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_firstclassmail
09 December 2013 @ 12:10 am
2006: polysics, ellegarden, dir en grey
2007: jrock revolution day 1, blonde redhead, s.k.i.n, d&l, polysics
2008: edc, nocturnal
2009: edc, nocturnal, hard summer, x japan, vamps, glay, epik high sf, isa (far east movement)
2010: beyond wonderland, edc, smtown, kaskade @ palladium, daedalus/shlohmo, isa (far east movement, jay park)
2011: cosmic gate @ sutra
2012: myon & shane 54 @ exchange, smtown, big bang, kcon, haim/wildcat! wildcat!
2013: kmf, dream concert, world dj festival south korea, edc sunday, hardwell @ palladium, tvxq, kcon, infinite, vixx, drunken tiger
2014: ukiss, jang woohyuk @ feria, wave racer/trippy turtle @ king king, kbs open concert, kmf, kcon day 1 & 2, san e & bumkey, festival supreme, 2pm, fly to the sky, beenzino
2015: spazzkid, dumbfoundead bday, got7 fanmeet, soulection: the sound of tomorrow (july), kcon day 1 & 2, cosmic gate @ observatory oc, jessi, one ok rock, dir en grey
 
 
_firstclassmail
01 July 2013 @ 05:45 pm
welcome i don't really update this anymore but my writing lj is here:
 
 
_firstclassmail
14 June 2011 @ 01:17 am
it feels like last year all over again
but this summer feels so final.
a second chance at youth with knowledge that has aged me.
 
 
_firstclassmail
07 April 2011 @ 10:15 pm
the only thing i can do (without being dishonest to myself) is let go
 
 
_firstclassmail
23 January 2011 @ 12:24 pm
but sometimes i've got myself fooled. i'm a lot better than i was before, but it's still not the same. nothing's as plastic, too good to be true as it used to be. there's always that underlying sadness and cold, bitter expectation that goodness can't be kept. it's feeling more obvious as i try to hide behind a busy schedule and weekly dates with people who want to save me from myself. when i remember my happiest moments, i can't help but think about all the people that i've willingly left for those i will also leave to satiate my thirst for status, for power.

if all i desire is power,
then i must be focused.
 
 
 
_firstclassmail
04 December 2010 @ 04:14 pm
the winter weather always inspires the coldest emotions and the sun brings only shallow warmth. in this season, i am most becoming, but i am also at my most subdued.
 
 
_firstclassmail
18 August 2010 @ 12:29 am
it happened and i want to be surprised but now i feel like my actions are forced. i want to pretend it didn't happen the way it did because it fucking hurts! but it happened. and now what do i do? time heals everything but i don't want to wait; i just want everything to be better again. how do i let you know that you've hurt me again, so much deeper than before?

i'm purging the people out of my life who cause(d) me unnecessary stress but i can't allow my life to be easy because i don't think it's right for me to live easy. i expect to suffer because suffering is the only way i can justify my happiness. i can't be happy! i'm just not worthy.

i feel like i'm losing it but i don't know what to do. because this is the happiest i've been and it seems like all i've been is delusional.
 
 
_firstclassmail
07 August 2010 @ 11:49 am
i'm not worth enough to praise


because i don't understand compliments

i'm not nice
i'm not funny
i'm not amazing
and i'm definitely not beautiful



so you should stop because your words don't make any sense to a worthless heartless bitch like me
 
 
_firstclassmail
05 August 2010 @ 11:46 pm
i often think people are talking about me and i wonder what they're saying. i wonder if what they're saying is what i've been trying to prove to them. you know, that i don't take shit from anyone. but can they see that i'm lying? maybe it's just my superiority complex but i feel like people can't tell that i'm lying through my fucking teeth. i yell and scream and boast and despise because there's not much left after all of it. i am no one. i am nothing. nothing except the weak disguise of overconfidence.

but i want to be as real as people think i am. often my audacity and tactlessness is mistaken for being blunt or honest. well. to be honest, i think it's a lot harder to be tender, gentle, compassionate. i've grown to accustomed to this faux-machismo display because i can shut out more painful emotions instead of having to feel them. i am scared that if i show sensitivity it will allow space for betrayal or disappointment.

is it weak to fear betrayal? am i allowed to run away from risk and therefore dissolve chances of being let down? i want to stop being a little bitch and allow pain to strengthen me but i'm scared of change. if i feel like i have a lot to lose if i risk it all, is it fair for me to risk it?
 
 
_firstclassmail
14 July 2010 @ 02:02 am
the sun shines and i tell myself i believe that i can have whatever i want.
i find myself awake at night and my darkest insecurities tell me that i'm full of shit.


i feel an enormous amount of guilt because i want to trust you
but i'm still not sure if i really can.

the past is who we were then and not what we are now
but i'm still so broken and my apologies...
i guess it's not your fault if i can't get over it.


i know positivity is the key but i'm scared that you'll hurt me again and you won't even know it.