Ryan and I are almost done with completely planning our trip to Boston this June. It is definitely going to be June 15th - June 23rd. My mom, dad, and my sister Elana will be meeting us there on the weekend to celebrate my parents' wedding anniversary, and Elana will be 15-years-old by then, so celebrating her belated birthday as well. I am so excited, and just really happy that last year, the interactions between Ryan, and my family were just so natural! I am extremely happy how well everything worked out, considering it was the first time I've introduced a guy to my family, and that he was a part of a family event for Elana's confirmation and birthday. I wasn't afraid, or worried about how he would look in front of them as I did with the last one. Ugh...Major embarrassment. His personality was revolting, and was just so fake about everything, I probably would never get away with it. Then again, I guess that's the difference when you fall inlove with someone. You actually have things in common, and plenty to talk about for hours and hours. There is nothing that Ryan and I can do without enjoying ourselves, and not just to appease the other, but it's something we both enjoy. Like playing World of Warcraft is not one-sided. We understand each other's passion for what we do, and how we play. Watching Anime, especially Naruto. Watching Basketball, and our friendly rivalry with my San Antonio Spurs, and his Los Angeles Lakers (which by the way, clearly disappointed me that my players are injured and shitty Memphis Grizzlies won that first series in the Playoffs). We talk to each other about certain issues, and we listen to each other, and in which by the way, I don't even have to pretend to fall asleep and snore, because at least he isn't boring AT ALL. We are extremely inseparable, and barely go anywhere without each other. I actually miss him when we are doing something different from each other, and are in two different places. I am just really glad that that part of me is back. That I can finally invest all these feelings in a person who is always here for me, and protect me from anything that wants to get at me, as I do the same for him. I took the risk of moving here from Boston, and I don't regret it one bit, because we both made the mutual choice of choosing one another over everyone else.~*~*~*~*~*~*~
We are currently saving to make the official move to Boston, as I've mentioned before, in about a year or so. Just watching the Red Sox play, and the Celtics, and last night, we were watching some old school wrestling, I couldn't help but reminisce about how much access I got to watch them in MSG or the TD Banknorth Garden while I was there. Clearly messed up with that 50 Greatest Superstars of All Time that we watched on Netflix last night though. I mean really? LoL, Shawn Michaels is #1? Then a bunch of other bullcrap on there that just left a bad taste in my mouth, however, I'm not going to go into depth with it like I used to. It was what made me hate wrestling, because I associated with certain people in the first place that apparently don't matter at all anymore. It was just so much fun to watch it with someone who's not just a fan of it, but we can laugh and poke fun at certain things. Personally, with that kind of list, they definitely should have just made Zach Gowen #1, and his leg #2.
I am so excited for Boston, and to go to the Aquarium, and Museum of Science with Ryan! Definitely looking forward to seeing my Sakkio Japan for that fresh chicken teriyaki and rice at The Pru, and just go to sushi with him. Ahhh sushi...A guy that actually enjoys it as much as I do, and this is after I introduced him to it. A guy that can actually appreciate foreign cuisine, and embrace the taste of Pad Thai, and Korean BBQ, but still enjoy a taste of the gourmet Italian, and American foods, and not just your ordinary hamburger, or steak and cheese sandwich from a D'Angelo's. Oh, and a guy that can pay for dinner at that too, LoL! I love my Man's man!
You know, there are times when I still think about JJ. In a sense of, I wonder what my life would have been like if I chose to go to him instead of Ryan? It's not that I never loved him, and not that I don't care about him as a human being, and I actually tried to be friends him one time. I realized that I can't be. Sadly, JJ said he couldn't be my friend either. His reason was because if he couldn't have me, then he couldn't be my friend to see me with someone else. I realized that our lifestyles would probably not fit. The only thing that would make me feel secure is the fact that we would both have jobs, but we never had a connection. I think that my desperate attempts to always try get him to keep talking to me on AIM or when I get a hold of him on the phone was because I knew it would be another long while until I had that chance with him again. I just wished he had that desire to hear my voice, and to actually desire to be interested enough in me to have any kind of interaction with. I was made to feel that I could only get a hold of him if he really wasn't doing anything AT ALL, like if he literally was just sitting in his room, and no one is over, or he is not out every single night at the bar drinking his life away. I tried to be that person, to feel what it was like to understand him. Drink all the time, and go out with Emily, and Natalie, and whoever else. It was just not me. I did it to drown my sorrows away when I was upset that Sheldon went with that old bag. Upset, because I felt replaced, but not upset because I actually loved him. I realized that once my sorrows went away, I realized the truth, and I was relieved, and got my head on straight about wanting to fully move on from his toxicity. I thought that by getting drunk, and calling JJ we would have something on common, instead I felt like a desperate whore, once again at his feet, when there was this wonderful guy that talked to me for me, that loved me for me, and was my bestfriend all this time. The guy that listened to me, and comforted me when my heart ached over anything. The guy that made me smile, and feel wanted no matter what I did to throw myself at JJ's feet over and over again. That was Ryan. Who proved to me that we actually had a friendship, because no matter what kind of decision I made that was stupid, he was still supporting of it, and picked me up when I went down. JJ was never there when a lot of shit went down. He came back when it was convenient for him. I realized that he was never going to be happy with just me in his life. He needed so many other things to keep him afloat. Ryan gave up certain things to make us happy, and so did I. We didn't give up our friends, and abandoned them, but to make them understand that our decision to be with each other is serious, and that we decided to want to be together forever. They can be a part of that if they want, but everything we do from that day on will be for each other in the majority part of the whole thing. It doesn't mean that we are not going to be there for anyone, but we are not going to hang out to drink, where at the end of the day, our belligerent behavior affects one another when all friends are gone, and the party is over. I wasn't confident that JJ would have done that for me, where there is time for friends and parties, and there is focus on our relationship without the outside bothering its formation.
See, I can say that Ryan and I are truly happy just being around each other 24/7. We can see our friends on occasion, and still have fun with them as always, but the quality time we spend with each other, whether he is in the kitchen with me just cooking, or he is on WoW, and I am watching a movie on Netflix in our room, we love that solitary company with each other. We both accept that about each other. Being solitary, and being private people. I enjoy being alone, or with one other person that I have a connection with, even though I can't say I won't enjoy being a part of the social scene, I'd RATHER be with just that one person enjoying sushi with him. I guess I never knew what it was like to truly NEED someone until I decided to be with Ryan. Where you feel the way he feels, and you hurt when you see others treating him badly. I completely understand now the meaning of "Love Hurts". I thought hurting over JJ was Love, because all those years, I tried so hard to make him really love me, but he just was never ready to give up some things to make that happen. It hurts when the person you love the most is in pain, or if someone was treating him horribly, and he doesn't see it, but you do, and you no longer want him to go through it anymore. Love is seeing their pain too, that when you say something so hurtful that you know it would hurt if they said the same thing to you, and that you would avoid anything to make them cry. Yeah...I understand it now...Loving someone isn't just a fantasy about wanting to be with them. Loving someone is giving up a a part of yourself, letting it go, and having that person fit their piece into you. JJ was my dream, the one fantasy I wished to have all these years. I remember going to sleeo every night, just so I can dream the dream of being with him...It was so unreal that I treated everything around me that was real to be imaginary. People with feelings, my job, my life...Not real, because I was still hoping for that dream. But when someone loves you, they don't promise you a dream, but give you a reality, and I never dreamed again. I only think of JJ, because it's so sad that it never worked out between us, and that I had so much to give to him when I wanted to. I remember our very last conversation almost 3 years ago, and he said he just wanted me to be happy. It made me sad, because he made me realize he was never going to be willing to be the one to do it, and I believe that things happened for a reason. I probably never would have been happy with him. I will always try to relive what I thought we had, and try to catch up with time, but in reality, we didn't have anything at all. It was fun though...When we were young, and we thought we always had time...
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow
[Disclaimer: This song used is to only reference a quote, and I am in no way supporting music or any products from any members of the Illuminati]