wanting so much worse. I'm afraid this desire will never subside until it has been satisfied. Why, oh why, do I get off on mysterious strangers and long hair? Why oh why did I have to fall for my 32 year old, long-haired and brown-eyed coworker? Why oh why can't I find a way to express it to him? *sigh* Tomorrow I will see him again. Tomorrow I may bleed, tomorrow the hormones fueling this bout of self-pleasure may subside in the face of the dull pain. But tomorrow I will see him again, and have one more chance to give him the hint. To catch his eye the way I almost thought I did twice before. Tomorrow. Tonight, I sleep.
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Subject:Lack of material?
Time:1:57 pm.
Mood: hungry.

Bah. I really need to start putting some more meat into this journal. It's kinda hard having two different journals. I really ought to just consolidate everything into my main journal, and set up filters and such to keep certain ones, *ahem* "restricted", but there's still too great a chance of *allen* coming over here and looking at my journal while I'm logged in and catching something. It's too much trouble for me (yeah, I'm fucking lazy) to log into LJ every single time I want to look at it, especially since I look at it so much, and always have semagic open and logged in. Yeah yeah, I ought not to be going behind *allen's* back with this *M* thing, but it's really pretty harmless, IMO. Gah. Anyway, I'm thinking about maybe cross posting some stuff from the main journal into this one, not everything I post, but maybe just stuff with substance... like when I start off writing a "my day was so mundane" entry and wind up going off on a deep thought rant in the end. I dunno. Why am I so concerned about the "public" face of this journal? Why do I want other people, albeit total strangers, and not my good friends, to read this stuff so badly? Is it some weird cry for (undue) attention, an attempt to fill some desperate need to be acknowleged? Hmmm. When I first started a second journal (Way back in the deadjournal.com days) my intent was to keep my "darker side" in the second one and the "normal stuff" in the main one. WTF is that? Am I trying to have separate personalities or something? I'm trying to "filter" myself through the internet to be two different people? Course, I was about to go ranting that you can't really "Filter" yourself IRL, or that you shouldn't, but then it occurred to me that that actually does kind of happen. I "filter" myself one way at work, and a different way when I'm with *allen*, and a different way when I'm around my parents, etc. Maybe not entirely consciously, though. IRL it's more determined by the circumstances; like at work I'm supposed to act mature and professional and serious and concentrate on the task (burping contests aside), or with *allen* I'm supposed to be warm and nurturing and sensual and have fun, or at home with the parents I have to be respectful and helpful and not let them know I'm a total lush and bordering on nymphomaniac (ha). Maybe I'm comparing apples and oranges here. I don't know. I thought I knew where I was going with this. I guess I'm still trying to justify having two separate livejournals (in addition to my totally private paper journal) with totally different material except for some amount of crossover stuff. Maybe I don't need to justify it. I can do whatever the fuck I want with my journal, after all. :P

Anyway. I'm home on an unexpected three hour lunch break - tech rehearsal is going on but we have to come in and do notes at dinner, and *M* had to go work on the other show that's loading in, so we're called back at 3 instead of the usual 12-1 lunch. Ahh, it's definitely nice to have a flexible schedule. It unforunately means I won't be able to climb tonight, though. Maybe I can still make it out to the bar for food and beer after I get off work, though, since I'll be extremely hungry by then. Hmm, maybe I should grab something before I go back out there.... in half an hour. *Sigh*... time flies when you're wasting it on the internet. :P

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Saturday, January 17th, 2004

Time:11:04 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
Feeling a little confused tonight. Lots of things going through my head. *allen*, *M*... guitar shopping... drunken memories. etc. Things I want to get down, even though I know it's already after 11 and I have to be at work at 8 tomorrow. I'm hoping I'll sleep better if I spill everything.

As far as the drunken memories go.... I'm just finding it weird how memorable things fade so fast for me these days. Or so it seems. Maybe it has to do with my back-and-forth mindset right now, but the concert on Wedneday already seems like it was ages ago. It was so fresh in my mind just a few days ago, some of it vivid, much of it not. Come to think of it, I think having been plastered at the show had most everything to do with my remembering only bits and pieces of it. Grr. I hate that... me and my once-perfect memory. And I'm destroying it by ramping up my drinking habits. Argh. And really, what was there so memorable about the show? Besides it being a really good show, all the bands were great, and I discovered I love bluegrass. Aside from that, nothing terribly special went on with *M*.

Actually, nothing special at all. At least I didn't "only see him 4 times the whole night" - which he had jokingly said before the show about him running in and out of the bar, talking to people, smoking, buying drink after drink, and who knows what else. I actually got to talk to him for most of the time, though I took care to wander off by myself from time to time and not "cling" too much... which seems like an odd word to use in reference to a non-S.O. But still. And I don't think he minded my hanging around, at least we had things to talk about the whole time. Thing that gets me, though. I thought I was trying lots harder than usual to be flirty, but maybe I wasn't. God, I wish I could tell through the drunken haze. I know I had WAY more to drink than I needed to. I could have had half as much (2 pints instead of 4+) and still been able to be fun and talkative. Argh. I need to learn to limit myself.

Anyway, I guess maybe the flirtiness only came across as friendliness... or... in *M*'s words from a random conversation at work a few days ago (in reference to something/someone else entirely, a random girl flirting with him at the bar) - he "just wasn't in the mood for picking up on signals." WTF??? Well, I suppose I'm often not in the mood for sending obvious signals... or something... or, the theory I'm coming to rely on these days, I just forgot how to flirt. I got used to the obvious, blatant flirting thing online with the last 2 (*zach* and *allen).... and with *frank* it was just so easy, so much chemistry between us. Gaaargh, I just don't know. It probably all comes down to him just not being interested. But hey, I'm attached anyway, so WHAT DOES IT MATTER?? ARRRGH. I can't help being fond of him in so many ways. Even though I know there's only about a .00001% chance of anything ever happening, I at least would like to be better/closer friends with him. Geez. Just because we're 11 years apart doesn't mean we don't connect on a couple of levels.

I need to learn to stop putting my foot in my mouth around him. Be myself, don't talk just to fill space, don't try too extra hard to be fun/funny or witty or whatever. Be warmer. Argh, I don't know. Every time I have it figured out I lose it again before I can process the thought. Well, I think I'm getting a little better. I did manage "well, you smelled good this morning"... but the execution was bad. I could have looked at him when I said it, and sounded like it was something special to me - like I noticed it for a reason. Blargh. But god knows he still MIGHT JUST NOT BE RECEPTIVE TO IT!

ARGH! I keep reminding myself that he may very well know exactly what's going on, but chooses to ignore it because he's not interested one little bit, and even tries to inhibit it by not acting on anything at all that I say. That could explain the not even considering asking me if I needed a place to go to sober up before going home after the concert. Asshole. Or maybe he was planning to go home and fuck his "roomate/exgirlfriend/bestfriend" whatever. Who knows what's up with that. Oh, what the hell do I care!!!!!!

Argh. LEt me talk about something else. *allen*. Oh geez, I don't know what to think anymore. It's not that he's doing anything wrong. It's not that there's a major issue. I just need more goddamn space!! Rrrgh. I don't know, it's probably not that simple really. The fact that I only really feel like having sex with him when I'm fantasizing hard about someone else is a bad thing. Not that I don't find him attractive anymore... I;ve always thought he was cute, probably always will. But, I don't know. Maybe the hair is getting to me finally (abundance of it in some places, lack of it in others :/ ...)

Ack. This makes me feel horrible to talk about him like this. I have no idea at all what to do about it. I think I know what I want/need, but I don't have the first clue as to how to go about changing things. I HATE the discussion part of breaking up. I hate the trial period. I hate the awkwardness and uncertainty and needing. I want to still have him around, I really do. We're great friends. But I have SUCH a huge need to go explore myself and my world right now, and I'm thinking more and more that he doesn't quite fit into that picture, not permanently anyway. There are so many fundamental things that just aren't right... views on money and material things, primarily... as well as political views (my lack of them, mostly, and not being very interested in hearing his).... and the creative stuff, I'm afraid he doesn't "feed" me creatively at all. I really need a companion who is at least as grounded in music as I am, perhaps more... kinda like Dad. I guess it's true what they say about women looking for qualities their father had (assuming they looked up to their fathers). And I do mean grounded in making music, not just "this artist made this album in this year adn it was number one for this long"... bah. I could care less about STP and Pearl Jam and Soundgarden and whatever.... I really could care a lot fucking less. I hate to use this comparison, but *M*'s music taste - as well as talent and inclination - is really something to me. I need to be constantly fed creatively, even if I'm not doing much with it - because I know I will someday.

Which brings me to the next thought. Guitars. Oh, so many friggin models to choose from. In my price range even. Well, I keep saying I need to wait and see just how much money Mom sends me. If it's more than I thought, I *might* go ahead and get one with pre-amp stuff. But I'm still leaning more towards straight up acoustic. Problem is, nothing I held/strummed today really struck me as a must-have, although none of them was one to avoid either. I could go with a cheaper one, and make other uses of the money (accessories, probably), or I could go with a more expensive one, and make sure I'm getting the most of the money. I don't know. I'll maybe ask *M* some more about it. And do some other research. I really just have no clue what I'm looking for. I know so little about guitars, other than that I'd like to be good at playing one. Hmmm.

Blargh. I need to stop rambling and get to bed. This isn't a good time of the month to be thinking too deeply anyway, chances are half the things I thought I was so sure about will change when the hormones subside. I know that's why I had the breakdown over *M* on Friday night, anyway. At least, I'm pretty sure. I'll have to see. These weekends have been so weird....... oh well, grah, don't wanna think about it anymore - I gotta go to bed so I can work in the morning - boo for working on Sunday, yay for seeing *M* a day sooner than I would have otherwise. :P
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Tuesday, January 13th, 2004

Time:6:52 pm.
Mood: hungry.
OMFG!! I had it REALLY REALLY bad today. *__* Something about that dream I had.... I dreamed I was at the bar with him, got totally plastered (first dream I think I've had where I actually *felt* drunk in the dream), and was flirting it up, and about to make my move, when *allen* walked in. Aaargh. I woke up way before the alarm and just laid there (well, sorta :P) daydreaming and such, for like an hour. Eeeep. @__@ Couldn't keep my cool at work either. Well, actually, I was doing okay until he did the thing with his hair. Took the scrunchie out, shook his head, and then flipped his hair around this way and that to fluff it or whatever. AAAAAAAAA!!! *O________O*;;;;; I had to take a couple of chugs of water. He noticed me gulping water and asked if I had vodka in my water, haha. I said, "I wish", and I don't remember what his reply was, but I couldn't stop giggling. *Jena* even noticed, and asked what was wrong, I said I'd have to tell her later. Gahgh, I'm such a moron. A hopelessly attracted moron. And he doesn't have one single friggin' clue what I'm thinking!! And I don't have one single friggin' clue how to let him know, however subtly. Luckily, there's the concert tomorrow. *jena* actually invited me to go along with them. Well, then she got her schedule rearranged, so she might not get there until after the floor's painted. I debated out loud, but really I had decided the moment she asked me about it that I was going. I just had to see if the group was climbing at our gym, or their regular gym, tomorrow, and if *allen* wanted to go or not. I felt obligated, of course, to ask... but he was actually dead set on bouldering tomorrow. Gee, that almost seems too easy. Now, can I get my flirt on? Perhaps if I'm having a really good time, and dancing, and looking good, and whatnot. Ooooooo, even if it comes to nothing (which, in all reality, it really should, even though I sooooooo want it to come to something) I just want him to know how BAD I have it. I still wonder if he would take a chance if he knew I was extremely attraced to him. Grrrr.

Ok, I feel better now, mentally, but I gotta make some dinner before I pass out. @_x
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Sunday, January 4th, 2004

Subject:Yet another "*sigh*" entry.
Time:11:02 pm.
Mood: sore.
It comes and goes.... at work, I go nuts most of the time, at home and most everywhere else, is subsides. Weird how it works like that. Just the other night when I was first looking at the long-hair communities and such, I was on a high that I thought I'd never come down off of. In the middle of it I actually started to wonder how on earth I ever have calm moments of not obsessing over hot guys with long hair. And now, when I'm calm, I'm wondering how the heck I got to that state.... and how I can get back to it. Yargh. I find myself fantasizing about one night stands/sexual encounters with "mysterious strangers" with long hair... thanks to some of the faces and voices in the community... really craving that kind of arousal, excitement, ecstasy, etc. that I haven't really had since.. well, since *frank*. *Sigh*, again. I bet his hair is almost as long as mine by now... hee.

I find myself wondering if it'd be "kosher" to post pictures of *frank* to the community, even though I can't ask him for permission or anything..... I mean, it's not like the pictures I have aren't *already* on the internet, in public domain... hmm. Best not to, if I'm questioning it... I don't know. It's not like I can't look at those pictures whenever I want, but then, why keep them all to myself? ^_~

Haha... and I would post pictures of "my buddy with long hair" if I wasn't convinced he would look at me funny for a month if I asked. How can I get a picture of him anyway? *thinks* Well, I will have the camera at work tomorrow for paint sample pics. I could get creative. Tehee.

Blah. I'm in such a mundane mood compared to Wednesday/Thursday/Friday. New Year's was just something else. I know it was all in my head, but........ argh. I think the simple remedy to this mundane feeling is to start going out and hanging out with those guys more. Not necessarily drinking the entire time I'm out (or I'll go broke), but... going after work, having A beer, playing some pool, playing songs on the jukebox, talking to people, having a good time. *sigh*

It's sad that I'm starting to see *allen* as a burden in all of this. -_- I want to go out with people after work... but then half the time I stay all night, and then I let myself feel bad that I'm not spending time with him... so then I either leave to go see him, and wish that I was still back at the bar... or I invite him and he comes, has a drink, acts all quiet all night because he 1) is just a quiet drunk and 2) doesn't know people... and then I feel hindered because I'm afraid to do anything that he might interpret as me flirting with other people, so I deliberately focus too much attention on him.... Grah! Of course, this is mostly my fault for making mySELF feel guilty about not spending time with him... when none of the guilt is coming from him at all. But it seems natural to feel bad, when we were used to being around each other 24/7 outside of me going to work. He hasn't really complained... I mean, at least I still talk to him on the phone and have been over at least once a week... and I let him know when I'm at the bar and how long I mean to (*mean to*) stay... and intend to, at least one night a week, either spend the night with him or have him spend the night with me. But somehow I let myself think I'm guilty of something...

WELL DUH! I'M GUILTY OF FANCYING ANOTHER MAN! At least I'm not acting on it...... much as I want to....... thankfully there are so many inhibiting factors....

Arrrgh. I'm going to be struggling with it like this until I get it out of my system. I just hope it doesn't turn into one of those things that I *can't* get out of my system until something *does* happen, like with *frank* (hah, and even then I still couldn't get it out of my system for another whole year!).

Mrrrrr. I need to go to bed. Back to work in the morning...... to see him again. And once again try to keep myself in check. Vicious cycle......
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